Chicago Fire Desperately Trying To Win Race For Bottom

CHICAGO - After a long, disappointing season full of acrimony on and off the field, the Chicago Fire are attempting to finally win something by having the most explosive offseason of the year.

 Don't answer your door, Brian.... DONT ANSWER YOUR DOOR!

Don't answer your door, Brian.... DONT ANSWER YOUR DOOR!

The Chicago Fire managed to fire nearly every single person on the roster today as they attempted to salvage the remaining part of 2015 by being able to spend December making "Staff Addition" announcements.

Calls to the Chicago Fire front office were not returned as the staff there has been let go. However a note taped to the door stated, "Those responsible for everything have been fired. Except for the glorious owner. May god shine his great provenance upon his ass-cheeks"

The Nutmeg News will have more on THE PURGE as it ramps up again in 2017.