Bruce Arena Speaks, "I Run This Fu%*ing League"

LOS ANGELES - From a mansion overlooking the city of Malibu, Bruce Arena released a bombastic statement after the LA Galaxy acquired Giovanni Dos Santos.

"I run this fucking league" said the coach and general manager of the Galaxy.

"I have 5 MLS championships, I have 3 coach of the year awards, I have 3 supporters shield trophies and I don't even give a shit about the supporters shield. I own all of your owners, your coaches and your league and you should feel bad. I brought in Robbie Keane, Steven Gerrard, and Giovanni Dos Santos to the same team. I had Pope, Agoos, Etcheverry and Moreno on DC United. I've won both conferences seven times. Hell, the league has only been around 19 years and I was gone for 8 of those years coaching the United States.  I sign the players you want your team to sign. I get the league to bend the rules so that my team can sign them. We need Giovanni Dos Santos in this league, did you not think that MLS would find a way so that we could get Dos Santos in this league? For Me? Absolutely. You can take your 'nice owners' or your 'accessible general managers' and put them right next to that blank spot in your trophy case. I'm already starting to think about back to back championships and there is no reason to think that we aren't going to be ready to compete this year and dominate the next. They talk about parity in this league? Fuck Parity. We take parity out back and pay it to go away. If parity is the Los Angeles Galaxy winning three out of the last four championships, then we love that everyone seems to believe in parity. Your front office has to scout harder, get up earlier and prepare more diligently just to get to the level that we are when we wake up in the morning. Now all must bow before the Bruce!"

Reports from Arena's compound indicate that he was feverishly dictating this screed while wearing a silk bathrobe and watching repeat viewings of Scarface. 

Giovanni Dos Santos To Buy And Sell DC United Roster

LOS ANGELES - New Los Angeles Galaxy midfielder Giovanni dos Santos has announced his intention to take a portion of his rumored 6 million dollar salary to buy and sell the entire DC United roster. 

"It is my goal to not only diversify my money; but, as well, eliminate the competition by buying and selling all the players on DC United and then with every other team in the league until there is only the LA Galaxy left." said dos Santos in a press release.

Given that the Giovanni dos Santos rumored transfer of 7 million dollars alone is more than all but three teams paid for their entire roster during the 2014 season, the Mexican midfielder and national team stalwart should have no issue buying and selling nearly every team in the league.

Dos Santos also announce the foundation of a new initiative in the league for young players, "I also plan to start a Gio's Kids charitable foundation to help pay and subsidize young players throughout the league that are not even making enough money to live on their own. We plan to start with our first player, Jack McBean, and give him a scholarship that will allow him to flourish as a professional outside this league. It is important to give these young players a chance to leave this league so they can come back as a player from overseas and make a truck load of money due to that distinction."

The Nutmeg News will have more on the Giovanni Dos Santos transfer.

Fans Confident That Player They Have Never Heard Of Will Be Great

Portland, OR - Timbers fan Gene Braydon is absolutely confident that Lucas Melano will be utterly fantastic for the Timbers despite never having heard of him or seeing him play before.

"The team is interested in him, which means he will be great. They wouldn't spend time getting him if he wasn't great. From all sounds, he is going to be five times as good as Diego Valeri and possibly double the player that Fanendo Adi is, currently." said Braydon to his customers at his local brewpub that were visiting from St Louis and don't particularly care about soccer at all. "I spent a few minutes watching his youtube videos online and much like every other player that has ever existed with a youtube video, he looks utterly fantastic in a selectively edited and put together 2 minute clip online."

With the possibility of spending over 3 million dollars on a player that hopefully will pay the team back before he transfers to another international club, Melano is currently the most looked up player on Transfermarkt. 

"I know everything about him" wrote part-time Timbers blogger and human resources manager Steven Forsythe. "Or at least I know everything that I can get from running Spanish language articles through google translate and trying to watch the few games that I can get online. This makes me an expert and one good enough to tell everyone around me how good or not good this player will be that none of us knew about until 4 days ago. On a scale of Marquez to Messi, I'm moving him firmly towards Messi by at least 10 Zlatans."

Meanwhile, fan Sandra Rumineto has taken the practical approach, "He's going to be as good as any player that would agree to a move to Major League Soccer at a young age. Which is to say that I'm not expecting Lionel Messi, but would be happy if he could even get close to Bradley Wright Phillips."

Fan Outrage Over Meaningless Accolade For Meaningless Game Brings Out The Inner Nihilist In All Of Us

Fan outrage over the selection of Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard for the MLS All Star Game has been shown to bring out the nihilist in all of us as we search for our own meaningless meaning in a world of radically self inflated worth that is really just ultimately futile.

"All the consternation over the commissioner's picks underscore the very fact that the Major League Soccer All Star Game is 100% worthless in every measure save for the fattening of the wallet of the bourgeois elite" said director of pessimism for the Brookings institute John C Scott.

"Even those measures of making money are ultimately useless as we all die and turn into the ground and the dirt eventually melts away into the apocalyptic cataclysmic solar events that turn any kind of something into a permanent kind of nothing after a few billion years."

Despite the upbeat news from Mr. Scott, there are those that still try to couch their concern for this meaningless annual tradition in the realm of actual competition. However, as TNN found out by speaking with James Erastmus (professor of symbology, numerology and phrenology at the university of De Vry) this ideal of the All Star Game is really a cover for someone's burgeoning nihilism

"Their very act of admitting that they care about something they should have no care about is itself a disturbing and erotic act of anarchy. We all know this to be true, that All Star Games have no inherent meaning. However, the basis of that meaning is brooked by those who actually pretend to care in the first place. It is an artificial value, a raised and insider traded commodity. We all know this to be true and we try to force our own moral constraints on the ideals of the All Star Game. The sooner that we accept that which we know, that the All Star Game is devoid of meaning save to make money for those that already have money, which is itself a nihilistic task, then the sooner we can obtain a true perspective in the negative space of the world."

While this all seems like a load of shit, The Nutmeg News has been able to confirm that out of this MLS ASG trouble a new form of fan has come into being, Ecumenical Ultras Against Form (EUAF). The EUAF will assist others in the uniting under one faith of the rejection of all faiths, primarily that of the atavistic belief in All Star Game.  The EUAF will help unite and then disperse all believing ultras into the world of nihilistic petty belief that (in fact) the Major League Soccer All Star Game truly does mean nothing. Their important work begins with the rejection of meaning in ASGs combined with wandering in a circle around a town hall hitting oneself in the face with a stack of uncounted alternate selection ballots for Giovinco while muttering in low guttural tone, "LI-AM.... RIDGE-WELL.... STE-VEN.... GER-RARD....FR-ANK.... LAM-PARD" Once allowed into the brotherhood you are never allowed to enter an online vote for any all star game, even to screw over the members of the team that is your rival as this still inscribes the value of value rather than that of non-value and meaningless trite pap.

And this is something we can all believe in.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this (I mean maybe, it really means nothing) as it happens. 

(or not)

Giovinco Speaks, "If I Knew MLS Defenses Were This Crappy, I Would Have Come Over A Lot Sooner."

TORONTO - Sebastian Giovinco is on a roll. The diminutive Italian leads Toronto FC in nearly every single offensive category including goals, assists, shots, and shots on goal. The Nutmeg News asked Giovinco a few questions about the success of the season and his views on the league as a whole after the wild 4-4 Toronto v NYCFC game this weekend.

TNN: "What has your experience been in the league so far?"

GIOVINCO: "If I knew MLS defenses were this crappy, I would have come over a lot sooner."

TNN: "What do you attribute your massive success to this season?"

GIOVINCO: "Well, I say first that it is my skill, but it certainly helps that players in Major League Soccer don't know how to mark players out of the game, close down on the ball and follow players through the box efficiently."

TNN: "Can you tell us the difference between playing for Juventus and playing for Toronto?"

GIOVINCO: "The primary difference has been that I play a lot. It is important to play and to start every game. At Juventus I was on a team with players like Pogba, Pirlo, Buffon, Tevez, and Chiellini. Here at Toronto I am currently playing with players like Chris Konopka, a player who only once in his career had played more than 10 games over his ten years. The difference is startling. However, the difference is on both sides of the field. I can just run and score with abandon.

TNN: "Thanks for the interview and we hope you have a great end to the season."

GIOVINCO: "Thank you, and in my next game, I'm going to try for 3 assists to change things up."

Hipsters Abandon Soccer As Popularity Increases

Hipsters the continent over have started to abandon soccer as their de-facto "game of the people" after a recent boom in popularity within the United States and Canada.

Social dynamics, better access to games, a shift in the viewership demographics, and more of a television presence mean that soccer has obtained  a grip on the tender social contract that we all exist with, everyday.

Recent statistics indicate that viewership of the Women's World Cup skyrocketed in 2015 with the major soccer leagues in the United States and Canada gaining a small number of viewers as well. Recent tours of North America by major European teams in anticipation of the English, Spanish, and Italian leagues kicking off cranked anticipation to an all time high for soccer viewership and this has turned off the hipster to the sport immensely.

The Nutmeg News spoke to some hipsters about the situation.

"Well, this was my sport" said John St. Claire "I liked it before it became popular. I had Italian newspapers sent over to my house, even during the internet age. However, it has become very clear that soccer has become popular, even if it isn't at the level of the NFL in our country. I just can't find the time these days to care."

When asked about what sport he is now the most interested in St. Claire had the following to say, "Well, I looked around at everyone my age that is young and cares about sports and I asked them all what they liked. Not one person said baseball, so I'm going to jump on that bandwagon with both feet. It's all about Japanese baseball and statistics these days. I've started reading a lot of Bill James so I can talk about advanced math in Japanese Baseball and I'm watching a lot of documentaries on the Japanese game."

At the same time St. Claire said he is trying to learn more about the Yomiuri Giants and the supporters culture of his new team. "they are just more cultured, including noisemakers and chants and supremely organized skill. This is all Bushido based samurai culture, clearly. I watched the Criterion collection of Forty-Seven Ronin last night and it all parallels."

While the trends may have changed, one thing has not and that is St. Claire's love of something before everyone else has experienced it. "Everybody knows about Zlatan and Messi now. Everyone knows about St Pauli and even Dulwich Hamlet. No one knows about Tetsuya Utsumi and Hirokazu Ibata. I'm back in love."

The Nutmeg News will have more on these cultural changes as they happen.

Dropping Acid Is the Only Way One Fan Can Watch FrankLampard Play For NYCFC

Long Island, NY - After hearing the news that Frank Lampard would again be delayed in making his debut for New York City FC, fan Simeon Goddel decided that the only way that he would be able to watch the City Financial Group player would be through the use of copious drugs.

"I took a crap load of acid, had a friend of mine turn on a Manchester City game and just pretended like they were playing against the New England Revolution until I believed it." said Goddel. "It was amazing. Lampard was life, color and taste all rolled into an electric god-being descended from heaven. He played with the power of 10,000 mules and NYCFC won by 36 goals that had the look of raspberries."

While Lampard is sidelined again after his inexorable transfer delay from the beginning of the season, Goddel said that he plans on repeating his trick until he sees the player on the field for NYCFC. 

"If this is the only way that I can see Lampard play for my team, then I'm going to continue watching old replays of him playing and taking copious amounts of Acid until the sky blue of City melts into the sky blue of New York City"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this story as.... whoa.... dude........ ..... yeah.....

Simon Borg Rides USWNT Parade Float So That Appropriate Soccer Fans Will Be Represented

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer blowhard Simon Borg announced, today, that he would ride on a USWNT float during the MLS SUCCESS AND WORLD DOMINATION CELEBRATION OF OTHER STUFF AND OH YEAH THOSE WOMEN THAT DID SOME STUFF IN CANADA parade in order to have an appropriate fan displayed so that people wouldn't be turned off.

"It was important for me to show that the people who should be supporting soccer (that is old men) are still supporting soccer in this country. If a nation of people only saw women they would know that this is crap because women cannot be supporters. Women should be in the kitchen making pies and talking about tea, not supporting soccer. Without men in women's soccer it will never grow to the appropriate level."

Borg, who was once suspended by Major League Soccer for making ignorant comments on women who watch and support soccer, said that while he personally dislikes the women's game that it is up to men to bring the sexiness to the sport in any way possible.

"Women should be seen and not heard. I should be heard and seen. It's the best of both possible worlds. I'm here to show that I'm here and that I should be heard. I'm also here to tell all those women out there that are cheering for soccer and painting their faces and rooting for sports that this is all dramatically unsexy. We need more sexy. I am that sexy. I bring the sexy."

While there were reports of complete apathy towards that bald and bearded dude that was riding on a float waving at an army of people he categorically insulted just recently, one fan was not so apathetic, "He's a dick, and he can go fuck himself" said Carlotta Smith.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it happens.

With His Career At A Crossroads, It's Time For Adu To Try Working At A Waffle House

What next for a player who, at 26, should still have plenty of soccer left to play? His only public statement simply said he was pursuing "other opportunities", but sources have told The Nutmeg News that options have emerged with The Waffle House, a growing business that just might be able to provide the stable environment he has been lacking for some time.

The big question now is whether Adu would actually be willing to work for The Waffle House. There has been a sense for some time that Adu sees The Waffle House as being beneath him, and even below options in lower European leagues. That's a sense born out of past social media messages posted two years ago that may have seemed harmless, but that came off to many as being dismissive of the American waffle chain.

While Adu may not have seen The Waffle House as a realistic option two or three years ago, he should absolutely be looking at it now, not only because he has few other attractive options after his time in Serbia and Finland, but more importantly because The Waffle House is a growing franchise that is significantly stronger than it was even in that two to three year time frame. It is a diner that now has the type of financial stability to build stronger teams and has more owners who aren't afraid to invest in their employees.

That may be why multiple Waffle House teams are now interested in trying to sign the playmaker, who enters the summer transfer period as a free agent. Sources tell The Nutmeg News that several Waffle House markets are interested in his services, but it remains unclear whether Adu is ready to listen, or ready to work for The Waffle House.

And what of MLS? Sources within the league tell The Nutmeg News there is scarce interest in his services because of perceptions about his past stints in MLS, as well as the fact that there just aren't many teams with the available cap room and particular need at attacking midfielder to take a flier on a player who hasn't played much in the past three years.

That sort of gamble is a much more reasonable one with The Waffle House, where employees aren't constrained by a salary cap, and where Adu's still-tangible marketing appeal makes him an attractive option. Yes, Adu is still a player who generates an incredible amount of emotion among American soccer fans, whether positive or negative. In fact, it can be argued that, even as disappointing as his past three years have been, he has more fans than most American soccer players.

Journalist Desperate To Get Hot Take Written and Published On USWNT Parade HubBub

Journalist Edward Granderson spent most of Thursday morning blitz-writing a piece on the US Women's National Team parade and the ramifications of what this parade means as it pertains to feminism, women's place in society, sports as it relates to the feminist perspective, the reality of life through an unfiltered lens and the overarching effect of the inclusion of parade floats in an attempt to be the first hot take on the subject before he would be expected to actually do an in depth piece with accuracy.

"I gotta get this shit out, and FAST!" said Granderson. "I've got an editor that is expecting people to be turning out the hot takes on this and I need to either be at the crest of the wave or I'll have to be the guy that 'comes at this with a fresh perspective' which is just absolutely exhausting."

Granderson said that while he loves writing, that the realistic function of his job is to find outrage and report on it in a fashion which will generate page views and clicks for his companies website.

"If you are trying to be the first hot take column out there, it isn't necessary to be accurate. You just have to be first. If you are the second column on the issue you need to be precise, if you are 10th you need to be ultra bombastic. IF you are the 100th, you just need to regurgitate the news item to a new audience. If you are the person who writes a piece in three weeks about this, you need to be in depth, long form and so elegant with your language as to make people call your piece thought provoking. It's a very delicate battle. I, personally, just want to go get some dinner from the grocery store, do some laundry and get home at a decent time which makes it all the more important that I get this piece out first."

Granderson reportedly kept messing up the spelling of heroine, exasperated, and whether there was an I or a Y in Sydney Leroux as he frantically flailed at his keyboard for 2 hours before finishing his piece.

US Women's Victory Parade To Be Re-branded As "Salute To Major League Soccer"

NEW YORK - It was announced today that the United State's Women's World Cup Championship parade would be re-branded as the "Salute To Major League Soccer" victory parade featuring some women who did something in Canada.

"We are going to have floats for Red Bull New York, New York City FC, Don Garber, a float made out of the money that we were supposed to send to Rafa Marquez, and a float made out of unused allocation money from the Chicago Fire over the last 10 years" said president of Major League Soccer (MLS) Mark Abbot. "We plan on really getting the crowd going with our branded DJ K!CKS, brought to you by Allstate, who will spin tunes for the parade route down the canyon of heroes as Frank Lampard and Mix Diskerud gently gyrate in a slightly awkward manner next to each other on another NYCFC float made out of recycled Alex Rodriguez doping papers."

While the United States women did win the World Cup just recently, Abbot doesn't see this as a reason to give up the spotlight in New York City. "Of course we will have themed floats for our clubs here. It is important to seize the spotlight whenever we can and co-opt every moment that has anything to do with soccer in the United States as a whole. Plus, women soccer players can't be trusted to bring in the crowds. We gotta put some lads on some branded floats in order to get the eyeballs on the parade."

TNN asked women's soccer player Carli Loyd what she thought about the recent development, "I'm not surprised. I mean, they were always going to probably figure out a way to screw us out of the adulation that we have earned over the last few months. It makes absolutely no sense to have branded club floats in a parade for something that we did."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this stupid development as it happens.

Red Bull New York Assure Fans They Will Take International Champions Cup Friendly Seriously

NEW YORK - Red Bull New York have issued a press release to assure fans that they will set a high priority on the meaningless International Champions Cup friendly against Chelsea. 

"Red Bull New York is synonymous with taking our competitions seriously which is why we will prioritize the International Champions Cup game against Chelsea over other meaningless competitions. Granted we are playing the day before, but no game means more to us than our high profile game against the English champions. This ICC game is the way in which we prove our standing on the international football scene and as such we will give every measure to beating Chelsea."

While Red Bull New York play in the US Open Cup the day before their game against Chelsea, it appears that this game is an afterthought to the higher profile Chelsea game. 

"We will have far more attention and fans in the stands for Chelsea than the US Open Cup game and we intend to make sure that we do not disappoint them. This ICC game will be a nationally televised event that will ultimately have a large financial gain for us. I mean,  roughly 1,000 people actually care about beating Philadelphia anyway," said RBNY public relations director Dean Granziec.

Fan Lashes Out At Stolen Chants, "They Took Dale Cavese From Us"

Despite the song "Dale Cavese" being used by fans of Besiktas, Ajax, Boca Juniors, Swansea, Lokomotiv Moscow, Stevenage FC, Derby County, Western Sydney Wanderers, Hradec Kralove, and (of course) S.S. Cavese 1919 (just a few that can be named among a massive number of clubs worldwide), new San Jose Earthquakes fan Francisco Corta was upset to find that it was used elsewhere in Major League Soccer.

"They stole our song" said Corta to his 48 followers on Twitter. "Bunch of unoriginal thieving bastards."

Having never been educated on the history of the songs that he sings nearly every weekend, Corta was under the impression that this song was an Earthquakes original. "Wait, you are telling me that nearly every single song sung by nearly every single fan group is lifted from some other location? Wouldn't that make all the songs that we hear sung at North American soccer games unoriginal copies from somewhere else reducing the need to have pointless arguments about the originality of group songs in North America? This can't be!"

Corta immediately took to reddit and twitter with this information only to find out that most people didn't care and just wanted to pointlessly argue about the minutia of their seemingly original songs and who did it first.

"Well, I ended up with over a hundred followers from all this drama, so I guess there is a positive lining to everything."

Sanctimonious Twitter Know-It-All Excited For Targeted Allocation Announcement, "This is My Time To Shine!"

Twitter know-it-all, blogger, faux-insider and information regurgitation machine,Stephen Braden, announced that he is absolutely thrilled with today's announcement of the Targeted Allocation rule addition. 

"This is my time to shine!" said Braden to friends. "I don't know really anything about this rule other than what I have been guessing about for the last few months on my twitter account and passing off as real information to my followers" 

Braden admitted that he is going to scour and devour all the information on the new rule addition and then tweet with 100% certainty about how other people are wrong on the details of the rule. He has decided to do this incessantly and relentlessly so that he can be certain that everyone out there knows he is the absolute authority on the new rule change.

"I'm going to make certain that everyone knows that they have to come to me for all the possible ramifications on the Targeted Allocation rule addition. Despite most of the rules in the league being very malleable, it is possible to present yourself as the expert on something that most of the General Managers and owners in the league only learned about a few days ago." 

Hope Solo Beats World, No Charges Pressed

Vancouver, BC - Goalkeeper Hope Solo was found to have beat the world recently instead of her relatives and crowd analysis has shown that the general public is ready to forgive her for nearly everything now.

The Nutmeg News was able to obtain quotes from the populace at large the reflect the shift of viewing Solo as a drunken violent offender to a World Champion hero.

"She is a legend and icon to people everywhere" -- Sandra Duquense of Myrtle Beach.

"I can't wait to show my daughter pictures of her winning the world cup and hide all the stories about her arrests and the problems with her piece of shit husband" -- Brad Felton of Green Bay

"This is someone who has persevered and achieved. I can't wait for the redeeming Hope Solo movie." -- Jeremy Koenig of Santa Barbara

"It tells me that no matter how hard you try to hit your sister and nephew, that if you win the World Cup, all is forgiven" -- Theresa Alston of Lakewood

Solo's publicist has said they will continue to move to a redemption and learning story line followed by a heavily publicity tour and a few endorsement deals.

"I'm just telling her to keep her head down, talk about the team and let Abby Wambach take all the grief." said publicist Jimmy Franz. "This is the best way we can monetize her new found respect and bury that time that she and her husband were arrested in the team van when they took it and went drinking and driving."

MLS Announces 30% Paycut Across All Non-DP Player Salaries To Pay For Pirlo And Dos Santos

NEW YORK - Major League Socer (MLS) today announced a 30% paycut across all the non-dp player salaries in an effort to pay Andrea Pirlo and Giovanni Dos Santos.

"These non-dp players are never going to be able to go play anywhere else. They are really one step above concrete bags that we use to stop flooding." said President of Major League Soccer Mark Abbot "We hope that they understand that in order to get quality you must pay for quality and that money has to come from somewhere."

MLS headquarters announced that 30% of the total salary paid to a player will be sliced off their remaining paychecks and any of the players making the MLS minimum will be waived, their salary collected and any 401k savings will be dispersed among the other clubs in order to settle the costs for bringing in Dos Santos and Pirlo. 

"This is an important step in our evolution from utilizing underpaid workers to rise the ranks of leagues, to actually utilizing their financial assets and casting them aside for better players who exceed the cap because they are worth exceeding the cap to get them." said Commissioner Don Garber. "We basically got the idea from an extended movie night of Logan's Run, except here we are just eliminating the low paid players that make up a large swath of our teams. I mean, we love players over 30 as long as they are not from here."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as our crystals change to red.

LA Galaxy Players Unaware That Their Form Is Being Dictated By Fans Superstitions

LOS ANGELES - The players for the Los Angeles Galaxy are reportedly unaware that their win loss form is directly related to the superstitions of Galaxy fan Eduardo Ramirez.

"wait.... you want WHAT from me for WHAT reason?"

The Nutmeg News spoke to Mr Ramirez about this strange occurrence, "It was May 22nd, and I put on black socks instead of white socks before heading out to the game against the Dynamo. We won 1-0 and this is when the blessing of the black socks began."

Ramirez then wore the socks again in a victory against Real Salt Lake and a draw against New England before the Galaxy lost to Vancouver. "We lost against Vancouver and I thought the magic ran out. However my friend Josh pointed out that I had also been doing a shot of fireball pre-game before the matches and I didn't do that before the loss to Vancouver."

Ramirez then worked his Fireball and Black Sock charm in a draw against Columbus and wins against Philadelphia and Portland. Suddenly a Galaxy loss to hated rivals San Jose riled up Ramirez world, "Well, I thought we had lost the charm, that wearing black socks and drinking fireball before the match had expired. Those were some dark hours man, but then my friend Hector reminded me that I had also been naming all the goal scorers from the wins at the tailgate before the match and my friend Jason reminded me that I had also been doing a spin while singing "aint nothing but a hound dog" before the matches that we won and that I hadn't done this at all before the San Jose game because I was too nervous."

Rameriz current complicated game day ritual is to put on black socks, switch them out for white socks and then put black socks on before driving to the stadium or bar to perform 2 shots of fireball, recite all the goal scorers from the Galaxy wins, do a twirl while singing "aint nothing but a hound dog", counting backwards from 10, recite a portion of the Emancipation Proclamation, eat 5 hot dogs, and finish by singing the second verse from Juanes "La Camisa Negra" slightly modified for the La Galaxy.

"All I can say is that the Galaxy won against Toronto 4-0" said Ramierz "I just have to keep this streak going to the end of the year and we will see ourselves champion of Major League Soccer again."

Excited Fan Wants To Know When The Women's World Cup Starts

Tallahassee, FL - After four Schmirnoff Ice premium malt beverages, soccer fan David Estrada loudly proclaimed,  on Sunday night, that he was excited for the Women's World Cup to start.

"I'm excited to see the women's world cup kick off and to support the United States" said Estrada at the tail end of a riotous Women's World Cup watch party. "So, when does the tournament kick off?"

A proud American Outlaws member, Estrada spent most of the evening talking about how America would kick everyone's asses while couching all of his vitriol in reference to the wars that the United States has been engaged in for hundreds of years. "We are going to drop the bomb on Japan and really kick Germany's ass just like we have for thousands of years" said Estrada to a shocked group of fans wearing USA jerseys. 

Reportedly Estrada was put in a cab and sent away after making a number of people at the party very uncomfortable but he woke up the next day searching the television channels for the Women's World Cup without finding anything on television.

"Some day, it'll be on television. When it does, I'll be at hooters cheering on the girls."

Players Sweating Their Face Off Are Convinced That Fans Are Half-Assing It In The Stands

With the recent heat rise in the west, more and more Major League Soccer players are convinced that their fans are faking their enthusiasm and not giving 100% for the team.

"It's fine, guys. I'm just working my ass off down here while you pound beers and yell at me to run faster"

"Here i am, running around on the field with reckless abandon, getting stuck in and playing my heart out on the field and there is Joe Lunchbowl drinking carbonated water in the stands. He is not singing, not waiving flags and generally looking like he doesn't give a shit. We respect the badge, we fight for the badge but you just spend the entire first 45 minutes shoveling nachos into your mouth and talking about that dry heat in Phoenix as a way to show how badass you were in freshmen debate team when you had to perform on the road. Fuck off with that weak shit. I'm running on burning grass in the blinding sun trying to stop a 21 year old 1% body fat Ghanaian from scoring, but yes.... chat about your day working at the Diamond Shamrock?" said one anonymous player.

"If they want to just stand there and do nothing they should get sent down to the USL or GTFO out of our league. We are about giving 100% for the badge and 100% for the fans in the stands, but they are just taking advantage of our loyalty and our literal sweat as we work our ass off on the field for those lazy pricks." said another anonymous player.

Things got so bad recently that some of the players coming off the field demanded that the fans return their scarves and clothing as a sign of protest against their decaying institution of support. "This is bullshit. We are the ones running around and they are just harping relentlessly on bringing in water bottles and scheduling concerns. Let's see them running around in the heat for 95 minutes and then we will talk. I want that supporters kit and I want him to realize that he owes everything to me. "

The Nutmeg News will have more on this development as it happens.

OPINION: Surge In Hot Take Acrostics Leaves Mobile Users In The Dark

The Nutmeg News accepts opinion pieces and letters to the editor as part of our community outreach policy. Today's opinion piece comes from Norwood Thurgood, a resident of Shady Acres reconstitution center. We have no reason to believe he ever conducted an interview with Brad Friedel.

"Professional player Clint Dempsey should find a way to not be such a colossal jerk" said

Recently retired affectation indulgent British millionaire Brad Friedel.

"Of course, I wouldn't have done something like that in my day, which was the 1920's

Making our moves on the dance floor and waiting for new Cole Porter releases."

Of all the recent interviews on the Dempsey situation, Friedel's has proven the most

Technical and absorbing giving all reporters a pause as to the methodology and message

In this new world of journalism it begs the question, who is responsible for a hot take?

On the balance of information given, it appears that we all are. Which is of course correct.

Now the main thrust of the issue is to figure out how to hot take your hot take 

& how to cold roll your hot take into a new stratosphere of indulgent self flagellation.

Really the most important thing is to imagine a topic so incendiary that adding fuel

Everywhere will result in the largest most expansive bonfire that has ever been

Lobbed into the depths of places like Big Soccer. This is a location where

Everyone is an acolyte of the one true god that is Ted Westerveldt and while he is

God man in the holy trinity of divinity, we must remember that he also

Attempts the impossible, that is the living troll, the breathing troll, the long form

Troll that inundates the mass of the medula in a way that brings about change

In our lifetime the way Steve Urkel was able to change Carl Winslow's love into an 

Onomatopoeia like oink. IT's all connected, MAN. Benghazi, contrails and associated 

News articles that masquerade as collected conspiracy theory realists!