NEW YORK - It was announced today that the United State's Women's World Cup Championship parade would be re-branded as the "Salute To Major League Soccer" victory parade featuring some women who did something in Canada.
"We are going to have floats for Red Bull New York, New York City FC, Don Garber, a float made out of the money that we were supposed to send to Rafa Marquez, and a float made out of unused allocation money from the Chicago Fire over the last 10 years" said president of Major League Soccer (MLS) Mark Abbot. "We plan on really getting the crowd going with our branded DJ K!CKS, brought to you by Allstate, who will spin tunes for the parade route down the canyon of heroes as Frank Lampard and Mix Diskerud gently gyrate in a slightly awkward manner next to each other on another NYCFC float made out of recycled Alex Rodriguez doping papers."
While the United States women did win the World Cup just recently, Abbot doesn't see this as a reason to give up the spotlight in New York City. "Of course we will have themed floats for our clubs here. It is important to seize the spotlight whenever we can and co-opt every moment that has anything to do with soccer in the United States as a whole. Plus, women soccer players can't be trusted to bring in the crowds. We gotta put some lads on some branded floats in order to get the eyeballs on the parade."
TNN asked women's soccer player Carli Loyd what she thought about the recent development, "I'm not surprised. I mean, they were always going to probably figure out a way to screw us out of the adulation that we have earned over the last few months. It makes absolutely no sense to have branded club floats in a parade for something that we did."
The Nutmeg News will have more on this stupid development as it happens.