Soccer Fans Excited To Hate The Columbus Crew Again

Soccer fans across the United States and Canada were reportedly excited to again hate the Columbus Crew as news that the Major League Soccer (MLS) franchise may stay in Columbus filtered out this Friday.

(AP Photo/Jay LaPrete)

“I actually made a Save The Crew banner for them,” stated DC United fan James Forrester. “I’m really excited to start disliking their fans and team again.”

Crew fans expressed thanks to the solidarity shown across the league while fans like Whitecaps supporter Tom Reynolds stated, “I’m so glad that I can tell them to go fuck themselves again.”

Supporters in Cincinnati were excited for the possibility of the Crew staying as FCC fan Stephanie Halmon stated, “I’m so incredibly happy for their fans that the team may stay because I really wanted to be able to tell those fans that I want their stadium to collapse and their city to burn to the ground when we play them next year. It’s a great time to be alive.”

With the news looking increasingly like the Crew are going to stay, people who designed T.I.F.O. in support of the people of Columbus are reportedly changing their design to reflect the new sentiment.

“At first I was going to put a D on the banner to make it SAVEDtheCrew,” stated T.I.F.O master for Sporting Kansas City Ryan Lewis. “However, now I’m just going to make a two stick that shows Crew Cat being eaten alive by ants. WE ARE BACK, BABY!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we kindly wait for the appropriate measure to return to joking about Columbus as an utter catastrophe due to the Browns ownership.

Jermain Defoe Requests Early Release From, "I Enjoyed It," Comment On Time In MLS

After an interview with ESPN FC where he stated that he enjoyed his time with Major League Soccer, current Bournemouth player Jermain Defoe requested an early release from said comment as he stated, "I didn't actually enjoy my time at all."

Defoe, who signed a four year contract with Toronto FC and then left after one year, admitted that he didn't know what he was saying and meant specifically that he enjoyed his time with the money they paid him.

"Yeah, the money... that's what I enjoyed. 8 hour flights in business class and playing in 105 degree heat in Dallas... um ... no... I did not enjoy that."

Defoe also indicated that his fall out with Toronto happened due to them expecting him to play his full contract and him really not wanting to do that at all.

"Yeah, I wanted the money they gave me but not to actually play," stated Dfeoe. "Did you know they expected me to play the full four years? Madness. I mean, four years is an eternity in this league. Do you know how many flights that is from Toronto to Houston? Too many."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Defoe also walks back his comment on possibly returning to MLS as he states, "not for all the money in the ... you know... I do like money, though and it WAS pretty easy to get out of a contract the last time."

Marta And 14 Other People Nominated For Inaugural Women's Ballon d'Or

PARIS - France Football announced that Marta and 14 other people who may or may not be soccer players were nominated for the inaugural women’s Ballon d’Or.

“We are excited to welcome Marta to the stage again,” stated Claude Perrier, director of France Football. “As the reigning FIFA Player Of The Year, Marta will be a great representative for the burgeoning women’s game that shows no signs of slowing down despite their inability to vote.”

Fans the world over state that if Marta wins another best player award this season they will likely roll their eyes once more amd sigh deeply into their coffee before firing off an angry tweet and getting back to work.

“Yeah, Um…. who the hell votes on this shit?” asked Chicago Red Stars fan Diana Evans. “If the winner isn’t Sam Kerr, then they can all just jump into the ocean.”

When asked about Ms Kerr’s chances France Football commentator Jaque Villaneu stated, “We believe in equality between our competitors and we support Mr. Sam Kerr’s candidacy. even if there is a controversy of his inclusion into this field.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Marta wins again.

Former Blogger Ready To Return To Writing About Soccer After Breakup

Lincoln, NE - Former soccer blogger Richard Smith indicated that he is ready to return to writing about soccer, again, after his breakup with Paula Hallsey was finalized leaving the once prolific writer with acres of time on his hands.

“Yeah, so I have absolutely nothing going on in my life, now…. I might as well start blogging again,” stated Smith to his cat Jaques.

According to friends, Smith’s relationship with Ms. Hallsey filled the hours he previously spent re-watching classic USMNT games whilst wearing a stained hoody and eating nachos with tender and peaceful dinners where the two would talk about their hopes and dreams.

“Yeah, it was great, but look at all this free time I have,” stated Smith as he dug into a king size bag of Skittles that he purchased for dinner and began watching the United States versus Ghana from 2014. “It was just too much work being happy all the time and I’ve just replaced all those feelings of love, acceptance, joy, and family with analysis of the tactics of Bora Milutinović.”

Friends state that Mr. Smith has been sitting at home eating cereal for lunch, watching soccer, and sitting on the couch for the past two weeks as he attempts to get the word out on Twitter that he is back in the game.

“Honestly, it’s really depressing,” stated good friend Dave Williams. “Paula was a great girl and now he’s just staying in like some kind of reclusive shut-in. He keeps claiming to have all these other friends, but I think he’s just trying to talk to people on Twitter. I invited him out for trivia the other day, but he said he was going to research podcast equipment online and write a column about the enduring legacy of Carlos Bocanegra. Honestly, the dude needs less time on his hands cause this is ridiculous.”

For his part, Mr Smith indicated that he is doing just fine as he only wept into his pillow twice last night at the never ending darkness that seemed to illuminate his poor choices in relationships.

“I’ve got it great,” stated the red-eyed man child wearing a Descendents t-shirt that he remembered fitting a lot better 10 years ago. “And I managed to get a really good shift working at Papa Murphys. It just leaves more time for me to write my masterpiece and get hired by The Athletic. I’m using my blog to apply for a press-pass to MLS Cup. Now I just need to figure out how to save enough money to get there.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Smith is showered with praise on Twitter for his return more than he showers at home.

New League With Promotion And Relegation Starts In United States As Lonely Man Creates New Save On Football Manager

Des Moines, IA - Pundits the world round were startled as a new soccer league with promotion and relegation began in the United States as local man Joel Richenbach started a brand new save on Football Manager.

“This is going to BREAK THE MOLD,” stated Adrian Healey, a soccer guy.

“I didn’t think it was possible, but I now see that it is possible,” stated Rob Stone, a guy who sometimes talks about soccer.

“It’s still not as good as the United States back in 1994,” stated Alexi Lalas as he reminisced about the golden age of the game back when people said his name without adding the word sucks at the end.

“We wish him all the luck in the world and hope he succeeds,” stated Don Garber as he reached out to MLS legal to start a lawsuit against the nascent league.

Rumors indicate that many owners and operators of teams are looking to start a team in Richenbach’s new league including neighbor Jeff Anderson, good friend Sam Gutierrez, and human slime mold Anthony Precourt.

“This seems like a good fit for my club in Austin,” stated Precourt to the Nutmeg News as he robbed a child on the street. “We didn’t have any support in MLS anyway.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Richenbach gets bored and deletes the save faster than the NISA folded.

Cabbage Thrown At Steve Bruce Denies Meeting With US Soccer

CHICAGO - According to its agent, the Cabbage thrown at Steve Bruce denied meeting with US Soccer over the vacant United States Men’s coaching position despite pictures of the Cabbage and Earnie Stewart at a Whole Foods.

“Of course it is a very attractive position,” stated the Cabbage to The Nutmeg News. “The United States national team definitely has a young group. You put all our ingredients together and we can make a great cole slaw. However, I must insist that my attention remain with Aston Villa until the end of the season. I would find it highly inappropriate to comment on such rumor mongering. I leave that to the filthy lettuce from Sunderland.”

A U.S. Soccer Federation spokesperson did confirm to The Nutmeg News that Stewart, Chief Soccer Officer Ryan Mooney, and Chief Sport Development Officer Nico Romeijn conducted a conference call last week with the technical sub-committee of the USSF's Board of Directors to speak about cabbage, however they strongly denied it was in reference to the vacant position.

"We are continuing the policy of not commenting on individual candidates during the process,” stated US Soccer in a recent press release.

“However, we can state that the Cabbage thrown at Steve Bruce has a wealth of experience in the English leagues that some candidates for this position, over the years, did not possess. Any team would be lucky to have a cabbage like that as their manager.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Cabbage thrown at Steve Bruce requests technical control over the entirety of US Soccer in order to make sweeping changes to the youth teams.

F.C. Cincinnati Fan Prepares For Major League Soccer By Complaining About Referees And League Structure

Cincinnati, OH - F.C. Cincinnati fan Desmond Taylor admitted that he is preparing for the upcoming 2019 Major League Soccer (MLS) season by complaining about MLS Referees and the league structure in order to get used to doing so six months from now.

“DAMMIT TOLEDO!”

“TED UNKEL IS A JOKE,” screamed Taylor into a mirror as he flipped off the reflection of himself in his one bedroom apartment. “These player acquisition rules make no sense!”

Taylor reportedly started this regiment after trying to figure out how F.C. Cincinnati would attempt to enter the league and sign players in a league where chaos is a viable team acquisition methodology.

“It’s important to get used to the madness in advance,” stated Los Angeles FC fan Simon West. “In preparation for the season I drank copious amounts of booze after 7:00 pm and watched extremely heartbreaking movies. While we haven’t had too many reasons to be sad this season, all my hard work really helped during those tough times.”

For his part, Taylor is already planning on starting a booze, stretching and yoga plan to cope with the toll that the games will take on his body.

“I started a couch to MLS program that really emphasizes slowly upping your tolerance to all this crap,” stated Taylor. “I’m upping my consumption to a quart on/quart off whisky regiment and I’m learning how to scream all the referees names, while working on my hydration skills by overpaying my bartenders for Bud Light. It’s been tough, but it will pay off in the end.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Taylor schedules a road trip to MLS cities in order to pre-plan his drinking route through the city for the time when F.C. Cincinnati lose to an Eastern division team after Hilario Grajeda gives FCC a terrible red card and they give up after 78 minutes.

Sounders Fan Suffers Cold Neck During Morning Commute

Seattle, WA - Sounders fan August Darrow admitted to feeling a, “bit of a chill,” as they attempted to figure out a way to warm their neck during their morning commute.

“I have a peg-board full of scarves, but those are for soccer. What am I supposed to use when my neck is cold?” stated Darrow to their Facebook feed.

Darrow spent the last few months covered in sweat and scarves whilst standing and swaying in the Brougham End cheering on their beloved Sounders. However, the increasingly cool temperatures in the morning lent itself to a different mode of dress that would keep them warm.

“Scarves are for soccer, though,” stated Darrow to good friend and fellow employee Melissa Howard. “I can’t just wear a soccer scarf outside of a game, those are game scarves. I bring them even when it is 90 degrees.”

Ms. Howards advice of, “you know, buy a scarf for cold weather,” was rebuffed by Darrow as they stated, “I have a closet full of scarves, I just don’t have a scarf that I wear to keep my neck warm. Look, I wear my scarves for soccer not for warmth because it’s hardly ever cold when I’m going to games. It’s all just very confusing. I clearly need a scarf for cold weather, but I have too many scarves.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Darrow tries to find an ECS scarf for commuting.

Soccer Supporter Celebrates Successful Agile Scrum With In Office Pyro Display

Orlando, FL - Soccer supporter and software developer Paul Brown celebrated a successful 30 day Agile Scrum with an in office pyro display as the scrum master indicated that Mr. Brown’s core development team successfully finished a cycle by moving from the iteration review to the retrospective ceremony.

Exactly where does expected goals fit into this?

“FUCK YEAH!,” stated Mr. Brown as he pulled on a balaclava he bought from Ultras-tifo.net and popped off two flares he specially purchased in company colors. “LETS GO FUCKING MENTAL!”

Brown was reportedly excited by the slow and patient buildup with the UI development and core product development brought together by his new scrum master Jurgen Petrovich of Germany stating, “This is why we brought in a foreign manager, to push us to new heights! It’s exactly why Klinsmann didn’t get enough time on the job.”

Mr. Petrovich stated, “Without Ultras there is no passion,” before he received a strongly worded email from human resources requesting his presence at a mediation and employee review ad-hoc set up in the company standup room.

“We must always transition between attack and defense in equal measures,” stated Mr. Brown. “I’ve been waiting for this moment all year and I don’t care if the old bill comes down here busting heads, I’m gonna celebrate with the lads!”

Mr Brown then ripped off his shirt and was reported to human resources for requesting his male and female coworkers to go, “FULL TITS OUT FOR THE LADS IN QA.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a new handbook policy is added to address pyro displays in the office.

Brand New Red Bulls Fan Unaware Of Upcoming Postseason Misery

NEW YORK - Brand new Red Bulls fan Thomas Federic is reportedly excited for the upcoming 2018 playoffs as he remains blissfully unaware of the long and luxurious history of postseason misery inflicted upon the fans of the team for the past 23 seasons.

They’ve made the playoffs 19 out of 23 years with nothing to show for it.

“Boy, this is gonna be FUN!,” stated an overly energetic Federic after watching New York dismantle Atlanta United in the regular season. “I can’t wait to watch the team hoist MLS Cup!”

Long time fans say that Federic will need to quickly develop a hard shell-like exterior where the misery of the post season washes over you like so many Caricola own-goals.

“This is why I drink,” stated long time fan John Sampson. “This. Is. Why. I. Drink,” he stated as he looked away from the TV and quelled the rising hope within him with a Dos Equis and a shot of Patron. 

Federic, for his part, remains energetic about the upcoming games as he sees all the future possibilities with none of the baggage of 23 years of futility.

“I can’t wait! Who here is excited for the playoffs!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as grizzled Federic writes a novel length screed about his perpetual disappointment in the team on Metro Fanatic in roughly four years.

"Jay Heaps Job Will Be Evaluated At The End Of The 2018 Season," States Robert Kraft

Foxborough, MA - New England Revolution owner Robert Kraft stated that ex head coach Jay Heaps job, “will be evaluated at the end of the 2018 season,” as he cast doubt on the long term position of the manager that he already fired last year.

“anyone remember the tea men?”

“Jay has done a wonderful job with us,” stated Kraft to two bloggers and a random man holding ice cream cone that looked like a microphone. “And we will take into consideration his entire body of work over the past few years and not just the 2018 season.”

According to insiders, Kraft forgot that he fired Heaps last season and replaced him with Brad Friedel as he continued to praise Heaps for his tenacity.

“It’s been a difficult year, but we haven’t shied away from the challenges. Jay approached the middle of the season like Tom Brady. He really read the coverage and continued to find a way to complete his passes until we were all yelling FIRST DOWN. After all, Jay couldn’t find another wide receiver to compete with Rob Gronkowski. How could he? Rob is not replaceable. Look, if Jay wanted to find the edge against the Colts, then he’s going to start having to look at whether he can continue playing Sony Michel. I mean, another Super Bowl isn’t going to win itself. Anyway, um… woo soccer.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Kraft tells his staff to tell Jonathan Kraft to tell his staff to tell Brian Bilello to tell Michael Burns to tell his staff to fire Heaps anyway.

Earthquakes Fan Starting To Think Team Isn't Making Playoffs

San Jose, CA - Earthquakes fan Tanya Esposito attracted severe condemnation from her fellow fans as she expressed her reservations towards the Earthquakes playoff chances as they currently sit dead last in the Western Conference 24 points adrift from the final playoff spot with four games remaining.

You just gotta believe.

“I just don’t think we are going to make it this year,” stated Esposito in a Facebook post where she was slated for being a fair weather fan. “It seems like we aren’t a very good team this season and I think we are just going to play out the rest of the games and look towards 2019.”

According to new Facebook friend Dave Stewart, a man who friended Ms. Esposito after they met once at an Earthquakes watch party, there’s no room for this kind of thinking as there’s still, “plenty left to play for in the season.”

“You sound like all the other noob fans,” stated Mr. Stewart, an Earthquakes fan of the last three seasons. “Ready to give up when things aren’t going our way. We can still rebound and close out the season well. We finally got rid of Stahre and things are really going to come together.”

However, despite this wealth of fact based testimony given by Mr. Stewart, Ms. Esposito stated that she was still pretty certain that the Earthquakes weren’t going to make a playoff run as she indicated that math, of all things, bore her suspicious out.

“I just don’t think that there’s enough of the season left to make a charge or a change,” stated Ms. Esposito to a flurry of comments about her analytical ability.

The Nutmeg News will have more when this fake fan is drummed out of the stadium for not believing hard enough in her team.

Gold Cup Game At Soldier Field A Sign Of Possible MLS Expansion To Chicago

CHICAGO - According to insider sources with the league, the recent award of the Gold Cup final to Chicago is another sign of possible Major League Soccer (MLS) expansion to the windy city.

The Nutmeg News spoke to league officials who indicated that the recent uptick in soccer interest in Chicago shows a great sign of the future prospects of the league in the city.

“We want to be Chicago, I think everyone knows that,” stated Mark Abbot, President of Major League Soccer. “It’s important for us to have a place in the major cities that define this country and I think everyone with the league would welcome a Chicago team with open arms.”

According to soccer fans in Chicago, the issue is finding an ownership group that wishes to invest in a team as well as the political capital to build a stadium in the dense urban center of Chicago.

“We need someone with real willpower,” stated soccer fan Desmond Archer. “Someone who can bring quality soccer to Chicago and give us our first professional team. I feel like this is all slowly building to MLS in Chicago and I welcome the chance to have a team that I could call my own.”

According to league sources, an MLS team in Chicago would likely play their first season or two at the venerable Soldier Field before completion of a new stadium somewhere within the urban core.

“It’s important to us to be centralized,” stated Abbot to The Nutmeg News. “We need to be mixed into the character of the city and we need a passionate and invested ownership group to make this happen.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as MLS looks at stadium sites in Altgeld Gardens.

Massive Advertising Blitz By US Soccer For 2018 US Open Cup To Start Thursday

CHICAGO - The governing body of United States Soccer announced that a massive advertising blitz aimed at increasing public awareness of the 2018 US Open Cup tournament would begin tomorrow on September 27th, 2018.

“We will have tweets, Instagram posts, Reddit AMAs, and a very long board meeting about a possible billboard in the Sacramento area,” stated CEO of US Soccer Dan Flynn. “We are planning to have a ticket giveaway for the final and we are planning on setting up future viewing parties for the game in soccer hotbeds.”

US Soccer has traditionally done virtually nothing other than a few last minute tweets to showcase one of the longest running tournaments in North American sports but it says that those days are at an end.

“We plan on really putting an effort into the US Open Cup tomorrow,” stated President Carlos Cordeiro. “It’s going to be a really big effort by everyone involved to get eyes on the US Open Cup final by any means necessary. We are planning a lot of vertical integration and brand penetration to bring the millennial market into scope and we expect that people will really tune into the final whenever that game is actually played.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as an analytics expert raves about the twitter numbers and what that means for market penetration.

USL Announces New Intra-League Competition Called The Champions League

Tampa, FL - On a historic day for the evolution of soccer in North America, the United Soccer League (USL) unveiled a new structure and brand identity for an intra-league competition called The Champions League.

Here we see a mockup of what Preston North End Oklahoma Energy FC winning USL League 1 in the Sky Bet Play-Off Final at Wembley Midwest Taft Stadium would look like.

“Todays announcement comes at the dawn of an exciting new era of appropriation,” said USL CEO Alec Papadakis. “The USL spent the past eight years transforming our league to fit into the international landscape and what better way to do that then to create a TOTALLY ORIGINAL idea like the Champions League.”

Papadakis stated that teams from the Championship to League Two will play against each other in a home and away format before transitioning into a single elimination format.

“This is a completely revolutionary format for world football, er…. soccer,” stated Papadakis. “We are making our way the only way we know how. And you know what… At times? That’s just a little bit more than the law will allow. You know, I'm a good ol' boy You know my momma loves me. But much like our supporters, she don't understand they keep a showin' my hands, and not my face on TV .”

League insiders state that the USL will also be launching a intra-league competition called the USL Carabao Cup, as well as the Football Association US Open Cup, but for USL teams only.

“Our plan is to really find all the nuances that make the world’s game great and incorporate them into our league,” stated Papadakis.”We will have a transfer window reporter that does nothing but retweet spurious rumors about teams as well as another reporter who just responds to those tweets by saying they are completely unfounded. It’s going to be great.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the USL unveils an association with Pukka Pie and the England Band as official pie and songwriters of the league.

D.C. United Announce Renovations To Outdated Audi Field

WASHINGTON - D.C. United's ownership group headed up by CEO Jason Levien announced that the MLS Franchise signed a 2 year lease to allow United to play at Robert F. Kennedy Stadium while the team makes renovations and improvements to Audi Field. According to the D.C. United press release, “These efforts will bring needed modernization to United’s brand new obsolete stadium.”

This is how the stadium configuration will be changed to allow soccer to be played - artists rendering.

“We find it necessary to keep up the standard that our fans demand of us,” stated Levien to The Nutmeg News. “It’s important to ensure that D.C. United is keeping pace with other teams in the Major League Soccer. As such, we are embarking on a two year renovation of Audi Field in order to deliver a premier experience to our fans.”

Insiders with the MLS team state that Audi Field infrastructure such as that wall that no one can seem to figure out will be upgraded and fixed while the team plays for an increased capacity crowd at RFK Stadium.

“We are treating this as an event,” stated director of ticket sales, grounds-keeping supervisor, merchandise supervisor, player services liaison and recent new hire Henry Stewart. “We are hoping to pack the place, contact all our season ticket holders and really sell the experience and the oddity of D.C. United getting to play at the hallowed ground of Robert F. Kennedy stadium.”

Construction on the tottering edifice of Audi Field will begin during the 2018 off-season and it is expected that the construction will be complete around the 4th or 5th week of the 2021 season provided that there are absolutely zero delays or budget issues.

“We are going to add additional seats in the luxury suites, safe standing in the luxury suites, railings to prevent spectators falling down on top of each other in the luxury suites, and a new video board in the luxury suites,” stated Audi Field maintenance supervisor Delroy Lindgard. “The club is also adding a brand new bank of additional luxury suites that will ring the entire field. It is hoped that the new luxury suites and butler service will change the overall feel of the stadium to a more cozy and energetic atmosphere.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans prepare themselves for the pre-construction renderings and price increases.

New Youth Soccer Coach Hopes Wide Receivers Can Run Proper Fly Route

Hopkinsville, KY - David Hastings, the new youth soccer coach for the Bluegrass United boys and girls U-12 teams, stated that he hopes that the wide receivers on his team can run a proper fly route as he took his teams through practice for the first time this year.

“You boys better know how to block and what we are going to do is run through some conditioning drills,” stated Hastings to the collected teams.

Hastings started the boys and girls teams on a conditioning regiment that involved running wind sprints and working on fitness as he stated, “If we can run our opponents into the ground, we can win the battle on the field.”

Parents state that Hastings sent an email to parents asking for any assistant coaches with an experience in soccer or youth sports who could help by being his eyes and ears while implementing his mandates of physical fitness he expects to create a culture of winners.

“I have experience watching games in England,” stated father Tom Williams. “So, I volunteered to help our kids get ready for the season. I’m watching a lot of Youtube clips of the United States under Bruce Arenas to really get that idea of tactical nous and athletic endeavor that I need to instill in these boys. We need to play the American way with a lot of hustle and work.”

Hastings, for his part, plans to implement his long experience in conditioning drills for Pop Warner football into the regiment for his soccer teams as he complained about soccer’s culture of creating, “wusses who dive on the field and buy into that fake concussion bullshit.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hastings has his team working on their 40 yard dash speed.

Fans Start GoFundMe To Purchase Snorkels For North Carolina Courage

Cary, NC - After an interview with Courage head coach Paul Riley where he stated his attitude on Hurricane Florence was, “We have spoken about it very little. We would play in a supermarket parking lot if we had to,” fans of the North Carolina Courage started a GoFundMe to purchase snorkels for the team in case the torrential rains flood the Courage facility.

“It’s important for our team to have an advantage over the Chicago Red Stars,” stated Courage fan Rebecca Kruse. “We are purchasing the highest quality snorkels we can for the team.”

According to team representatives, they do not have enough money to purchase snorkels for the entire team as they rely on fan donations to outfit the entirety of the team.

“We were told that, due to NCAA rules, we are actually unable to outfit Tori Hansen or Julia Aronov if the team had to call them up so we are hoping there isn’t some kind of emergency that would entail them playing,” stated Kruse to The Nutmeg News. “The NCAA said that they would just have to purchase their own snorkels or just die in the flood to keep their eligibility. Either/Or.”

With tensions surrounding the game at an all time high, owner Stephen Malik took time out of ignoring the problem to state, “We do not need snorkels. God will prevent this field from flooding. Rain will not touch us. We are above rain.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Paul Riley enforces a new training technique of having the team hold their breath during shooting drills.

Quick Skim Of "Inverting The Pyramid" Has New Expert Ready To Talk Tactics

Knoxville, TN - A quick skim of Inverting The Pyramid has John Jamison, a new formations and historical soccer expert, ready to talk tactics with all the soccer fans in his local area as he prowled the internet for places to exercise his prodigious knowledge of the game.

“I know the…. um…,”

Mr. Jamison quickly opened the book to a tab

“Yeah, I know the WM formation and the history and you know… like that Hungary coffee shop shit. Who wants to talk tactics!”

Mr. Jamison quickly made a name for himself on forums connected to the United States Men’s National Team with his seemingly sophisticated analysis of current tactical trends implemented by interim head coach Dave Sarachan which really was just cribbed ideas that he lifted from Jonathan Wilson and appropriated to a specific game.

“Yes, indeed,” Mr Jamison said sagaciously as he re-watched a youtube clips from a German first division game from 1993 that he found on youtube. “I can completely see the total arc and evolution of the false 9 from this simple highlight.”

Friends say that Jamison’s usual sanctimony has gone through the roof after reading Mr Wilson’s book on tactical innovation through the years, but that he was fine as long as you don’t talk about soccer.

“It’s like John has gone all in with being a gluten free vegan crossfit advocate,” stated good friend Brad Halloway. “We don’t talk about soccer and he doesn’t ask me about my hentai addiction. Win/Win.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Jamison decides that the world NEEDS a blog and twitter account and a youtube account regarding his particular insights into international tactics.

NWSL Offer Hurricane Florence Position As Commissioner Of League

Cary, NC - The National Women’s Soccer League reportedly sent two unpaid player representatives in a flimsy row boat out into the Atlantic Ocean in order to offer Hurricane Florence the position of Commissioner of the NWSL.

“Even I think that Sky Blue hasn’t done enough for their players.” — Hurricane Florence

“We are committed to diversity and committed to new ideas,” stated NWSL executive Amanda Duffy. “As such, we feel that our long non-search is over. We are ready to extend an offer to Hurricane Florence to be commissioner of the NWSL.”

League insiders indicate that the NWSL is bullish on Ms. Florence due to the unprecedented amount of publicity the storm is generating in the news, recently.

“The NWSL wants publicity and what better way to get publicity than appointing a natural disaster as your Commissioner,” stated one anonymous source. “It’s like when the Galaxy hired Alexi Lalas. It’s probably going to fail miserably, but everyone will be talking about it while it does.”

The Nutmeg News reached out for comment to Hurricane Florence but was unable to receive a response from her representatives.