Audi Player Index Indicates Fabián Espíndola Hit Numberwang

The Audi Player Index, a collection of statistical information that illuminates nothing but the methodology that statisticians can utilize to keep themselves employed, showed that Fabián Espíndola hit Numberwang during week 6 of Major League Soccer



"Fabian hit a goal from outside the box, calculated a logarithmic function, ran 40 yards and ate a nutritional bar, that means he achieved Numberwang which allows a random DC United fan from Arlington, Virginia to achieve complete victory over his neighbor and have one night of sexual congress with his neighbor's wife or husband," stated Major League Soccer manager of statistics, pie charts and other bullshit, Harold Valens. "What we have achieved with Numberwang and Fabián shows that he is statistically better than Lionel Messi. World look out!"

While the collection of random statistical items that is aggregated for some kind of meaningful yet meaningless item on the screen seems like complete garbage, others say not so.

"THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT," stated Bradley Raderson. "Unless you know that Fabián scored 2000, by some method that we really aren't going to release at an in-depth level, and obtained Numberwang, and had a Q score of 45%over 6X90 then you won't know how he played. My GOD, people, take a look at this tableau and let me know when you get with the program!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on the Audi Player Index as it is used to illuminate something else as we ROTATE THE BOARD!