US Soccer Guarantees World Cup Starting Spot For Any Child Whose Parent Donates $5,000,000

CHICAGO - US Soccer announced that they would guarantee a FIFA World Cup starting 11 spot for the child of any parent willing to donate 5 million dollars in unmarked, small bills.

Honestly, Leonard.... this photoshop...... are you even trying anymore?

Honestly, Leonard.... this photoshop...... are you even trying anymore?

"We have decided to take pay-to-play to the ultimate format by guaranteeing a starting position on our 2022 world cup squad to any child who has parents with enough money to just randomly sink it into our federation," stated president of the US Soccer Federation, Sunil Gulati.

"This is really just an extension of our TOTALLY not-pay-for-play donation system where we require a mandatory donation of $5,000 for your child to attend one of our free clinics. What we realized was that we could also guarantee a starting 11 spot if you donate enough money to the federation. The first child in the world cup is 5 million, the second child will be 10 million. In no short amount of time we are going to be FLUSH with cash. And then, it will be our responsibility to trickle down the financial wealth by stashing all of this cash in an unmarked account in the Philippines."

Reportedly, the US Soccer Federation had this brilliant idea when they realized that soccer parents are utterly desperate for their child to have any kind of advantage to succeed so that they can live out their failed dreams through their moderately interested 12 year old.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when it comes out that US Soccer requires $5,250,000 to put a young woman on a world cup squad because, "women cost more money."