NEW YORK - Major League Soccer, today, announced a new program intent upon spearheading the health and safety of all its male fans by requiring a mandatory prostate exam before entering the stadium for any upcoming Major League Soccer game.
"We with Major League Soccer are concerned both about the health and well-being of our male fans as well as the issues that have come from our collected fan-bases sneaking contraband into the stadium up their butts. In an effort to stop both of these, we will be requiring all adult male fans to voluntarily submit themselves for a digital prostate exam so that we can ensure that they are healthy, non-enlarged, non-cancerous and not smuggling in terrorists, C-4, Sharia Law or whiskey," stated president of Major League Soccer Mark Abbot.
While the new security procedure may seem like overkill, Commissioner of Major League Soccer Don Garber stated that nothing could be further from the truth.
"In reality, this is a simple procedure," stated Garber to a collection of journalists gathered at the International House Of Pancakes. "We will have our adult male fans escorted a few feet to a moderately well lit area with some kind of simple, mobile privacy curtain in place. There, they will be required to lower their pants, grab a table and prepare to be digitally probed, rectally, by a moderately trained college drop out that couldn't get employed by TSA. We will have a number of different people to check every one of our male fans and we will provide both male and female agents as an option. We do not expect this new security and health procedure that we have implemented to protect our fans to severely impact our stadium line. However, this procedure will be mandatory and you will not be allowed into the stadium if you refuse."
The Nutmeg News can confirm that fans will be able to buy Major League Soccer branded lubrication for future trips to see a game, however the bottle of MLS Lubrication cannot be brought into the stadium either so it will only be able to be used one time.