Despite Excitement Of Season Starting, MLS Players Disappoint Nearly Everyone

WASHINGTON - Major League Soccer (MLS) Players voting on the Collective Bargaining Agreement disappointed nearly everyone when they took the offered deal from MLS ownership on March 4th. 

"It was important to get something down on paper because ultimately we were terrified of striking and lacked the will power to do anything about it", said player representative Jack Jewsbury.  "We knew that once we decided to not strike and came back to negotiating on Wednesday we were utterly screwed, so we begged Major League Soccer for a deal and then decided to celebrate by having the rookies pick up an 18 pack of Miller Light."

Players Union representative Graham Zusi had the following to say, "It was important to get ours, even if that means ensuring that every young player coming into the league for the next five years will be held hostage by MLS Ownership's draconian single entity laws. I mean, I got mine and I'll be near retirement or over in Europe, hopefully, by the next time the CBA decision rolls around. Free agency for GZ in three, baby!"

Fans had an entirely different perspective and despite the enthusiasm of the season starting, they were very pointed.

"If they were going to cave for half cooked concessions than I don't know why they didn't just extend the current CBA and continue on the same path", said D.C. United fan Frank Vicenze. "I've developed a healthy dislike of the players because they toyed with everyone for so long before caving at the last minute."

MLS Ownership was buoyed by breaking the union's resolve at one of the only points in Major League Soccer history where the players union actually had an upper hand.  

"We had a ticking time bomb of two MLS expansion teams opening up, 60,000 people in Orlando, we were caught red handed with the Audi sponsorship notification, we managed to announce more sponsorship deals for our league and clubs during the players negotiation than in the previous 5 months combined, and yet they fell for our dog and pony show convincingly" said Clark Hunt.

"We will make sure that these players get nothing going forward because they broke like fine china when the heat was on. During the next CBA, we are going to limit free agency even more and hire a PR team to fix our devastating cock ups in the media".

MLS Players Union leader Bob Foose was succinct, "We held all the cards, the owners shot themselves in the foot with every possible bullet they had and we, the players, just fucked it up." 

Fans that supported Major League Soccer's ownership were especially disappointed with the players. TNN interviewed Eddie Haide, a 33 year old plumber from Brooklyn, who said,"It was a complete waste of time and energy and all the players union did was succeed in showing their impotence. They signed up for this MLS gig and they tried to ruin the season."

MLS Ownership toasted their success with champagne and yelled at unpaid interns to smash effigies of Union leadership in joyful celebration. They finished out the night by hoisting Don Garber onto their shoulders yelling "10 more years... 10 more years"