Just Like Suffering Erectile Dysfunction, Winning An MLS Cup Championship Only Strikes One In Four

Despite there only being one winner, fans of the four teams left in the MLS Cup playoffs somehow all think that their team is going to win defying the very nature of having a championship competition. The Nutmeg News spoke to MLS Statistician and lead Sociologist Dr. Mary Clerk about this phenomenon.

"I have researched the subject and there really can be only one winner of MLS Cup" said Dr Clerk to The Nutmeg News on Monday. "Clearly some of these fans are absolutely deluded about their chance at winning the final. This is much like Erectile Dysfunction. We know that it hits one in four men, but it seems that all men are so preoccupied with their penis that they lack the ability to understand that it is only affecting their neighbor Claude."

 If playoffs last more than four months, call your soccer representative.

If playoffs last more than four months, call your soccer representative.

Despite this critical information, fans of all four teams forged ahead in their belief that their team is the anointed one team that will raise the Major League Soccer Philip "I hate the gays" Anschutz Trophy at the end of the year. The Nutmeg News spoke with four fans from the four teams remaining who all had the following to say.

"We are the best" said deluded Timbers fan Harold Schmidt "I know it."

"We are definitely the best, Yall" said confused FC Dallas fan Stephen Rodder. "I know it."

"We are going to win this year" said deluded Red Bull New York fan Barbara Valens.

"We are absolutely the best and going to win," said confused Columbus Crew fan Isaac Rorish. 

According to Dr Clerk, "These are all signs of the deluded nature of sports and our human ability to lack critical thinking. Clearly they can't all win unless MLS changes their championship to a four way tie, something that would indeed provide the possibility that all these fans believe."

The Nutmeg News will have more from the 2015 Audi MLS Cup playoffs brought to you by Advocare, Herbalife, Amway, and Xango as they continue.