Functioning Alcoholic Really Needs Season To End

Kansas City, MO - Sporting KC fan and functioning alcoholic Jeremy Bevens was reportedly experiencing mixed feelings about the end of the year as he looked forward to the final 90 minutes of the Major League Soccer (MLS) regular season this weekend.

Welp, time for another game!

Welp, time for another game!

"Well, I drink when there's a game," stated Bevens to The Nutmeg News on Friday. "And I drink before and after, and with the recent stress of the battle for the playoffs.... well.... it's kinda gotten a bit out of control, recently."

With Sporting Kansas City in two competitions, and three earlier in the year, Bevens was drinking heavily two to three days a week and as the season carried on he noticed that his breaks without alcohol were getting fewer and fewer.

"I'm a social drinker. Honestly, I really am. I was socially drinking with the MLS regular season, then it was the US Open Cup, then the Royals started back up, then it was the CONCACAF Champions League, then it was the Chiefs starting back up. I mean, when you combine that with the social drinking that goes along with work and friends, I'm having a few or more drinks nearly every night."

Bevens says that is is primarily soccer that has him drinking this much, but that his team performs better when he drinks.

"Beer is great as an opener, but I noticed that they were better off on the field if I started to switch to scotch half way through the game. I've been drinking a lot more scotch as a result. Look, I made a promise to my wife that I'm going to take a break from drinking after the soccer season, but I really want Sporting KC to keep on winning. I told Sandra that I'm not going to decide between my love of my team and my sobriety. I passionately want Sporting to make the playoffs, for many reasons that aren't entirely related to the fact that I picked up two bottles of whisky and a couple 12 packs for this weekend's game."

Bevens stated that a deep playoff run will really allow him to keep drinking at the pace that he has been over the last two months, but his doctors warn him that his health demands that his soccer team get knocked out immediately if that would stop him from quickly pickling his liver and body.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Bevens remembers that long Chiefs tailgates allow him another socially acceptable method of heavy drinking on the weekends.