Yukon Police To Offer "Buy One TASER One" Tickets To Rayo OKC Games

Yukon, OK - The Yukon Oklahoma Police Department, today, announced a new Buy One TASER One promotion as a fundraiser to buy more armored vehicles for the rural law enforcement office.

LETS GET PHYSICAL ON THESE SOCCER FANS! MURICA!

Having previously kicked out a soccer fan for not standing during the national anthem and applying a TASER to him when he tried to re-enter the stadium, the Yukon Police showed their solidarity by offering to TASER any other Rayo OKC or Energy FC soccer fans in the area.

"Soccer is a godless communist sport full of anti-American dissidents," stated the Yukon Police Department announcement. "As such, it is our pleasure to sell tickets for a game and a TASER in order to raise funds to continue buying our armored vehicles and M-15's for the department. Long Live Canadian County and Long Live the Yukon Police Department! TASER for everyone who isn't a white home owning native Oklahoman....... well, not entirely native if-you-know-what-we-mean."

Despite not being utilized as security for Rayo OKC games anymore after the ejection and TASER incident, the Yukon PD indicated that they would be more than willing to stand in the parking lot and TASER anyone else that looked like they deserved it stating, "TASER today, Patriot tomorrow."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Yukon Police Department decides to increase the number of tanks they own.

Fan Re-Enrolls In College To Master Theoretical MLS Playoff Computations

Minneapolis, MN - Minnesota United fan Hannah Thone, today, announced her decision to re-enroll in college at Normandale Community College in Bloomington in order to master theoretical playoff computations for the end of the 2016 Major League Soccer (MLS) season and upcoming inaugural Minnesota United MLS season.

From American Soccer Analysis

"I felt it was in my best interest to try to understand how a team in 6th or 7th or 8th place can make it into the MLS Playoffs and trying to understand all this from a layperson perspective is exhausting," stated Thone to The Nutmeg News.

With the difference between teams being games played, tiebreakers, point totals, points per game and theoretical run ups featuring weaker teams but played away, the computations for making the playoffs this season are nearly absurd sending many people back to the class room to learn a new way of computing their teams playoff chances.

"I just wanted to expand my knowledge on the subject and already the class is paying off," stated Thone. "I'm already starting to see that based upon games played and statistical playoff odds that a person who is a fan of Sporting Kansas City or Real Salt Lake would need to know some advanced math in order to compute the requisite tiebreakers that show how they end up in the playoffs or how high they can climb in order to avoid a first round play-in game. It's exhausting work, but it's beneficial to my knowledge of the game of soccer."

According to Thone, some of her early class homework includes writing an essay on points per game and games in hand as it pertains to modern expressionism and Reaganomics.

"If we look at the MLS playoffs as an example of cutting taxes on corporations, how does it show points per game and win tiebreakers in terms of voodoo economics. It's very intense, but it still makes more sense than how 6th and 5th place are playing out in the Western Conference."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Thone constructs a flowboard of all playoff chances in the MLS Western Conference with string and clipped pieces of news in her living room.

New Soccer Fan Continues To Inadvertently Work Britishisms Into Vocabulary

NEW YORK - New soccer fan Dale Koblens, reportedly, continued to inadvertently work select Britishisms into his day to day vocabulary after picking a team in England's Premier League to follow for 2016/2017.

What most people think Koblens house now looks like.

"The first time I noticed the change was when Dale said Nil," stated friend Jerry Burrows.

"I started to wonder if he was a soccer fan because I hadn't heard him use the word at all before this year. The next word I heard was Kit and Pitch. At that point, I knew that he was watching English soccer, so it was only a matter of time before I found out which team he was supporting."

Reportedly, Koblens started peppering his speech with a variety of words and phrases that he never used before including the words, "bollocks, bellend, whinge, shag, bloody, mate, lad and chuffed." Koblens, as well, realized that within the last two weeks he made a joke about Asda, developed a strange desire to drink tea, was caught complaining about Nigel Farage and developed a strong opinion about Non League football and what it means to the working class in Staffordshire to have Tamworth win the FA Vase.

"We won't see a problem like Pompey pop up in Tamworth," stated Koblens to The Nutmeg News. "My lads and I know a right proper punch-up like we seen on the terraces, and I won't venture a guess it'll happen soon enough," mumbled Koblens as he took a complete gamble on the veracity of his words by hoping that our interviewer had no idea what he just stated as he dipped a french fry into a small dollop of HP sauce that he recently purchased at Myers of Keswick.

The Nutmeg News will have more on Koblens as he begins to interchange the terms football and soccer without thinking about it, until he starts thinking about it, and then he realizes it now seems more affectatious to think about it then it does to just use the term he wants to use when referring to the game to different groups of people.

Woman Spends Last 15 Minutes Of NWSL Playoff Game Licking Virtual Tears Of Thorns Fans

Orlando, FL - Orlando Pride fan Angelica Browning admitted that she spent the last 15 minutes of Extra Time during the Portland Thorns - Western New York Flash NWSL playoff game licking the virtual tears of Thorns fans as the Thorns lost in the first round of the NWSL playoffs.

Later: The Nutmeg News will investigate if Animal/Human hybrids are taking over the Orlando Pride fan groups, and YOU WONT BELIEVE what these Furries do that cause cancer!

"HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT!" repeatedly yelled Browning at the television while girlfriend Monica Dawes calmly read a book in the corner with ear plugs in.  "Get out... GET OUT! I drink your tears!"

According to Ms. Dawes, Browning is frequently exuberant during soccer games, but especially during Pride games or when the Thorns lose.

"There's just something about that team, and about that fanbase that rubs her the wrong way," stated Ms Dawes. "She really seems to enjoy watching them lose. Not as much as she likes to watch the Pride win, but sometimes I wonder if those things are reversed. I had to draw the line, though, when she tried to lick the television screen. That was a bridge too far."

Reportedly, while Browning has a full grasp of the need for strong fan groups in women's soccer, the over reliance of the NWSL on the Portland Thorns drives her crazy.

"I just want a strong league, so I can hate all the teams equally. But Portland.... well, they make it easy. And I'm glad they lost... really, really glad."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Browning takes Ms. Dawes out for a nice dinner as a method of apologizing to her for making her sit through the, "longest soccer game ever".

Former Fulham Fan Realizes That He Really Was Always A Swansea Fan

Indianapolis, IN - Former Fulham fan Randy Balweg admitted that he woke up this morning with the crystal clear realization that he really was always a Swansea fan before opening up the kit order page and liking the Swans Facebook and Twitter accounts.

"It's been two years since I had a team, after Fulham were relegated," stated Balweg to The Nutmeg News. "But with big old Bob Bradley coming to the helm, I feel like it's my patriotic duty to completely abandon the team that I swore allegiance to and jump full feet into supporting a team in a country that I couldn't even point out on a map. UP the Swans and more importantly, Up the USA.... USA.... USA... USA... USA... USA... USA... USA ... USA... USa!"

Reportedly, Balweg was a Bradley hater during his time with the USMNT but that was because, according to him, he didn't know that he had Premier League quality at that time.

"I hated Bradley, but now my time with Klinsmann has convinced me that I love Bradley. If only we could get a real, true, Premier League manager like Bob Bradley to coach the USMNT. He would make America great again internationally. I mean, if you think about the USMNT and you think about the USA, AND... you think about Bob Bradley, he will be able to bring all these American kids straight into Swansea and get them playing time. Finally the criminal overlook of all these talented kids by the greedy corporate Premier League will be at an end! Bradley was an inside job! As a long suffering Swans fan of 2 hours, I can't wait for the team to be lifted by this new acquisition!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Balweg realizes there isn't a pre-made kit with Bradley's name on the back that he can purchase, so he has to actually research players on the team.

U-Sector Member Debates Protesting With Inebriatti

TORONTO - U-Sector member Reinhardt Williams admitted that he was debating protesting with Toronto FC (TFC) supporters group Inebriatti over the recent decisions by the Toronto FC front office, but was thinking he probably wouldn't, primarily because of a bad interaction he had 2 years ago with a guy named Tim.

"That Tim guy WAS a dick," stated Williams to friends. "So while I agree with 99.9% of the reason why Inebriatti and other supporters are having a quiet protest in Toronto, I also don't like that guy, so....... um.... I'm not going to protest?"

Reportedly Williams doesn't like the fact that TFC have decided to pin the offensive and sexist two-stick displayed against the Montreal Impact on the Inebriatti, despite the creator of the two-stick not being a supporters group member and having admitted that fact.

Williams is also disturbed by the overreach of the TFC front office into matters regarding supporting the team, banners, flags and cracking down on supporters groups as a whole.

However, all of that pales in comparison to that time where that guy from a supporters group that may have been the Inebriatti was possibly a dick to him at the beer line 2 years ago.

"Well, I believe in solidarity and standing up for what you believe, but I also think Tim may have called me a pretentious asshole a few years ago," stated Williams to The Nutmeg News. "I'm not entirely certain he was talking to me, but he seemed like a jerk so I don't think I want to support anyone over there because of this."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams considers not going back to Lucky Moose Food Mart because an employee gave him a disrespectful stare.

Re-Education Camp Helps Fan Understand Major League Soccer

Greendale, CA - After emerging from a Major League Soccer (MLS) re-education camp and month long health spa held at the luxurious Grand Island Mansion, soccer ultra and former dissident Carl Marshall stated that he is, now, perfectly at ease with all things Major League Soccer.

CHICAGO AGAINST NEW ENGLAND -- AN EPIC RIVALRY FOR THE SENSES THAT CANNOT BE TOPPED.

"I've come to love all the things that I used to oppose. The first bit of work that we did was on my dislike of 12 out of 20 teams making the playoffs. Now I see the benefit. Oh boy, do I see the benefit.  THE. BENEFIT. I SEE THE BENEFIT," stated Marshall to The Nutmeg News on Thursday.

"I also, now, enjoy half-time talking-head shows, fireworks before, during and after the national anthem. I've been told that I hate people that kneel during the anthem, I always buy beer AND food at the stadium, I never smuggle in my own flask, I think it's great that Landon Donovan is back, I hope we can get Wayne Rooney and Cristiano Ronaldo for a team that isn't mine because it would be great for the league and our overall brand exposure. I believe that we need more Lalas and more Borg, like a lot more, like there should always be some form of Lalas and Borg in my life. Like if I'm performing a bowel movement, there should be a way for a Lalas to tell me, in a dispassionate tone, that my pushing isn't a good effort, or for Borg to yell, 'now THAT's A POOP!'

I always eat McDonalds and I only buy Adidas gear. I always shop at the front office store and I admit that I don't know anything about the sport other than the reason you make signs and banners is to raise the profile of the league so that everyone can benefit. Also, I always will spend all weekend convincing my friends and family to watch games because we need to increase television ratings."

When asked about his former activities in the stands that ran afoul of the MLS Code Of Conduct, Marshall was quite apologetic.

"I did bad things, things that good boys don't do. Good boys don't swear, good boys don't utilize pyrotechnics in, around, beyond or on the way to the stadium. Good boys don't flip off players or present themselves in a way that would challenge the family friendly nature of Major League Soccer. I'm a good boy, so I know that going forward I'm going to cut out all that ballyhoo and really focus on the family. This sport isn't about passion, it's about arriving, cheering and leaving the stadium in an orderly fashion and increasing the overall portfolio holdings of the parent company and the associated subsidiaries. I finally understand that now."

When asked about the financial and league control of the game, Marshall was adamant. "TAM, DP tags, all the finances, they are just great! It's fantastic that our league has malleable rules. We don't need rules! Rules would slow us down. I think it's great. I love targeted allocation money, love it. I don't even know what it is, I'm just a simple fan, but I love it. I LOVE TAM. I LOVE TAM.

ITS GREAT. ITS ALL GREAT. PLEASE. ITS GREAT. TRUST ME. DO NOT CRITICIZE THE LEAGUE."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Marshall becomes an advocate for four more MLS playoff spots in 2017.

Boston Breakers 2016 Season Considered Success After Still Retaining Some Fans

Boston, MA - After a season with  15 losses out of 20 games and a -33 goal differential, the Boston Breakers announced that their 2016 season was considered a wild success as they still retained a few fans.

Holy Crap, Boston.

"You would think that after a season where we were 29 points adrift of first place with one game to go, that we would be hemorrhaging fans, but we aren't...... yet" stated general manager Lee Billiard. "4,027 people actually came out to watch our home game against the Flash despite the fact that we have been abysmal at nearly every level. It wasn't even just season tickets. I mean, people actually paid to come watch this garbage. I'd say that is a massive success for the NWSL."

Reportedly, the Breakers Ticket Representatives are excited for the 2017 season as their season ticket renewal emails contained the following statement,

"Dear Boston Breaker Fan, 

Thank you for your support. There is no possibility that 2017 could be any worse than 2016.

Seriously.

What are we going to do.... lose all the games? 

PLEASE RENEW!

PLEASE, PLEASE RENEW!"

Fans were reportedly excited, as well, as the season drew to a close with a 4-0 drubbing by Western New York Flash.

"Thank God it's finally over," stated Katelyn Jordan of Allston. "This was not fun, it was not good, it was just awful... at least on the field. Finally we get to move on to 2017."

The Nutmeg News spoke to Breakers fan Terry Wilcox about the end of 2016 and they had the following to say.

"ITS DONE. ITS OVER. Maybe by the time that 2017 comes around I'll be able to enjoy watching games again without the perpetual understanding that my team is about the crap the bed. Dear god in heaven, let us never remember any of this."

The Nutmeg News will hopefully NOT have more on this from the Breakers in 2017.

Portland Timbers Fan Confident Of Away Win For The 17th Time This Season

Gresham, OR - Portland Timbers fan Duane Cartwright admitted that he is 100% confident of a Portland Timbers away win for the 17th time this season as the Timbers take on CD Dragon in El Salvador for the CONCACAF Champions League.

"Remember that time the Timbers beat Dragon 2-1 at home? Remember that time Saprissa only tied Dragon away? Remember how Saprissa played the Tim....... on second thought, remember that time the Timbers beat Dragon 2-1 at home?" - Duane Cartwright

"THIS is the turning point! ABSOLUTELY! I can feel it this time," stated an ebullient and very high Cartwright for the 17th time this season to The Nutmeg News. 

"Just because it didn't happen against Houston, or Seattle, or Los Angeles, or Saprissa, or Dallas, or Salt Lake, or Colorado, or San Jose, or Chicago, or New York, or Kansas City, or DC United doesn't mean it can't happen against Dragon. WE CAN ABSOLUTELY WIN THIS GAME LIKE I PREDICTED THAT WE WOULD WIN AGAINST HOUSTON!"

Reportedly, Cartwright has predicted a Timbers win for every single away game this season including the 3-1 loss to Dallas, the 3-1 loss to Seattle, the 3-1 loss to Houston, the 4-1 loss to Orlando, and the 2-1 loss to Vancouver. In each of these games, Cartwright predicted that the Timbers would win, Darlington Nagbe would score and that each game would be a turning point in the Timbers season that would lead back to MLS Cup.

"It's OUR time now," stated Cartwright to the internet. "We can win if we just win this game in El Salvador and then the next two away games and then the home game as well. Then all we need to do is win a play-in playoff game on the road, win two more games on the road and then win MLS Cup on the road. It'll be easy."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Cartwright tries to feel better tonight by watching a DVR saved copy of the Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders debate before passing out in his overstuffed easy chair while watching the Paintball episode of Community.

FIFA Ends Racism

The international money laundering cartel known as FIFA, announced on Sunday that it dismantled its anti-racism taskforce after reportedly finding no sign of racism anywhere in the world of football after just 3 years of running.

FIFA ENDED RACISM!

"We showed those racists what's what, and now there isn't any racism left anymore," stated FIFA talking head Fatma Samba Diouf Samoura. "We looked everywhere for racism. We looked at a grocery store. We looked at a football ground. We even looked under the bed, behind that storage utility item you used to store your shoes until you realized you could just cram all the stuff that you brought with you from your other apartment moves. We couldn't find racism anywhere. So, in the end, we just disbanded the taskforce."

The Nutmeg News spoke to Dave Smith of Lincoln, Nebraska about this monumental, world shaking event and he had the following to say. 

"I knew it! I KNEW IT! I knew there was no more racism left in the world. I knew that all those people complaining about racism are just whiners. All you commie, pinko, leftists people can take note. The most commie sport of all says that there is no racism. So all you pricks out there can stand for the anthem, now. Racism is dead. And while we are at it.... let me tell you my thoughts about Persians and especially Syrian Arabs," (EDITORS NOTE: The Nutmeg News ended the interview here as FIFA mandated.)

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Russian World Cup kicks off.

NWSL Regular Season Comes To A Close As Players Prepare Job Applications For Costco

The National Women's Soccer League regular season comes to a close this weekend as players within the league not on their respective national teams prepared to file job applications for Costco.

"I used to be a backup goalkeeper for the Boston Breakers!"

"I'm really scraping the bottom of any finances and any good will I have left with friends," stated one anonymous player in Seattle. "It's starting to become desperation time, but Costco has a good benefits program, it pays well and it would really hold me over til the season starts over again."

Many players not headed to the playoffs within the NWSL are already planning the long journey home to live with their parents in the effort to attempt to save enough money to hold them over for the entirety of 2017 so that they can essentially play for absolutely criminally low salaries in an effort to build a better future for the women of tomorrow.

"I just love the game too much to stop," stated one anonymous player for Western New York Flash. "It's like a drug addiction at some point. I just have to keep taking that hit every year. So now I have to go home, take stock of what I have about me, file job applications, and hopefully find stable employment so I can save up enough money to actually make it through the season next year. Maybe I'll get lucky and actually get a real paying job in a European league, but that's just a pipe dream right now."

Meanwhile, some players on playoff teams are already finding a way to continue as we received inside information that a group of players for the Washington Spirit are pooling together for a coupon clipping adventure so they can make it to through the post-season without starving.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the NWSL continues to pay players $7,200 for an entire season.

Absolute Liar Claims THIS Is The Year He Buys PES Instead Of FIFA

Rochester, NY - Arthur Flitter, an absolute liar, claimed that THIS is the year he buys Pro Evolution Soccer (PES) instead of the EA Sports FIFA series.

THIS is the year... trust me... THIS IS THE YEAR!

"Trust me, bro. PES is better this year, it just is," stated Flitter for the 10th year in a row. "I'm absolutely 100% buying PES, that's all there is to it."

Flitter's record of lying about his PES purchase dates back to September of 2006 where he boldly proclaimed that FIFA wouldn't last another year and that PES was just the way of the future.

"Trust me, the player modeling, the stadiums, the gameplay... it's all better," stated Flitter as started to pre-order FIFA 2018. "PES is the shit, and you guys are going to finally realize that I'm right."

Flitter admitted that the previous lack of licensing for PES is what made the difference in the games, but still has yet to purchase any actual version of Pro Evolution Soccer despite swearing every year for 10 years that this is the year.

"It's gonna happen, bro! You better get PES cause we are gonna be playing the crap out of it!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Flitter purchases FIFA 2018 and forgets all about this.

Impact Fan Dutifully Stays Still As, "Qui Ne Saute Pas N'est Pas d'Montréal" Requires

MONTREAL - During the recent 3-1 home loss against the New England Revolution, Montreal Impact fan Martin Hinault dutifully stood stock still in his section next to the Ultras Montreal while the, "Qui ne saute pas n'est pas d'Montréal" chant was going on in observance of the fact that he is, in fact, not from Montreal, living in Montreal nor his family from Montreal in origin.

"One day I will jump with them," - Martin Hinault

"I was born in Lachute," stated Hinault to The Nutmeg News on Friday. "As the song requires, I stay completely still and do not move in a vertical motion. It is very serious, for me."

Hinault admits that he originally did, in fact, jump during the chant. However he realized that his location of birth combined with the fact that he now works and commutes in for Impact games from Longueuil is a problem. 

"After careful contemplation about the serious nature of this situation, I do now abstain, despite my love of the Impact and Montreal in general," stated an emotional Hinault. "If at some point I do find myself a resident than I will reconsider my prohibition on vertical movement during 'Qui ne saute pas n'est pas d'Montréal'. That is, of course, after I verify with my friends and family that it is fine that I do in fact jump as I would then technically be from Montreal, despite the location of my birth.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Hinault wistfully glances over at his jumping friends while a single tear runs down his cheek.

Long Wait To Abandon Desperate Team Finally Ends As Fan Switches Allegiance

Minneapolis, MN - The long wait by former Aston Villa fan Dominic Harbottle to abandon the struggling Championship side finally ended, on Friday, as Harbottle's office buddy and fervent Villa fan, Hank Stephens, was fired for viewing inappropriate websites at work.

"He spent all weekend writing angry emails to people about the future of Villa and attached my name to them, out of common courtesy"

"I only picked Villa, a few years ago, because I wanted a team different than what everyone else supports in the Premier League," stated Harbottle to The Nutmeg News. "I didn't really think this was going to turn into a thing, and I'll be perfectly honest.... I really thought that there was absolutely no possibility that there might be another Aston Villa fan at my work."

According to himself, Harbottle picked a team, in Aston Villa, that allowed him to have a vested watching interest in the premier league while allowing him to learn about the league, the players in it and what kind of fan he wanted to be. However, his life changed when he was introduced to Stephens.

"He was very passionate about Villa. Very, very passionate. Suddenly, I couldn't get out of watching the games. He wouldn't let me. We had to have a recap every Monday. I just wanted a casual acquaintance with the team, but Hank just kept pushing me. Suddenly I had an opinion on Enda Stevens. Who actually wants an opinion on Enda Stevens? When Villa were battling relegation, I started doing research on the next team that I would follow, but Hank said that I had to follow them all the way down the pyramid. This is ridiculous."

Reportedly, Harbottle decided that when Villa was relegated, he would switch to being a Manchester City fan, but he had to wait til Stephens left his work in order to pull it off.

"When he was fired, it was like a ray of light on my otherwise horrible work week. I could finally morph into a Manchester City fan and enjoy the erudite press conferences of Pep Guardiola. Enough trying to find a stream for Villa against Luton Town. I'm able to watch City in High Def in the Champions League."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Harbottle subtly starts removing his Aston Villa collectibles and starts adding more City paraphernalia to his work cubicle.

New York Cosmos To Leave Faltering NASL And Create Cosmos And Friends League

NEW YORK - The New York Cosmos, today, announced the formation of a new league after the news arrived yesterday that the North American Soccer League (NASL) is likely careening towards the second death spiral of the acronym's existence.

NOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSSTAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLGIAAAAAAAAAAA

The Cosmos And Friends League (CAFL) will play throughout the United States on a barnstorming tour of Minor League Baseball fields and high school football fields, not unlike the current NASL.

The Cosmos have stated that they are interested in reviving all the dormant old NASL teams in a vintage style homage to the 1970s.

Cosmos' chairman Seamus O'Brien spoke with The Nutmeg News regarding the CAFL plans

"We felt it was in our best interest to control everything this time around, so we are going to own all the teams in our league and call them franchises. We are restoring the Washington Diplomats, the Atlanta Apollos, the Baltimore Comets, the Denver Dynamos, the Connecticut Bicentennials, the Hartford Bicentennials, the Las Vegas Quicksilvers, the New England Tea Men, the Philadelphia Atoms and the Montreal Manic. All of these will be run under the Cosmos control as the Washington Generals to our Harlem Globetrotters. It's gonna be great."

O'Brien stated that in order to control costs, the CAFL will institute a strict salary cap and will have rules regarding the acquisition of high priced international players.

"We call it the Superstar Player rule, or the SP. We find that it is very important to control how many superstar players that each team will have, so we will be controlling the number and the impact it has upon the roster. However, we will figure that out as we go. As far as additional league rules go, teams will be required to have at least one mustache per starting 11 and all teams will play in 70's style short shorts with over-sized blouse kits. We will also only be playing with vintage Joma balls. It's gonna be great."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Cosmos finalize their CAFL plans.

Internal Debate Over Player Kit Purchase Forces Fan To Have Existential Crisis

Orlando, FL - Orlando City Fan Deborah Ammerman admitted that she fell afoul of an existential crisis over the player policies and salary cap of Major League Soccer while having an internal debate over which personalized player kit she should purchase.

This is a quality purchase.

"I already have a Kaka kit, but I wanted something different. As I looked over my options online, I came to the realization that many of these players would quickly be traded to some other team, likely during the offseason, and I started to have questions about a league that forces my team to lose players simply because of the structure of the wage cap. Not to mention the self inflicted stupidity of TAM/DP/Allocation money that the league enforces on the franchises to attempt to force parity."

Ammerman reportedly was interested in a number of different personalized home and away kits but realized that with the new head coach, a questionable season winding down, and Major League Soccer's salary cap rules that likely she would be purchasing a kit for a player on a different team in just a few months time.

"I definitely can't purchase a personalized player kit from ANYONE on our defense. Not even Bendik is assured of staying. This whole thing make me wonder if there is any reason at all to buy any personalized merchandise," stated Ammerman to The Nutmeg News. "Look, hell is buying a Seb Hines or a Luke Boden kit, or even a Tommy Redding kit and then seeing them on another team like NYCFC. I'm not even certain if I want a Luke Boden kit. Does anyone want a Luke Boden kit? It's just the general idea of it all. This league is just crazy. Maybe I'm the problem.. Do I even exist? Am I actually just perpetuating everything by my own existence? WHAT IS LIFE?! DOES IT INVOLVE BREK SHEA?!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ammerman just decides on a blank Orlando City kit that she can sew a name and number onto, if she feels so inclined.

Man Logs In To MLS Fantasy Soccer Website For Second Time This Season

Athens, GA - After spending 15 minutes resetting his password, Jeff Carlisle, a soccer fan and burgeoning Atlanta United Ultra, admitted that with roughly one month left in the season he decided to log into his fantasy MLS website for the second time all season to see how his team is doing.

The next step is acceptance.

"Looks to be OK," stated Carlisle as he logged back out for the rest of the year. "I made a few trades, updated my lineup and did all the possible features I could do before becoming completely bored and just giving up on it again for the rest of the season."

Reportedly, Carlisle only expressed interest in seeing what his fantasy team was doing when he realized that the season was over and remembered he had one in the first place.

"Yep. Well. Um. Ok," stated Carlisle as he closed out the website for the rest of the year.  

The Nutmeg News will have more on this development as Carlisle tries to talk himself into playing, but... you know... actually trying to do well next year.

Rec League Roundup: Skill Player Convinced He Will Play Himself Into Shape By Week 9 Of 10 Week Season

Creative midfielder Harvey Geddon told friends and teammates that he was convinced that he will be able to play himself into shape by week 9 of the 10 week rec-league season as he stated, "I'm already feeling better, and by the end of the season, I'll be ready to go."

I know you guys were depending on me and I won't let you down! I'm going to be in tip top shape at some point in the next few months!

Reportedly, Geddon told friends that he feels like he is gaining fitness and is now able to really run full out for about 5 good minutes before substituting himself out for anyone who isn't breathing like a distressed sloth with sleep apnea.

"I'm really rounding into form, and by the time that we get to the end of the season I'll be able to play most of the game," stated Geddon to soccer captain Ismael Vardez. 

Reportedly, Geddon spent the entire offseason thinking about his return to the field, but not doing a damn thing for his fitness as he knew that the weekly games would do enough for his overall condition to allow him a return to form by the last game of the season.

"I can already feel that my touch is coming back and I think the team is really going to benefit when I don't have to walk so much. When that happens, LOOK OUT!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Geddon informs Vardez that he is unable to attend the last game of the season as he bought concert tickets to Bruce Hornsby.

Next Guardiola Flexes Tactical Genius On Sidelines Of U-10 Game

Gainesville, FL - Roger Barton, the next Pep Guardiola of Gainesville youth soccer, took time out of his busy schedule day-trading and posting highly potent Hillary Clinton memes to Reddit to flex his tactical genius on the sidelines of his son's U-10 game at the Gainesville Soccer Alliance fall clinic.

"How old are you? 13? GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME, OR DO YOU NEED ME TO EDUCATE YOU ON THE OFFSIDE TRAP?"

"Hey Coach.... HEY COACH! Why aren't these kids in a new proto-WM with diamond formations interlinking the midfield," screamed Barton at the coach running his sons clinic. "Let me draw this out for you so that you can understand some basic formations and playing styles."

According to Barton, he admitted that he learned all of his recent theories by embracing heat maps and passing charts on Twitter after reading the first 100 pages of Inverting the Pyramid.

"I'm just taking what they were talking about in Belgium coffee shops and applying it to the complete bullshit I see on my kid's youth team," stated Barton to the groups of awe struck parents that huddled together on the sidelines. "I know the coach is wanting to play a 2-2-1, but that's bullshit because our striker isn't good enough at hold up play to be able to run a narrow formation where we kick and chase. What is this, 1984 in England? Plus, our fullbacks just hoof it up out of bounds over the other 6 kids without working it up the sides. We need more passing, we need more possession. God in heaven help me, but this coach is ass."

After being asked why he doesn't just coach his own sons soccer team, Mr Barton stated, "I don't have time for that shit," before he was pulled away from the game to answer a reply to his Tinder profile.

"We should be playing a 3-1-1 with our CB and LB winging when playing against the 'Jacksonville Power Rangers' because their right side has a kid with ADHD and we can blast past him, especially when he doesn't want to take his medication. Their left side also has a boy whose parents are getting divorced, so I don't see why we can't use that to our advantage!

'1-2-3-4, Your mom left your dad cause he paid for a whore!' 

LETS BE SMART ABOUT THIS, JEFFREY!!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Barton convinces the youth alliance to let him be the technical director of the entire youth soccer association due to his 2 year experience watching the Champions League.

Donovan Doppelganger DUPLICITY! TNN Investigates

Sources have informed our crack investigation squad that the current Major League Soccer player identified as Landon Donovan is actually a body double, currently learning the game of soccer to complete a comeback for the sake of Major League Soccer.

"YOU FOOLS"

The Nutmeg News has been informed that Donovan actually passed away prior to the 2014 FIFA World Cup in Brazil, which is the real reason why he wasn't selected for the tournament. The feud between him and Klinsmann as well as statements by Donovan after the world cup were fabrications by US Soccer.

As well, TNN found out that the Donovan that appeared on television as a presenter was the Donovan Doppelganger practicing his mannerisms for the upcoming "comeback tour", which explains his wooden analysis. As the new "Donovan" will not release his medical records, it has become clear that what people are actually watching in the league is, in fact, not Landon Donovan but a body double named Ray Gribble from Sarasota, Florida.

"If you look behind the ears, you can see the seams," stated one MLS player who wished to be anonymous.

The Nutmeg News tracked down Mr Gribble's family and they had the following to say, "We always thought Ray looked a-like that Soccer guy, but we haven't seen him in years," stated Catherline O'Hanahan-Gribble-Daughtry-Jones-Shambala, Ray's mother.

The Nutmeg News can categorically confirm that the NEW Donovan is being instructed in the art of tactical soccer by Jurgen Klinsmann and Piotr Nowak in order to complete his faux-comeback in order to sell jerseys, television advertising and quash the relegation advocacy of one Davis Winthorp Winslow of Los Angeles.

Our investigation department will have more on these shenanigans as we uncover them.