Executive Admits, "I Use NFL Analogies Because I Don't Really Understand Soccer"

A prominent US Soccer executive has admitted to The Nutmeg News that he frequently uses other sports as the basis for his analogies when explaining elements of soccer because he doesn't actually understand the game.

"Look, I'm part of an ownership team and a management team in this league but I didn't really intend to be in soccer. My knowledge of the game is very low so I tend to frame things using analogies from other sports, most specifically the NFL. The other day I couldn't figure out why we aren't able to score so I just told the boys to 'punch it in there like Emmitt Smith would'. Man that confused the everloving hell out of our South American imports. The other day some of our fans were wrong by criticizing our coaching staff, but I just had to tell them, 'Gregg Popovich wouldn't conduct business this way' because I didn't know a coaching alternative in the soccer world to use as an example. I don't know, is there even a Gregg Popovich type coach or even a Jim Mora type in the soccer world?"

When asked if he would take the time to understand the game for the team he owns, this anonymous person said, "Well, I'm going through some courses with a few ex-players, our technical director and I'm reading some things on line. But y'know I'm just more comfortable talking about hard nosed players like Bear Bryant had rather than players that Steve Busby had, plus I don't want to get on a rant here but who is really able to absorb all the years of history in the game of soccer overnight. I still prefer watching baseball to this game....

.

.

Um, could you edit what I said earlier? I meant Matt... Matt Busby. There's just so much to learn."

The Nutmeg News asked about the style that this executive teams are playing and he had the following to say, "Well we blend the up-tempo Patriots style, with Peyton Mannnings no-huddle sensibilities and the defense of the late 90's Tampa Bay Buccaneers with the frenetic ruggedness of Iverson's 76ers teams. We really think it will make an impact!"

"Promotion and Relegation" Twitter Game Frightens Parents

Parents across the continent are reporting concern at a new game enthralling young and old alike. The new game is called "Promotion and Relegation" and it has created such a scare that people are now warning those in control of their twitter accounts to not seek the thrill.

"We went down to a basement deep in the earth," said 35 year old nursing student and LA Galaxy fan Shonda Evans. "We faced a mirror and typed PROMOTION AND RELEGATION into our twitter accounts and hit send. A red glow emanated from the screen as the battery on our cellphone overheated with a barrage of insane replies, arguing and bickering. The heat and smoke were immense. Immediately we were faced with a veritable brigade of walking undead twitter accounts sent to feast upon our twitter feed. There was a low rumbling and my mentions were filled with TED. I felt an immense twinge of panic.  The audible words 'TED TED TED TED TED TED' became apparent and the red glow became more intense. TED TED TED continued and it came from deep down as though it wasn't even coming from my cell phone. The whole thing was terrifying. Out of the 10 friends of mine that tried this, 8 of them ended up with locked down twitter accounts. I now regret this game and I want to warn everyone to not attempt such things, it will only lead to sadness. Praise Ted."

PROMOTION AND RELEGATION has long been a cult hit game on twitter. "Just a taste" is what the pushers on your child's street corner dispensing troll starter kits will say. However, now the game is breaking into the mainstream and families are getting involved.

"I introduced my father to soccer and now he just stars at a screen typing the words over and over again into his account. He doesn't even know what they mean, but he knows that sending them out gets him responses and he is very lonely since his dog passed away in June. Do not let you friends play this game!" said Junior Flores of Fort Lauderdale, Florida. 

Theo Cassabian of Myrtle Beach had a different story to share with The Nutmeg News as we met at Rioz Brazilian Steakhouse on 2920 Hollywood Drive to discuss this game.

"I started off a mild mannered accountant, but now I am an accountant that trolls from morning to noon on issues regarding financial independence and league alignment in soccer. I don't even know how to stop anymore. I just hear the call and troll. There is no enjoyment anymore, no land that will accept me. My wife just gave up on the game, my children are into interpretive dance. DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN, TED BE THY NAME. ALL THESE LEAGUES WILL PAY!" he said before sinking into a delicious slice of carefully prepared meat.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it continues to happen.

TNN MAD LIBS: Become A Journalist, Create Your Very Own "MLS TO MY CITY" Idiotic Rumor Article

Editors Note: Here is a form that will allow you, the viewer, to create your very own city rumor that can be published in any of your local city newspapers. Just replace the items below with your own city/team information and voila! You are a SOCCER JOURNALIST!

YOUR CITY, YOUR STATE -  PRESIDENT/MAYOR of YOUR TOWN says HE/SHE's "very bullish" on YOUR CITY as a spot to possibly expand Major League Soccer, and TEAM OWNER operating manager of the TEAM IN YOUR GENERAL AREA, plans to meet with YOUR MAYOR/PRESIDENT next week to discuss HIS/HER leagues current situation and start talks on building a stadium specifically for soccer.

Currently, The YOUR TEAM has a five-year sub-lease from the YOUR GOVERNMENT to play home games at CITY FIELD THAT DOESN'T ALLOW BEER SALES, but TEAM OWNER says a lack of parking and concession revenues, along with limited sponsorship at the recreational fields, aren't ideal, FICTIONAL NEWS AGENCY reports.

TEAM OWNER also said it costs $5,000 per game to rent CITY FIELD, and with additional personnel costs that send the cost soaring above $20,000, it's "not a sustainable situation."

The league can end its five-year deal with no penalty if a new stadium is built, but that hinges specifically on convincing everyone in the city that using taxpayer money for something that is almost certainly not going to happen is a good idea.

The CURRENT LEAGUE ORGANIZATION has requested that its franchises build their own stadiums by 2020. TEAM OWNER envisions starting with a 9,000-seat facility, and with the MLS in mind, having the potential to expand it to 20,000 seats.

"QUOTE GOES HERE" - TEAM OWNER

YOUR CITY is also in a race against other cities that might build stadiums for their own teams but will never get an MLS franchise until their ownership has a billion dollars and all the trendy cities are flourishing, including JUST PICK THREE CITIES OUT OF A HAT, THEY AREN'T GETTING AN MLS TEAM ANYWAY.

"If one of them gets an MLS team, I doubt that another one does," TEAM OWNER said.

As FICTIONAL NEWS AGENCY never previously reported, a study that was conducted earlier this year showed that a Major League Soccer franchise has the most potential — out of any other professional sports franchises — to survive in YOUR CITY.

Could A New Soccer Stadium Bring MLS to Mackinaw City?

Mackinaw City, MI -  President  of the Village Council Robert Heilman  says he's "very bullish" on Mackinaw City as a spot to possibly expand Major League Soccer; and David Ortrea, operating manager of the Petoskey Youth Soccer Association, plans to meet with Heilman next week to discuss his leagues current situation and start talks on building a stadium specifically for soccer.

FUDGE FC! FUDGE FC! FUDGE FC! FUDGE FC! FUDGE FC! FUDGE FC! FUDGE FC! FUDGE FC! FUDGE FC! FUDGE FC! 

Currently, The Petoskey Youth Soccer Association has a five-year sub-lease from the Petoskey city council to play home games at Petoskey Field, but Ortrea says a lack of parking and concession revenues, along with limited sponsorship at the recreational fields, aren't ideal, The Nutmeg News reports.

Ortrea also said it costs $5,000 per game to rent Petoskey Field, and with additional personnel costs that send the cost soaring above $20,000, it's "not a sustainable situation."

The league can end its five-year deal with no penalty if a new stadium is built, but that hinges specifically on convincing everyone in the city that using taxpayer money for something that is almost certainly not going to happen is a good idea.

The American Youth Soccer Organization has requested that its franchises build their own stadiums by 2020. Ortrea envisions starting with a 9,000-seat facility, and with the MLS in mind, having the potential to expand it to 20,000 seats.

"We gotta get some more money made off these little soccer hellions before they move on to work in our nation's fast food restaurants. Also, who doesn't want an MLS Franchise in Mackinaw City. Instead of sending our northern Michigan products to work for Taco Bell, we could send them to play for the Mackinaw City Fudge Lovers FC. GO FUDGE LOVERS FC!" - David Ortrea

Mackinaw City is also in a race against other cities that might build stadiums for their own teams but will never get an MLS franchise until their ownership has a billion dollars and all the trendy cities are flourishing, including Indianapolis, Cincinnati and St. Louis.

"If one of them gets an MLS team, I doubt that another one does," Ortrea said.

As The Nutmeg News never previously reported, a study that was conducted earlier this year showed that a Major League Soccer franchise has the most potential — out of any other professional sports franchises — to survive in Mackinaw City.

With Only 8 Games Left, Blogger Comes Up With Increasingly Bizarre Ideas For Struggling Team

Denver, CO - Blogger Isaac Travian refuses to give up on the Colorado Rapids season despite the poor performance of the team over the past 26 games. 

"All we need is a shift to a 8 man forward system where we play two at the back as a security measure and we will make the playoffs" said Mr Travian.

"I know that over the season the Rapids managed to score less than a goal a game over the course of the 2015 season, and I know that this has been the case now for 26 straight games. I also know that there is almost no chance that any of this is going to change because if they didn't fix it in the first 26 games they likely aren't going to fix anything in the next 8 games. However, I think if the team ran an 8 forward system with the staggering along the back line and the two centerbacks playing as deep lying playmakers there to just intercept and lob the ball up top that we might be able to find a way to make the playoffs."

Mr Travian stated that he also wants to have the keeper join in as a different option for attack. "They are really under utilized just sitting back there doing nothing. So I want to see Irwin push forward and get into the midfield. He can offer the link between the defense and my 8 forward system."

While Mr Travian admitted that he doesn't believe the front office will implement his new style of play, he says that they should. 

"This is a new age, a new methodology. We can be the best team in MLS. So what if we have already played one specific way with specific results for the entirety of the season. There has to be a way that we can move forward and win with this roster. I mean our struggles couldn't be that we just don't have very good players, that's impossible. I know we have great players because they are all so approachable and nice off the field! We just gotta find a way to win! Maybe we could even involved a 9 forward formation. Think about it! They only ever have two centerbacks! Nine forwards would overrun the whole team!"

Intern Tuesday: Oh. My. God. Klopas was fired OVER THE PHONE

The Nutmeg News allows interns to write stories as a way to give them an opportunity for success as well as give us a break to play FIFA. This article was written by fifteen year old Becky Goodhaven and has not been edited in any way. -The Nutmeg News

O
M
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Did you hear what Montreal Impact's Joey Saputo told Nick De Santis to do to their coach Frank Klopas? Yeah they fired him, duh! We all knew that. But get this, did you hear HOW they did it? No? Ohmygod You are not going to believe this.

Ok, so I heard from Emily who heard from Tracie who talked to Amanda who says her dad read a sports blog that says De Santis fired him OVER THE PHONE.

I know I know I know right? Drama!!

They've been together two years and he couldn't even meet him like after practice by his locker or something. I mean when Chris and I were dating (Chris is the really cute guy on the basketball team who is really into old rock bands like Nirvana) anyway, when we were dating he got mad because I wouldn't ever give him a bj because I wanted to take things slow and because, ew, right? Ok, anyway, when HE decided that he didn't want to be with me anymore he met me outside my class after third period and was like "Um, I don't want to date anymore." And then I told him he's just a giant perv and that he has a lot to learn and that his music sucks and that his hair is stupid.  But at least he was man enough to come talk to me in person. By the way, Chris, I would totally take you back if you want, you're music isn't stupid and you're totally hawt please don't date Stacy she's a skank and has given like a thousand handjobs and you'll probably catch the clap.

Anyway. So De Santis is totally like Chris, right? Klopas isn't putting out for him or something but he's like totally scared to talk to him face to face because he'll probably see his abs and be like OHMUHGAWD and just like totally not fire him because of his hot bod. It would have been better if De Santis at least got one of his friends to go to Klopas and talk to his face and break up for him, but even that is a pretty shitty thing to do and I'd still be pissed.

I even heard that De Santis and Saputo totally unfriended Klopas on his Facebook, Instagram, AND Twitter the night before they fired him. I mean, whoah, right? How did he not see this coming. I guess Klopas either didn't get the hint or else his phone was dead and he didn't check in or something, but still Saputo was totally trying to avoid talking to him. LAME.

So to summarize, my yearbook class says that each story has to have the five w's: who, what, when where, and why.

Who: Saputo and De Santis and Klopas
What: Klopas was fired
When: A couple days ago or something?
Where: OVER THE PHONE
Why: Because Joey Saputo is totally in love with Klopas and was like there's no way he can talk to him in person because it'd be way to hard to break up with him if I had to look at him and his awesome hair and plus he's probably wearing that shirt that he really likes but he won't let him borrow it and his dad has a really awesome car that they were going to use to go to prom this year and all his friends are super jealous of him and Chris please take me back, you can post a comment to this story and I'll totally call you. Please don't date Stacy, I hate her.

Daniel Sturridge Celebrates 26th Birthday By Straining Calf 26 Times

Liverpool, England - Liverpool Football Club player and persistently injured medical test patient Daniel Sturridge today celebrated his 26th birthday by straining his calf 26 times and being carried of the field.

"I wanted to celebrate my birthday in a very realistic way," said Sturridge "So I did some long stretches and ran out onto the practice field to play. I then strained for an over hit pass, felt my calf go, felt my hamstrings implode and fell to the ground awaiting the stretcher off the field. Once the medical staff came to get me, they took me to the tent, gave me some cake, rubbed some horse placenta on my feet and then sang Happy Birthday to me. It was great."

"Some people want to bike a kilometer for each year of their life, or buy an extravagant gift. I just wanted to celebrate by straining my calf the same number of years that I've been alive. It was tough to pull off but we did it!"

While Sturridge may be facing another long layoff on the sideline he isn't bitter about this possibility.

"Look, I get paid no matter what. Also, you guys get to figure out if Rodgers is staying or going. By the time I get back on the field we may have a new coach. Good luck with all that stuff. In the mean time I'm going to get back to playing video games and running on a zero gravity treadmill, when they give me the OK for physical activity again."

Orlando City SC To Host Ashley Madison Night

Orlando, FL - In light of recent promotions like the Vancouver Whitecaps Tinder Night, Orlando City SC announced that they will be hosting an Ashley Madison night for their match against the Montreal Impact on October 3rd.

Ashley Madison, the infamous extramarital affairs website, was recently hacked and the data of the customers that belong to it was released to the world. This gave Orlando City the idea of hosting an international nod to infidelity.

Orlando City SC public relations manager Jim Duchesnse had the following to say, "With the recent data leak of Ashely Madison customers we now know that your infidelity is exposed. So why not be out with it at an Orlando City game. The tickets will be buy two get one free and will allow you to move sections between your wife and your illicit lover that we will station in a section away from you but still close enough so that you can steal longing glances at one another across the heaving, sweaty, bellowing body of a Bud Light vendor."

Yes, there's even a celebrity option as well, Mr Harkes.

According to the press release from Orlando City, ushers will distract your spouse as you flit away to pretend like everything is ok in your life while you ritualistically sever the belief in humanity that your husband/wife has at that particular time. Also available is the "Kids Romper Room" which introduces your children to her children in a way that doesn't let them know that you are considering leaving one for the other until that one late night in August where your wife listened to you talk about your old football days and didn't laugh and you shared a long kiss while remembering what it was like to be 18 again. Ahhhhhh, love.

Orlando City SC said, "While we may disagree with infidelity, if we didn't step out on Austin we wouldn't even be here right now, so this only makes sense to us!"

TNN Art Corner: Pastiche Of 2014 Revolution Tifo Attempts To Lends Gravitas To Sounders Tifo

NEW YORK - With the Seattle Sounders tifo team creating a display that resembled the New England Revolution fan's JAWS/REVS tifo from 2014, The Nutmeg News turned to New York City Art Critic Donalda Bristane to illuminate their attempt at a stadium installation in popular poster art.

Man, I just don't get art. Isn't this the two different views of the same thing?

 "The disparate lines give a truth to the melange of paint lending a pop sensibility to the pastiche of twenty-first century Revolution Fan style" said Ms Bristane after viewing the two banners. 

"What we have here are two poster art re-creation paintings that attempt to play on the pop sensation JAWS. They both attempt to convey a message of imminent doom for the opposition. Of course we must recognize that New England were first at using this particular methodology where the designer and painter pastiched the Jaws poster. What Seattle has attempted to do is lend gravitas to the copy of the copy of the original movie poster by taking a concept and then attempting to improve upon it. 

My reservation as an art critic in this medium is that what we see here is a copy of a copy of an original. So we must take a step back and decide whether this is a copy of a copy of a copy or whether this is just a copy of the original. That is, of course, in the eye of the beholder. Sadly for the artist in this case, primacy is everything. A million people have painted sunflowers since Van Gogh, but he brought them into the light with technique at that time. So, thusly, the Sounder tifo must be said as being derivative." 

When asked for her feeling on the impression that the Sounders tifo gave to her, Ms Bristane was blunt, " I haven't been this disappointed since Bjarne Melgaard’s 'The casual pleasure of disappointment' installation. I was left cold and wanting, like a slow rolling wave that creeps ever inward soaking the desolate parts of my soul. I give full marks to the artist for effort, however I do hope to see original works from all stadium installations in the future."

NWSL Players Excited For The End Of The 2015 Season, "Finally, I can make some money!"

Many National Women's Soccer League (NWSL) players have stated that they are happy that the end of the season is arriving so they can finally leave the league and make some real money.

The Nutmeg News spoke with some players on the condition of anonymity and this is what they had to say, "I mean, we all like playing for 7,000 a year and living with host families and relying on the team to provide everything since we don't have enough money to even afford a simple apartment, but I'm happy that the season is over so that I can start working at the grocery store bagging groceries and make a real income for a few months. The truth of the matter is that I have to work my ass off during the off season in order to save up enough money to keep my soccer career going."

Another anonymous player said the following, "I don't have any savings, and in another week I won't have any health insurance or coverage from the team. So I don't really know what to do. I mean, I'm glad that I can get a job at McDonalds that pays me more than what I was making to play 'professional' soccer but I've broke up with my girlfriend since I'll likely be traded in the off season and I don't want to try to sustain a relationship when I have no money, no way to afford an apartment and no chance of staying in the city that in which I'm currently playing. I am just going to move back in with my parents, again.... for the third  time."

Another player stated, "I suppose it is great that the USWNT players are all making over 300k, because at 29 years old I am losing that dream of having the chance of actually getting called up to make that big pay day. At this point, I'm just getting tired of grinding every day for absolutely nothing. We had to play every single game they were gone and they come back and don't want to play because they are tired? I'm just tired of not being able to afford peanut butter. I'm probably just going to try to get a club overseas and if that doesn't happen I'm retiring. I can coach soccer at a high school and make more money than this."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it continues.

Is The Taser Attack On A Fan At An NYCFC Game Proof Soccer Has Made It?

NEW YORK - A video circulating around the Internet over the weekend showing a NYCFC fan being tased by police at Yankee Stadium has been lauded by fans across the world as showing that Americans are finally getting soccer

"Now they realize that getting tased by the police for showing up to a soccer game is an integral part of the match day experience" said Miroslav Gaborik from Moscow, Russia. 

"Brave fellow standing up for his comrades like that and receiving the bulk force of the police. This is why we do not cooperate with the police" said Dmitri Sverdak from Belgrade, Serbia

"This is why we fight the police. This is why we go to the game. For the team and to fight." said Joao Portillo from Sao Paulo, Brazil

The Nutmeg News was on the ground at NYCFC versus Crew to conduct interviews and we were able to find out that the reason the fan was being tased had nothing to do with soccer. The fan was reportedly in the area of the police when he said "Derek Jeter sucks". This breach in protocol required the Police officer to repeatedly stun him with a taser as per the rules set forth for conduct in Yankee Stadium.

The fan in question was required to perform retribution to the fans he offended by his critical comments and was forced to watch the rest of the NYCFC game as punishment for his grave error.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it happens.

RBNY Fan 100% Sure That He Hates DC United, He Just Can't Remember Why

NEW YORK - Red Bull New York fan Brandon Hoegarden is absolutely certain that he hates DC United, but he just can't remember specifically why.

"Look, I know I don't like them. That we are certain. And there's been a lot of irritants of the past seasons, and reasons why any man could dislike, but I honestly can't remember the specific reason why this is the case." said Mr Hoegarden to The Nutmeg News on Friday.

"I don't like their kits, sure. I don't like where they are from, sure. But none of this added up to hate. Maybe it was my ex-girlfriend or something in the past that converted me from relatively apathetic to DC United to full blown hate, but somewhere in the last 20 season it just blossomed."

Mr Hoegarden's current wife, Sandra, said that as long as she has known him, Brandon has been confused and yet positive in his feelings about this game.

"I asked him once if maybe he was actually a DC United Fan with latent desires related to that club, but he was certain that wasn't the case. No, he said that he authentically dislikes DC United at a very specific level even if he can't remember what level that is."

The Nutmeg News spent 20 minutes trying to jolt Mr Hoegarden's memory regarding the different issues between DC and RBNY but that only served to confused him even further. 

"Look, of COURSE I dislike them because of the 2012 playoff series and that stupid Kenny Cooper penalty kick. Of COURSE I dislike them because Eskandarian exists, but I still can't remember when it morphed into hate. I mean, it is very possible that it might just be the formation of Heineken Rivalry Week that set up this hatred.  However, it could also be because of the 20 seasons of history between the two teams that slowly and efficiently built our rivalry into something that represents a white hot flame of disgust and hatred. Probably the Heineken though."

Man Swears That LAFC Exists

LOS ANGELES - Soccer fan Jonas Bravo recently announced to his friends that LAFC really exists despite all evidence to the opposite.

No, Mulder. There really isn't a public relations cabal dedicated to finding the authenticity of a club that doesn't exist.

Bravo's friends told him that his obsession with a club that doesn't exist is bordering on paranoid, but Bravo believes. 

"I've told them this is going to happen. The name of the club will be A.C. Los Angeles Football Club United FC and they will see. I've taken pictures, I have witnesses. There's a twitter account, I mean granted it's an old twitter account but YOU CANT FAKE THIS. I still want to believe. We are only months away from a stadium announcement. I'm telling you, this is happening. I mean why would it be fake... WHY? YOU TELL ME WHY?"

Despite his increasing protestations, Bravo has yet to see a schedule, game or stadium that make it look like this organization exists. While his insistence is purely on promotional photographs and videos, he admits that this is tough information to go on.

We spoke with Mr. Bravo's friend Mary Yaznes about his new obsession and she had the following to say. 

"It's a problem for everyone in his group of friends, now. He spends most of his time building dioramas of a stadium that doesn't exist and he keeps on talking about the beginning times and first kick. It's really unhealthy."

TNN asked Mr Bravo when he thought the "beginning times" were coming and he responded.

"GARBER WILL ILLUMINATE. He will tell all. It will likely arrive first in the form of a communique on twitter.  People will be shocked and possibly deny even then! Then there will be voices, and trumpets, and a hastily assembled dais with people who don't speak. IT WILL COME. YOU WILL ALL SEE. LAFC EXISTS! THEY DO!"

The Nutmeg News Announce NUT-CON, A Parody Of A Convention

The Nutmeg News are proud to announce NUT-CON, a parody of a convention. The Nutmeg News feels like this time in American soccer is a time to really cash in on the wallets of the supporters that so willingly give their money away to things like MLS Live which is never usable when you actually want to watch a specific game.

The Nutmeg News have decided that we will set ourselves up at the luxurious and spacious ballroom at the Carter Hotel in downtown Manhattan. We will be offering multiple non-discounted options for accommodation including bed bug ridden, disease ridden, and formerly used  as an opium den with the possibility of a used condom on the floor under the bed. The ballroom will be resplendently decorated with multiple paper hats available for great friends of the Nut (available for purchase). We do expect that our fans of the Nut will understand that the further you travel and the more money that you spend with our organization the greater fan you can call yourself. Those from Manhattan that are visiting are expected to tithe appropriately due to their sin of being local and attending. The correct donation will be at least $100 to avoid the shame of admitting that you didn't travel cross country for this shit show.

Tickets to NUT-CON will be $400 at the door, the proceeds of which will be donated directly to our organization through a shell company set up to make it look like a charitable process and NUT-CON will span three days.

Speakers available for Day 1 will be Clifton Pantheous, a man that we found on the street who once found some blow for a guy that looked like Shep Messing but definitely wasn't him. As well, we will have Roger Gooding, the foremost expert on transitive properties and the ability of "claiming a victory over European dominance by extension of a friendly victory against a weakened side still in the middle of obtaining their fitness during the pre-season tour". As well we promise to have a round panel on derivative NPSL supporters songs and whether one man is enough to be considered a supporters group.

Day two will include such panels as "Internet Trolling and you, the fine art of acting like a complete ass", there will also be "Soccer Puns and Jokes: what you should be aware of in your fan group in order to look in the know". TNN will present "Acronyms and You: how to know when you are being told to fuck off". There will be a three hour seminar on trolling European fans of a team during the transfer window regarding purchases of players that they think they need. As well, we will offer a class on "How to get yourself on television with Rachel Bonetta without looking too drunk while you are doing it."

Day Three will include a textbook example of how to use Emoji's and Animated GIF's to maintain a professional work experience while appealing to adderall injected internet scenesters who will totally follow your twitter account because of a well timed Xzibit gif.  As an added bonus, during day three we will berate you belligerently with statistics from the 1938 Hungarian national team with those getting questions wrong having to decide between 10 lashes of the bullwhip and reading Soccernomics aloud to a collection of snarky internet trolls.

The Nutmeg News will likely have more (or less) on this convention as it doesn't happen.

Area Man Admits: "Laura Harvey Is Pretty Smart, For A Girl"

Enumclaw, WA - Loudmouth, opinionated dick, and Seattle Reign fan Ricky Farnsworth admitted to a close group of friends today that the head coach and general manager of the Seattle Reign, Laura Harvey, "Is pretty smart, for a girl. She might even be smarter than I am at this NWSL stuff." This breaking news sent shockwaves throughout the small group of friends sitting on Ricky's back patio where they consumed large quantities of beer.

"I've been criticizing her for some time because she doesn't make the moves that I would make" said Farnsworth in a follow up Facebook post that was so long that it had one of those notifications to SEE MORE at the end showing his complete commitment to filling up your timeline with pure bullshit.

"But I can honestly say that after winning the regular season shield title for two straight years and building a roster that can compete top to bottom even while losing players to the Women's World Cup has convinced me that this broad can coach." He then paused to open up a cooler and pull out his seventh Rainier Beer of the evening.

He continued by stating that he became a Reign fan because, according to him, there was "Fit Chicks, Short Shorts, Cheap Tickets, and Beer."

While Farnsworth is clearly not a man who thinks about his words, he never-the-less became slowly convinced by the marching to victory of Harvey all the way to the NWSL playoffs and the shield. "I'm telling you, she knows what to do right now. I mean is it perfect? NO. We still haven't won the championship and I don't know that she possesses the ability to actually win the big one. I mean chicks knowing soccer? Now that's a new one for me. At least for the time being I'll lay off the lady knowing full well that somehow she managed to win all the games she needs, destroyed Portland, and put out a lineup that manages to win. This whole winning shit, shit... makes her at least 20% sexier to me."

When asked about his opinion on Seattle Sounders coach Siki Schmid he told us that he's a "Goddamned godsend and the greatest coach this league has ever seen and the only reason he hasn't been more successful is because of the goddamned refs. Harvey could learn a lot by following his example."

OP/ED: It's DARBY, America #RivalryWeekSponsoredByHeineken

Editor's note: Views and opinions expressed by the author do not necessarily reflect those of The Nutmeg News.

WAKE UP, AMERICA

By Graham Rutherford

It's time for your provincial selves to understand the etymology and pronunciation of the words that you use on a daily basis. It isn't Derby, it is pronounced Darby. It isn't soccer, it is pronounced Football.

Every day that goes by I see a thousand horrible usages and butchers spreading around the malfeasance known as American English. This game will not get any bigger until you start using the proper terminology pronounced the right way.

It is important to understand the beginning of the word Derby (editors note: pronounced darby) as it pertains to football. The lads had a kick about after the great war and announced that henceforth and forthwith we would pronounce it Derby as a way to  differentiate between the middle class and the lower class of English society. In this way the lower class could infect the upper class with mispronounced words that would greatly detract from the upper classes ability to enunciate clearly the idea that we are putting forth.

When you Americans pronounce the word DUUUURBY it only adds to the level of upper class elitism that infects the worlds game at a core level. This is making you all right prats. You don't want to be right prats, America. You want to be a lad about town spending your pence and feeling fancy free. You wouldn't piss on a pot of bovril before you handed it out to the lads on a cold night in Stoke, would you? Therefore you wouldn't take away the intricate dance of class warfare that huddles behind the linguistically glorious fires of Glastonbury on a night where we drink our tea and talk of the Queen's address.

This affectation of proper pronunciation will colour your speech in a way that is intricately obvious to the insider outsider of the Isles. We will know that you are a simpleton simply by your incorrect pronunciation. This is about HP Sauce and chips and crisps and having a kick about. Blow me down with your linguistic skills and I wont box your ears.

Therefore (and forthwith) dispense with DUUUUURBY and commence with DARBY! Be a lad, a bloke, a top man and journey with us English into 2000 years of sexual congress with the English language.

Pip, Pip!

Graham Rutherford

Terrible Writer Gets Job Writing About MLS Because He Is English

LONDON - Sports writer and trader of cheap cliches, Graham Rutherford, announced that he has recently been contracted to write about Major League Soccer.

"I'm going into this with the bare minimum of knowledge" said Rutherford to his facebook page on Wednesday. "I plan to start out with features like 'the United States would be better with Promotion and Relegation' and 'why don't American's take the game seriously'. These first few months to a year in the league is what I will call my learning period."

Rutherford said that his extensive knowledge of the Premier League will allow him to cast his own personal opinion on what happens in North America primarily because he has a British Accent.

"Yes, I speak the Queen's English. This allows me to talk about football in a way that is beyond that of a common man from New Jersey. You see, I have the ability to tell you without a trace of irony and pretension that they are playing football at a local derby (editors note: pronounced darby). Because of this ability, I have already been offered the ability to do my own podcast on Fox regarding the MLS and I plan on turning this into my own sideshow of idiocy."

Rutherford said that while he just recently moved from being an Arts critic in Wigan to covering Wigan Athletic for a local blog based out of London, that his extensive general knowledge that comes from simmering in the soup of British soccer helps him understand things that others might overlook.

"After the first year learning period, I plan on covering things like rivalries in MLS such as visiting the Cascadia Derby and the San Jose/LA derby. I'll probably write a 'club I'm going to follow' piece. At the same time I'll be pining for the glory days of watching good players, while simultaneously serenading the pluck of the North American player. Eventually I'll get a gig on television where I mispronounce the names of players before writing sanctimonious pieces on the 'state of the game' in North America using sweeping generalizations. I'm absolutely chuffed for this. Without the United States desperate need for football to be described in a British way, this wouldn't be possible."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it happens.

San Francisco Soccer Fan Invests Heavily in West Ham

San Francisco - Bay area resident Alex Rogan has announced his intention to take his support of his English Premier League team, West Ham United FC, to the next level and at the same time restructure his long-term investment strategy. We met with Alex to discuss his intentions.

“I’ve been a huge West Ham fan for a number of years now ever since I saw that IT Crowd episode where Roy pretends to be a huge soccer fan. Hammers forever! Well I’ve decided that I need to step up my support for them as buying scarves and paying ridiculous shipping charges just isn’t going to do it anymore. I need to directly affect their bottom line and help to bring in the best talent possible. The way I see it is that the best way to do this is to support their sponsor, Betway.com.”

Betway.com is an online betting company that provides services to bet on sports and casino games and whose sponsorship deal was the biggest that West Ham has ever had in their history.

“If I want the Hammers to get more money and more talent I’m going to have to support Betway so they’ll stick around as sponsors. Therefore I have decided to go all in and put my money where my heart is. I cashed out my 401k and have been placing bets on all the West Ham games this year.”

West Ham have lost three out of their first four games this season.

“Some will say that I’m down $20,000 in savings, but I don’t really see it that way. I see it as I’m up £12,740 in support for my team. Everyone says that they live or die by their team but how many of them can say that they’ll retire or not retire by their team? That’s support. Hammers forever!”

We contacted the West Ham front office to get their take on this most recent development and the official response was “What a pillock.”

Nutmeg News will continue to report on any future developments.

Freddy Adu Confident That A.C. Milan Isn't Even Close To Balotelli's "Last Chance"

Freddy Adu gave a phone call on Monday morning to Mario Balotelli expressing support after the owner of A.C. Milan said that the potential transfer of Balotelli to Milan would be his "Last Chance".

"Yeah, I just told Mario that it definitely wouldn't be his last chance" said Adu. "I mean there are opportunities everywhere in the world. China, Mongolia, Eastern Timor, Kenya, Sri Lanka, The United States, Brazil, Afghanistan, and Russia are all places where you can play. That doesn't even include Turkey, Canada, Switzerland, I mean there's no amount of small clubs in 2nd and 3rd divisions around the world that will give you a trial and a shot at cracking the starting 11 based on his resume alone."

The one time highly promoted player said that he gave Balotelli some advice on increasing his value even when playing, "You gotta play somewhere off the beaten path and always hint at coming to play in MLS or the NASL and then dismiss it outright. You can get at least one major offer this way and likely a number of different clubs will pay for you in the USL and NASL as well. I mean, if we think about the number of clubs in Qatar alone that would pay for Mario's service, it is staggering. I told him to make sure that you juggle your appearances in leagues that don't broadcast the games of the league you are about to transfer into. For Example: They don't broadcast the Serbian league in the United States and they don't broadcast Major League Soccer in Serbia either. It's a great way of increasing your mystique while ultimately spreading your prodigious abilities across the entire world."

Adu said that when Balotelli runs out of teams that want his service he can always tell everyone that he is considering his options, do a public relations puff piece interview with a faux-journalist about how he has learned from his mistakes and that he is better and more fit than ever now.

Adu stated, "Trust me when I say... there is always a way."

Your Hydration Explained In MLS Kits

You are hydrated. Good. Pee free and strong, my friend.

You are likely not drinking enough water. Didn't your mother tell you to drink more? There is the outside chance that you are at a soccer game and dehydrated from the weather and the $9 beers. If so, drink some water. If the water is also $9 drink out of the tap in the bathroom. Ignore this specific advice if in New Jersey

This is either really good, or really bad. If you see your urine start orange and go clear (like this kit) you may be eating foods that contain caortenoids, such as carrots. Of course if it stays orange you could also have a problem with your liver or bile duct. Did you also check the color of your stools? NOT AT THE URINAL, MAN!

We aren't sure how much diprivan you would have to take to get your urine this blue, but likely if you SEE it this blue you probably took too much. Oh wait, you had jello shots at the tailgate.... didn't you? Yeah, that blue dye, man.... PRETTY RAD!

Congratulations. You likely have a urinary tract infection. I mean, it could also be from food dyes, again, but you didn't have any green jello shots since you stopped visiting that bar that used to sell them because they threatened to start serving tapas and HELL NO you aren't going to accept that in your local bar. Stop the freaking gentrification, people.

You are likely dead. If you aren't dead yet, you likely will be mostly dead soon. Sorry.  The good news is that there's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive. Sadly, you are probably not mostly dead. If you are reading this and you ARE dead, please don't hold a grudge.

You better hope you ate a whole shitload of beets recently because the other options aren't entirely pleasant. Although those kidney stones will pass... eventually. Of course you may have also taken a bunch of laxatives, likely because you want to fit into the slimfit versions of these kits. A BIT SNUG.

Your urine COULD be brown because of that antimalarial drug, chloroquine, you took before you headed down to the Amazon on that trip earlier this year to recover the lost scepter of the dead amazon tribe. Slashing through the jungle in waist deep vines you find the golden palace but it is guarded by legions of semi-philanthropic but strictly anti-human anthropomorphic panthers with telepathy. Somewhere deep in the jungle far off in the distance a bird calls and you wonder if this drug will keep you safe from the teeming legions of mosquitoes. 

But it is way more likely that your urine is brown because you decided to put a metric crap-load of fava beans in your four alarm chili during your weekend at Lake Ontario. SPRING BREAK 2015! Or.... you exercised too much recently. Likely the fava beans.