Drogba Sightings Continue Unabated In Montreal As Scientists Baffled

MONTREAL - Sightings of the mythical Drobga continued unabated as scientists with the crytpo-zoology department of the Université de Montréal confirmed they were looking into the supposedly non-existent striker.

Disputed footage of a Drogba in his natural kit.

"I saw him in the woods! I SAW HIM IN THE WOODS," yelled Impact midfielder Ignacio Piatti to disbelieving teammates at practice on Thursday. "IT was real. It was really him. I know it."

Expert in crytpo-zoology, Frederic Baker Montroy, indicated that there have even been reports of a roaming Drogba in the city as he states, "It is truly baffling. We've never seen this level of reporting about a man that we consider to be mythical. It would be something if we would see the Drogba in his natural habitat on the soccer field, but other than old rumors of times from long ago, we haven't seen a real Drogba in some time."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a man captures grainy footage of a Drogba practicing at Stade Saputo.

OPINION: "Have You Ever Watched A Barcelona Game On Mushrooms With The Audio Synced To The Dark Side Of the Moon, Man?"

The Nutmeg News prints opinion pieces from local contributors, at select times. Today's opinion piece comes from Stormwind Isildur of Raleigh, NC. The viewpoints and opinions of Mr. Isildurdo not necessarily reflect the viewpoints and opinions of The Nutmeg News.

"Have you ever watched a Barcelona game on mushrooms with the audio synced to The Dark Side Of The Moon, Man?

Have you? Like, Messi's kicks are made out of pure energy, and the flow of the universe tells us that the ball will roll effortlessly across blades of grass made of undulating cymbals. 

Neymar is like truth bombs descending from Gaya's womb that eats away at the cynicism of the world.

The noise of the crowd is the transformation of gazelles and baying lions crowding around for the death of the man with the ball, and the noise that comes from their mouth is the shutting sound of the dreams of millions, man.

You can also really see the work of a modern trequartista floating between the lines of attack, man, and the impact this has on the fullbacks pushing up the field delivering service. Also, I think that Busquets is pretty solid at times, despite being cynical.

When Roger Waters sings

'New car, caviar, four star daydream,
Think I'll buy me a football team' 

in Money it absolutely lines up with the times that Suarez, Neymar and Messi combine to create in the front line. Like, look at it man, it makes complete sense.

Trust me, bro. You gotta do this and the first time you do, you really gotta take a high dose. Let's just watch some Barcelona and take a trip. I've got some some tea , a vinyl copy of Venus In Furs, and a DVR'd recording of Real Madrid v Barcelona. Lets get wicked."

Emergency Meeting Called As Fire Desperately Try To Figure Out Any Way To Tie Themselves To The Cubs

CHICAGO - Fire executives reportedly called an emergency meeting to see if there is anything else that they can do to tie themselves to the Chicago Cubs with the Cubs the 2016 Major League Baseball Champions.

"We already sent a tweet, what more can we do?!" exclaimed general manager Nelson Rodriguez to a room full of Fire executives and a laminated cut-out of Andrew Hauptman.

"Let's figure out if we can legally run our own Cubs merchandise in some kind of Cubs/Fire mashup, tell the scarf department to whip up a Chicago Cub/Chicago Fire City Of Champions scarf, and then someone .... anyone.... get Joe Maddon to deliver the first ball of the season for us. Tell him we will even split the cost of an Uber ride out to Bridgeview."

Reportedly, the Fire have even gone so far as to see if they can call themselves the Chicago Cubs Fire for next season stating, "It would really tie the communities together."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as more Rodriguez states that no one is leaving the room until they come up with 10 more ways they can tie both clubs together.

IT Help Desk Employee Brings Down Company Network After Streaming All 8 UEFA Champions League Games

LOS ANGELES - IT help desk employee Jason Harbottle reportedly brought down the entirety of his companies network after streaming all 8 UEFA Champion's League games on 8 different monitors in the repair room at lunch time.

No one cares about your monitoring queues! ZAGREB!

"What the hell is a København and why is it pushing us above our allotted bandwidth?!" stated IT Security Manager and the only person that updates the company Visio document, Arthur Horton. "Manufacturing can't get to their supply database! We are leaking money because of Dinamo Zagreb?"

Reportedly, Harbottle thought that no one would notice him taking over the flotilla of computer monitors set up to diagnose tech problems on company computers and rigging them up to broadcast each and every game concurrently.

"They still let Reddit through the web monitor, I didn't think they would care!" ranted Harbottle on his twitter feed. "This is some bullshit. It's only lunch, it's not like it's the end of the world. Screw CIO Facetime. This is clearly more important."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this after learning that Harbottle quickly setup a private VPN server so that he could bypass the company firewall to connect to bet365 and stream games without getting caught in the future.

Soccer Fan Was Unaware That 99% Of His Soccer Twitter Feed Are Cubs Fans

Madison, WI - Soccer fan Quincy Talari was reportedly unaware that 99% of his soccer Twitter feed are Chicago Cubs fans as he noticed a massive increase of baseball talk creeping into his soccer stratosphere over the past month.

"I'm very certain that a vast majority of you were Red Sox fans a few years ago."

"My brother in law Doug.... he is apparently a Cubs fan. I had no clue. None. I've known Doug for 15 years," stated Talari to his wife Emma. "Even @powerliftandsoccer is apparently a Cubs fan. Every single person on my feed is seemingly a Cubs fan. I have no idea how this happened without me knowing about it."

Talari carefully curated his list of accounts that he follows on Twitter to ensure that he gets quality soccer talk but somehow, despite his best efforts, he has been exposed repeatedly to rampant World Series talk despite the variety of accounts that he follows.

"Even @NYSoccerGuy is apparently a Cubs fan. Instead of breaking down the Arsenal champions league game yesterday he spent most of the day talking about whether the Cubbies could force a game 7. And of all the people, @SoccerWavesInLa is also apparently a Cubs fan. She spent most of last evening live tweeting the game. My god, I didn't really have a clue."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Talari intentionally avoids game 7 in hopes that his timeline will return to normal in 24 hours.

Gerald Henderson From Elko, Nevada Nominated For MLS Newcomer Of The Year Award

Elko, NV - The town of Elko is buzzing after local septuagenarian Gerald Henderson was added to the list of prospective winners for Major League Soccer's Newcomer Of The Year award.

What is an offsides?

Henderson, who previously had not shown a single interest in soccer, was sucked into the last two weeks of Major League Soccer when he became bored with the NFL and decided that he wasn't going to get up to change the channel when an MLS game was broadcast on ESPN.

"Why, I never was understanding that soccer thing before, but it passes the time til all of our inevitable deaths," stated Henderson to The Nutmeg News on Tuesday. "We are all fleeting, ephemeral peoples who are slowly descending into madness and I actually have an appointment for a colonoscopy on Friday so I'm really just hoping that I'll be in shape to watch the playoff games this weekend."

As a coveted demographic of Major League Soccer outside the norm of 22 year old men and women discovering their drinking shoes for the first time, Henderson was nominated for the honor by the front office of Major League Soccer.

"He's the first person over the age of 70 in the state of Nevada to watch an MLS game," stated Mark Abbot, president of Major League Soccer. "For this reason alone he is the newcomer of the year. I hope to see him bringing on more of his friends in the future."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Henderson defeats Ola Kamara and Nicolas Lodeiro to claim his prize.

10 Years Of Soccer From David Albelda To David Villa To David Luiz Leaves Man Unable To Say David Correctly

Charleston, SC - Soccer fan James Smith admitted that 10 years of watching European soccer with players like David Albelda, David Silva, David Luiz and David Villa has left him unable to pronounce the word David as anything but Dah-Vid.

"It's Bahlenthia!"

"My friend David Anderson won't let me forget this is the case. I can't even say HIS name anymore and when I tried to just give him a nickname he wouldn't accept it," stated Mr. Smith to The Nutmeg News on Tuesday. 

"This whole thing started with casually watching soccer on the weekend. If I knew what I know now... oh god...I just wish I could say David the right way!"

Our reporter asked Mr Smith who his favorite baseball player is and he stated, "Dahvid Ortiz. You know.. Big Papá"

Smith finished his interview by screaming, "DAH-VID... DAH-VID... DAHVID," before running into the street screaming unintelligible curses and the word "Aluminium".

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Smith just decides that he gets to say Dahvid before it was cool.

Procrastinating Soccer Fan Goes As Soccer Fan For Halloween

Kansas City, KS - Procrastinating soccer fan Ashely Iswale finally caved to the pressure of the ticking clock and decided to go as a soccer fan for Halloween as she donned every scarf and piece of team gear she had in her closet.

ALL THE GEAR.... ALL OF IT.

"I couldn't think of anything to dress up as for this Halloween. I wasn't going to be Harley Quinn, and I was a lego person last year, and look...... I just couldn't think of anything I really wanted to do, this season," stated Iswale to The Nutmeg News. 

Reportedly, Iswale rooted through her closet for every single piece of clothing and wearable memorabilia related to Sporting Kansas City and the Kansas City Wizards that she could wear as she drenched herself in gear.

"I put on a throwback Jimmy Conrad Wizards kit, a SKC long sleeve t-shirt under that, a SKC Windbreaker, SKC pants, four scarves, a headband that i found in the Cauldron,  and even a branded SKC drink coozy," stated Iswale. 

Even Iswale admitted to being surprised by how much branded Kansas City soccer gear she had in her closet, but according to her Facebook status, "it did make my decision easier."

"I'm not certain when I got to the point when I could dress all in my team's gear from head to toe, but at this point I'm just happy I have something I can go as for Halloween without having to spend any additional money."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Iswale runs into her friend Carla Crowdin who decided to go full kit wanker.

D.C. United Announce Plans To Keep Ben Olsen And Flame Out Of Playoffs In 2017

WASHINGTON - D.C. United ownership, today, announced their 2017 plans to keep Ben Olsen as head coach and flame out of the playoffs in the first round again detailing an explicit plan to keep TRADITION alive as they announce new stadium renderings in the coming year.

Five more years of Bennyball! And more gloves! WAY MORE GLOVES!

"With Ben, we plan on keeping our commitment to playing poorly through most of the year, catching fire, making the playoffs, then failing to advance," stated United owner Erick Thohir. "It's important to our motto of TRADITION to keep the consistency of the past few years alive, and we feel that Ben is the best way for us to keep this playoffs thing on the cheap going."

Reportedly, the ownership of D.C. United are more concerned about their efforts to actually have a stadium in a few years, so how the team plays is not being prioritized.

"We just need to get through this construction phase, and then we will be concerned about selling season tickets. Making the playoffs is nice, but at this point we just need the team to exist for a few more years before we come back to the whole, 'winning in the playoffs,' business."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the TNN Curse (TM) catches Olsen.

OPINION: Models Of Consistency, PRO Keep Same Regular Season Standards During Playoffs

The Nutmeg News prints opinion pieces from local contributors, at select times. Today's opinion comes from Thomas Zubaj of New York City, NY. The viewpoints and opinions of Mr. Zubaj do not necessarily reflect the viewpoints and opinions of The Nutmeg News.

We must talk, Mr. Vermes. You are wrong. If we can all agree on anything it is that MLS referees the league over have kept their incredibly low standard of execution as the regular season moved into the playoffs.

Why would they apologize for something they consistently do on a game by game basis nearly every single week during the regular season?

While correctly disallowing an offside Matt Besler goal and incorrectly letting in an offside Nelson Valdez headed goal, PRO again showed that they are dedicated to keeping the same level of commitment shown during the regular season where they wandered around on the field with the manic intensity of a titmouse.

All fans the league over can commend PRO for continuing to miss calls with the same level of execution that they do during the regular season. 

If anything, PRO and MLS should be praised for finally finding the level of consistent inconsistency with the referees that adjudicate their games. Everyone now knows that the referee and linesmen in any game are going to be complete shit in nearly every game, so much so that it surprises each and every one of us when the referees are good! 

I can tell you that you are wrong, Mr. Vermes, because PRO is a model of inefficiency and inconsistency. They owe you no apology, because if they started apologizing for every time they screwed up  we would never get the next playoff game started and I can't wait to watch my beloved Red Bulls fall victim to their horrible game management and inequitable calls.

Sincerely and affectionately yours,

Thomas Zubaj

New York

Fans Of Winning Team Shocked That Fans Of Losing Team Disagree With Game Result

Seattle, WA - Fans of the Seattle Sounders were reportedly shocked that fans of Sporting Kansas City disagreed with their assessment of the controversial calls and end result of the Seattle Sounders - Sporting Kansas City playoff game.

It's only offside if you count his head, and his feet, and well, nearly everything.

"They think they shoulda won? WHAT?! How is that even possible," stated Bill Stevens from Tacoma. "Next thing you are going to tell me, they are going to disagree with the calls in the game. This is PREPOSTEROUS!"

After the hard fought 1-0 win for the Sounders advanced them to the next round of the playoffs, Sporting Kansas City fans were upset regarding a number of calls during the game that would directly have impacted the result of the game overall including a called back goal, a missing second yellow card and an offside goal by Nelson Valdez. 

It appears, though, that the civility of modern life is now torn asunder as fans of SKC vehemently disagree with fans of the Sounders that the Sounders should have won the game.

"How can we live as a society if SKC fans and Sounders fans disagree over the result of this game," stated Monica Gonzalez from Federal Way. "This is an indictment on our fast-paced social media and instant gratification society. It just reinforces why I now home school my kids and don't give them vaccinations."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as different fans from different teams find that they don't agree on anything!

After Repeated Viewings Of The Firm, Fledgling Sounders Casual Prepares Suit And Tie For Tonight's Game

Seattle, WA - After repeated viewings of the movie The Firm, fledgling Seattle Sounders casual Wesley Thorgood admitted that he is ready to go full proper lad in a suit and tie to tonight's Sounders - Sporting Kansas City playoff game.

WHO ARE YA! WHO ARE YA! WHO ARE YA!

"I was told that I needed to work on my knowledge of soccer as well as the supporters scenes that go along with them, so I watched The Firm last night," stated Thorgood to The Nutmeg News on Thursday. "I'm not entirely certain what Tom Cruise has to do with soccer hooligans, but I guess that's just something I'm not meant to understand."

Reportedly, friends gave a number of suggestions to Mr. Thorgood regarding the movies he could watch, but he was only able to find The Firm available on his streaming services.

"They said The Firm was one of the ones to watch alongside Green Street Hooligans and The Football Factory. I couldn't seem to find the other two, so I watched The Firm. Honestly, it just really confused me about the whole casuals scene because I don't know how you can be a casual while dressing in a suit and tie."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Thorgood starts his own "Dapper Lads Casuals Firm" where members are required to wear a suit and carry a briefcase.

Embratsu Deep Magik Details How Real Salt Lake Fans Will Recover From Devastating Loss

Salt Lake City, UT - Deacons of the Church of Embratsu admitted that their usage of Deep Magik while practicing their religion of Embratsu has indicated how Real Salt Lake fans will recover from the upcoming loss, the will of the unicorn rainbow gods be praised.

Woe be unto you, unbeliever.

"Our love shall dissipate into a whirlwind of pain," stated Great-Grand Deacon Steven Purtoise. "We will accept the pain and the will of the gods. We will then devour a cold coffee, a stale bread, listen to Lucretia, My Reflection by The Sisters of Mercy and inhale the vaped essence of Clove Smoke as our sacrament dictates."

Reportedly, fans within the Church of Embratsu indicate their willingness to embrace the awful and to love the suck extends to their upcoming playoff loss which will fill their essence with the nothingness of rainbow unicorn tears falling delicately onto a hammered dulcimer string made of razor blades.

"Only in pain can we survive to understand that there will be another season of disappointment ahead," stated Underling Nadia Brachovsky of Sugarhouse. "We must love our pain and roll with it in the tall supple grass of our Earth Mother that will whip us with the seeds of never ending sorrow."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Church of Embratsu readies their presence for the beginning times.

Landon Donovan Congratulates Self For Dragging Team Into Playoffs

LOS ANGELES - Prior to the Los Angeles Galaxy's first playoff game, international superstar Landon Donovan congratulated himself for dragging the Galaxy into the playoffs with his return.

In a 30 minute special that will air on MLSSoccer.com, Donovan sits down with himself to discuss himself and the lift that he provided to the Galaxy.

"Six games, Lando, six games," stated Donovan into a carefully positioned mirror that reflected his own visage back at himself. "That's all the team needed from your passion and effort to finally break the camel's back and make it into the playoffs. Those other guys didn't know they needed to be rescued, but they did. And now we are on our way to the cup again."

Reportedly, Donovan didn't originally think of doing a one man special talking to himself about himself into a mirror until a friend suggested that he should think about it.

"And then I realized that ... yes... I SHOULD tell the story of myself, to myself, about myself, for other to see so that they can understand how I brought the Galaxy back to relevance."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Donovan dedicates the Galaxy playoff game to himself with the hashtag #WinForLando

Major League Soccer Releases New Playoff Video Detailing, "How To Use Your Hands During A Game"

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) today released a new playoff video dedicated to educating their ignorant fan-base on what to do with their hands during the upcoming MLS playoff games on the 26th and 27th of October.

This video is for people who have passed remedial cheering 101 and advanced profanity 202.

"Your hands are attached to your arms," states the video produced by Major League Soccer. "And you can use them for many things during a game!"

Reportedly, the video tells fans that they can use their hands to clap, to point, to show something, to celebrate, and to castigate but in a upstanding and understanding way.

"You too can have a purpose with your hands that you never thought would be possible," states the 105 minute long video narrated by a hologram of Orson Welles. "A fine thing to do with your hands is to gesticulate, but not in a profane way. No fan should use their hands for ill deeds."

The Nutmeg News will have more when the Philadelphia Union release a video titled, "Urinals and You Part 4: Appropriate approaches and stream mitigation for needy bladders."

With 8 Hours Til MLS Playoffs, There's Only 10 Hours Til One Group Of Fans Stops Caring About MLS Playoffs

TORONTO - With 8 hours until the Major League Soccer (MLS) playoffs, there's only 10 hours until fans of either the Philadelphia Union or Toronto FC stop caring about the MLS playoffs entirely.

TWO WILL ENTER

ONE WILL MOVE ON

THE OTHER ONE WILL FINISH THEIR DRINKS AND FOCUS ON WORK THEY NEED TO FINISH AROUND THE HOUSE THIS WEEKEND

The Nutmeg News spoke to fans on the street to get their opinion on the upcoming clash.

"I only have 10 hours until my team moves on in the playoffs or I'm checking the lineup for tomorrows Panthers/Leaf's clash," stated Susan Reynolds of Richmond Hill, Ontario. "I'm hoping that TFC moves on, but honestly my interest in this league extends to Toronto FC. Once they are out, I'm out. I'm not about to watch Montreal play when I'm concerned about what is going on with Frederik Andersen."

Visiting Philadelphia fans had the same opinion as their Toronto counterparts as Nathan Fredrikson of Willow Grove, PA stated, "I've got a laundry list of things to do. While I do hope that the Union make it to the next round, if they don't.... well... it'll be time for me to start working on the house again on the weekend and taking the kids out to the Please Touch Museum on the weekend. I'm not about to go watch Seattle and Kansas City when I can watch the Jaguars and the Titans on Thursday night instead."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as both sets of fans await the offseason.

NASL Commissioner Sends Thank You Note To The Portland Timbers For The Massive Distraction

NEW YORK - The commissioner of the North American Soccer League (NASL), Bill Peterson, sent a message of thanks to the Portland Timbers for overshadowing the leagues swift descent into the bowels of irrelevance after plunging to a possible 9 team league for the 2017 season.

"Dear Merritt,

I hope this letter finds you well."

"As much as it is an awful thing for those players, no one is talking about all the teams leaving our league and the issues involved with running a league that is drifting slowly towards insolvency," stated Peterson to The Nutmeg News.

Reportedly, Peterson is extremely excited that there isn't a huge push right now to discuss the losses of Minnesota United, Tampa Bay Rowdies, Ottawa Fury, the rumored loss of Rayo OKC, and the financial struggles of the Fort Lauderdale Strikers.

"I don't care if it is Godzilla attacking NYC or two jackasses out drinking, At least my phone hasn't been ringing with reporters asking about the solvency of a league with 7 teams, I mean 9.... yes.... NINE teams. That's right, NINE IS ENOUGH. SHUT UP."

The Nutmeg News will have more on the NASL as they attempt to figure out who is going to be watching the league in 2017.

Argument About Legacy of Blur And Oasis Splits Whitecaps Casuals Firm

VANCOUVER - An argument over the legacy of the band Blur and the band Oasis split the Maple Leaf Lads Casuals firm prior to the Whitecaps game against the Portland Timbers on Sunday.

"BLUR WAS THE MOST INFLUENTIAL ROCK BAND IN MUSIC HISTORY," a Lonsdale of London wearing Kevin McKenzie shouted at his Stone Island sporting friend Roger Samuelson on the concourse of BC Place. "Oasis can't even lick the taint of Damon Albarn, what in the hell are you talking about?"

Reportedly, the beef started prior to the game when Samuelson continued needling a irritated McKenzie while they walked to the stadium about the impact of Oasis on the music  scene of the 1990's and the arc of human history.

"You know as well as I do that Noel Gallagher has more musical talent in his body than we ever have seen out of Graham Coxon," stated Samuelson while he attempted to stifle a smile and kicked his official Adidas gazelles. "Plus, do you honestly think Dave Rowntree can hold Tony McCarroll's jock? GET OUT OF HERE WITH THAT SHIT. Also, you liked Shaun Pejic and he was SHIT."

Fans in the area also report that Samuelson  also has serious opinions on Kendall Waston, but that the duo continued to argue about mid 90's British bands until their friends had to separate them as Samuelson yelled, "THE GOOD THE BAD AND THE QUEEN WAS A BIG PILE OF SHIT."

Reporters for The Nutmeg News can confirm that Samuelson and McKenzie were seen hugging and screaming together after the fourth goal went in against the Portland Timbers thus ruining their epic fight.

Functioning Alcoholic Really Needs Season To End

Kansas City, MO - Sporting KC fan and functioning alcoholic Jeremy Bevens was reportedly experiencing mixed feelings about the end of the year as he looked forward to the final 90 minutes of the Major League Soccer (MLS) regular season this weekend.

Welp, time for another game!

"Well, I drink when there's a game," stated Bevens to The Nutmeg News on Friday. "And I drink before and after, and with the recent stress of the battle for the playoffs.... well.... it's kinda gotten a bit out of control, recently."

With Sporting Kansas City in two competitions, and three earlier in the year, Bevens was drinking heavily two to three days a week and as the season carried on he noticed that his breaks without alcohol were getting fewer and fewer.

"I'm a social drinker. Honestly, I really am. I was socially drinking with the MLS regular season, then it was the US Open Cup, then the Royals started back up, then it was the CONCACAF Champions League, then it was the Chiefs starting back up. I mean, when you combine that with the social drinking that goes along with work and friends, I'm having a few or more drinks nearly every night."

Bevens says that is is primarily soccer that has him drinking this much, but that his team performs better when he drinks.

"Beer is great as an opener, but I noticed that they were better off on the field if I started to switch to scotch half way through the game. I've been drinking a lot more scotch as a result. Look, I made a promise to my wife that I'm going to take a break from drinking after the soccer season, but I really want Sporting KC to keep on winning. I told Sandra that I'm not going to decide between my love of my team and my sobriety. I passionately want Sporting to make the playoffs, for many reasons that aren't entirely related to the fact that I picked up two bottles of whisky and a couple 12 packs for this weekend's game."

Bevens stated that a deep playoff run will really allow him to keep drinking at the pace that he has been over the last two months, but his doctors warn him that his health demands that his soccer team get knocked out immediately if that would stop him from quickly pickling his liver and body.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Bevens remembers that long Chiefs tailgates allow him another socially acceptable method of heavy drinking on the weekends.

32 Year Old Welder Puts Together Bid For UEFA Champions League Final

Waxahachie, TX - Larry Burrows, a 32 year old welder and former pipefitter, stated that he and a group of friends were putting together a bid for the UEFA Champions League Final to be held at Lumpkins Stadium in beautiful Waxahachie, Texas.

Just wait til Real Madrid gets a load of this.

Burrows stated that he read about the possibility of UEFA allowing the Champions League final to be placed to a bid status which would allow the championship to be played outside Europe and he recruited local business owners and started a kickstarter to have Europe's ultimate Soccer championship be held at the relatively newly renovated stadium in Waxahachie.

"I'm tellin ya, there ain't no way this ain't happenin," stated Burrows to The Nutmeg News on Friday. "Well, the boys and I realized that what was good for Waxahachie was good for the region and we got some money together. Now, ya'll know I'm not a man to brag for the occasion, but we will get some of them Spaniard fellas down here playing that soccer ball."

Reportedly, Burrows attempted to get sponsors on board as he hinted at a potential sponsorship deal with snuff company Copenhagen and fried chicken restaurant Church's Chicken to make the Copenhagen 2017 UEFA Champions League Final brought to you by Church's Chicken a possibility.

"We gonna have a parade, we gonna have a shoot off, them boys are gonna have a great time! We'll have a pancake feed at the Knights of Columbus hall, and we can get Billy Jay to cook up some of his world famous ribs."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Burrows shows up to UEFA President Aleksander Ceferin's residence with a briefcase of money.