NEW YORK - Following up on comments she made earlier about not wanting immigrants to take United States jobs in soccer, a rapacious Abby Wambach announced that she would be taking a special Sports Immigrant Interrogation position with the United States Government Immigrant Customs Enforcement (ICE).
"I just wanted to talk to all immigrants to the greatest country in the world to ensure that they really love this country before we let them come in here and get jobs, healthcare and an overwhelming sense of freedom," stated Wambach to The Nutmeg News on Tuesday. "With my new position with ICE, I finally can call the shots on who is legally allowed to play for the United States (anybody with a surname of Wambach) or not (anybody with a surname of Diskerud). It's very simple."
Reportedly, ICE were all too ready to give Wambach a blank check to conduct personal interviews with every single immigrant that has entered the shores of the United States stating, "Go get em and deport them back to hell," before telling Wambach that she has the right, now, to revoke passports and green card status of any player she felt didn't love the United States enough.
"Do they have that killer instinct? I don't know. But I'm going to find out, and when I find out, they may have to do some horrible things in their own home country to prove that they will kill for the United States. I want sabotage against national teams and people swearing loyalty oaths to the United States before they go out on the field of battle," ranted Wambach. "This goes for all sports. We must bow before the flag and shed the blood of the infidels. You must understand that you will love this country or you will leave it. Those are the only two options. And they will bow before me, if they know what is good. Look if this is an ignorant opinion and I deport a few hundred people, It's no big deal. I'll just raise my hand in the end and say, 'my bad.' But we are definitely going to have that conversation and you better be able to prove that you love the United States."
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Wambach starts with Yaseil Puig, Grant Balfour and anyone that fits the profile.