Game Against Saprissa Is Golden Opportunity For Timbers Fan To Test His Recollection Of Remedial Spanish

Portland, OR - According to inside sources, tonight's CONCACAF Champions League game against Deportivo Saprissa is a golden opportunity for Timbers fan Paul Anderson to test out his recollection of remedial Spanish that he learned at Wilson High School over 18 years ago.

Yes, this should work out perfectly.

"I'm pretty certain that I'm going to recall everything correctly, but I'm also going to ensure that I drink a lot before starting to swear at players in Spanish," stated Anderson to The Nutmeg News. 

While fully aware that no player will likely hear his prodigious voice, Anderson  stated that the effort was still necessary as he claimed, "I'd be letting my team down if I didn't try to cobble together a phrase about how dishonorable a players mother is, in Spanish."  Anderson also claimed that he would start with some innocent swears, like pendejo, as a warm up and move on to more forceful language if necessary. 

"I know there are words that I'm not supposed to say, but I can't remember if that is the word with the A in it or the word with the O in it. Either way, I'm sure it will all work out. This is going to be fun."

The Nutmeg News spoke to the fans that stand around Mr Anderson and they claim that his ability to drunkenly make a scene is on another level.

"I am absolutely terrified for tonight," stated Robert Barahona. "I'm already planning on having to break up fights over what is perceived that he said. The only thing worse than Paul trying to swear in Spanish is all the other fans around him that have no clue what he just said, are drunk them-self and misunderstand his swears as something terrible. God help us all"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Anderson quickly uses an online website that reportedly gives him the, "10 Spanish phrases you aren't supposed to say," in preparation for tonight's game.

Montreal Impact Pull Internet And Car Privileges From Tantrum Throwing Drogba

MONTREAL - In a press conference today, Joey Saputo announced that the Montreal Impact were pulling the internet and car privileges from Didier Drogba after his pre-game tantrum over being named to the substitutes bench.

Roman is having a party this weekend and you said I could go. THIS IS TOTALLY UNFAIR.

"We had a conversation and I notified Didier that this was unacceptable behavior. I asked him what he thought his mother would think about this, and notified him that we weren't mad, just disappointed. We also then informed him that he was grounded for two weeks, and that we were pulling his internet and car privileges while he was grounded. I instructed the tech team to change the password on the wifi. That'll show him."

Reportedly, Drogba was still upset over the Impact not allowing him to purchase additional skins on Overwatch and took his tantrum to the next level when he found out that he was named to the bench for the clash against Toronto FC.

"I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I WISH YOU WERE DEAD," screamed a petulant Drogba before he slammed the door on his bedroom and threw himself on his bed while texting Frank Lampard to see if he was having the same difficulties with HIS dad.

"Didier knows what he did, and the sooner he admits this to us the sooner that we can all take that family road trip to Disney World that I promised him we would take when I was deflecting attention away from the fact that we didn't have a great birthday celebration for him," stated head coach Mauro Biello.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Drogba climbs out of the window of his bedroom to sneak off to Napoli for the weekend.

Revolution Fan Shocked To Find That Atlanta Falcons Ownership Group Gives Equal Billing To Soccer Team

BOSTON - New England Revolution fan Dominic Marciano admitted that he was shocked to find that the NFL ownership group of the new Atlanta United franchise was giving equal billing the nascent soccer team.

PHOTO: Allie Bartelski

"Cross brand promotion? Equal billing? What is this shit?!"

"I always thought there was a law that you couldn't do advertising, promotions and give your soccer team equal billing if you own an NFL franchise," stated Marciano to The Nutmeg News on Tuesday morning. "I'm just baffled by this decision by Arthur Blank and the Atlanta Falcons."

Reportedly, Marciano only has his direct experience as a guide to what teams do, but he adamantly thought there was a rule in place that would prevent Robert Kraft from spending money advertising and creating an equitable atmosphere around the Revolution.

"I've been a fan for about 11 years, and I never actually thought it was possible for NFL ownership to care about soccer. I always accepted that soccer fans were just second place to big business, but this Atlanta United deal seems to show that it might be possible to create a mutually beneficial synchronous branding and advertising campaign between both sports enterprises. I am shocked."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Marciano realizes that maybe some people don't view soccer as a second tier enterprise.

NWSL Rookie Announces Retirement After Long And Illustrious Career

Kansas City, KS  - FC Kansas City rookie Alison Ribaro announced her retirement from the National Women's Soccer League after a long and illustrious career of one season.

"I can't afford to move to Minnesota, even if the team DID move there. I can barely afford to live in Kansas City!"

"I'm really seeing the writing on the wall, and as much as I love soccer... I can't just live off of a few thousand dollars per year," stated Ribaro to The Nutmeg News on Monday. "I've played the game since I was 10 years old, and I'll always treasure my professional career and my first paycheck of $600 that I used to pay living expenses for three weeks and put aside for some of the individual state taxes that are assessed on professional athletes."

According to inside sources, Ribaro was not in line to receive a call up to the US Women's Team and a desire to not remain destitute for the first 6 years of her life had Ribaro return to nursing school to further her career. Ribaro retires after 1 season, 15 games, and one team award for invaluable locker room presence.

"I know what my ceiling is, and if this league was further along I'd be able to stay, but the cost of playing soccer is just too high. For once in my life I'd like to be able to purchase a different ramen than Maruchan."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ribaro reconsiders her decision 10 minutes after her announcement is stated on twitter.

90 Minutes To Dictate Next Six Months Of Mental Health For Soccer Fans

Soccer fans watching their team battle for the final playoff spot in the west admitted that the final 90 minutes of games in the league will dictate the next six months of mental health for them as fall rolls into winter and the days become shorter.

"Why, Ozzie..... WHY?" 

Deborah Helms - Federal Way, WA

"Seasonal affective disorder AND the possible end of the season? I'm already feeling depressed, crushed and bored," stated Timbers fan Scott Howard who spoke with The Nutmeg News on Monday morning. "No, YOU sit in that house and weather the storms and crippling depression. And think about how you know its not going to be any better next year. Your team is never going to win."

Howard's Timbers may be on the outside looking in, but for fans of teams above the red line, things aren't any better.

"Woo. Thanks. No, its cool. Don't try and end the season in the spring when I can go outside and do yardwork and go for walks." stated Deborah Helms, a Seattle Sounders fan from Federal Way, Washington. "If we lose next weekend, its going to be a long winter. I'm not even certain if we should even BE in this position given how the middle of our season went."

"Anything can happen. ANYTHING. The final 90 minutes of the season have the possibility of leaving me effervescently buoyant or absolutely crushed," stated Quincy Adams, a Real Salt Lake fan from Ogden, Utah. "It's already dark, it isn't ski season yet, the weather is already changing and all I want to do is watch my team play in the playoffs so I don't have to spend the next few months thinking about the disappointing end to a long season"

The Nutmeg News, as well, spoke to Sporting Kansas City fan Dwayne Purcey who stated, "Already starting to get blustery, rain by the end of the month, getting those grey days, oh god... SKC.... you better make the playoffs. Lord knows that I can't rely on the Chiefs to make me feel better as them teetering on the edge of respectability is always a harbinger of a painful failure and spring training is too far away. For the love of all that is holy, you NEED to make the playoffs, I just need something in which to believe."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as one fan slips into a dark depression after the end of the season.

 

Promotion And Relegation Advocate Doesn't Know Why, "Assholes and Pricks," Won't Help Him

Gainesville, FL - Promotion and Relegation advocate James Smith doesn't know why, "assholes and pricks," won't help him advocate for a complete regime change and playing system overhaul of US Soccer as he belligerently berated every supporters group in the country for enabling the current system.

It's YOUR fault that Promotion and Relegation isn't happening tomorrow you stupid asshole! And your stupid kids. And your stupid team. And your stupid fellow supporters. YOUR FAULT. I'm doing ALL the heavy lifting.

.

.

Now, could you please help me out?

"YOU SUPPORTERS ARE ALL ASSHOLES AND PRICKS, WHY WONT YOU LISTEN TO ME," ranted Smith on his Twitter account @PRForUSAYouGuysOtherwiseYouAreAnAsshole.

"If more of you assholes would advocate for Promotion and Relegation we would have it right now," ranted Smith to every supporters group in MLS, NASL, NPSL and the USL as he tailored his message to ensure that he insulted every single member in as specific a way as possible.

"This is all just to get you fired up, because I'm TRYING to make you mad so that you lash out at Garber. All of you.... ALL OF YOU, deserve to get punched in the face, by me."

Reportedly, Smith thinks that frequently insulting, demeaning and being a lout online will engender support to his cause as he states, "The more I tell them how much they suck, they are awful, they are sheep, they are the root cause of all the problem, the more they are going to want to help out. IT IS SIMPLE LOGIC."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this Smith decides to tell his friend Dave that he is fat, ugly, lazy, and worthless in order to try to get his help while moving apartments.

Dynamo Fan Finds Solace From Unending Political Diarrhea In Listless Road Draw

Houston, TX - Houston Dynamo fan Wade Gutierrez admitted that he took to the Houston Dynamo - Seattle Sounders game last night to find solace and escape from the unending political diarrhea that has infected his Facebook and Twitter feeds.

Dean Rutz The Associated Press

"I don't care if it was still Owen Coyle out there and we only had 5% possession AND even if we lost, It was still better than looking at my cousin and her friend argue about Donald Trump, online," stated Gutierrez to The Nutmeg News on Thursday morning. "At least the Dynamo were just out there trying to play. We could lose by 10 goals and it is still more entertaining than Facebook right now."

Reportedly, Gutierrez checked into his Facebook and Twitter feeds at the half of the game and realized that nothing good was happening there as he was sucked into a comment thread for a person he doesn't even follow as he slowly began to realize how awful some of the family he has in his life act to those around him.

"I don't mind politics in sport. I actually think that politics and sport are intertwined, but at least politics and sport give me a palatable dose of athletic endeavor. Posting online gives me nothing but the feeling that some of my family and friends have nothing better to do with their life but launch personal attacks at everyone that surrounds them and then hope that they doing so will enlighten everyone on their feed. I'll take David Horst and Demarcus Beasley over that shit any day of the week."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Gutierrez takes to Facebook this morning to endlessly post comments about Ozzie Alonso and pictures of Ricardo Clark and Will Bruin in revenge for the 8 stupid racist news pages his aunt "liked" that showed up in his feed.

American Outlaws Declare War On USWNT

WASHINGTON - Members of the American Outlaws declared war on the US Women's National Team (USWNT) via a T.I.F.O display at the recent United States v New Zealand friendly.

THE MEN WILL NO LONGER BE SUBJUGATED BY THE FEMALE TEAM!

The display, which was planned over the course of 3 years, stated, "First In War, First In Peace, First In U.S. Soccer," which is, of course, a reference to the US Women, who are currently first in U.S. Soccer by virtue of winning 4 Olympic Championships and 3 World Cup Championships.

The Nutmeg News spoke to AO T.I.F.O director Samuel Pennence who stated, "NO LONGER WILL THE USMNT BE SECOND IN SOCCER. WE ARE FIRST IN U.S. SOCCER. WE WILL NOT BE SUBJUGATED BY THOSE WITH X CHROMOSOMES."

Reportedly, the American Outlaws mixed messaging has some questioning what the T.I.F.O actually meant with some stating that the phrase was actually not even referencing the team.

The Nutmeg News spoke to Professor of T.I.F.O for Wellesley College, Jane Goodinson, who stated, "making a T.I.F.O display for a sporting event that only references yourself is tantamount to extreme narcissism. What we can assume, however, is that with the stated goal of the men being first in soccer that someone else is second in soccer. If the members of this group were referencing themselves, this then would be seen as a poorly painted slam towards every other city and chapter of the American Outlaws in the United States which, of course, doesn't make sense either. So we can only extrapolate that the American Outlaws are declaring war on the USWNT."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the American Outlaws invade the training facilities of the USWNT to sabotage anything they can find in order to ensure that the USMNT will have a more successful 2017.

Rec League Roundup: Terrible Player Spends 2 Hours Waffling Over $299.00 Footwear Features

Des Moines, IA - Central Iowa Coed Soccer player Thomas Clark reportedly spent over two hours, on Wednesday, trying to decide whether the features on the Nike Mercurial Superfly V FG necessitated the purchase of the $299.99 cleats over the Nike Hypervenom Phantom II FG.

"Only posers are going to run the Mercurial Veloce III DF FG because that's just announcing to everyone that you only had $169.99 to spend on cleats."

According to friends and family, Clark is a terrible soccer player who really gains no benefit from wearing extremely expensive soccer specific cleats as teammates describe him as, "a complete subtraction, on the field."

Clark's current heatmap for the 2016 season is standing on the sidelines as he remains a massive liability both offensively and defensively to his team.  However, that hasn't stopped the aggressively lazy player from debating the minutia of two extremely expensive pieces of footwear.

"Which one of these is going to turn me into Lionel Messi," muttered Clark to himself as he scouted the gram differences in the weight between the two cleats. "It's likely the most expensive one, but you never know. I DO need the new chevron bladed studs so that I get better traction for straight line, explosive speed. However, I could also use a zig-zag pattern and the combo bladed and conical studs of the hypervenom. I mean, this could make the difference in the team's season."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this Clark abandons Nike to waffle over the adidas Messi 16+ PUREAGILITY FG. 

After Long International Break, Crew Fan Shocked To Find Season Still Ongoing

Columbus, OH - Columbus Crew fan Isabella Garces was shocked to find that the Columbus Crew's 2016 season was actually still going after the recent long international break. Given the Crew's position in the table and the lack of recent information about the team, Garces convinced herself that the season was finally over.

"Once more into the breach, dear fri.....wait.... what?

Oh... um

Thrice more into the breach, dear friends."

"We have a game on Thursday? And It's still the 2016 season?" asked a very confused Garces to her friends. "I thought we all agreed to move on from this one."

Reportedly, Garces was already mentally evaluating the players she hoped the team would sell and players that she hoped they would keep while making personal offseason plans after an excruciating 2016 season.

"I  am done, mentally," stated Garces to The Nutmeg News. "I'm going to go to a beach, relax, drink some cold drinks and not think about Higuain, Trapp, Kamara (either one). This season has been exhausting and entirely too long, at this point. It feels like an unending procession of doom from MLS Cup on. I'm just excited to decompress at this point and come back in 2017 excited for games again."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Garces rallies to watch three more MLS Games.

Soccer Fans Worried That 55 Year Old Man In Sports Bar Will Ask Them To Change Channel To Baseball

NEW YORK - Soccer fans gathered at Mr. Dennehy's in the West Village were reportedly suspicious when 55 year old James Murphy walked into the location that the man who was described as, "old as hell," would ask them to change the television station to Baseball.

"Ok, so we are going to go back in there and tell that bartender to tell that bouncer to tell that guy, once and for all, that we AREN'T CHANGING THE CHANNEL."

"He looked like the type," stated 22 year old Dominic Hughes. "You know what I'm talking about.... he was old, I bet he likes Baseball."

Reportedly, fans immediately became suspicious of Murphy when they realized that he was at least 30 years older than most of them, that he still smoked cigarettes instead of vaping, and that he asked for a "black and tan" at the bar.

"Look, if he asks for the Yankee Game, we will just politely ask the bartender to ask him to be quiet," stated Hughes to his friends. "If he gets physical, then we can ask the staff to tell the bouncers to eject him. We were here first."

Reportedly, Murphy was just trying to get a pint and a place where he could watch a replay of the recent international game between Scotland and Lithuania. However, he was unable to finish his drink as a coalition of angst ridden youth approached him to tell him that in no uncertain terms they would NOT be changing the channel to Baseball and that they would be getting the staff involved, no matter what he says.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Murphy attempts to convince the youths that he actually has been watching soccer for longer than they have been alive.

Abby Wambach Takes Immigrant Interrogation Position With ICE

NEW YORK - Following up on comments she made earlier about not wanting immigrants to take United States jobs in soccer, a rapacious Abby Wambach announced that she would be taking a special Sports Immigrant Interrogation position with the United States Government Immigrant Customs Enforcement (ICE).

"Please tell me why you love this country, and be specific"

"I just wanted to talk to all immigrants to the greatest country in the world to ensure that they really love this country before we let them come in here and get jobs, healthcare and an overwhelming sense of freedom," stated Wambach to The Nutmeg News on Tuesday. "With my new position with ICE, I finally can call the shots on who is legally allowed to play for the United States (anybody with a surname of Wambach) or not (anybody with a surname of Diskerud). It's very simple."

Reportedly, ICE were all too ready to give Wambach a blank check to conduct personal interviews with every single immigrant that has entered the shores of the United States stating, "Go get em and deport them back to hell," before telling Wambach that she has the right, now, to revoke passports and green card status of any player she felt didn't love the United States enough.

"Do they have that killer instinct? I don't know. But I'm going to find out, and when I find out, they may have to do some horrible things in their own home country to prove that they will kill for the United States. I want sabotage against national teams and people swearing loyalty oaths to the United States before they go out on the field of battle," ranted Wambach. "This goes for all sports. We must bow before the flag and shed the blood of the infidels. You must understand that you will love this country or you will leave it. Those are the only two options. And they will bow before me, if they know what is good. Look if this is an ignorant opinion and I deport a few hundred people, It's no big deal. I'll just raise my hand in the end and say, 'my bad.' But we are definitely going to have that conversation and you better be able to prove that you love the United States."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Wambach starts with Yaseil Puig, Grant Balfour and anyone that fits the profile.

Wayne Rooney Admits He Is Considering Switching to USA After Being Dropped To England Bench

England captain Wayne Rooney says he is considering switching to the United States after he was dropped for Tuesday's World Cup qualifier against Slovenia.

"I wonder if I could get an endorsement deal with Red Robin."

The current Manchester United player and future NYCFC bench option admitted that he has reached out to Jurgen Klinsmann to see if the former Bayern Munich boss can re-ignite his international career by allowing the Stars and Stripes convert to lineup in the Red, White and Denim.

"Jurgen was very interested in the idea, but he insisted that I continue sitting on the bench at Manchester United so that he could have at least one player actually on a team in England," stated Rooney to The Nutmeg News on Monday evening. 

Reportedly, while FIFA does not allow capped players to switch international teams, they also really like money and Sunil Gulati has indicated he is not above bribing an official to get Rooney on Team USA.

"We can make this happen. I learned everything I need to know from Jack Warner. I'm just saying, don't count the USA out. We are in the Rooney sweepstakes."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Rooney states that he really is well and truly chuffed regarding the United States.

Che Wearing Jozy Altidore Talks About Seizing The Means Of Production

WASHINGTON - A "Che Guevara" t-shirt wearing Jozy Altidore called an impromptu press-conference in Washington DC before the United States takes on New Zealand to talk about seizing the means of production and the rise of the proletariat.

"Guys, what we are talking about here is the embattled working class."

"Look, I'm not calling for a complete overhaul of our government, I'm calling for a systemic revolution lead by the working class to seize the means of production and distribute the economic resources for the greater good," stated Altidore to the assembled reporters.

Reportedly, Altidore's fervent commitment to the ideals of Communism came after the United States Men's National Team trip to Cuba where he was exposed to socialist and communist theories while on a guided tour of Havana. 

"I listened to a LOT of Rage Against The Machine on the way down and I realized that we really are just marching endlessly to the drum beat of capitalism which defines our principles on a daily basis. All of us... ALL of us are bulls of Capitalism on parade. We must rage against THAT machine in our own way and I feel that I can do so by taking the principles of Karl Marx, Che Guevara and Fidel Castro to a wider audience in The United States."

Reportedly, Altidore has signed up to teach a learning annex course on socialist theories and manifesto creation at the Hudson County Community College during the Toronto FC offseason as he states, "we must teach the working class and middle class to rise against the bourgeois elite. We can tear down the walls of filthy capitalism and create a new utopia. Viva Cuba!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as teammates attempt to move Altidore on to nu-metal and his moshing phase by implementing more Limp Bizkit into his Spotify playlist.

NWSL Announce Helsinki As Next Location For Championship Game

The National Women's Soccer League (NWSL), today, announced Kartanon (tekonurmi) field in Helsinki, Finland as the next location for the 2017 NWSL Championship game.

Better amenities than Yurcak Field.

The NWSL and Commissioner Jeff Plush stated that after the overwhelming success of the neutral field venue, over the past two years, that they wanted to export the best women's league in the world to Finland to increase the international exposure.

"It's important for us to connect our league with the Finnish demographic," stated a half naked Jeff Plush from the relaxing Herrankukkaro sauna in the town of Naantali. "We are working with Finland on a regional broadcast package which would allow us to get a game of the week in the northern half of the town of Tampere."

Reportedly, the NWSL is receiving a half-ton of Juustoleipä (Finnish squeaky cheese) in compensation for the broadcasting package and is attempting to use their new Scandinavian connections to work on a broadcasting package for the people of Lysebotn, Norway.

"We can really interconnect Norway, Sweden and Finland to build a coalition of Nordic countries," stated Plush as he asked for more hot stones be brought into the sauna. "We think the NWSL fans will travel just fine, I mean look at the nearly sold out crowd that we got in Houston. It was amazing there. You should have been there. The stadium was WAY more full in person. Trust me, Helsinki is going to go off. PLUSH OUT."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the NWSL negotiates with Qatar for the 2018 Championship game.

Fans Encouraged To Ask For Other Player Signatures At NYCFC Event

Aguascalientes, MX - During a recent signing event with NYCFC during a bye-week friendly tour of Mexico, local fans were, reportedly, encouraged to have other people sign things at the table as the crowd of fans surged forward to collect autographs from Andrea Pirlo and David Villa.

Son éstos a su entorno?

"ESTOS HOMBRES TAMBIÉN SON JUGARDORES (these men are also players)," stated Jose Calderon, the director of the signing event hosted by Club Necaxa as he gesticulated wildly at the other members of NYCFC sitting at the autograph table.

Reportedly, fans were utilizing the other players at the signing table as a way to take pictures with Villa and Pirlo, as well as other tasks.

"I handed someone my Barcelona kit so I could take a picture with Villa and it came back with a signature for Mehdi Ballouchy. Is this good?" asked Ramon Torres from Calvillo. "I was just hoping to get a signature from my favorite player, but I guess this will work as an addition."

"I GOT Andoni Iraola... I GOT... wait...que es Andoni Iraola," asked María del Carmen Hernandez.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as thousands of Necaxa fans are converted to the church of Ballouchy.

D.C. United Executives Shocked That Fans Still Want To Talk About Team Online

WASHINGTON - D.C. United executives were reportedly shell shocked by the recent kerfuffle over the language in their season ticket renewal contract that caused shockwaves through the D.C. soccer community.

"Look, Bill, no one is going to make a peep about this.... trust me... it'll all be water under the bridge when we get that new stadium opened."

"Frankly, we are surprised that anyone wants to talk about this team in the first place," stated Tom Hunt, president of business operations. "We have done our best over the past few years to put a middling product in a cavernous stadium with aggressive anti-fan policing both inside and outside the stadium, so we were completely shocked that fans still wanted to talk about the team at all."

The new language in the DC United season ticket contract is vague enough that theoretically it could be utilized to squelch any kind of information, pictures, or talking about the game on social media from any fan that is a D.C. United season ticket holder. However, the front office, reportedly, didn't expect that anyone in the United fanbase, that currently had season tickets, still cared enough to complain about the overreaching language.

"Imagine our surprise when we found out that we still had fans that read the fine print," stated Hunt to The Nutmeg News. "We just thought that when we moved to a new stadium that we could get a new season ticket contract signed, stop any fan dissent and hopefully replace all of our current fans with new soccer fans that are more interested in taking a selfie with a scarf and paying good money for a limited beer selection than the language that we will use to eventually prosecute them for complaining about... well... myself."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as D.C. United continue their plan to overhaul their fanbase via season ticket attrition.

FIFA Reconsiders 48 Team World Cup After Realizing It Would Let In More CONCACAF Teams

Zürich, CH - "We've made a huge mistake," stated Gianni Infantino, president of FIFA, after the realization that his proposed 48 team FIFA World Cup would actually let more CONCACAF teams into the tournament.

"What are all these countries?!"

"While I'm all for more money, and I think money is great.... do we REALLY want to see Trinidad and Tobago in the World Cup?" posited Infantino in an exclusive interview with The Nutmeg News. "There's only so much that the game of soccer can take, and it's entirely possible that a World Cup match between Aruba and Guyana would end the sport of soccer for the foreseeable future."

Insider sources indicated that FIFA did not entirely think out their proposal of expanding the World Cup as they incorrectly assumed there were more teams like Germany or France out there. Instead, when informed of Montserrat, Belize and Saint Kitts and Nevis, Infantino blanched at his own proposal and suddenly demanded a new meeting to retract his previous 48 team World Cup statement.

"Hell would be 110 degrees in Qatar with 5,000 people watching Suriname v Barbados," stated FIFA Senior Vice-President of trundle beds, money laundering and match fixing, Issa Hayatou. "We must prevent this with all of our vast resources and connections that we have. We cannot let CONCACAF destroy the FIFA World Cup."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as FIFA executives schedule a viewing of an earlier Saint Kitts and Nevis - Turks and Caicos Islands game to see if the 12-4 aggregate score line was actually entertaining.

Brilliant Fan's Original Idea To Rebrand RBNY For New Jersey Taken To THE INTERNET!

Dallas, TX - Travis Tarkington, a casual soccer fan, took his brilliant and original idea to re-brand the New York Red Bulls to be the New Jersey Red Bulls to the internet on Wednesday as he peppered the various websites and social media constructs that he visits with his wholly original plan to save the team and spur attendance.

"See! HERE IS A MAP THAT PROVES MY POINT" - Travis Tarkington

"They play IN New Jersey, so they should be FROM New Jersey," ranted Tarkington online to a collection of passionate Red Bull fans who have heard every single stupid re-branding idea foisted upon them by individual know-it-alls since the team was purchased and re-branded from the Metrostars over 10 years ago.

"See, they play in New Jersey, so they should be FROM New Jersey," stated the man who has never traveled outside the Dallas/Fort Worth area and whose experience with the area of New York comes from sneak watching episodes of Sex In The City for the occasional nudity.

While fans of the New York Red Bulls attempted to explain the problematic idea of New Jersey branding based on the season tickets of the team combined with the idea of land value, where you can build a stadium on an island, the New York Giants,  and transportation in the area, Tarkington forged ahead stating, "Think of all the players from New Jersey! They could be from New Jersey and represent New Jersey!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Tarkington explains that he refuses to drive 90 minutes, in traffic, to watch FC Dallas games because the stadium is in Frisco.

35 Year Old Manchild Hailed As Paragon Of Perfect Soccer Journalism

LOS ANGELES - Derryk Talari, a 35 year old manchild, was recently hailed as a paragon of perfect soccer journalism by his peers online after another of his hard hitting but truthful pieces about the state of soccer in the United States was published on his blog, SeriousSoccer.com

"I KNOW Seattle - Vancouver is starting.... Mom.... I'm RAIDING"

Talari, who lives with his parents and spent the last 40 hours playing the World Of Warcraft: Legion expansion online while hammer fisting Mountain Dew, eating pizza rolls and asking his mom to not mix his underwear up with the bright colors, is often included in the discussion of the best soccer journalists in the United States for his unflinching and independent discussion brought to the game.

"I have a lot of time to watch the game," stated Talari to The Nutmeg News. "Between my Raids online and my repeat listening to YYZ for an essay that I'm emailing over to Pitchfork, I tend to watch soccer games at home for analysis. I also try to keep up with all the information on social media, which helps color my opinion."

Talari's peers judge him solely on his twitter persona and his blog which they view as an excellent watchdog on the state of soccer in North America as they hail his ability to flush out even the most microscopic of details from the minuscule information out there.

"Talari is a god," stated soccer fan David Henderson. "I don't know how he does it. Between my job and the kids and the commitments I have on the weekend, I have just enough time to squeeze in one game. Then, bam, here comes Talari with an in depth discussion on the tactical alignment and reinvention of the Puerto Rico Islanders. It's amazing."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Talari utilizes his internet fame to run a vague soccer kickstarter that funds his ability to purchase an Oculus Rift.