Orlando, FL - Orlando City Soccer Club today announced that they sold out the entirety of their ticket stock at the Citrus Bowl, 60,000, for their first ever game in Major League Soccer (MLS) on March 8th, 2015. Given the current labor impasse with Major League Soccer and the MLS Players Union, Orlando City announced that instead of a game of soccer they will split the players and the MLS Front Office staff into two groups and have them fight to the death.
"The idea really came about when Brek Shea was stoned, watching gladiator and painting while on holiday in Stoke-on-Trent in England", said Orlando City director of gladiatorial pursuits and water park development Rambone Jamison. "We decided to give both sides the chance to decide the fate of Major League Soccer in a mine filled, trap engorged, arena of death with lions and bears ready to leap on any stragglers that attempt to escape."
Contestants will be given the opportunity to pair with each other and work as a team, as long as it doesn't involve crossing picket lines and working as a scab. Contestants who wish to increase the odds against the other team can take 4 doses of very high potency, locally sourced Orlando acid which will reduce the number of weapons that the other team has to use against them. The usage of lawyers will be strictly disallowed, as this may cause both teams to turn on their common enemy before settling their own labor disagreement.
If no winner can be decided after 90 minutes, then the two sides will settle their labor dispute with a game of extreme tiddlywinks.
The Nutmeg News will have more on this situation as it develops.