Major League Soccer Suspends Major League Soccer for Banning Disciplinary Committee That Banned Ben Olsen

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer announced a suspension of itself for banning members of the Disciplinary committee that banned D.C. United manager Ben Olsen for entering the field of play.

THAT'S A BANNING!

Insiders at the league front office stated that Major League Soccer was upset at how it handled the handling of the disciplinary committee handling the banning of Olsen and that it would institute a review of the process that lead to the formation of the process that lead to the banning in the first place.

"We cannot support ourselves supporting the committee that supports unilateral action against our head coaches and players," stated director of the review of the review of Major League Soccer's review board, David Stern. "We must be able to critically look at ourselves, looking critically at the board that looks critically at others."

Reportedly, Major League Soccer has given itself and the disciplinary committee red cards while also un-suspending Olsen and then giving him another red card for the suspension non-suspension in the first place.

"We must take a stand against taking a stand against others taking a stand against our head coaches," stated Mr Stern. "This stand, must stand against all other stands. We voluntarily ban ourselves."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the suspension for the ban suspending the suspension of Olsen will be suspended.

"Major League Soccer to Be Top Terrorist Target By 2022," Insists Don Garber

NEW YORK - Commissioner Don Garber announced, on Wednesday, that he expected Major League Soccer to be a top terrorist target by 2022 stating, "our expansion, our life, our way of soccer will attract those that want to commit heinous acts. Look, no one is going to bomb a hand-ball game."

"Now THIS makes me feel like we are one of the biggest leagues in the world!"

According to inside sources, Major League Soccer feels that their closed salary system, burgeoning fan base, and rapid expansion throughout most of North America will attract those that wish to snuff out the nascent league as a message to an government or society.

“Most people don’t think of our country as a soccer nation,” Garber said. “Our goal was to make America a soccer nation, to get people to grow up and want to be fans of their local MLS team, support their national team, and here we are averaging almost 22,000 fans a game.

“We’ve had tons of sell-outs and 15 soccer stadiums are being built. We are a league on the rise and that speaks of how great our country is and how supportive it is of the sport. What this means is that we are a larger profile league now and one that will attract credible terrorist threats against it. If our expansion plans go right, we will be looking at major security issues in six years by fundamentalists of some kind. We hope to surpass Major League Baseball in terms of credible terrorist threats against stadiums."

Reportedly, Major League Soccer realized that it was better to get out in front of any possible security issues by cracking down as early and as often as it cans. Internal sources say that Major League Soccer feels under siege from its own fan-base and has the understanding that even the collected fans could also be responsible for unspeakable acts of violence.

The Nutmeg News will have more on security theater as it is implemented without regard for anything.

Major League Soccer Announces Mandatory Prostate Exam For All Adult Male Fans

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer, today, announced a new program intent upon spearheading the health and safety of all its male fans by requiring a mandatory prostate exam before entering the stadium for any upcoming Major League Soccer game.

"FOR YOUR HEALTH!"

"We with Major League Soccer are concerned both about the health and well-being of our male fans as well as the issues that have come from our collected fan-bases sneaking contraband into the stadium up their butts. In an effort to stop both of these, we will be requiring all adult male fans to voluntarily submit themselves for a digital prostate exam so that we can ensure that they are healthy, non-enlarged, non-cancerous and not smuggling in terrorists, C-4, Sharia Law or whiskey," stated president of Major League Soccer Mark Abbot.

While the new security procedure may seem like overkill, Commissioner of Major League Soccer Don Garber stated that nothing could be further from the truth.

"In reality, this is a simple procedure," stated Garber to a collection of journalists gathered at the International House Of Pancakes. "We will have our adult male fans escorted a few feet to a moderately well lit area with some kind of simple, mobile privacy curtain in place. There, they will be required to lower their pants, grab a table and prepare to be digitally probed, rectally, by a moderately trained college drop out that couldn't get employed by TSA. We will have a number of different people to check every one of our male fans and we will provide both male and female agents as an option. We do not expect this new security and health procedure that we have implemented to protect our fans to severely impact our stadium line. However, this procedure will be mandatory and you will not be allowed into the stadium if you refuse."

The Nutmeg News can confirm that fans will be able to buy Major League Soccer branded lubrication for future trips to see a game, however the bottle of MLS Lubrication cannot be brought into the stadium either so it will only be able to be used one time.

Man Takes Time Out Of Busy Schedule To Harass Female Commentator

Glendale, CA - "YOU ARE SUCH A DUMB BITCH, and you should know it," tweeted Geoff Richards towards Fox soccer commentator Julie Lapinski, who was busy hosting a pre-game show for the UEFA Champions League.

"I'm finishing every tweet with a, 'Wanna bang? Look me up' on the half chance she will say yes."

Reportedly, the verbal abuse first started online by Mr. Richards during 2010 while embroiled in the divorce proceedings to his then-wife Heather as he, "felt his masculinity slipping away from him" by (as quoted verbatim to our reporter), "feminists taking away my male vitality by writing pro-sex articles in Cosmopolitan."

"I have things to do!" stated Mr Richards to The Nutmeg News on Tuesday morning. "I've got to ensure that the wood I'm using to replace the deck in the backyard shows up on time, I've got three separate work related events that I have to attend in the evening, I want to re-watch the Champions League game between Barcelona and Atletico Madrid, I need to ensure that my quarterly finances are in order so that I can continue saving for that boat; but most importantly I need to verbally harass and abuse Julie Lapinski by making certain that she cries every single morning about how awful a woman is in her industry. I must reassert my masculinity by bullying women to show that I am powerful."

While it is unclear how Mr. Richards thinks that tweeting horrific abuse at a commentator will do anything to help with his own diminishing ego, lowering testosterone, thinning hair and tenuous belief in his fragile masculinity, he forges ahead without being deterred in his unfettered abuse.

 "How you got a job, no one will ever know. You don't know Lionel Messi from Gabriel Batistuta. You are a dumb woman that no one wants to listen to and is ridiculous and just shows how stupid you are, even if you are a total slut," Mr. Richards angrily commented to Ms. Lapinski's profile page on Facebook as he received an email about a human resources meeting that was set to speak with him about him asking the new receptionist to give him a back massage and calling her sexy during a conference call.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Richards sets up a specific schedule to ensure that he carves out time in his week while at lunch to verbally harass and abuse Ms. Lapinski to avoid, "the human resources pussies watching my every move."

US Soccer Guarantees World Cup Starting Spot For Any Child Whose Parent Donates $5,000,000

CHICAGO - US Soccer announced that they would guarantee a FIFA World Cup starting 11 spot for the child of any parent willing to donate 5 million dollars in unmarked, small bills.

Honestly, Leonard.... this photoshop...... are you even trying anymore?

"We have decided to take pay-to-play to the ultimate format by guaranteeing a starting position on our 2022 world cup squad to any child who has parents with enough money to just randomly sink it into our federation," stated president of the US Soccer Federation, Sunil Gulati.

"This is really just an extension of our TOTALLY not-pay-for-play donation system where we require a mandatory donation of $5,000 for your child to attend one of our free clinics. What we realized was that we could also guarantee a starting 11 spot if you donate enough money to the federation. The first child in the world cup is 5 million, the second child will be 10 million. In no short amount of time we are going to be FLUSH with cash. And then, it will be our responsibility to trickle down the financial wealth by stashing all of this cash in an unmarked account in the Philippines."

Reportedly, the US Soccer Federation had this brilliant idea when they realized that soccer parents are utterly desperate for their child to have any kind of advantage to succeed so that they can live out their failed dreams through their moderately interested 12 year old.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when it comes out that US Soccer requires $5,250,000 to put a young woman on a world cup squad because, "women cost more money."

Woman Already, "Exhausted With This Shit" After Six Months In Supporters Group

NEW YORK - Red Bull New York fan Kim Albor admitted that she is, "exhausted with this shit" after six months in a soccer supporters group.

DON'T DO IT, KIM....

DON'T.... DO.... IT!

"The complaining, the arguing, the relentless mood swings between games... I just don't know if I can keep this up," stated Ms. Albor to The Nutmeg News on Monday. "I've noticed that I'm now reacting in line with all the rest of the people I know from the games and talking about Ali Curtis and 300 page plans and 2015 even though I just started following the team. I'm finding out that I shouldn't follow SOME people on twitter even though I really don't know why, and that I should follow others for some also unexplained reason and that I need to have an opinion about everything. My god, I thought I was just here to support a soccer team!"

Reportedly, Ms. Albor joined with the best intentions of being around a group of like minded rabble rousers that seem to enjoy the game, but she now questions whether or not she can manage an entire season after just seven games.

"Look, I'm was ecstatic when we won, I'm hating nearly every player, the ownership, and Marsch when we lose. And we are losing a lot, so far. This is just six games of losses. I'm afraid of what's going to happen if this continues. Am I going to be crowd funding a plane flying a banner calling for the organization to leave or painting protest tifo in six months?  I don't even know what happened to me. I went from causal fan to creating an account on Metro Fanatic. If that doesn't show the depths to which I'm sinking, I don't know what does. I now have an opinion on the management and involvement of Red Bull, which I have already gotten into an argument with a long time fan about; and I went from talking about casual Ethopian food in Brooklyn on my twitter account to re-tweeting statistical analysis of Dax McCarty's prowess in the midfield. Shit... has gotten very real."

Reportedly, Ms. Albor's free time has been co-opted by attending games and her friend Lucy Stanford has stated that, "She just doesn't want to hang out anymore. She keeps inviting me out to Red Bull Arena. I'm concerned that if this happens, I'm going to end up just like her."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Stanford attends an upcoming Red Bull win with Ms. Albor and becomes completely obsessed 12 hours later.

Man Still Convinced He Is Going To Make Money Via Soccer Podcasting And Blogging

Newark, NJ - Podcaster, blogger and all around soccer super fan Rich Breston has admitted that he somehow still retains hope that he is going to make money via soccer podcasting and blogging.

I just need more time, really some more time. In between my job, my attending a soccer game on the weekend, watching 5 MLS games and 5 USL games and 5 NASL games and trying to find the time to write a preview on the NWSL season, covering the USMNT and staying up to date with the USWNT and trying to find out what is going on in the NPSL. I GOT THIS. I GOT... THIS.

"It could still happen," stated Mr Breston to his friends on Monday afternoon. "I mean, despite there being absolutely no money in soccer blogging and podcasting with newspapers and magazines slowly being shuttered around the world that won't pay for my content anyway, and there actually not being a big enough audience for my podcasts to generate any kind of livable revenue, I still believe that somehow I'm going to actually make a living off this stuff."

Reportedly, Mr. Breston was continuously able to keep up the belief that he was actually going to make a career from the countless hours that he put into the soccer community while simultaneously sinking all of his own funds into the enterprise to keep everything afloat.

"I've achieved nearly everything I wanted from my career. I have over 5,000 followers on twitter. I've been published internationally in the Guardian, the Telegraph and FourFourTwo. I've talked with players, owners, league commissioners, and international superstars that people in England can't even get for one-on-one interviews. My blog has gotten over a million hits in its lifetime and people recognize me when I go to certain stadiums. The only thing that hasn't happened is actually making a livable wage. I mean, despite dedicating the last 15 years of my life to this grind, I actually am still doing all of this as my second job while I process new hires as a human resources assistant. I still believe, though. I mean, somehow... some way... Maybe..... I'm going to figure out... ah... never mind, I'm shutting everything down."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as people on twitter miss Mr Breston's podcast and blog, but not enough to actually to pay him to keep the podcast alive.

Cincinnati Added To Random Namedrop List For MLS Expansion

NEW YORK - Don Garber reportedly added the city name Cincinnati to his list of random name-drops for MLS expansion after FC Cincinnati had over 20,000 fans at their recent game.

The Enquirer/Cara Owsley

I bet THESE people have some money.... to spend... on alcohol rehabilitation courses.... after they get banned for letting off smoke"

"I started working them into the list somewhere around Austin," stated Garber to the Major League Soccer board of directors on Monday morning. "We need to add to the long list of expansion if we are going to get to 55 teams by 2030."

Reportedly, adding Cincinnati to the list will raise the hopes of the franchise that just started playing this season leading the ownership group to attempt to find more money for the MLS expansion fee, while giving false hope to the fans there that they might have a chance when most of the expansion spots will be going to larger cities without an actual fanbase due to their ownership groups having more money and their city being considered cosmopolitan.

"It's good to have other cities names out there other than Sacramento. I think they are getting tired of being jerked around for these last few years," stated Garber. "Hopefully this Cincinnati thing will start a new trend. Perhaps we can get a pro-soccer in St Louis, or Des Moines, or Butte, or Indianapolis.... somewhere that there isn't a team already."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Cincinnati is rumored for MLS expansion by a very bored journalist.

NVA Announces Opposition To Vuvuzela Registration Act

NEW YORK - The National Vuvuzela Association announced today that it would be opposing the Vuvuzela Registration Act in a multi-paragraph rant posted to the Daily Blower online magazine.

"This heinous infringement on our national rights will not prevent those who seek to conceal vuvuzelas and use them in stadiums."

The NVA stated in their opinion piece that, "Facts tell us that criminalizing private transfers of Vuvuzelas among family members and friends under a universal background check and registration system would do nothing to prevent 'Vuvuzela Sounds' at soccer games across North America. And importantly, would not have prevented the profound tragedy of South Africa that Vuvuzela banners use to promote such a system."

Supporters of the Vuvuzela Registration Act state that having a national registry and prohibitions about the use and ownership of said items would prevent future stadium tragedies where someone brings a Vuvuzela and annoys the living shit out of the entire crowd.

The Nutmeg News spoke with NVA spokesman Wayne La Pear about this bill and he had the following to say, "Perpetrators of those acts either successfully passed background checks to get the Vuvuzelas or they stole the Vuvuzelas, or they were given them by the team front office in some horrible promotion gone wrong. Whether the initial proposal includes a government registry of Vuvuzela transfers or Vuvuzlea owners, that's the end game."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the debate rages on.

Colorado Rapids Credit The Nutmeg News For Early Season Form

Commerce City, CO - The Colorado Rapids today credited The Nutmeg News for their early season form stating, "It was their pre-season criticism that propelled us to where we are right now."

WE are spinning and you are spinning and your car is spinning and like everything is all about magnets and fields and have you ever seen what they put in GMO corn? I mean, my god! That'll make you spin and what do your hands...... do?

The Nutmeg News spoke to The Nutmeg News about this situation and we had the following to say, "We knew that writing so many articles about how bad the Rapids are would propel them to better heights of performance. We take heart that they were able to admit that our poignant articles about their untimely demise gave them the vigor to fight, this season."

While The Nutmeg News stated that they can't take all the credit, they did say that more credit belongs to The Nutmeg News than the players, a statement that the Rapids agreed with as TNN reporters spoke with Pablo Mastroeni about the early season.

"You know, we are spinning so fast on the earth it's a wonder that we don't fly off and the earth has like a gravitational field but no one knows what gravity really is and there are things you can't see like ghosts who turn the earth in work with the hollow earth people, the Illuminati, and a secret conspiracy between Jeffrey Tambor and Stephen Root to bring down the world elites. It's all varying. As Geoff Cameron states, Why does no one talk about Benghazi and what everyone is like saying and doing all the time if I'm not around? Do they exist? Anyway, we were spinning and you are spinning and then it's like WHOA! The Nutmeg News and I knew we were going to have a great season. I mean, we are still spinning, but like... man.... um....," and Mr Mastroeni trailed off and continued staring into space.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Colorado Rapids utilize our publication for scouting tips on their next game.

Anarchist Plans Upheaval Of Class Systems By Pooping On Supporters Bus

Tampa, FL - Tampa Bay Rowdies fan and budding anarchist Robert Graves has admitted that he is planning an elaborate upheaval of the class system in the United States by pooping on the next available chartered bus for away supporters as it leaves.

"One of you will betray us...One of you will poop on the bus.... IS IT YOU, STEVE?"

"We must subvert the norms and destabilize the current class paradigm perpetuated by the moneyed elite and those that wish to subject the working class to their rules," exclaimed Mr Graves to his friend Nathan West.

"The way in which we show the bourgeois, capitalist elite our will and reinforce the struggle against the elite 1% in this country is by breaking all rules. The way in which we do this is locally and not just some grand scale plan that can't be implemented on a regional level. Thus, I plan on pooping on the chartered supporters bus at it leaves the parking lot subjecting all of us to the rank smell which will render the 50 of us all at the same basic class level of abject misery and olfactory torture. Anarchism and class struggle through football! POOP THE BUS!"

While Mr. Graves plans on enjoying the free and loose class structure that his stink filled bus adventure may bring, others are reportedly not looking forward to it as his girlfriend Amanda states, "He has been eating nothing but cheese, curry and chili with extra beans. This is going to be awful. I might actually stay home if he pulls this off. I support the struggle, but I have my limits."

The Nutmeg News will have more on Mr. Graves struggle to destabilize the ruling order of the global elite by pooping the bus.

Philadelphia Woman Prepares For End Of Days As Union Top Eastern Conference

Philadelphia, PA - Union fan Sandra Rast began preparing for the end of days, as the signs have foretold, with the Union topping the Eastern Conference alongside Montreal six games into the season.

THE PROPHECY IS TRUE!

"THE SIGNS HAVE BEEN FORETOLD," ranted Ms Rast. "First the evil one would ascend in the form of a Nowak with his disciple Sakiewicz bringing brimstone and hellfire upon us. We fought the demon and the number was 6 which brought Roland Alberg to us in the year of Curtain 2016. Therefore, Sheanon Williams ascended from our Astral Plane to sacrifice himself for our greater good. This moment of grace brought us Tranquillo and we gathered not to mourn like seasons past, but to prepare for the apocalypse for LO THE NIGHT... The Union must now top the east and the beast shall be unleashed."

Ms. Rast made this statement to our reporter while stocking her pantry with essentials and canned goods which included an unopened box of Twinkies, 25 cans of Dinty Moore Beans and Wieners, a copy of Guns & Ammo, and a Sebastian LeToux jersey.

"The standings have foretold that the great destruction is imminent.  The prophecy is true! We must gather our crops, and our Chef Boyardee and remove ourselves to enjoy these moments in the peace and love that our family brings. Hail Sapong and the watchful eye cast over Sugarman, may we know love in their grace as we prepare for the end."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Rast gathers her neighbors to watch the Union's upcoming game against Seattle on the 16th in her retrofitted Armageddon basement and place for her brother to practice with his metal band DOOMsayer.

"I'm On Level With Mourinho," States 32 Year Old Accountant On Twitter

Indianapolis, IN - "I'm on level with Mourinho," stated Thomas Harwood, a 32 year old self admitted brilliant and innovative soccer tactician. "At least on level with tactics, but I'm better at motivating people." 

Mr. Harwood admits that he remains stuck in his 7 to 5 accounting job despite his ability to correctly analyze soccer trends, positioning, tactics, and how to motivate million dollar players. However, Mr. Harwood exclaimed to our reporter, "The world must know my opinions and they must know them now!"

"I'm better than Pep, as well. I haven't relied on all the talent being in position. Also, most relevant, I'm better than you at understanding defensive shifts, tactics and soccer in a general sense.

"I know where the players need to be and I know how to motivate them to win," stated Mr. Harwood on his twitter account @ThomHarwoodCoachAccountant. "The problem with Major League Soccer and most teams in North America is that they haven't hired me as a coach, yet. Of course, I've spent the last 10 months trashing the league on my twitter account and talking about how tactically deficient and not soccer-savvy the players are, but they are that way primarily because I'm not a coach. Instead, I'm just sitting here entering numbers into spreadsheets, and utilizing eAudit and Caseware for a mid-level firm."

While Mr. Harwood does appear on soccer podcasts from time to time and writes an intermittent blog, he has never actually attempted to coach at any level except for 1 month at recreational soccer with his friends where half the team quit because he tried to make them tie a rope between the defenders in order to practice defensive order.

"I am the innovator. My words are gospel. When I speak about how players should move, play, think, these are all 100% true," exclaimed Harwood despite never holding any kind of coaching license, never having implemented any of my ideas in a game, and refusing to attend any games because the standard isn't high enough in this country to understand his ideas.

Mr. Harwood reported that he has decided to just take his frustrations out on his twitter account by sparring with nearly anyone who will say anything that disagrees with his tactical and world view until they realize that they are arguing with a dense brick wall and give up.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Harwood lashes out at the self-described, "monopoly and conspiracy of Major League Soccer that denies his genius the right to coach games."

Frank Lampard Given Time Off To Find Himself And Hike Appalachian Trail

NEW YORK - NYCFC announced today that midfielder Frank Lampard has been given an indefinite amount of time off in order for the English player to find himself while hiking the length of the Appalachian Trail.

"It's something I've dreamed about since I was a little lad in Romford," stated Lampard to The Nutmeg News on Wednesday. "I've saved up my money so that I can freely just walk the earth and take a tour of the United States by foot. It's going to be amazing and truly a once in a lifetime accomplishment."

Reportedly, Lampard (or Caveman Rust as his trailname has been given) is planning on taking DMT the entire length of the trail in order to come to a higher experience with nature.

"This melding of man, trail and drugs will truly allow me to find my way in the world, as a human, a carbon atom and as a man," stated Lampard to his guru, Randy Delhomme. "I'm hoping to actually find why I play, and why all humans play these games. At the point that I'm ready and can see the cosmos for what it is, or at least when NYCFC stop paying me, then I'll return to play soccer again."

The Nutmeg News will have more on Caveman Rust when he retrieves his Burberry sunglasses from his supply cache drop.

Audi Player Index Indicates Fabián Espíndola Hit Numberwang

The Audi Player Index, a collection of statistical information that illuminates nothing but the methodology that statisticians can utilize to keep themselves employed, showed that Fabián Espíndola hit Numberwang during week 6 of Major League Soccer

THAT'S NUMBERWANG!

"Fabian hit a goal from outside the box, calculated a logarithmic function, ran 40 yards and ate a nutritional bar, that means he achieved Numberwang which allows a random DC United fan from Arlington, Virginia to achieve complete victory over his neighbor and have one night of sexual congress with his neighbor's wife or husband," stated Major League Soccer manager of statistics, pie charts and other bullshit, Harold Valens. "What we have achieved with Numberwang and Fabián shows that he is statistically better than Lionel Messi. World look out!"

While the collection of random statistical items that is aggregated for some kind of meaningful yet meaningless item on the screen seems like complete garbage, others say not so.

"THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT," stated Bradley Raderson. "Unless you know that Fabián scored 2000, by some method that we really aren't going to release at an in-depth level, and obtained Numberwang, and had a Q score of 45%over 6X90 then you won't know how he played. My GOD, people, take a look at this tableau and let me know when you get with the program!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on the Audi Player Index as it is used to illuminate something else as we ROTATE THE BOARD!

Sacramento Republic Randomly Ban Fans To Show They Are Ready For MLS

Sacramento, CA - The Sacramento Republic announced Wednesday that they would randomly be banning fans for previous out of stadium and in-stadium infractions in order to prove that they are #ReadyForMLS.

"However, the guy outside in the parking lot, is not."

"We want to show to Mr Whitworth and Major League Soccer that we are ready to enforce abject rules against our fans and that we don't really value their contribution to our existence in any major way," stated director of Human Affairs for Republic, Jennifer Warren. "It is important to Major League Soccer to show that we can treat our fans with an iron fist, and the first step towards Major League Soccer is obsequious boot licking of Ray Whitworth, so we will be announcing the banning of roughly 10 to 20 fans for different infractions."

Reportedly, the infractions consist of not valuing the brand high enough in their personal life, sharing supportive messages of the District Ultras, bringing in a diaper bag, complaining about security, not removing their hat for the introduction of the players music, lighting smoke at any time in their life including home fireworks, and watching any video including Liam Gallagher.

"We take this franchise opportunity seriously," stated Ms Warren. "It's important to show that we are all in this together as we move to a new league that will slowly figure out a way to turn our more passionate elements against our front office and the league."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this in year 3 of the Sacramento Republic in Major League Soccer experience.

Manchester City Victory Gives Bragging Rights To Lonely Man In Tucson

Tucson, AZ - Manchester City's victory and advancement in the UEFA Champions League gave bragging rights to a lonely fan in Tucson as David Smith celebrated City's win by fist pumping in his cubicle before returning to his un-ending life of drudgery.

"My club may be 4000 miles away, but we are so dominant."

"I've got no-one to rub this monumental victory into but I'm planning on talking trash on Facebook when I get home as my work doesn't allow social media through their webfilter," stated a quiet Mr Smith as he didn't want to speak too loud to avoid breaking the social decorum of utter tomb like silence that has enveloped 9 hours of his life every day except for Saturday and Sunday.

"This is my LIFE. I mean, I've never been to Manchester, nor have I ever left Arizona and City probably couldn't give two fucks about me, but honestly this is.... UM, YES CHARLENE... I'LL GET THOSE REPORTS TO YOU MOMENTARILY... look I gotta go," stated Mr Smith to our reporters.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Smith's pride swells with unmitigated expansion as he unlocks his Toyota Tercel for his 45 minute commute home in traffic.

Fans Of Opposing Teams Somehow Still Disagree With Each Other

Fans of the New England Revolution and Toronto Football Club somehow still disagreed with each other about the plays during the game and the result of the 1-1 draw on Saturday, despite three days having passed.

DANGEROUS FOUL! -

LEGITIMATE TACKLE! -

"That no-call penalty in the box and then the resulting goal by TFC was bullshit," stated Norma Thurbot, member of the Midnight Riders  "We all know that game should have finished 1-0 or 2-0 or even 2-1 or even 3-1, but the referees made a huge mistake and Toronto are filled with classless assholes, so they couldn't accept that they made a mistake. Even that second goal, never should have been disallowed. TFC were in the wrong the whole game. We won that game, the referees cost us 3 points."

The Nutmeg News spoke with Toronto FC fan Paul Dubois about the game result and he had the following to say, "That was never a penalty, and Giovinco is god. I don't know what they are complaining about but they are completely insane. They tried to rough up our players with that stupid turf and their centerbacks. Let's not forget... LETS NOT FORGET, they were diving and asking for calls all OVER the field. Honestly, we shouldn't have even let that first goal in. They are such a scrub team on a shit field."

The Nutmeg News attempted to force a detente with a Twitter round table, but that only increased the ire as insults flew back and forth resulting in half the group leaving while one remained posting pictures of goatse until the acrimonious round table was finished.

Nigel De Jong Announced As MLS All-Star Game Captain

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) today announced that Nigel De Jong would be the captain for the MLS All Star Game held at Avaya Stadium in San Jose, California.

"Nigel is a tough, hard working player and we can't imagine a better leader to take our team out onto the field," stated Commissioner of Major League Soccer Don Garber. "We know that he alongside Steven Gerrard, Frank Lampard, Didier Drogba, Kaka, and Pepe, when we finally get that deal signed, will help our All-Star Team represent our league and show Arsenal that we are a league on the grow."

The Nutmeg News will have more as the build up to All-Star week begins.

International Consortium Agree To Continue Making Player Highlight Videos With Terrible Music

The International Consortium Of Tribute Video Aficionados, today, agreed to continue making player highlight videos with terrible music on them.

"We with ICOTVA agreed that we must continue broadcasting, making and ensuring that all player highlight videos that you go to watch have really terrible music and bad production value," stated director of ICOTVA public relations Soloman Grandall.

"While most of the rest of the world has moved their standards upwards in video resolution, quality and music choice, ICOTVA is here to ensure that the video you are going to watch of the transfer target for a player from Slovenia is mixed with just awful Euro disco music that is turned up incredibly loud with video breaks, fly in graphics and highlights that make zero sense what so ever."

With ICOTVA admitting that they will continue their high quality attempt at low quality videos, fans worldwide admitted their relief at the consortiums attempt at continuing the huge attempts at low quality put forward.

"I don't know what I would do with myself if I didn't have another 5 minute highlight video with European disco music of a player making runs to nowhere and not scoring goals to watch. It would be a very sad day indeed," stated fan Douglas Therimn.

"It's not officially a transfer window until I find out about a new folk-rock band from Serbia whose music is attached to a player my team is looking at who may or may not play a few minutes for Grasshopper FC this season," stated Stephanie Oaks.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the trend thankfully continues.