The nation of the United States of America announced their continuing effort at splitting the Spanish and English language television ratings for soccer to subtly indicate that Spanish language fans are not considered American enough to count as one rating with their English language counterparts.
"What we have here is an importance at continuing the institution of reporting the ratings like 150k Fox Sports 1 followed by nothing for a few hours on twitter and then someone will pipe up with 300k on Univision or wherever the hell those folks watch their soccer" said director of the Neilsen Media Research group Harold Stubens. "We ensure that when the ratings come out that they come out separately, otherwise what is the point of measuring statistics. Honestly, I blame you people out there, the American public, for not acknowledging that your friends and neighbors that watch the game in Spanish contribute as much to the popularity of the game in North America as your English speaking friends."
While some say this may just be incidental reporting for this situation, others blame the fact that many people in America speak Spanish and according to Little Rock, AR native Jimmy Holland, "They should learn to speak English so our MLS ratings will go up on FOX, otherwise soccer will never be big in this country. Who cares what they watch on that Univision? It's a big enough problem that I gotta watch it every once in a while when there is a game, and I'm hunting all over for that SAP button."
Mr. Holland took a swig of Budweiser and continued, "We gotta be like that Trump fella and Make Soccer Great again so that I can turn to English language websites for English language ratings and watch games on English channels without having to figure out what they are saying. Let's make soccer great again like when we had L-DO jamming up them Mexicans in the Gold Cup and we was winning world cups left and right! MURICA!"
Reporter James Abraham of the Philadelphia Ambassador Daily News had the following to say, "It isn't that I don't care about Spanish language soccer ratings, it is that the Spanish language ratings aren't relevant to me. I talk English speaking soccer with English speaking people and I don't care what the Univision ratings are. As far as I know all Spanish speaking people love MLS and the World Cup, so getting them on board won't help television ratings at all."
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the US bands together to protect its Neilsen ratings.