Atheist Timbers Fan Turns to Multiple Religions In Attempt To Have Portland Host MLS Final

Portland, OR - Savannah Cleary, a Timbers fan and outspoken atheist, found herself seeking divine assistance from every religion she can find in order to realize her dream of the Portland Timbers hosting the Major League Soccer (MLS) Cup final at Providence Park.

Dear Jesus, Buddha, Gnisha, Pope, Satan, Jupiter or my astrological sign.

Dear Jesus, Buddha, Gnisha, Pope, Satan, Jupiter or my astrological sign.

"I've never ever prayed before and have no idea what I’m doing," Ms. Cleary told The Nutmeg News, "but since we have such a long-shot chance of getting the MLS Final at home I figure I have to step up and try to do my part."

Currently, the Timbers would only host the MLS Final at home were the New York Red Bulls to make it to MLS Cup for the Eastern Conference.

We contacted Ms. Cleary to better understand her strategy to supernaturally circumvent this unfair parity and balancing.

"I'm mostly aiming for the big three," Cleary stated. "Jesus, Mohammad Ali, and that really weird Old Testament God. I got a cow and a few sheep from a contact at my local farmers market, and I'm planning on sacrificing them this weekend to cover the latter. I'm also planning on praying for forgiveness from the former for sacrificing the animals. I'm also branching out by going down the Catholic road and lighting some incense while wearing robes and listening to a Pink Martini version of Handel's Messiah, as well. In fact, I was going to give up praying to Mecca for Diwali, but then I realized that being in Portland if I pray towards Mecca I'm also facing Salt Lake City so I get a two-fer with that and check off Mormonism from my list."

We asked Cleary if she had any plans on petitioning any non-Abrahamic deities for blessings upon her team and she stated, "Actually, I have been working on unlocking all my chakras so I can gain enlightenment, ascend to nirvana, and petition the universe to let the Timbers play with the full power of the Timbers Army behind them, but I've got way too much hate for Seattle so that chakra is kind of stuck. I'm working on figuring out what I'm supposed to do with a scale model of Gnisha that I built in my loft, but repeat viewings of Major League made me confused whether I'm supposed to offer it rum."

Cleary admitted that some of her petitions may be ignored due to her previously atheistic tendencies, but she was committed to continuing despite her predeliction towards non-belief.

"Even though I’m totally clueless as to this whole religion thing I am really aware of the uselessness of praying to the generic stuff the Unitarian church puts out. But if my prayers don't get answered quickly I'm totally praying to the all-mother or the spirit of Jim Henson or whatever it is to which the Unitarians pray. I'll even try the old and the new gods from Game Of Thrones."

TNN was also able to speak to God who had the following to say, "All prayers for a Western Conference home game will be answered when a balanced schedule is formed in the MLS schedule. Until then my hands are tied."