Disappointed Columbus Crew Ownership Bemoans Playoff Win

Columbus, OH - The owner of the Columbus Crew, Anthony Precourt, stated that he was disappointed in the 4-1 victory over NYCFC and disappointed in the referees who clearly were biased against NYCFC.

"This game was rigged against NYCFC and I intend on voicing my protest against the Columbus Crew win," stated the owner of the Crew. "NYCFC were the better team and that red card was just a love tap. I don't even see how you can toss someone out for an elbow. What is an elbow? It's like complaining about an arm, or a leg."

Precourt was reportedly not worried about angry fans chanting against his ownership as he stated, "Fuck those guys, their team and their town," and called down to the field to tell Gregg Berhalter to pull half the team away from their defensive responsibilities for a talk about wonderful condominiums available around Lake Travis.

"This game was a farce. Columbus deserved nothing. I'm having my team collect the tapes and show them back at the commissioners office to examine how Columbus was always offside on their goals, and that at least 5 players should have red cards on their team. Don will understand.... he always does."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as an irate Precourt demands that the Crew lose game 2 in New York.

Neutral Now Convinced Of The Benefit Of A Single Knockout Playoff System

Tampa, FL - Soccer fan and neutral observer Jaime Hendrickson stated that he was now convinced on the benefit of a single knockout playoff system after falling asleep watching the slugfest of the Vancouver Whitecaps and the Seattle Sounders.

"Is it over? Can I go back to watching Stranger Things 2, now?" asked Hendrickson to his cat Leeroy. "Ugh, I can't wait for the Premiership to come back next weekend. This sucks."

Reportedly, Hendrickson long advoctated for the home and away two-legged system of playoffs until the Seattle/Vancouver drudgery at which point he realized he didn't need another 90 minutes of watching this game. 

"Yeah, just no. I don't need another 90 minutes of this. As a matter of fact, if the other games are anything like this than I understand EXACTLY why television ratings for this league are poop."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the next Vancouver/Seattle game is terrible as well.

"Oh God.... Not Another 30 Minutes Of This," States Everyone Watching This Game

The entirety of soccer fans watching the Houston Dynamo play Sporting Kansas City sighed deeply and stated, "Oh god.... not another 30 minutes of this," as they wondered if they could just get to the penalty kicks this game deserves.

"I have things to do, why the hell am I watching this," stated 30% of soccer fans watching the game.

"Ok, screw this," stated another 10% of the soccer fans watching the game.

"DEAR GOD MAKE IT END," stated another 20% of soccer fans watching the game.

The Nutmeg News will have less on this because..........ugh............ look.... It won't rain all the time, see that's a quote from The Crow. Let's talk about that. You folks remember The Crow? There's been a discussion among the writers here about whether the movie holds up. Not that the production values are bad, but what does it say about us a society that we've just accepted this goth industrial phase happened and then stopped happening but for a select few.

Everyone loves Kung Fu, though. EVERYONE. WHO DOESN'T?

Anyway, another really bad tackle. Oh great. There's more of this shit? DEAR SWEET DEITY ABOVE JUST END THIS. 

Wait, Houston doesn't have any subs left until extra time? Bet this makes a difference...........and it doesn't.................. sigh.

Chicago Fire To Move To Austin, Texas

Insider sources within the league state that the ownership group of the Chicago Fire, Andell Holdings, alongside the commissioner of Major League Soccer, Don Garber, filed a motion to move the Chicago Fire to Austin, Texas in 2019.

"We didn't have the turnout we expected at the last playoff game," stated owner Andrew Hauptman. "So I've decided to exercise a clause that I had in my Fire ownership contract that states that I can move the Fire to Austin, Texas if we have a playoff game with less than 15,000 people."

Averaging only 2,000 more people a game in 2017 than Austin Crew United, the Austin Fire admitted that they were disappointed with their season and eager to move.

"This is all the fans fault," stated Hauptman. "We blame them. If the fans were better, this wouldn't be a big issue."

When asked for a comment on Hauptman's statement, Don Garber stated, "Andrew is correct. This is all the fans fault and if the Fire wants to move to Austin, we will let them. We could use 2 teams in Texas. It's a big state without any soccer, currently."

10's of local Austin soccer fans turned out on the internet in response to the news that the Fire were moving to Austin as they claimed the city could absolutely support two MLS clubs.

"Despite losing our club, twice," stated Austin soccer fan Yancey Thiggins. "We are absolutely ready for two Major League Soccer clubs."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Andell Holdings looks to see if this is even possible.

MLS Confirms That Houston/KC Game Will Be A Tables, Ladders And Chairs Match

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS), today, confirmed that the Houston Dynamo/Sporting Kansas City game will be a tables, ladders, and chairs match as the battle for supremacy in the Western Conference gets real.

It's Feilhaber..... HE'S AT THE TOP.... WHATS HE GOING TO DO........ Oh..... MAH.... GOD.....

"We felt like a game like this deserved a main event, and there's no main event bigger than our Tables, Ladders and Chairs matchup," stated President of Major League Soccer, Mark Abbot.

"Fans are coming out for the spectacle, so anything goes. We want to see that high flying action and we hope that SKC v Dynamo will bring in people who want to see high octane and punishing soccer."

Abbot stated that the league has been expanding it's reach into previously forbidden territory after the success of their, "Hell In A Cell," mid-season matchup of RBNY v NYCFC.

"It's in our best interest to be on the cutting edge of soccer, and Tables, Ladders, and Chairs allows us to innovate in a way that hasn't been seen before, except the last time we did  it."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ike Opara scores a scorpion kick goal while swan diving off the top of a ladder.

Chicago Fire Eliminated From 2017 World Cup

CHICAGO - Giving up 4 goals to the New York Red Bulls, the Chicago Fire were knocked out of the 2017 World Cup being unable to claim the trophy in the first year of the career of promising youth player Bastian Schweinsteiger.

40 is the new 15

"We are disappointed in the way the season ended," stated head coach Veljko Paunović. "However, we hope that we can come back next season and try to win the World Cup in Russia."

With the Fire eliminated from World Cup 2017, local fans are exploring their heritage to see if there are other teams they can root for, in good conscience.

"My grandfathers first wife was from Vancouver, originally, so I guess I can go for them," stated Fire fan David Hastings. "I don't know, I might just take the rest of the tournament off and wait for England to lose on penalties next year."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this next season as the Fire, once again, attempt to claim world football's greatest prize.

"There's Still Time For Them To Screw This Up," States Red Bull Fan

NEW YORK - At a friends watch party five seconds ago, New York Red Bull fan Sylvia Hearst stated, "There's still time for them to screw this up," as the Red Bulls took a 3-0 lead over the Chicago Fire.

"I've been around. I've seen things. I'm not celebrating until the day AFTER the game," stated Hearst to her friends. "This is Metro we are talking about here. METRO. Please stop talking to me until after the game."

The Nutmeg News will have more from Hearst as she prepares for the loss as Red Bull cruise to a first round win.

Amateur Team's USOC Strategy Is To Win First Game And Forfeit Due To Travel Costs

Biloxi, MS - Amateur soccer team Mullet Lake United FC, stated that their preferred US Open Cup (USOC) strategy was to host and win their first game in the tournament, and forfeit the next game due to travel costs as they are unable to make a trip to North Carolina for their next game.

Don't break these cones! These are the only ones we have!

"Are you kidding me?" stated director, head coach, massage therapist, public relations manager, owner, goalkeeper and second foward Elliot Nelson. "We were missing a midfielder for the first game we played because he couldn't get the night shift off at Beau Rivage. There's no WAY we can afford to play in North Carolina."

Mullet Lake United reportedly thought about submitting a gofundme but their request was refused by the website due to an overwhelming number of US Open Cup teams already requesting funds for their early qualifiers.

"We were just too late to the party, but at least we had a historic victory," stated Nelson. "We are happy with our result and we gladly forfeit our right to the next team in hopes that we will have two home games next tournament."

The Nutmeg News will have more as this happens over and over, every year.

Atheist Timbers Fan Turns to Multiple Religions In Attempt To Have Portland Host MLS Final

Portland, OR - Savannah Cleary, a Timbers fan and outspoken atheist, found herself seeking divine assistance from every religion she can find in order to realize her dream of the Portland Timbers hosting the Major League Soccer (MLS) Cup final at Providence Park.

Dear Jesus, Buddha, Gnisha, Pope, Satan, Jupiter or my astrological sign.

"I've never ever prayed before and have no idea what I’m doing," Ms. Cleary told The Nutmeg News, "but since we have such a long-shot chance of getting the MLS Final at home I figure I have to step up and try to do my part."

Currently, the Timbers would only host the MLS Final at home were the New York Red Bulls to make it to MLS Cup for the Eastern Conference.

We contacted Ms. Cleary to better understand her strategy to supernaturally circumvent this unfair parity and balancing.

"I'm mostly aiming for the big three," Cleary stated. "Jesus, Mohammad Ali, and that really weird Old Testament God. I got a cow and a few sheep from a contact at my local farmers market, and I'm planning on sacrificing them this weekend to cover the latter. I'm also planning on praying for forgiveness from the former for sacrificing the animals. I'm also branching out by going down the Catholic road and lighting some incense while wearing robes and listening to a Pink Martini version of Handel's Messiah, as well. In fact, I was going to give up praying to Mecca for Diwali, but then I realized that being in Portland if I pray towards Mecca I'm also facing Salt Lake City so I get a two-fer with that and check off Mormonism from my list."

We asked Cleary if she had any plans on petitioning any non-Abrahamic deities for blessings upon her team and she stated, "Actually, I have been working on unlocking all my chakras so I can gain enlightenment, ascend to nirvana, and petition the universe to let the Timbers play with the full power of the Timbers Army behind them, but I've got way too much hate for Seattle so that chakra is kind of stuck. I'm working on figuring out what I'm supposed to do with a scale model of Gnisha that I built in my loft, but repeat viewings of Major League made me confused whether I'm supposed to offer it rum."

Cleary admitted that some of her petitions may be ignored due to her previously atheistic tendencies, but she was committed to continuing despite her predeliction towards non-belief.

"Even though I’m totally clueless as to this whole religion thing I am really aware of the uselessness of praying to the generic stuff the Unitarian church puts out. But if my prayers don't get answered quickly I'm totally praying to the all-mother or the spirit of Jim Henson or whatever it is to which the Unitarians pray. I'll even try the old and the new gods from Game Of Thrones."

TNN was also able to speak to God who had the following to say, "All prayers for a Western Conference home game will be answered when a balanced schedule is formed in the MLS schedule. Until then my hands are tied."

High School Football Coach Assigned To Youth Soccer Team Relies Entirely On Motivational Quotes

Des Moines, IA - Local parents suspect that current high school football coach and assigned youth soccer coach Bo "Duke" Rodney is relying entirely upon motivational quotes and cliches to get through the season as his lack of specific game instruction indicates he may know absolutely nothing about the game.

No Pyro No Party

Parents indicate that current players on the Des Moines Arsenal United FC asked Rodney about whether they were going to play in mid-field or back in defense and Coach Rodney replied with, "It's not how good you are, it's how good you want to be," before he drew a fly pattern on a whiteboard and stated, "Good, Better, Best. Never let it rest. Til your good is better and your better is best," and left the room.

Players also indicate that after a recent loss to West Des Moines Manchester United, Rodney gave a post game speech that started with, "Mistakes are proof that you are trying," followed by the closing statement, "Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference."

When he was asked whether he wanted attacking fullbacks, this season, Rodney stated, "In order to succeed, we must first believe that we can."

Parents in the community are pushing for Coach Rodney's dismissal from his coaching positions.

The Nutmeg News asked Mr. Rodney about the dismissal efforts and the head coach stated, "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best."

433rd Page Of NASL/USSF Lawsuit Documents Contains A Lovely Quiche Lorraine Recipe

NEW YORK - David Howard, a pipefitter and part-time, unpaid, soccer blogger, stated that he uncovered a lovely quiche lorraine recipe hidden on page 433 of the NASL Anti-trust lawsuit that will blow this whole lawsuit apart.

PROMOTION AND RELEGATION FOR QUICHE.

"Some amazing information in the NASL lawsuit documents," tweeted Howard from his account @SoccerExpertNYC. "There's a declaration about MLS trying to buy and kill the Cosmos brand, there's information about the relationship between the NASL and the USL, and there's a lovely Quiche Lorraine recipe hidden on page 433."

Reportedly, Howard stated that while he was first interested by the idea of MLS attempting to purchase and kill the Cosmos brand, he was more intrigued by the preparation that involved green onions over bacon, and then more bacon which really gives a lovely taste and texture to the Quiche.

"It's a delicious quiche, it really is," tweeted Howard to his account shortly after eating the NASL delight. "I just wish that this quiche got a chance on the big stage of American foods and wasn't being kept down by THE GLOBAL CONSPIRACY PERPETRATED BY SUM AND USSF."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the quiche files a lawsuit against the USSF for not sanctioning it as a Division 1 food.

WOSO Blogger Liked Lieke Martens Before She Was Cool

NEW YORK - Women's Soccer blogger Tiffany Osterhaus stated that she liked Lieke Martens before she was cool as the Dutch midfielder won the FIFA Best Woman award.

Martens? I like her original stuff, but I checked out when she released her Barcelona passion play. 

"I really liked Martens when she was playing for Heerenveen back in 2009," stated Osterhaus to The Nutmeg News. "Back then, there were far less bandwagon fans and she was far less exposed in the media. You really had to be a fan to enjoy her first body of work, and the second team she was on was more like her second album which showed her progression into the mainstream."

Osterhaus stated that she noticed more of her friends being into Martens after her time withGöteborg FC, but that she cherishes the time when she was an unknown midfielder working hard for a local Dutch team.

"Sure it's easier to find her work now that she is mainstream and she is now in everybody's BEST PLAYER list, but I miss the time when it was just me and a few other Heerenveen fans who saw her potential."

Osterhaus stated that with Martens winning the award that she doesn't even know all the Martens fans, anymore, and has fallen out of love with her recent work.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Osterhaus states that she has a new obscure midfielder she follows in the lower divisions of German Women's soccer.

Sacramento Republic Fan Appropriately Shamed For Lack Of Belief After Playoff Win

Sacramento, CA - Sacramento Republic fan Tim Jeffers was appropriately shamed by his fellow fans for his lack of belief after Republic won their opening round USL Playoff game on the road against the Real Monarchs.

For a split second it seemed as though he might even be right, the whining traitor.

"All I said was that I thought it was going to be a difficult game and I wasn't certain that the team was going to win," stated Jeffers who was branded a "traitor" by his fellow fans.

Reportedly, Jeffers was attending the Republic/Monarchs watch party when local investigators found several tweets expressing his own personal doubts over the upcoming game.

"Whoa, man," stated local investigator and currently unemployed bar-back Paul Merson. "Tim TOTALLY didn't believe we were going to win this game. What a whiny little fucking traitor."

Jeffers was reportedly paraded around the bar as fellow fans threw napkins and food at him as a sign of his disloyalty to the team. He was given a shame hat and asked to leave the premises. 

"It was the 8th team against the #1 team on the road," whined little whiny whiner Jeffers. "I didn't think it was an act of sedition to insinuate that it might be a tough game," whined the little whiny unbeliever.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Jeffers tweet history is printed out, long form, so that all can see his horrible takes 365 days later.

"It Took All Of Us Working Together To Be This Bad," States LA Galaxy's Sigi Schmid

LOS ANGELES - LA Galaxy coach Sigi Schmid stated, on Monday, that he was proud of the effort of the Galaxy as they worked all season long to become the worst team in the league, in 2017.

STARTED AT THE TOP AND NOW WE'RE HERE

"We had a lot of really great effort from the boys, over the season," stated Schmid to The Nutmeg News. "We especially want to thank Curt Onalfo for getting us started off on a blistering path towards less than one point per game. We can't overlook our midfield and defense for selling out every game to get us to a -22 goal differential."

Schmid stated that he was especially pleased for the home fans as they contributed to the team record this season by watching only 3 wins the entire season, a record for the league this year. 

"3 wins and 9 losses at home? Now that's something rare. Sure a lot of clubs want to make the playoffs, but where is the difficulty in that? Winning only 3 games out of 17 at home is more impressive in my opinion."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Schmid continues to sing the praises of Giovaniand Jonathan Dos Santos

Soccer Writer Continues To Conflate Portland And Austin Despite Never Visiting Either City

WASHINGTON - Washington Times Gazette soccer writer Jim "teddy" Teddington continued to conflate Portland, Oregon and Austin, Texas as being, "essentially the same place," without actually travelling to either city.

Portland stole the slogan from Austin so they MUST be the same.

"They both have young people, and they both have old people, and they both have a lot of um........... hipsters.......soooooooo.............. yeah," mumbled Teddington to himself as he finished another column about the bright future of Austin soccer. 

Friends state that Teddington came to the conclusion that Austin and Portland are the exact same city when he saw a picture of a bearded man running a microbrewery in Austin and assumed it was a picture from Portland.

"Beards! Beer! ... um...... BEARDS! It's gotta be the same! No one's realized this before," exclaimed an exited Teddington as he planned a future trip to South by Southwest for some research into brand activation and market penetration of soccer in South Texas.... and some bands, if he has time. "If soccer works in Portland it ABSOLUTELY is going to work in Austin. They are literally the same place. I bet they even would have the same soccer chants."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Teddington turns in another column on "Precourt and Austin: How The Portland Timbers Predicted This."

FC Dallas Order Extra Large Sage Smudge Stick To Cleanse Evil Energy And Stadium Aura

Dallas, TX - F.C. Dallas, reportedly, ordered an extra large sage smudge stick from The Labyrinth Coven in Dallas in order to cleanse the evil energy and stadium aura that followed the team around for the last half of the season.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMM SPIRITS WITHIN, DEPART IN PEACE!

"We tried LITERALLY everything else," stated an exasperated Oscar Pareja as he swept the burning sage bundle over the FC Dallas locker room that reportedly carried extra negative energy. "At this point, for us, the only thing we haven't tried is some sage, have a seance and if that doesn't work? Come back in 2018 and just forget about what happened."

Reportedly, team officials are looking into whether Pareja or Clark Hunt inadvertently or intentionally were the recipient of a curse put upon them, or if the problem could be explained by any other methodology that would explain one win in 14 games.

"We aren't certain what happened, but we are employing the finest Bruja consultants in the DFW metroplex to resolve this issue. Our aura's must be cleansed," stated equipment manager Stephen Gotschalk. 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as FC Dallas align their heart chakra with clear energy crystals to bring a good result.

American MK Dons Fan States, "This Crew Situation Is Why I Only Follow English Football"

Boston, MA - American Milton Keynes Dons fan Nick Devos stated to his friends, "This Columbus Crew situation is why I only follow English football," as he prepared to find a stream for the Dons upcoming game against Oldham, tomorrow.

PART OF THE FABRIC OF THE COMMUNITY

"England would never let teams just move around, clubs are part of the local fabric of the community," ranted Devos to his disinterested friend Paul Philips. "MLS teams are franchises. They are a squad of inter-mural athletes that play against each other in scrimmages. I think anyone that supports teams in MLS is a fraud and probably should just stop watching sports all together. Honestly, I truly think that if you watch an MLS squad you should burn down your house, any other house or bar in which you watched a game, give away all your possessions, leave your family behind and move to the desert to repent for your sins for the rest of your life."

Devos started following the Dons during a brief 3 day stay in the area around October of 2010 when he happened upon a free ticket.

"They aren't the best club, but they are a club and they are part of the local community, and the owner is the owner, and that means that they don't have any weird things that would make them leave. That's English football. It's like 250 years of tradition, or something, over some plastic idiots standing around following an Arby's franchise from their city. I don't care if this makes me sound like a massive asshole, everyone who watches MLS deserves all of this. SHEEP."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Devos continues to try to sway people to his viewpoint by calling them idiots.

"And I'd Have Gotten Away With It, If It Wasn't For You Pesky Journalists," Cackles Don Garber As He Counts Crew Season Ticket Money

NEW YORK - A monocled and mustachioed Don Garber reportedly cackled, "And I'd have gotten away with it if it wasn't for you pesky journalists," while counting 2018 season ticket money received from the Columbus Crew after green-lighting a secret plan to move the Columbus Crew to Austin over the past six months without having ownership tell the staff of the Columbus Crew who sold non-refundable packages to local fans for a doomed club.

The commissioner of Major League Soccer stated that he was excited to finally rid the league of the Crew so that he could spearhead FC Cincinnati in their place as the club was more exciting to the league and would allow them to divest the supposedly struggling franchise in Columbus to Austin where kids live and like hipsters or something that would make it work.

"We robbed from the poor to pay the rich!" screamed Garber as he threw a hundred dollar bill taken from a school teacher in Galena at our reporter. "We had no intention of staying in Columbus past 2018 but we sold the tickets anyway! HA HA! Now none of you can get your money back! You are all doomed like your precious club! And I authorized it!  MUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Garber ties Cincinnati's MLS hopes to the tracks as the train of Columbus leaving bears down upon their shared hopes and cackles in glee as fans turn on each other.

DC United Fans Reminded To Not Remove Load Bearing Seats From RFK Stadium

WASHINGTON - D.C. United fans were, again, reminded to not remove load bearing seats from R.F.K. Stadium after the final United soccer game there this weekend.

Thanks for everything, RFK.

"Look, the entire superstructure of the stadium is supported by seats in 110, 109, and 128," stated stadium official Ron Johnson. "If you remove those seats the whole stadium is going to come down like a deflated swiss cheese covered in Raccoon urine."

According to insider sources, the load bearing seats have been reinforced with replaced screws, gorilla glue and duct tape over the year to keep the stadium running. 

"We are confident that we can keep the stadium vertical for the last game, but we would like a chance for everyone to get out alive, so please don't remove the load bearing seats."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans attempt to figure out which seat would cause the downfall of the upper decks without destroying the pupusa stand.

Soccer Writers Hold Private Slack Funeral For World Cup Pulisic Articles

Soccer writers across the United States held a private Slack funeral for their future World Cup Christian Pulisic articles as the inability of the United States to make the World Cup in 2018 doomed their future efforts to the waste bin.

The eulogy for the Pulisic columns was given by Dale Edwards of the Chicago Sun Picyuane who was the only member of the group that wore a suit jacket, today.

"Your Eminence, writers from ESPN, SB Nation, Vox, Deadspin, the New York Times, and all unwashed bloggers.

Today we say goodbye to the youngest soccer articles that none of us have written about the rosy cheeked youth known as Christian Pulisic. The world will long remember our love of writing articles about Pulisic as the heir to a weighty legacy; a champion for those who had only known Joe Max Moore; the soul of the future of the United States Men's Team; and the lion of the game against Panama - a man who generated 1000 articles by making one pass himself.

But those of us who loved writing about him because we need content, and ache with the passing of the US World Cup 2018 opportunity, know Christian Pulisic by the other titles he held: Generator of Per Diem, Word Count Increase, Column Space or as he was often known to younger sports writers, 'the chance to get something in print rather than digital.' I, like so many others in the industry, knew him as a click generator and above all, a continuing reason that I am employed.

Christian Pulisic columns were the baby of Freddy Adu and Charles Renken who became the nations restless totem who became the United States rock. Those columns were the sunny, joyful child who bore the brunt of Klinsmann column clickbait, but learned quickly how to brush it off as the clickbait of their own. When they tossed him a ball, six-year-old Pulisic got it and scored and a Washington Post writer obtained a credential for a US Soccer game due to it.

That spirit of resilience and good humour would see Pulisic columns through pain and tragedy, such as the Klinsmann era when we needed something to break up the relentless monotony of biting our ledes.

Our Christian Pulisic columns have gone home now, guided by our faith that we will figure out a new angle to exploit for the gain of our newspapers and the extending of our own careers. May God bless Christian Pulisic and may he generate eternal columns clicks."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Edwards is re-assigned from soccer to cover local high school football.