NEW YORK - A monocled and mustachioed Don Garber reportedly cackled, "And I'd have gotten away with it if it wasn't for you pesky journalists," while counting 2018 season ticket money received from the Columbus Crew after green-lighting a secret plan to move the Columbus Crew to Austin over the past six months without having ownership tell the staff of the Columbus Crew who sold non-refundable packages to local fans for a doomed club.
The commissioner of Major League Soccer stated that he was excited to finally rid the league of the Crew so that he could spearhead FC Cincinnati in their place as the club was more exciting to the league and would allow them to divest the supposedly struggling franchise in Columbus to Austin where kids live and like hipsters or something that would make it work.
"We robbed from the poor to pay the rich!" screamed Garber as he threw a hundred dollar bill taken from a school teacher in Galena at our reporter. "We had no intention of staying in Columbus past 2018 but we sold the tickets anyway! HA HA! Now none of you can get your money back! You are all doomed like your precious club! And I authorized it! MUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Garber ties Cincinnati's MLS hopes to the tracks as the train of Columbus leaving bears down upon their shared hopes and cackles in glee as fans turn on each other.