MLS Announces 30% Paycut Across All Non-DP Player Salaries To Pay For Pirlo And Dos Santos

NEW YORK - Major League Socer (MLS) today announced a 30% paycut across all the non-dp player salaries in an effort to pay Andrea Pirlo and Giovanni Dos Santos.

"These non-dp players are never going to be able to go play anywhere else. They are really one step above concrete bags that we use to stop flooding." said President of Major League Soccer Mark Abbot "We hope that they understand that in order to get quality you must pay for quality and that money has to come from somewhere."

MLS headquarters announced that 30% of the total salary paid to a player will be sliced off their remaining paychecks and any of the players making the MLS minimum will be waived, their salary collected and any 401k savings will be dispersed among the other clubs in order to settle the costs for bringing in Dos Santos and Pirlo. 

"This is an important step in our evolution from utilizing underpaid workers to rise the ranks of leagues, to actually utilizing their financial assets and casting them aside for better players who exceed the cap because they are worth exceeding the cap to get them." said Commissioner Don Garber. "We basically got the idea from an extended movie night of Logan's Run, except here we are just eliminating the low paid players that make up a large swath of our teams. I mean, we love players over 30 as long as they are not from here."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as our crystals change to red.