Fox Sports Adds Landon Donovan To Studio Team

LOS ANGELES - Desperate to put people to sleep before games, during half time, and after games, Fox Sports added Landon Donovan to the studio to comment on games.

"We know that MLS Legend Landon Donovan's ability to state plain facts in a wooden manner is unparalleled in American soccer, and we hope that we can combine his commentary with a sponsorship for Unisom to really help North American sleep problems" said Fox director of programming Julio Desansanza. 

"MLS Legend Landon Donovan's voice helps bridge the gap between the readily awake and the snoring heavily asleep. We count on this to make people fall asleep and leave their channel on Fox Sports for higher ratings."

The Nutmeg News reached out to Donovan for comment and he had the following to say, "I'm so happy about MLS Legend Landon Donovan's appointment. MLS Legend Landon Donovan is going to be fantastic talking about MLS Legend Landon Donovan and the horrifying reality that Major League Soccer no longer has MLS Legend Landon Donovan."

TNN spoke to man on the street Timothy Stephens, a 25 year old bank teller in Chula Vista, for his comment on the appointment and received the following, "Well, Goddammit."

God Blesses Hollingshead, Curses Santiago

Granite Bay, CA - With the announcement of Ryan Hollingshead being drafted into FC Dallas after taking a year off to build a church, God, the almighty ruler of the Universe is feeling frustrated and betrayed. God’s current plan is to take out his wrath on Pedro Santiago, an eight year old aspiring soccer player from Guerrero, Mexico who lives in a house made out of pallets.

More Old Testament, Less New Testament

“You know, I set Ryan up perfectly.” God says. “I had him born in Granite Bay, California, a city whose median family income is over $100,000 and whose demographics are over 90% white. I even got him into UCLA and saved him from countless car crashes and career ending injuries. I did all this so that he would get used to living a privileged life instead of holding down a normal food service, retail, or office job. That way he would be more inclined to join the ministry and go to work for me. The God industry needs the money that Ryan could raise. I showed him the possibilities of this by speaking to him and convincing him to take a year off his life to go build a church.”

Ryan took a year off of soccer and working to go and assist his brother Scott in building a church where Scott would be the head pastor.

“So he and Scott get done with the church,” God continues, “and I think that this is the time where he’s going to realize that ministry life is far easier than anything else and will go on to serve me. But no. What does he do as soon as the church is built? He goes right back to soccer. At this point there’s nothing I can do, I messed up and Ryan is now way too blessed by me to stop him so I’m going to have to make sure that this doesnt happen again with someone else. I’ve decided that I am going to punish Pedro Santiago, a kid who I was planning on blessing with some amazing soccer talent and would have hit the big time. I’m going to make sure that Pedro doesn’t throw away his life kicking a ball around like Ryan did.”

TNN was able to track down Pedro Santiago in the town of Guerrero, Mexico, a town with an average personal income of $5,000 a year. We found Pedro using his fingernails to scratch out pieces of recyclable glass out of garbage piles to earn a few cents to get a meager amount of food for the day. When we asked Pedro for a comment we were only offered Chiclets to purchase.

Despite Excitement Of Season Starting, MLS Players Disappoint Nearly Everyone

WASHINGTON - Major League Soccer (MLS) Players voting on the Collective Bargaining Agreement disappointed nearly everyone when they took the offered deal from MLS ownership on March 4th. 

"It was important to get something down on paper because ultimately we were terrified of striking and lacked the will power to do anything about it", said player representative Jack Jewsbury.  "We knew that once we decided to not strike and came back to negotiating on Wednesday we were utterly screwed, so we begged Major League Soccer for a deal and then decided to celebrate by having the rookies pick up an 18 pack of Miller Light."

Players Union representative Graham Zusi had the following to say, "It was important to get ours, even if that means ensuring that every young player coming into the league for the next five years will be held hostage by MLS Ownership's draconian single entity laws. I mean, I got mine and I'll be near retirement or over in Europe, hopefully, by the next time the CBA decision rolls around. Free agency for GZ in three, baby!"

Fans had an entirely different perspective and despite the enthusiasm of the season starting, they were very pointed.

"If they were going to cave for half cooked concessions than I don't know why they didn't just extend the current CBA and continue on the same path", said D.C. United fan Frank Vicenze. "I've developed a healthy dislike of the players because they toyed with everyone for so long before caving at the last minute."

MLS Ownership was buoyed by breaking the union's resolve at one of the only points in Major League Soccer history where the players union actually had an upper hand.  

"We had a ticking time bomb of two MLS expansion teams opening up, 60,000 people in Orlando, we were caught red handed with the Audi sponsorship notification, we managed to announce more sponsorship deals for our league and clubs during the players negotiation than in the previous 5 months combined, and yet they fell for our dog and pony show convincingly" said Clark Hunt.

"We will make sure that these players get nothing going forward because they broke like fine china when the heat was on. During the next CBA, we are going to limit free agency even more and hire a PR team to fix our devastating cock ups in the media".

MLS Players Union leader Bob Foose was succinct, "We held all the cards, the owners shot themselves in the foot with every possible bullet they had and we, the players, just fucked it up." 

Fans that supported Major League Soccer's ownership were especially disappointed with the players. TNN interviewed Eddie Haide, a 33 year old plumber from Brooklyn, who said,"It was a complete waste of time and energy and all the players union did was succeed in showing their impotence. They signed up for this MLS gig and they tried to ruin the season."

MLS Ownership toasted their success with champagne and yelled at unpaid interns to smash effigies of Union leadership in joyful celebration. They finished out the night by hoisting Don Garber onto their shoulders yelling "10 more years... 10 more years"

Sky Sports To Send Reporters To Cover CBA Deadline Day

WASHINGTON - Sky Sports will be sending three reporters to various cities across the United States to cover the Collective Bargaining Agreement deadline day.

Citing a recent lack of dildo antics and general background male on male sex acts in their broadcasts, Sky has reportedly embedded reporters in New York City, Washington DC, and Los Angeles in an effort to film fans reactions to the final collective bargaining agreement release.

“After the great internet response to our coverage of the Premier League deadline day, we decided that interviewing uneducated people in the United States about complex labor issues in their local soccer league would increase our daily viewership and make ourselves feel better about things”, said chairman of North American television rights William Darrowshire. "Plus, think about the kinds of dildos that can be shoved in our reporters ears in the United States! Great big ones with stars and stripes painted on them and fireworks exploding out the end! Glorious dildos that play the national anthem as they vibrate in tune with the crescendos!"

Las Vegas was reportedly one of the sites floated by Sky Sports as a potential target but was dropped because reportedly Sky Sports were afraid that they would be forced to cover Rupert Murdoch's alleged secret sexual dungeon underneath the strip that is filled with life size, anatomically correct wax sculptures of Margaret Thatcher.

Petty Man With Twitter Account Tells Everyone How It Is

Raleigh, NC - Part time soccer blogger and full time human resources assistant David Ramsey has some very specific opinions about life, the collective bargaining agreement and the fans of North American soccer.

"I'm right about so many things, and it angers me that more people don't know that", said Ramsey in an exclusive interview.

"It irritates me to no end when people get up in arms about things that I don't mind. For example, ownership is right most of the time, the coverage of the sport in the US is great, and the players in the collective bargaining agreement don't know how good they have it. Why, anyone anywhere can live on $37,00 per year. Not only that, but I know people who make far less money digging ditches and cleaning puke out of hedges. Shouldn't we think of all the atrocities in the world first before we think of soccer? I tend to think war, famine, poverty and global peace is more important than soccer. Players should be thinking of the hundreds of thousands of people dead of cholera in the 1800's and settle the Collective Bargaining Agreement. I deserve to see games, I deserve to be in the stadium, I don't care what the players get paid or what restrictions they have placed upon them. This is about my enjoyment, after all, and I deserve it"

Mr. Ramsey's twitter account, by his own admission, is used to inform people that are wrong how wrong they actually are.

"Groups of fans who get outraged about the things they are passionately interested in are the worst thing in North American soccer. It is important for me to be ahead of the curve and if someone is outraged about something I am against their outrage instantaneously. There is no room for sheeple in this game. I have to be against what they are against from the beginning. The only thing worse than fans who get outraged are fans who get outraged about fans that are outraged about things. If it happens that fans are outraged about other fans being outraged, I then ensure that I spend most of the day on twitter making snarky, pithy and dispassionate comments about the fans that are outraged and the fans who are outraged at their outrage."

TNN can confirm that friends of Mr Ramsey think he is a complete asshole, but they have been hanging out with him too long to just leave.

ESPN Takes Stand Against Players Union

Bristol, CT - North American Sports television station ESPN took a stand against the Major League Soccer (MLS) Players in solidarity with the MLS Owners on Tuesday issuing the following statement.

"While we like soccer money and soccer eyeballs (within reason this is America after all) we also like the owners and the billions of dollars they put into football, basketball and baseball even more. Let's be clear, 85% of our staff doesn't even care that North American Soccer exists outside of the US Men's National Team and the staff that does care like to either ritualistically trash the league against the perspective of American sports jingoism, frame a debate against the established European leagues, or is confined to a 30 minute show so that we can say we pander to the soccer crowd.

From this perspective we stand with the owners and we hope that they screw the players out of every possible  option that they could receive. Also, we will report very rarely on this Collective Bargaining Agreement confining it to small portions of our soccer specific show and minor blurbs of information about it here and there. Look, we have basketball drama and players thinking about Major League Baseball spring training on which to report."

In solidarity with ESPN, MLSSoccer.com has decided to not report anything at all, ever.

NYCFC Announce 50 Shades Of Grey Theme Night

NEW YORK CITY - New York City FC announce 50 Shades Of Grey Theme Night after requesting fan input on Theme Nights.

The NYCFC press release states that all participants in the 50 Shades Of Grey Theme Night will receive autographed Sheikh Mansour zip ties, a NYCFC branded flogger, and a set of ben-wa balls made with locally sourced stone from the Hudson river. Each set of ben-wa balls will be hand autographed by Derek Jeter and David Villa. The safe-word for the evening will be Lampard, and the club will have costumed servers available for drinks and paddling.

TNN has verified that in accordance with Sheikh Mansour's personal beliefs, no same sex BDSM mingling will be allowed at Yankee Stadium on 50 Shades Of Grey night.

Major League Soccer Announces Final Fantasy Soccer

NEW YORK CITY - Major League Soccer (MLS) today announced a radical new partnership with Square Enix Global which will change the way in which MLS Fantasy Soccer will be played.

Brek Shea, pictured here, will have an ability to summon a Chocobo, for added speed.

“Today, Major League Soccer is going to move into the next millennium in terms of our online entertainment division and we have partnered with the most iconic Japanese Role Playing Game developer, Square Enix Global, in order to facilitate that”, said MLS director of fantasy games Ronald Dupris.

In a detailed press release the front office announced,in conjunction with Square Enix, a complete reconfiguration of all the data points in fantasy soccer including revamped statistics, methodology and game play in a way that would please even the hardest gamer nerd fan boy.

“Major League Soccer games will no longer depend just on goals, assists, and defensive performances, but rather on Hit Points, Mana Points, PVP battles, spells, enchantments, thrown items and whether or not you cast the correct spell at the right time to reflect attacks back at your opponent.”

An example of this is at the CDM position where players like Jermaine Jones  will have an HP of 300 with a MP of 400 and the ability to cast “Wall” (where he reflects magical charges) as long as someone like Dom Dwyer doesn't cast a break spell, which will totally lead to Jones' wall being dropped before Dwyer casts Meteo and smashes the back line apart, that is until Gonsalves tries to cast Ultima which TOTALLY blows up in his face because Benny Feilhaber has actually been summoning Bahamut in the background which owns, OWNS, Ultima point blank and leads to a goal, which generates a ton of XP for your team and allows you to equip them with Celestriad (The Economizer) which makes any player cast spells for 1 mp.

MLS also announced that Final Fantasy Soccer will contain multiple stories lines, managed by the front office, hidden characters that may transfer into your squad, and completely insane player acquisition methodology that hinders your squad when you are about to go in and face a final boss. Also, all MLS emergency squad players will be renamed to Cid and everyone who plays Final Fantasy Soccer will finish the game with the 46 elixers, 100 shurikens, and a spare Jalil Anibaba that you thought you would need at some point.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as players debate whether or not they REALLY need to use a cabin during the All-Star break.

LA Galaxy Honor Sponsor, Herbalife, With New Kit

Carson, CA - LA Galaxy unveiled their new team kits this week with a photo shoot to honor their kit supporter Herbalife. Cindy Pinoz, the liaison for the LA Galaxy creative department, was on hand to give insight and answer reporters questions.

“With all the success the club has had over the past few years we felt it was time to give tribute to a company that has provided years of support and like our team has grown strong and stable and will endure for many years. I don’t think I am way out of line to say that Herbalife is truly the company that represents LA Galaxy.

To capture this image our marketing department envisioned our two enterprises as being pyramids standing firm in the sand. We initially had the idea of flying the whole team over to the great pyramid of Giza to have the players model the kits but with middle east politics such as they are this was not going to be feasible. In addition Bruce Arena and our fitness staff were very Mad off our request to take players away just before the season starts.

Our creative team refused to give up and continued to scheme on how best to tie in this image of the pyramids. They then presented the idea of having a shoot in the sand and letting the name itself “Herbalife” represent a pyramid.

The plan was to drive out to the California desert but gas prices have increased too much over the past couple weeks and there are no electric car charging stations on the way. We then brought in some our creative team interns to sit with our senior members so we could come together with some true multi-level marketing. In the end we just decided to go 20 minutes over to the beach and just throw the kit on the ground and kick some sand on it and take a few pictures of it.”

Liga MX, NWSL, NASL, USL, NPSL, PDL, MASL, USASA, PCSL, Ligue1, and PLSQ announce that they will be starting on time.

A joint press release from Liga BBVA Bancomer MX, Acenso MX, Segunda Division de Mexico, Tercera Division de Mexico, the National Women's Soccer League, the North American Soccer League, the United Soccer League, the National Premier Soccer League, the Premier Development League, Major Arena Soccer League, the United States Adult Soccer Association, the Pacific Coast Soccer League, League1 Ontario, and the Premiere Ligue de soccer du Quebec announced today that they will be starting their seasons on time.

"We formally would like to announce that we currently have no labor strife and that our leagues will be starting their respective 2015/16 seasons on time." said the press release. 

This announcement means that Major League Soccer (MLS) is the only North American league currently with the possibility of delaying their upcoming season due to the current impasse between management and the players union. 

The press release finished with the statement, "Additionally, to clarify further rumors, none of us will be employing Freddy Adu this season, as well."

60,000 People In Orlando To Watch Bargaining Agreement Death Match

Orlando, FL - Orlando City Soccer Club today announced that they sold out the entirety of their ticket stock at the Citrus Bowl, 60,000, for their first ever game in Major League Soccer (MLS) on March 8th, 2015. Given the current labor impasse with Major League Soccer and the MLS Players Union, Orlando City announced that instead of a game of soccer they will split the players and the MLS Front Office staff into two groups and have them fight to the death.

"The idea really came about when Brek Shea was stoned, watching gladiator and painting while on holiday in Stoke-on-Trent in England", said Orlando City director of gladiatorial pursuits and water park development Rambone Jamison. "We decided to give both sides the chance to decide the fate of Major League Soccer in a mine filled, trap engorged, arena of death with lions and bears ready to leap on any stragglers that attempt to escape."

Contestants will be given the opportunity to pair with each other and work as a team, as long as it doesn't involve crossing picket lines and working as a scab. Contestants who wish to increase the odds against the other team can take 4 doses of very high potency, locally sourced Orlando acid which will reduce the number of weapons that the other team has to use against them. The usage of lawyers will be strictly disallowed, as this may cause both teams to turn on their common enemy before settling their own labor disagreement.

If no winner can be decided after 90 minutes, then the two sides will settle their labor dispute with a game of extreme tiddlywinks.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this situation as it develops.

The Nutmeg News Poll Of The Week Results - Week Of 2-23-15

The Nutmeg News Poll Of The Week results are in for the business week of February 23rd, 2015.

In response to "Which Place Will Get An MLS Team Next?'", the message and mandate was clear.

With an overwhelming 48% of the vote, the majority of you said Somewhere 20 Miles Away From Miami.

he Nutmeg News can report that it received, oddly enough, a mail in ballot from a D. Beckham that was a vote for, and we quote, "New Jersey because those assholes wont let me build a stadium that has live dolphins underneath a glass floor as a playing surface".

Also, much like Stan Kroenke's attention, "Actually In Denver" received limited attention with a scant 3% of the vote. Most of those voting for that option were from Denver themselves.

Drag Superstar Latrice Royale Called To Help Orlando City Soccer Club

Orlando, FL - Drag superstar Latrice Royale was called to Orlando, Florida after the mascot for Orlando City Soccer Club, Kingston, failed in an attempt to do his own makeup.

"We knew something went wrong when Kingston walked out of the bathroom and the whole office gasped. This wasn't good by any standard and there was only one person who could fix the problem", said director of mascot relations Heather Appleby. "We immediately called in the professional talent of makeup expert and drag superstar Latrice Royale."

BEFORE/AFTER

The Nutmeg News found out that when Ms Royale was approached she was originally going to turn down the job. "When I first saw that makeup I thought to myself of the five G's. GOOD GOD GET A GRIP GIRL. That is just some busted drag makeup right there. There's blending and shading, and then there is falling face down into a vat of foundation and concealer. But I figured that Kingston was a sexy cat that could use my help."

Orlando City released a notification saying that Kingston, with Ms. Royale's help, will attempt to blend the features of his costume into something not so horrifying by first kick.

Altidore Shows His One Touch Football Prowess

TORONTO - Jozy Altidore is no stranger to controversy having been both prolific at goal scoring in the Eredivise and lacking at goal scoring in the Premier League, La Liga, and the Turkish Super League. However he is showing a new dimension to his game, that of the ability to play the game with only one touch.

“This idea of one touch football started during my trip to Sunderland and I hope to really polish this technique to a fine point with Toronto FC. With Gus Poyet and Paolo di Canio, I really worked hard to play the game with only one touch, either a pass or a shot towards goal. I am hoping with Toronto that they will continue to let me play the game of playing slightly offside, dragging back the defensive centerback pairing and attempting to find the game by wandering side to side until half time comes”, said Altidore.

“We tried to work on the idea of limiting touches to limit my touch and to try to only have the ball touch my foot once in a game. The idea of Asceticism in soccer came from my devotion to the practical application of non-violence towards all living and nonliving creatures. I am able to show my devotion to Asceticism by avoiding striking a ball, a human or the net with violent force. Whether it be one goal, one assist, no goal, no assist, I feel it is best to try to play the game with only one touch of the ball”

Altidore, during Toronto’s pre-season, stuck to his ideals by only contributing one assist and 0 goals during the stretch of limited games that he has played.

Dell Loy Hansen Conducts Bombastic Interview

Salt Lake, UT - Speaking on the topic of player wages, free agency and owners concerns, Real Salt Lake (RSL) owner Dell Loy Hansen was found by the tabloids to be dressed in an all black suit, a top hat, and a curled mustachio. 

This persona was such a serious departure from the norm for Mr Hansen that The Nutmeg News reached out to him to ask why there was such a change.

BEFORE:

AFTER:

"Well, the owners of Major League Soccer (MLS) wanted to send a message that we will not be taken advantage of by the indentured poor that we employ in our services. If they wanted a living wage then let them work in the fields, in the hospitals or in the one of my many opportunities with property development. Why back in my day a man could live comfortably for the rest of his life on 36,000 dollars."

When asked about his quote from a recent ESPN700 interview  "When you look at all the owners, they've all been in pro basketball, baseball, football, and that (ED - FREE AGENCY) was the one thing they all vowed they'd never do is go through that again."

Mr Hansen replied, "Look, we are a collection of mostly paunchy, ego inflated, rich, white guys. None of us want to A: Give up complete control of the league, B: Spend our own money and C: have to open ourselves to the criticism of owners that free agency brings. It seems stupid when we control everything about this league to give up control. We tell the players where to go, we tell them where they live, we tell them where they can play or not, I don't give a flying fuck about the little guy, instead lets eat some caviar off their backs. PROFITS, my good man. Wait, is this thing being recorded?"

Mr Hansen then yelled "CURSES, Foiled AGAIN!" and abruptly hung up the phone.

Financials Dictate North American Soccer Teams Twitter Usage

Due to constraints in their “pay by the word” contract, Major League Soccer, USL, NASL and NPSL teams social media managers have been forced to use silly animated GIF’s to express emotion. Recent examples of this include Orlando City SC using a Stone Cold Steve Austin GIF and Sacramento Republic using a Late Night With Jimmy Fallon GIF

“We have a strict pay by word contract that indicates that any tweet length in excess of our monthly quota will be met by a penalty. I’ve been storing up GIF’s from Wrestling, Movies, and inappropriate moments in live television to use for the last six months”, said  Sacramento Republic Twitter manager Ralph Ventura.

Even though the financial differences between an MLS club and an USL club should be vast, MLS twitter account managers felt the crunch as well.

“I was told that we could only use 1000 words for the month of February and by the time I got done with the first pre-season game we were already feeling the word shortage, so I just got creative around  Valentines day and started mocking up stupid Valentines with our players names as puns.” said Inez Barthez, Twitter manager for the Philadelphia Union. “I’m planning on spending the entire month of March communicating by emoticon and picture to avoid overshooting the word budget.”

The Nutmeg News has been able to confirm that certain Liga MX teams like Pachuca and Xolos reached out to a number of multilingual MLS and USL twitter managers to get them to switch leagues. One social media manager who wished to remain anonymous had the following to say, “Sure you might not get paid on time, but that one paycheck you receive is more than you would make in 5 months with Major League Soccer. Plus, you have an unlimited word budget! Kiss my GIF’s goodbye!”

Children Pledging Allegiance To The US Men's National Team

Tuscon, AZ - Border towns across the southern United States have implemented a new classroom pledge of allegiance in an effort to create unity in the classroom, raise national pride, and create an indoctrination process for young children that plants support for the United States Men’s National Team (USMNT) firmly into their psyche. The official pledge is as follows:

"I pledge allegiance to the Men’s National Team of the United States of America. And to the unity for which it stands, one team, under Klinsmann, with Dempsey and Omar for us.”

The pledge has been having some unintended consequences as Ava O’Conner, a fifth grade teacher at Alabaster Elementary School in Tucson, Arizona discovered. “We have always told the kids that if they see something, say something. I used to think that the kids really aren’t paying attention to us but Jared Weiss, one of my fifth graders, proved me wrong.”

The Nutmeg News talked to Jared about what transpired. “Well, when we were doing the pledge I noticed that this one kid, Miguel, wasn’t saying Dempsey and Omar but was replacing their names with  Hernandez and Ochoa. I didn’t really think anything about it at first until I looked up the names on my phone and learned that they were players for Mexico’s national team. I told my friends Jimmy and Mike and then word spread really fast.”

“I found a group of about fifteen kids surrounding Miguel at recess the next day,” says O’Connor. “As I walked over I could see that they were pushing Miguel back and forth between each other chanting ‘Dos a Cero! Dos a Cero!’ I let it go for a minute before finally intervening. I broke up the scuffle and then marched him straight to the principals office and had his parents called in. Well it turns out they were actually illegal immigrants and they were all arrested and sent back home to Mexico. We decided to give Jared extra recess for a week.”

The Nutmeg News talked with Jared’s father, Marco, who was very proud of his son. "All the kids need to understand that if they want to be part of this country they have to support this country’s national team. This is God’s country and God’s soccer team. You’re in America now. We call them jerseys, fields, and goalies. If you can’t speak American Soccer you can just go back to your own country.”

Don Garber Blasts Detroit City FC

Detroit, MI - In a recent conference call, Don Garber went on the record over his concern with Detroit City FC.

"They are simply having too much fun for an NPSL game" said the commissioner of Major League Soccer. "These games are supposed to be a tortured, dreary affair before a sparse crowd on a rec-league field that only serves as a dire example of what they could have if they were an MLS franchise. However, you look in the stands and it looks fun. This, to me, is a major problem. Soccer fans in North, North America are expected to be encumbered with concerns about league television ratings, clandestine agreements over allocation money that no one outside the ownership groups can measure, single entity issues, and bizarre player acquisition methods. They should not be buoyantly cheering for their city unencumbered by our league baggage."

Garber continued in his statement, "It's almost as though Detroit doesn't need Major League Soccer, and we know that isn't the case. While clearly they are having some kind of fun, it is very much a minor league kind of fun. They'll never make it to the top of the league if they don't start dreaming bigger than Detroit City FC. Imagine what fans in Detroit could do with 20,000 people in an 80,000 person stadium like the Silverdome with $20 parking and the league owning their rights."

The President and deputy director of Major League Soccer, Mark Abbot, agreed. "You look at the success we have had with creating brand new teams in Portland, Seattle, Montreal, Vancouver, Orlando and it becomes clear that Major League Soccer knows how to create fun new teams around the league. These teams are now our cornerstones and it is in no small part due to Major League Soccer, who put those teams and cities on the map. 20,000 people in Portland and 40,000 people in Seattle is due to our marketing, our ability to sell fun, and our ability to bamboozle the general public into paying stadium creation and improvement taxes with our ability to hide how much money our investment teams actually have. Detroit could have all of this and more! A publicly funded stadium somewhere in the suburbs, pay for parking, a new kit every year, a new badge, even a new management team that is more inclined to vote yes in lockstep formation with management issues on our board, it could be a brand new start and a team from scratch, just like in Montreal!"

The Nutmeg News will continue to cover any potential development in the MLS to Detroit story.

Seattle Sounders To Temporarily Replace 'Sound Wave'

Seattle, WA - While the Seattle Sounders' marching band and pep group "Sound Wave" are on a six country European oompa music tour, the Sounders' front office will replace them temporarily for the 2015 season. 

"We decided to go a completely different route this season with Sound Wave fulfilling their contractual duties in Bavaria and beyond", said entertainment manager Blythe Donner. "Now that we know our audience, we are going to bring in experimental Electronic Dance Music (EDM) artist DJ KattzzNBlastzz for all our 2015 home games." 

DJ KattzzNBlastzz is well known in Europe for his experimental techniques involving dramatic light and laser shows, stage actors, triple mounted de-tuned MOOG synthesizers, as well as incorporating Italian accordion folk music into all his shows. 

"We felt that we wanted to really bring up the 'event' status of Sounders' games, so we have given control of the entirety of the north end and the Hawks Nest over to DJ KattzzNBlastzz. There will be a restricted dress code entrance, laser lights, fog machines,  and we have obtained permission from Major League Soccer to play EDM music over the public address system for the first 10 minutes and last 10 minutes of every 45 minute period during every match this season" said Donner.

The Nutmeg News was able to speak with DJ KattzzNBlastzz at his home in Tampa, Florida.

"This shiznay is gonna be off the hook! It's dope, its wild, It's gonna be sliding right all game long jus' like Tinder! We are gonna break your neck and getcha on the dance floor for the Sounders. Forget that Rave Green, we gonna be Rave City. Do you feel me, bro? It's gonna be hashtag awesome."

The Nutmeg News was able to confirm that the Sounders' Front Office will also be turning over National Anthem duties to DJ KattzzNBlastzz. 

"Yeah, bro! I've got a dope 12 minute Trance version of the national anthem that people gonna feel. It's gonna blow Jimi out of the water. Peace, Jimi!"

DC United Fan Worried About Possible Strike

Richmond, VA - D.C. United fan Ronald Westing is finding the talk of a Major League Soccer (MLS) players strike difficult to comprehend.

"I want to watch United play on opening day, but if they don't start the league on time I don't know what I will do", said Westing to a Nutmeg News reporter. "I don't want to watch lower league soccer like the USL and NASL because the play is terrible, I don't want to go watch the Richmond Kickers in person because it isn't cool, whats a fan to do?"

Westing indicated that if he can't watch MLS games that he will resort to only watching the Barclay's Premier League and the UEFA Champions League.

"My time will be split between Manchester City in the Premier League and Barcelona in the Champions League. Look, I may tacitly support DC United, but that doesn't mean I should subject myself the the USL, I've got standards to keep up here. Granted, I've never watched a USL game in my life and I can drive by where the Kickers play in about 15 minutes, but if God wanted me to watch a USL team he would have given us promotion and relegation. I'm a top flight man, and that's the way it stays."

When asked about watching Liga MX teams Mr Westing had the following to say, "Do I look like I speak Spanish?"