Soccer Writers Hold Private Slack Funeral For World Cup Pulisic Articles

Soccer writers across the United States held a private Slack funeral for their future World Cup Christian Pulisic articles as the inability of the United States to make the World Cup in 2018 doomed their future efforts to the waste bin.


The eulogy for the Pulisic columns was given by Dale Edwards of the Chicago Sun Picyuane who was the only member of the group that wore a suit jacket, today.

"Your Eminence, writers from ESPN, SB Nation, Vox, Deadspin, the New York Times, and all unwashed bloggers.

Today we say goodbye to the youngest soccer articles that none of us have written about the rosy cheeked youth known as Christian Pulisic. The world will long remember our love of writing articles about Pulisic as the heir to a weighty legacy; a champion for those who had only known Joe Max Moore; the soul of the future of the United States Men's Team; and the lion of the game against Panama - a man who generated 1000 articles by making one pass himself.

But those of us who loved writing about him because we need content, and ache with the passing of the US World Cup 2018 opportunity, know Christian Pulisic by the other titles he held: Generator of Per Diem, Word Count Increase, Column Space or as he was often known to younger sports writers, 'the chance to get something in print rather than digital.' I, like so many others in the industry, knew him as a click generator and above all, a continuing reason that I am employed.

Christian Pulisic columns were the baby of Freddy Adu and Charles Renken who became the nations restless totem who became the United States rock. Those columns were the sunny, joyful child who bore the brunt of Klinsmann column clickbait, but learned quickly how to brush it off as the clickbait of their own. When they tossed him a ball, six-year-old Pulisic got it and scored and a Washington Post writer obtained a credential for a US Soccer game due to it.

That spirit of resilience and good humour would see Pulisic columns through pain and tragedy, such as the Klinsmann era when we needed something to break up the relentless monotony of biting our ledes.

Our Christian Pulisic columns have gone home now, guided by our faith that we will figure out a new angle to exploit for the gain of our newspapers and the extending of our own careers. May God bless Christian Pulisic and may he generate eternal columns clicks."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Edwards is re-assigned from soccer to cover local high school football.