"Major League Soccer to Be Top Terrorist Target By 2022," Insists Don Garber

NEW YORK - Commissioner Don Garber announced, on Wednesday, that he expected Major League Soccer to be a top terrorist target by 2022 stating, "our expansion, our life, our way of soccer will attract those that want to commit heinous acts. Look, no one is going to bomb a hand-ball game."

"Now THIS makes me feel like we are one of the biggest leagues in the world!"

"Now THIS makes me feel like we are one of the biggest leagues in the world!"

According to inside sources, Major League Soccer feels that their closed salary system, burgeoning fan base, and rapid expansion throughout most of North America will attract those that wish to snuff out the nascent league as a message to an government or society.

“Most people don’t think of our country as a soccer nation,” Garber said. “Our goal was to make America a soccer nation, to get people to grow up and want to be fans of their local MLS team, support their national team, and here we are averaging almost 22,000 fans a game.

“We’ve had tons of sell-outs and 15 soccer stadiums are being built. We are a league on the rise and that speaks of how great our country is and how supportive it is of the sport. What this means is that we are a larger profile league now and one that will attract credible terrorist threats against it. If our expansion plans go right, we will be looking at major security issues in six years by fundamentalists of some kind. We hope to surpass Major League Baseball in terms of credible terrorist threats against stadiums."

Reportedly, Major League Soccer realized that it was better to get out in front of any possible security issues by cracking down as early and as often as it cans. Internal sources say that Major League Soccer feels under siege from its own fan-base and has the understanding that even the collected fans could also be responsible for unspeakable acts of violence.

The Nutmeg News will have more on security theater as it is implemented without regard for anything.