God Blesses Hollingshead, Curses Santiago

Granite Bay, CA - With the announcement of Ryan Hollingshead being drafted into FC Dallas after taking a year off to build a church, God, the almighty ruler of the Universe is feeling frustrated and betrayed. God’s current plan is to take out his wrath on Pedro Santiago, an eight year old aspiring soccer player from Guerrero, Mexico who lives in a house made out of pallets.

More Old Testament, Less New Testament

More Old Testament, Less New Testament

“You know, I set Ryan up perfectly.” God says. “I had him born in Granite Bay, California, a city whose median family income is over $100,000 and whose demographics are over 90% white. I even got him into UCLA and saved him from countless car crashes and career ending injuries. I did all this so that he would get used to living a privileged life instead of holding down a normal food service, retail, or office job. That way he would be more inclined to join the ministry and go to work for me. The God industry needs the money that Ryan could raise. I showed him the possibilities of this by speaking to him and convincing him to take a year off his life to go build a church.”

Ryan took a year off of soccer and working to go and assist his brother Scott in building a church where Scott would be the head pastor.

“So he and Scott get done with the church,” God continues, “and I think that this is the time where he’s going to realize that ministry life is far easier than anything else and will go on to serve me. But no. What does he do as soon as the church is built? He goes right back to soccer. At this point there’s nothing I can do, I messed up and Ryan is now way too blessed by me to stop him so I’m going to have to make sure that this doesnt happen again with someone else. I’ve decided that I am going to punish Pedro Santiago, a kid who I was planning on blessing with some amazing soccer talent and would have hit the big time. I’m going to make sure that Pedro doesn’t throw away his life kicking a ball around like Ryan did.”

TNN was able to track down Pedro Santiago in the town of Guerrero, Mexico, a town with an average personal income of $5,000 a year. We found Pedro using his fingernails to scratch out pieces of recyclable glass out of garbage piles to earn a few cents to get a meager amount of food for the day. When we asked Pedro for a comment we were only offered Chiclets to purchase.