WASHINGTON - D.C. United fans were, again, reminded to not remove load bearing seats from R.F.K. Stadium after the final United soccer game there this weekend.
"Look, the entire superstructure of the stadium is supported by seats in 110, 109, and 128," stated stadium official Ron Johnson. "If you remove those seats the whole stadium is going to come down like a deflated swiss cheese covered in Raccoon urine."
According to insider sources, the load bearing seats have been reinforced with replaced screws, gorilla glue and duct tape over the year to keep the stadium running.
"We are confident that we can keep the stadium vertical for the last game, but we would like a chance for everyone to get out alive, so please don't remove the load bearing seats."
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans attempt to figure out which seat would cause the downfall of the upper decks without destroying the pupusa stand.