Victory Makes Timbers Fan Forget How Much He Hates That Guy In Section 105

Portland, OR - Timbers fan Drew Godfried admitted that the recent victory over FC Dallas has made him completely forget how much he hates James Barrett that always stands over in Timbers Army section 105.

"Yeah, you can see him right there.... It just makes my blood boil, what a DICK!" - Drew Godfried

"Goddamn do I hate that dude" said Godfried out loud when he realized that the euphoria of the win had managed to break his cold outer shell towards the collection of fans that he sometimes loathes. 

"I also hate that guy that always stands towards the front of 103. What a dick, but man wasn't that Asprilla goal amazing!" 

Friends of Mr Godfried stated that he seemed in an unusually chipper mood on Monday and they attributed that to the bitter poison of his enmity with the people that make up the fan-base for his team seeping away into the vast ether of life immemorial after a particularly delightful win for the hometown club.

"He was definitely less ranty this morning" said  Daryl Jefferson of Tigard, Mr Godfried's boyfriend of 5 years. "Hopefully this win will keep him from continuing to complain about the people that seem to piss him off every time he goes to the stadium. It's a wonder that he uses his twitter account for any positivism at all instead of just endlessly harping on stupid petty bullshit."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Godfried finds a way to focus back in on his enmity of Mr Barrett during the week in which he waits for the Portland Timbers to play FC Dallas away.

Red Bull New York Fan Finds Happiness In Return To Disappointment

NEW YORK - Zachary Ailes, a  long time Red Bull New York (RBNY) fan, has admitted that he is finding solace in the return to the disappointment that the team has typically given him in the past.

A return to crushing disappointment

"I wasn't comfortable with all this winning and trophies we have had over the past few years," said Ailes to his friends on Sunday night as he attempted to drown his sorrows. "People may want to pretend that everything was finally going well and that the team had turned a corner but it is comforting to know that everything is currently still how it has been for the past 20 seasons. I mean, that was a vintage Metro in the playoffs performance and it honestly feels comforting."

Friends of Mr Ailes, that he brought on board in the last three seasons, were reportedly crushed by the first round playoff loss, but Mr Ailes stated, "Get used to it guys. I could tell you stories that would make you stop following this team and never look back. Hell, just the story about using Metro versus Red Bull in our songs is a nuanced one, much less about our inability to get the job done in the playoffs. Either way we have another game for Red Bull to crap away and hopefully we will get a chance to really have another eventful offseason because I'm absolutely certain that is what all the fans want. Maybe we will even get another coach firing! Now THAT would be so Metro."
 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Jesse Marsch gets a vote of confidence in the first week of December.

NPSL Fan Does Deep Dive Into Statistics To Figure Out If Don Garber Insulted Chattanooga

Nashville, TN - National Premier Soccer League fan and Nashville FC fan Drew Harrod took a deep dive into city statistics, average attendance, per capita consumption of soccer and overall metroplex support on Thursday night in order to figure out whether Don Garber insulted Chattanooga FC or not.

"This is the only pyramid I support. My own."

"I have to figure out if that was an insult, an accurate statement or perhaps a combination of the both," said Mr Harrod online to a collection of anonymous strangers that really didn't give two shits about Commissioner Garber's statements until they realized how much fun it was to use it as a vehicle for attacks on the league. "If he was talking about an average attendance over the course of a year than we could say that he was speaking accurately."

Chattanooga native and soccer fan Wes Turnbull was incredulous at this, "Of course it is a dig. It doesn't matter whether the statistics were right or wrong, the commissioner of another league being a prick to a city for really no reason what so ever doesn't need to be accepted if he got the statistics moderately right. He is just being a dick!"

However, Mr Harrod didn't see it that way as he stated, "Well, if his statistics are right then he was merely illuminating the situation for all of us to see. After all, if the statistics and data show that you are indeed a shit city, a shit team playing on a shit field in front a shit crowd with no money then you should be mocked relentlessly by everyone. Garber was just getting out in front of that train. I'm going to now look through city planning records and compare the growth of the urban core to that of Salt Lake to give some kind of data point to the idea of MLS expansion and the overall shit ability of your team. At this point that will help me determine if Garber's comments are 100% correct, which they likely are, at which point you all should stop whining because if a persons statistics are correct they can be a complete ass all the time."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this at the next comment period by Don Garber.

Chicago Fire Desperately Trying To Win Race For Bottom

CHICAGO - After a long, disappointing season full of acrimony on and off the field, the Chicago Fire are attempting to finally win something by having the most explosive offseason of the year.

Don't answer your door, Brian.... DONT ANSWER YOUR DOOR!

The Chicago Fire managed to fire nearly every single person on the roster today as they attempted to salvage the remaining part of 2015 by being able to spend December making "Staff Addition" announcements.

Calls to the Chicago Fire front office were not returned as the staff there has been let go. However a note taped to the door stated, "Those responsible for everything have been fired. Except for the glorious owner. May god shine his great provenance upon his ass-cheeks"

The Nutmeg News will have more on THE PURGE as it ramps up again in 2017.

Desperate Rush To Use "Chicago Dumpster Fire" Overwhelms Internet

INTERNET - Bloggers, reporters and hot-take enthusiasts quickly rushed to their keyboards to attempt to be the first ones to utilize the words "Chicago Dumpster Fire" before the play on words was completely fucked out.

One man's dumpster fire is another man's open top conex fire.

"I just had to do it" said Melissa Sugarman of Dayton, Ohio. "It was sitting right there for my twitter account," she said as she typed into twitter "Chicago Fire, more like Chicago Dumpster Fire." Reportedly Ms Sugarman thought about also using "Chicago Fire, not so hot." and "Chicago Fire? Going Up In Flames".

"I just went with the standard. I'm a busy woman and I only have a few minutes in my day to be on twitter. This was a gut decision." said Ms Sugarman as she got on to her fourth conference call of the day that Jenny her executive assistant put together because she forgot about the time constraints of the Deloit deal. C'mon Jenny, get your scheduling of her day together. She has things to do and she needs to go meet friends at The Century Bar for some bourbon around 8:00 pm. GET IT TOGETHER.

Fans of the Chicago Fire were not immune to using word play to describe their desperation but most of this revolved around the fact that no one has been paying attention except them for the last 2 years. 

"C'mon people, We have been beating this drum savagely all year." said Jerrod Dombravsky of Chicago. "We've been on this dumpster fire word play and extinguished and nearly every other turn of phrase since Hauptman spread his wings over our organization and tried to take a dump."

The Nutmeg News will have more on the Chicago Fire in about 10 minutes.

Red Bull Arena Announces Playoff Sell Out

NEW YORK - Red Bull New York (RBNY) have announced that they have sold out all the tickets available for the Eastern Conference Final against the Columbus Crew on the 29th of November.

However, officials state, "We are proactively working with the people who already have purchased playoff tickets to get them to show up."

Mostly Full Is Partially Empty, But All Dead is... wait... what's the Princess Bride quote?

Director of Ticketing and amateur Birder still in search of the Ruby-Throated Hummingbird, David Henderson, spoke to The Nutmeg News (TNN) on Thursday morning about the issue. "We don't have a problem selling tickets, but we would like those that buy tickets to actually show up for this game. I don't believe it to be a problem given the importance of the game but I feel like we should reiterate. Theoretical sell-out be damned, please show up to the game, before the game kicks off."

Red Bull representatives have been working with ticket representatives from the Columbus Crew to better fill both stadiums to capacity for these games as both teams play a style that deserves to have a full stadium watching them.

"It's simple. If you bought a ticket to this game, for the love of god show up on time" said Mr Henderson.

Woman Refuses To Read Player Profile, "I Don't Want To Like Him"

WASHINGTON - DC United fan Laura Halvorson has admitted that she refused to read the recent New York Daily News player profile piece on Matt Miazga because, "I don't want to like him"

DAMMIT, MATT. Why you gotta be so dreamy!?

"I refuse to cater to anything that would allow my opinion to be swayed in a positive light about any of those assholes" said Halvorson to her friends on Tuesday night. "Screw Miazga, screw McCarty, screw Robles, and screw all those guys who play for that team or all the players that ever will." 

With Mizaga's story one of a quick rise from an interesting background, friends of Ms Halvorson thought that she would be interested in that regardless of her team affiliation.

"Hell no, get the fuck out of here with that." said Ms Halvorson, quickly showing her distate of the subject matter. "I don't want to like him!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms Halvorson develops a rooting interest in an international player only to have them get picked up by Red Bull New York during the offseason.

Canadian Uncomfortable With National Team Playing Well

Toronto, ON - Canadian Men's National Team (CMNT) fan Stuart Hamilton has admitted that he is incredibly uncomfortable with the way in which the national team is currently playing.

Everyone here needs to freak out RIGHT NOW.

"They are playing well and getting results." said Hamilton to a Nutmeg News reporter on Wednesday. "This is really not great for me because I've become so accustomed to the perpetual heaving dumpster fire that is Men's Canadian Soccer that I'm incapable of correctly processing a capable team at this point."

With some of his friends disappointed in the recent result, Mr Hamilton ranted, "They just won and tied a game and you are disappointed? Do you remember how this went the last time around? Or the time before that? Mats Sundin help me find the inner peace to deal with this! Were any of you born the last time Canada made a world cup? NO? Do you even remember what it felt like to finish 11th out of 12 teams in 2013 at the Gold Cup? NO? SHUT THE HELL UP and be extremely nervous for the rest of the year!"

When asked what Mr Hamilton would do if the national team made the world cup, he stated "FREAK THE FUCK OUT. Imma party like it is 1986 all over again!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Hamilton puts on his lucky acid washed jeans and tries to find a copy of Berlin's Take My Breath Away.

Person With Zero Influence Has Fool Proof Plan To Remove Jurgen Klinsmann As Coach

INTERNET - Reddit user TwerkLongHours recently stated, on the social media site subgroup R/MLS, that they have a fool proof way to remove Jurgen Klinsmann as manager of the United States National Team.

"Straaaaaaaaaaangers in the night........exchanging glances
Wond'ring in the night....... what were the chances
We'd be sharing love before the night was through"

"C'mon Bros! We can do this!" the post stated indicating a faint soupçon of the milieu of the North American Bro that includes tremendous fortitude and the pulsing nature of wild untapped potential. "Like, we need like a petition or a plane or something" continued the post showing that indeed these bros did have a plan worth following.

The responses varied from the sarcastic to the disrespectful but un-phased, TwerkLongHours continued on their quixotic quest to rile up the user base of Reddit into a frenzy that would lead to the long awaited revolution, coaching change, and world cup win for the United States.

"He doesn't know what he is doing, like AT all," continued TwerkLongHours before logging onto Change.org in an attempt to get a petition started. "This will finally once and for all solve the problem. This with frequent and repetitive complaining online. He will be gone tomorrow!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as TwerkLongHours creates a Klinsmann parody Reddit account before it gets banned after one post.

Indiana Man Can Only Remember Three Of The Four MLS Playoff Teams

Jasper, IN - William (Billy) Connel admitted that he just honestly can't remember all the teams left in the MLS Playoffs.

I know it isn't Chicago, of that I'm pretty much certain.

Mr. Connel was called out by his friends as being a complete and utter moron after he trailed off mid conversation while stating, "Yeah with New York and... um.... Dallas and um.... P...Port...Land?" and then running away to get more beer and dip.

"I just can't remember, It was last month, I've been busy, I've been working, I've got things to do, I had to balance my check book, I've got some serious things to think about. At this point, I'm more concerned about my fantasy team and whether I can con my league into giving me bonus points for Cam Newton's lambada or whatever the hell that was." stated a clearly fucking stupid Mr Connel.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when he remembers that it is Orlando.

Nation United In Effort Of Continuing To Give Separate Soccer TV Ratings For Spanish And English

The nation of the United States of America announced their continuing effort at splitting the Spanish and English language television ratings for soccer to subtly indicate that Spanish language fans are not considered American enough to count as one rating with their English language counterparts.

Well, it may be separate but at least they are equally on the same graph, right?

"What we have here is an importance at continuing the institution of reporting the ratings like 150k Fox Sports 1 followed by nothing for a few hours on twitter and then someone will pipe up with 300k on Univision or wherever the hell those folks watch their soccer" said director of the Neilsen Media Research group Harold Stubens. "We ensure that when the ratings come out that they come out separately, otherwise what is the point of measuring statistics. Honestly, I blame you people out there, the American public, for not acknowledging that your friends and neighbors that watch the game in Spanish contribute as much to the popularity of the game in North America as your English speaking friends."

While some say this may just be incidental reporting for this situation, others blame the fact that many people in America speak Spanish and according to Little Rock, AR native Jimmy Holland, "They should learn to speak English so our MLS ratings will go up on FOX, otherwise soccer will never be big in this country. Who cares what they watch on that Univision? It's a big enough problem that I gotta watch it every once in a while when there is a game, and I'm hunting all over for that SAP button."  

Mr. Holland took a swig of Budweiser and continued, "We gotta be like that Trump fella and Make Soccer Great again so that I can turn to English language websites for English language ratings and watch games on English channels without having to figure out what they are saying. Let's make soccer great again like when we had L-DO jamming up them Mexicans in the Gold Cup and we was winning world cups left and right! MURICA!"

Reporter James Abraham of the Philadelphia Ambassador Daily News had the following to say, "It isn't that I don't care about Spanish language soccer ratings, it is that the Spanish language ratings aren't relevant to me. I talk English speaking soccer with English speaking people and I don't care what the Univision ratings are. As far as I know all Spanish speaking people love MLS and the World Cup, so getting them on board won't help television ratings at all."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the US bands together to protect its Neilsen ratings.

Anti-Refugee Loudmouth Buys Darlington Nagbe US Kit

Biloxi, MS - Anti-Refugee loudmouth and US Soccer fan David Kovalich has admitted that he recently purchased a Darlington Nagbe United States kit as Kovalich stated, "I think he is going to become my favorite new player on the team."

Are you sure he isn't here to implement Sharia law?

Kovalich was reportedly either unaware of the irony of this or just didn't care as he continued to state, "We can't let those filthy Islamic refugees into our country. They are here to destroy us from the inside and ruin our moral fiber" before fist pumping as he looked at Instagram pictures of Liberian refugee Nagbe and Polish-American Matt Miazga debuting for the United States national team.

"These guys are fine" said Kovalich. "It's the guys I don't like. Which are Muslims that look like the cartoons I imagine them as, with the blowing up of stuff and what not." 

Kovalich was also unaware of the long history of the United States and specifically the United States National Soccer team as a melting pot accepting all nationalities and all immigrants with the inclination and the wherewithal to play soccer including some that weren't even United States citizens like Joe Gaetjens. 

He definitely came over to infiltrate the United States with Hatian values.

"I just want to build a wall to keep out all the non-nationals that are going to destroy our country with Islam" said Kovalich on his facebook page while simultaneously uploading a picture of his new Nagbe kit purchase. "They can just go back to their home countries, except Darlington. He can stay. All the rest of them can go back though. We need more All-American kids like Gyasi Zardes," said the moronic Kovalich who was unaware of the Ghanian heritage of Zardes and his family.

The Nutmeg News will have more coverage on this because there apparently will always exist "the fear" within people that allows them to condemn refugees and immigrants to live with death while simultaneously blaming them for all the ills of the world.

Just Like Suffering Erectile Dysfunction, Winning An MLS Cup Championship Only Strikes One In Four

Despite there only being one winner, fans of the four teams left in the MLS Cup playoffs somehow all think that their team is going to win defying the very nature of having a championship competition. The Nutmeg News spoke to MLS Statistician and lead Sociologist Dr. Mary Clerk about this phenomenon.

"I have researched the subject and there really can be only one winner of MLS Cup" said Dr Clerk to The Nutmeg News on Monday. "Clearly some of these fans are absolutely deluded about their chance at winning the final. This is much like Erectile Dysfunction. We know that it hits one in four men, but it seems that all men are so preoccupied with their penis that they lack the ability to understand that it is only affecting their neighbor Claude."

If playoffs last more than four months, call your soccer representative.

Despite this critical information, fans of all four teams forged ahead in their belief that their team is the anointed one team that will raise the Major League Soccer Philip "I hate the gays" Anschutz Trophy at the end of the year. The Nutmeg News spoke with four fans from the four teams remaining who all had the following to say.

"We are the best" said deluded Timbers fan Harold Schmidt "I know it."

"We are definitely the best, Yall" said confused FC Dallas fan Stephen Rodder. "I know it."

"We are going to win this year" said deluded Red Bull New York fan Barbara Valens.

"We are absolutely the best and going to win," said confused Columbus Crew fan Isaac Rorish. 

According to Dr Clerk, "These are all signs of the deluded nature of sports and our human ability to lack critical thinking. Clearly they can't all win unless MLS changes their championship to a four way tie, something that would indeed provide the possibility that all these fans believe."

The Nutmeg News will have more from the 2015 Audi MLS Cup playoffs brought to you by Advocare, Herbalife, Amway, and Xango as they continue.

BLAZER-CON: A Psychonaut Trip Report

The Nutmeg News dispatched psychonaut and soccer fan Timothy Redding to Blazercon to take in the convention dedicated towards over exposed British talking heads and their cadre of Bill Simmons-esque worshipers. Here is his report of what he may or may not have experienced.

The first thing you must understand is that I was only on a high THC tincture when I was escorted from the hall after shouting about the theories of promotion only league structures where no one is relegated and the rising in league status is infinite.

LOVE IS LIFE'S BRIGHT LOVE AND TO LOVE AND OBEY! I'M FREAKING OUT. 

I walked into Blazercon an infantile baby to the obsessive compulsive need of American soccer fans to seek acceptance and a sense of history; but I walked out with a head full of ether, psilocybin, and a heavy sprinkling of marijuana a new devotee to the cause of wearing a blazer and talking about soccer. Inside was a wheeling madhouse of tens of people who wanted to be loved because they were talking about nerdy things and worrying about their brand status as they figured out the correct way to lust after Rebecca Lowe that would not lead to group recrimination.

We wandered the hallways together seeking a new power source for our love after the great unplugging from what we typically call life and I found a way to sneak a capsule into my mouth of pure DMT that I lovingly stowed in a small vitamin-E bottle that I carried in my branded over the shoulder bag. The drugs took hold as I carefully looked for the floating face of Ray Hudson in the shuddering  quivering masses in front of me. 

Life become tolerable as the auditory hallucinations gained hold and everywhere I walked the pronunciation of the word Derby became Darby. The Mushrooms moved fast at this point and I became very aware of trails and contrails and many people walking around in kits from Europe. Everyone was Jack Wilshire and everyone was Sergio Aguero. No one was James McClean.

My god, the mental aspect of trying to find sanity here became difficult as it was very clear that everyone had dressed for inside jokes. People wearing funny hats, small dolls, and all initialed with GFOP which means exactly nothing unless you are a Blazer-Fan at which point it becomes your mantra that you kneel to and pray extolling the great faith of your time, that without it there is no love or truth or great blazer in the sky.

As the feeling of overwhelming presence left me, I was left costing on an easy high and finding the middle ground. It was at this point the shouting became very clear and I was asked to leave as I was upsetting the Everton superfans from Bushwick in the tri-corner, three musketeers hats.

Heaven help us all.

New York Cosmos Summit Top Of Mountain To Claim Somewhat Meaningful Championship

NEW YORK - The New York Cosmos climbed to the top of the second division or third division or first division-kinda mountain to claim the soccer bowl for their own on Sunday as they beat the Ottawa Fury by a score of 3-2.

KINGS OF THE NASL -- BUT NOT THAT NASL -- THE OTHER NASL -- THE NEW NASL-- NO, NOT THE USL. LOOK, WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THE SUPPOSED SOCCER PYRAMID.

Playing on the chilly field at Hofstra University, the Cosmos managed to set aside the horrible turf, the thumping PA system, the cheerleaders dressed in skimpy clothes for 50 degree weather, the lacrosse markings and the broadcast that involved Shep "I HAVE OPINIONS" Messing on the greatest internet channel that ever streamed if you have ESPN or a friend that will let you borrow the code in order to watch the championship game online.

"We knew that thousands would be watching so we really went at them" said Raul after the final game of his career that saw him crowned champion of  a small subset of specific teams that elected to not go all in on the insanity of the rules that Major League Soccer tries to jam down your throat with great rapidity and thus formed a splinter league that also has a championship but virtually no coverage which, given that MLS barely has any persistent non-league created national coverage of note, basically means that it was widely and largely uncovered and unknown to have happened.

RELEVANCE!

The Cosmos have now won two of the three last Soccer Bowl championships and the 2015 Woosnam Cup as having the best record in the league.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Cosmos continue their quest of propping up the NASL until it finds some kind of nationwide grasp on the collective consciousness of soccer fans in North America or whatever the end game of the NASL is beyond annoying Don Garber and Sunil Gulati.

Research Shows 99% Of Major League Soccer Fans Have Already Forgotten That Playoffs Are Still Ongoing

The findings from a new research project by the Department of Homeland Security have indicated that 99% of Major League Soccer fans have already forgotten that the playoffs are still ongoing.

Time to head back to watching the Habs, boys.

"Are the playoffs still happening?" said Philadelphia Union fan Thomas Franz. "I kinda forgot that everything was still running along. Honestly, if they take a two week break in the middle of the schedule don't expect me to tag along."

Orlando City fans have reportedly long since checked out of following the league with Orlando City fan Jacob Steinberg stating, "We've got better things to do, like stalking the whereabouts of Brek Shea and trying to figure out what we are going to get in the draft. Frankly, I'm surprised anyone is still paying attention to that shit."

The data released by the department of homeland security showed that while some fans are still paying attention to the playoffs, most of them are isolated in the respective cities of the four teams still left in the competition for MLS Cup.

"I've still had to check my calendar to figure out when the games are coming back on again," said Timbers fan Brandon Hodgkins. "I'm hoping the Timbers make it to the end of the season so I can go to MLS cup a month from now on whatever day that happens to be."

Permanent contrarian, David Hughes, had the following to say, "If MLS didn't take a break for the international dates you would all be complaining about them screwing up the competitive balance of the league. It's a lose lose scenario." However, even Mr Hughes admitted that he has a hard time remembering the schedule, "I know that it is Sunday but I don't know what time. Hopefully the Pats game isn't on at the same time because if that's the case, I'm not going to be watching anything to do with soccer."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the league announces a January MLS Cup with a six week break for 2016.

Joe Roth Clarifies, "I, Personally, Get My Cocaine From Nicaragua"

Seattle, WA - Minority owner, movie producer and all around hollywood persona, Joe Roth, stated on Friday that his comments were taken out of context regarding Nicaraguans and Guatemalans being cocaine distributors.

MY PERUVIAN MARCHING POWDER COMES FROM THE GUATS, BRO!

"I was taken out of context. What I meant to say is that my own cocaine comes from Nicaragua and Guatemala. I certainly didn't mean to cast any aspersions or hate on people from Nicaragua and Guatemala. They make wonderful cocaine."

Roth's comments were perceived to have been in reference to Marco Pappa's ethnicity and The Nutmeg News asked Joe Roth whether or not he got his cocaine from Marco Pappa. 

"No, Marco hasn't sold me any cocaine. I wish he would, but the last time I asked him about this he just shook his head. The Guatemala stuff is fantastic, but I lost my connection after Marco didn't get called up to the national squad. God, what I wouldn't give to sign another player from Guatemala. I'm getting gakked up just thinking about it."

The Nutmeg News will have more about this as Joe Roth explains why Mexicans have the best weed.

TRANSFER RUMOR: NYCFC and LAFC In Running For Alfredo di Stefano

NEW YORK - A recent insider source has let The Nutmeg News know that New York City Football Club (NYCFC) and Los Angeles Football Club (LAFC) are in the running to sign recently deceased Real Madrid legend Alfredo di Stefano (RIP).

So many trophies, so little time.

"We think he has finally come down into our price range" said Sporting Director Claudio Reyna. "While he is most certainly dead, he offers as much to our lineup on defense as Andrea Pirlo did during Jason Kreis reign of terror."

New York City FC are reportedly in direct conflict to acquire di Stefano with the millennial interns at Los Angeles Football Club who oversea the transfer policy and Football Manager updates for the nascent side.

"We heard someone else was interested in the body of di Stefano and we thought we could probably trade some allocation money or get a loan utilizing our strong selfie game as collateral. While we don't actually know if di Stefano will want to come to Los Angeles Football Club, we also don't know if LAFC will ever actually play soccer so a dead, legendary player and a dead, legendary club seem to be the perfect match," stated director of Los Angeles Football Club acquisitions @SmokinPunz420 (Derek Blaylock). "We can't wait to add his trophies to our long list of accomplishments like the time we created a viral tweet about split scarves."

The Nutmeg News will have more as these two titans battle it out for Garrincha, next week.

New York Cosmos Fan Already Finding Reasons To Dislike Referee Alan Kelly

NEW YORK - Cosmos fan Hugo Bratock has admitted that ever since he found out that Alan Kelly was going to referee the NASL final, that he has been finding reasons to dislike Kelly.

"Someone doesn't like me on the internet? NO!"

"He is going to call something poorly" said Mr Bratock to his group of friends. "Probably blow an offside call, or call a goal back, or give someone a red card... I  don't even know."

When asked by his friends what he looks like, Mr Bratock couldn't accurately describe using terms such as, "Oh, you know...he is that referee... that guy, with the stuff.. He did that thing one time? Uses a lot of cards? He is just complete shit, he um... blew that  call in that game... and people don't like him much because of.... um.... something." 

Still though Mr Bratock is remains certain that he doesn't like him. "He's a terrible referee, I know this, I just can't remember exactly why, right now. I just know that I'm going to boo the shit out of him as soon as something goes against the my boys."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Bratock sees a picture of Mr Kelly and draws a complete blank.

For Authenticity Purposes, Rayo OKC To Only Communicate In Spanish

Oklahoma City, OK - New NASL team Rayo OKC has announced that for the sake of authenticity they will only communicate in Castilian Spanish for press releases and general announcements.

Muy Autentico

"It is important for our team going forward to only communicate in Spanish utilizing the Castilian formal Spanish, referential of Madrid," said Brad Lund manager of Sold Out Strategies. "Our overlords with Rayo Vallecano have insisted that this will differentiate us from other clubs in the United States now that Chivas USA has been buried 86 times over in Major League Soccer. We plan on being the team that the people who follow struggling La Liga teams and who are from Madrid and live in Oklahoma City can identify with."

With Rayo OKC being partially owned by Rayo Vallecano, Mr Lund stated that he thought that the language change would only be the first step towards creating a new Castilian Spanish identity for the fledgling club. "It's going to be crazy. I've already been working with Duo-Lingo and Rosetta Stone to get up to speed. We are only going to employ Spanish speaking players, coaches and front office staff mandating that our internal staff all learn how to speak Spanish within one year of the hire date. We also plan on instituting many of the things that a player with Rayo Vallecano would experience. We will have a Siesta period, major financial insecurity every couple years and a crippling inability to compete on a year to year level making us darlings of the media by virtue of our struggle. We will be encouraging our fans to also authentically speak Spanish as this will create even more authenticity."

The Nutmeg News will have more on Rayo OKC as they are slapped with a discrimination lawsuit.