You Won't Believe The Truth Big Soccer Isn't Telling You

The Nutmeg News prints opinion pieces from local contributors, at select times. Today's opinion piece comes from a Mr. Randall Watson of Perry, IA. The viewpoints and opinions of Mr. Watson do not necessarily reflect the viewpoints and opinions of The Nutmeg News.

You won't believe the truth "big soccer" isn't telling you, people...

I'm going to tell you this in as easy a way as possible.

THE BALL IS FLAT.

THE DISC.

That's right. The object you think is a sphere or a globe? It's flat. It's been flat, it is flat, it's always been flat. You think the ball is round? Well, have you ever seen the other side? No. You can't see the other side because the ball is flat. The horizon is real, people, WAKE UP.

Here at the Flat Ball Institute (FBI) we have a bevy of scientists working on debunking the myth that the ball is a spheroid. True ball scientists at FBI call the shape a disc, to reference the fact that the object itself is flat.

Argentina v England Hand of God goal? The disc caught a breeze.

Torsten Frings World Cup hand ball? The disc flew into him like a frisbee.

These are all examples of your senses telling you that we do not watch a spherical playing ball sport.

The evidence for a flat disc is derived from many different facets of science and philosophy. This is not a religious movement, rather this is a zeal for exploring science in a natural state. The simplest method for proving Flat Ball Theory is by relying on ones own senses to discern the true nature of the world around us. The field is flat. The Red and Yellow cards are flat. The TV screen is flat. The sole of a soccer cleat is flat. Why would a soccer player have a flat cleat and a flat foot if the ball is round? They wouldn't. They would have a round foot and a round cleat to kick a round ball, and yet they don't. All of this is clearly pointing towards a disc shaped ball.

Big Soccer and the international Illuminati embedded at FIFA want you to believe that the ovoid shape of the "ball" came from rugby, but the truth is it that the shape of the disc came from disc golf and Ultimate Frisbee. FIFA can't sell the working class on that heritage. You cant sell the coal miners in England on a kid named Aiden with a pukka shell necklace and a community college minor in physical education who invented the worlds game while on a break from social studies to go slackline the American west.

"You can go to the game and look at the ball yourself," my detractors would say. However scientists with the naturapath division of FBI have evidence that photographers and cameramen use fisheye lenses to distort your field of vision. Everyone knows that photographs can't be trusted.

If you think I'm going to fall into an "appeal to authority" fallacy by just believing MLS players that have a stake in the game to keep it a secret, you don't know anything about logic. Check. mate.

In closing, keep your eyes open and watch the disc. You know it is true. It's as flat as this page, or your hand, or the phone on which you are reading this.

Thank you and good night,

FBI Director Randall Watson

PO Box 88324 Perry, IA - 50220

Bored With MLS, Schweinsteiger Turns To Baseball

CHICAGO - Bored with Major League Soccer, Fire midfielder Bastian Schweinsteiger signed a contract with the Chicago Cubs, this week, as a utility shortstop.

Let us play some of ze catch, ja?!

"I was mentally exhausted with the repetitious nature of practice and playing," stated Schweinsteiger to The Nutmeg News. "I needed something more than Major League Soccer could provide so one of my teammates told me to go, 'Bo Jackson on all their asses,' and I guess joining the Cubs is just that."

Reportedly, Schweinsteiger is a two tool shortstop excelling in speed and fielding ability. He gained positive reviews from his new teammates and coaches with manager Joe Maddon saying, "It's nice to finally have some international players from Germany in the squad. We hope that the Cubs can finally challenge for a World Cup title with Bastian on board."

Sources close to Schweinsteiger state that the midfielder is, as well, considering signing up with the Chicago Bears to play both kicker and outside linebacker. 

"He wants to be a complete player and there's nothing more complete than making it onto a lucrative NFL sponsorship deal," stated one anonymous friend.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Schweinsteiger starts his strict weight gain program to get in shape for Baseball.

Atlanta United Ceases Operation After Two Straight Losses

Atlanta, GA - Citing the recent two game losing streak, Atlanta United owner Arthur Blank pulled the plug on the nascent franchise stating, "well, that fad is over."

We are all done here.

During the former MLS club's heyday, they started off a respectable 3-2-2, but two straight losses dropped the team down the table and they currently sit out of the playoffs, if the playoffs started in May.

"We had a good run," stated Vice-President Ann Rodriguez. "No one would say that we didn't have success at 3-2-2, but we must be realistic and realize that two straight losses will spell the doom of our franchise. We want to thank all the fans who came out to support us, and all the players for giving the season their maximum effort, at least for the first 7 games."

Sources from within Terminus Legion stated that members were grumbling that it was, "about time," for the team to fold as the lofty expectations of winning the league in the first three months had not come to fruition. 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a dispersal draft reallocates the players from Atlanta United throughout the league.

Philadelphia Union Youth Player Destined To Be The Next Xisco

Philadelphia, PA - Philadelphia Union youth player Alonso Rutledge is reportedly well on his way to being the next Xisco as the 14 year old youth academy player looks forward to not contributing in any way to any team that purchases him over his upcoming 15 year career.

One of these players will disappoint you greatly!

"Rutledge has all the capabilities and inconsistencies of a young Xisco," stated head coach and moving van expert Jim Curtin. "We expect just enough things from him to show a potential that he will never reach that will allow us to sell him before he disappoints somewhere else."

Scout Andrew Willingsly stated that he even sees a bit of Eric Djemba-Djemba in young Rutledge's game as he looks forward to watching the exciting youth prospect disappoint at the international level.

"He's got just enough talent to make it and just enough weakness in his game to fail miserably when he gets there," stated Willingsly. "Hopefully the United States can really start consistently producing talents the level of Xisco to allow us to move onto producing talents like El Hadji Diouf. Only then can we talk about producing talents the like of Lord Nicklas Bendtner Maybe in another 60 years we can talk about making it to the Cesc Fabregas stage."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when the local news media anoints Rutledge the new Pele.

Despite The Growing Flotilla Of Unemployed And Highly Talented Soccer Writers, Blogger Still Thinks He Is Going To Break Through

Salt Lake, UT - Despite the growing flotilla of unemployed and highly talented soccer writers that pepper the landscape, blogger Isaac Samuel stated that he was still positive that he was going to break through with his work sometime soon.

Welcome to Paste Soccer..........aaaaaaaaaaand goodbye!

"I know that between the ESPN firings, the departure of other writers due to burnout and the wholesale implosion of Paste Soccer that there are a lot of talented writers out there, but trust me... my blog is so revolutionary that my work WILL be noticed," stated Samuel to The Nutmeg News. "Granted, all these fellows have decades of work on me and connections with nearly every part of the writing game, but what they don't have is a dedicated website hosted on godaddy that allows me to link my tumblr page."

Samuel stated that he still goes about his business every week by attending at least one Real Salt Lake practice, taking the conference calls from the team and league, and updating his blog with information relevant to the world of soccer that he scraped from other sources online.

"It's really only a matter of time, at this point," stated Samuel. "I just need to keep my head down and keep working and then ESPN or CNN or Bleacher Report or Howler is going to hire me for those long form articles and a position where I can write derivative Hunter S Thompson style diatribes on attending the MLS All-Star Game. Eventually this will lead to a casual acquaintance with Anthony Bourdain just like Wright Thompson. Perhaps I show him around Salt Lake for an RSL game, who knows!! I'm already planning my byline for Vanity Fair and Rolling Stone."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as an increase in Mr. Samuel's workload prevents him from writing anything about soccer as he works 63 hours a week for the next two weeks.

Everything You Need To Know About The 2017 Amway Canadian Championship

The Amway Canadian Championship kicks off tonight with the epic quarterfinal play-in between FC Edmonton and the Ottawa Fury, but many people still have questions about the competition. 

Here is everything you need to know about the 2017 edition of the Amway Canadian Championship

WHEN DOES IT START:

Tonight!

HOW DID WE GET HERE:

First there was an explosion, then the earth cooled, then the dinosaurs roamed, then there was Canada, maple syrup, Simon & Hecubus, Celine Dion, Don Cherry and the Toronto Maple Leafs crashing out of the playoffs.

HOW MANY TEAMS ARE THERE:

There are many teams, trust us. You don't need to look this up.  We absolutely know how many teams there are and there are a lot of teams. The best teams. Look, if we told you there were more teams than 2 but less teams than 20 would that make sense? It absolutely would, so we aren't telling falsehoods. Some people would suggest there might even be more than 4 teams, but that might require some research.

Let's see.....

(clicks google)

This year there are five. In future years there may be more than 5, maybe.

HOW DOES THE CANADIAN PREMIER LEAGUE FIGURE INTO THIS:

What?

SERIOUSLY:

The WHAT?

WHICH TEAM IS THE CURRENT TITLE HOLDER:

Toronto FC

WHICH TEAM IS THE FAVORITE TO WIN:

Manitoba Wasps FC

WHAT DOES THE WINNING TEAM RECEIVE:

A deathmatch against Toronto FC for the right to lose horrifically on the road in Mexico against a team playing their secondary squad at some point in the distant future.

WHAT IF TORONTO FC WINS AGAIN:

Then they will split squads and play against each other with Sebastian Giovinco playing as a roving #10 against both squads. If that game ends in a draw then the split squad victor will be solved by a slow motion knife fight set to Rush's YYZ in the parking lot of the Canadian Tire on St Clair.

WHERE CAN I WATCH THIS:

Probably online. Maybe. Definitely in person, provided you are in the Ottawa area, tonight. By the way, if you are in the Ottawa area tonight Mitch McKenzie could use some help moving his couch. Please RSVP if you are available.

WHATS THE NUTMEG NEWS PREDICTION FOR TONIGHT:

Edmonton over Anaheim 4-2

USL Player's Third Touch Is World Class

USL Player Mark Brandonovich stated, on Wednesday morning, that his long time quest to improve his game finally paid dividends as his third touch on the ball is now, reportedly, world class.

KING.... OF THE PRACTICE FIELD

"My first touch? It's garbage," stated Brandonovich to The Nutmeg News. "My second touch? It's a bit like trying to kick a ball with a side of roast beef, but my THIRD touch is absolutely, bang on, unbelievable to see world class."

Brandonovich has long been regarded as having the first touch of a drunk rhinoceros attempting to perform colon surgery with his horn, but Brandonovich worked on his game over the 2016 offseason and now is reaping the plaudits from the coaching staff and fellow players.

"Mark's third touch is out of this world," stated head coach Tommy Jackson. "It's just insane to see, honestly. His third touch is better than any player I've ever seen and I watched Cristiano Ronaldo play in training. Of course, due to his first and second touch, Mark is really not worth playing at any time where we need to protect the lead, nor does he need to start, but when we need a player to play roughly 10 minutes at the end of the game and take pot shots at the opposition goal without passing to an open man, he's our guy."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Brandonovich develops a cult following with his fanbase for his exploits on the field.

100 Million Dollar USSF Surplus To Be Spent On Nationwide Orange Slice Initiative

CHICAGO - It was announced today that the 100 million dollar US Soccer Federation surplus would be spent on a nationwide orange slice initiative to increase the number of orange slices for children playing the game.

We need MORE orange slices, not less. Forget decreseasing the cost of the game or elimintating pay to play... MORE ORANGE SLICES.

"We are very concerned about the lack of orange slices out there," stated Sunil Gulati, President of the US Soccer Federation. "We understand that there is a severe orange slices shortage in the Simi Valley area as well the youth teams in the Santa Barbara area. There's also a reported shortage in San Diego. We need to address this. We need to fix this. That's why we are implementing this Orange Slice For Everyone initiative. We can really improve access to orange slices by ensuring that orange slices are offered at every single pay-to-play academy and horribly coached youth team across the United States."

The USSF stated that they would also use a portion of the surplus as a reservoir for bribes, in case FIFA gets touchy about the upcoming World Cup bid by North America.

"It's important for us to have a slush fund that we can use for brib...er.... incentives, just in case this whole thing goes pear shaped," stated Dan Flynn, CEO of US Soccer.  "If that doesn't work we will likely renovate our headquarters because we need a new conference table and I want a new view. But yeah.... orange slices... that's the ticket."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as USSF figures out a way to spend money on anything but a way to make the game of soccer more inclusive and less expensive to children across the United States.

Delicate Sensibilities Ruffled As Woman Swears In Soccer Game

Savannah, GA  - The delicate sensibilities of one Virginia Bettenworth of Savannah, Georgia were reportedly ruffled as a chance viewing of a National Women's Soccer League (NWSL) game on Lifetime exposed the aggrieved party to the visage of sporting women who may or may not swear.

Now THIS is what Mrs. Bettenworth is talking about.

"I DO DECLARE," stated Virginia Bettenworth. "My delicate sensibilities were veritably chastened by this uncouth behavior."

Bettenworth claimed that she simply sat down to watch the Lifetime movie, "Lies My Mother Told To Me," when her constitution was inflamed by the usage of words she deems offensive.

"We must BAN this filth from the field and the airwaves. Will this Stephanie McCaffrey ever get a chance to attend the annual Savannah Christmas Cotillion, now? My stars in heaven, this is why I advocated against giving women the right to vote. Isn't that right, Abner?"

"This disgust is absolutely the result of a female swearing," stated Dr Abner McCaffrey, a man, of the institute for Manal Studies at Savannah State University. "Men are allowed to be uncouth, but women must adhere to our insane morality code foisted upon them by the trappings of a slowly decaying society. That sounds bad but you must understand it is for their own benefit. If women are allowed to swear, then the next thing you know they will be allowed to sweat, and if women are allowed to sweat they will be allowed to fart, and farting leads to pooping and women must not be allowed to poop. These profane actions will lead to a woman in the White House, mark my words. We know this because there has been an increase in talk about tampons on the airwaves and many men of reported a loss in essence, possibly from fluordation but also likely caused due to overt estrogen being passed about like candy at Marijuana parties that feature Jazz Music! My STARS AND GARDENS!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as women are held to an insane standard of conduct due to idiocy.

League Dedicated To Centralized Command Economy And Equal Revenue Sharing Bans Communist Symbol

NEW YORK - Minnesota United and Major League Soccer (MLS) recently announced that it would ban utilization, in T.I.F.O, of the symbol of the Red Loons, a Marxist supporters group from Minnesota United, with the league stating, "The only kind of Marxism and socialism we believe is in the league version that we employ to keep costs down, competition for players between teams to a minimum, profit sharing high and our own league structure viable."

THE WORKERS WILL UNITE..... BY RAISING CANE'S CHICKEN FINGERS IN APPLE VALLEY

According to the Red Loons, the group is unable to use their logo in any large scale T.I.F.O with the team and league stating specifically, "NO COMMUNIST STUFF, OK? We are fine on letting a lot of stuff slide but NO commie stuff!"

Major League Soccer declined our request for an interview stating, "no comment." However, a source within the league stated, "we are kinda afraid that people will actually realize that we already are controlling the costs, the expenditures... you know the factors of production, and that this influences heavily the general footprint and growth of the league. We don't need to draw attention to the fact that we are essentially a faux-marxist collective bent on exploiting the player proletariat for the bourgeois elite that controls our teams whilst sharing the money within the league with these shareholders."

The Nutmeg News will have less on this, lets be honest.

US Soccer Federation Finally Open Pyramid Revealing Gozer The Destroyer

CHICAGO - Long suffering advocates of opening the US Soccer Federation (USSF) pyramid were shocked as the USSF Pyramid was opened late Thursday evening to reveal Gozer the Destroyer, hell bent upon destruction of the earth and supporting local soccer.

MORE EXPANSION FEES! MORE NASL INSOLVENCIES! 

"Well, honestly.... I kinda expected immediate promotion/relegation and supporter owned clubs," stated Carl Vrugt of Sheboygan, Wisconsin. "To have Gozer the destroyer appear only to then speak about the importance of a hard salary budget and financial management of the league resources was, well, a bit odd."

Gozer the Destroyer (also known as Gozer the Gozerian, Gozer the Destructor, Gozer the Traveler, Volguus Zildrohar, Lothar Matthäus and Lord of the Sebouillia) was last seen in the Dutch documentary Het bovennatuurlijke superspektakel in 1984.

During the rectification of the Vuldronaii, The Traveler came as a large and moving Torb. Then, during the third reconciliation of the last of the Meketrex Supplicants, they chose the form of a giant Sloar. During the second manifestation of the Ottwany Profinate, they chose the form of Lothar Matthäus, in an attempt to bind the New York/New Jersey Metrostars into a covenant of pain.

Promotion and Relgation advocate Richard Whitten stated, "well... honestly... I'm not certain what to say, but Gozer told us to, 'chose the form of The Destructor,' and I only thought of Don Garber and Sunil Gulati. Honestly, this whole thing is making a lot more sense now."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Dr. Peter Venkman is called to investigate these league incongruities.

All Teams In Major League Soccer To Be Re-branded As LA Galaxy

An announcement from Major League Soccer (MLS) shook up the small contingent of people who actually pay attention to league dealings as the league stated that all teams in MLS would be re-branded as the Los Angeles Galaxy to allow maximum rooting for the Galaxy at all times by the followers of the league.

The new western conference standings

Galaxy fan Leonard Fallwell of Newark, New Jersey admitted that he was unused to being a Galaxy fan but if the league wished that the fans that follow the teams within to root for the Galaxy that the only way to reach him was to change the name of the team for which he cheers.

"I guess I'm a Galaxy fan now, so I'll be cheering for the Galaxy. This feels both confusing and dirty, though," stated Fallwell to The Nutmeg News.

Galaxy fan Sandra Blevins of Denver, Colorado admitted that she wasn't sure what all the rest of the Galaxy fans were cheering for but that she would be rooting for a Galaxy victory this weekend.

While Galaxy fan Josh Ridenour of Topeka, Kansas admitted that he was only halfheartedly rooting for the Galaxy this weekend as his true love, the Galaxy, would be playing against the Galaxy in the future.

Meanwhile, Galaxy fan Hector Villanueva of Houston, Texas admitted that he was absolutely hoping that the Galaxy would lose against his Los Angeles Galaxy so that the Galaxy could leapfrog the Galaxy in the standings.

The Nutmeg Galaxy will have more on the Galaxy as the Galaxy is the Galaxy of the Galaxy, Galaxy.

Hamilton, As Inspiration, Is Finally Completely And Utterly Mined Out

After the 186th song suggestion and two-stick/T.I.F.O inspiration from the musical Hamilton was pitched, on Tuesday, supporters groups across North America confirmed that Hamilton is finally completely and utterly mined out.

IT IS DEAD.

DEAD

Like Hamilton himself, it is D.E.A.D.

"We tried to come up with something new but honestly, there's nothing left," stated FC Cincinnati fan Carla Edwards. "Everything has been used, re-used and then re-re-used."

Supporters have, reportedly, utilized the "Hamilton Star" imagery for everything from T.I.F.O to player photoshops to smack talk against their rivals. 

Supporters have, as well attempted to re-write songs for teams and players from History Has Its Eyes On You to Best of Wives and Best of Women.

"It's dead.... IT IS DEAD," stated Revolution fan Darren Harding. "Why won't you guys let it die? It's just over, everyone. Please stop using Hamilton. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP USING HAMILTON."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans continue to rob the corpse of Hamilton for ideas.

LA Galaxy Fan Wondering, Totally Hypothetically, How Long He Must Wait Before Defecting To LAFC

LOS ANGELES - LA Galaxy fan Carlos Kliewer admitted that he is wondering, totally hypothetically. how long he must wait before defecting to LAFC from the LA Galaxy. 

Well, at ONE point.....

Photo: Gary A Vasquez - USA Today Sports

"Because... you know... the Galaxy aren't very good, and they aren't going to be good for a while, probably," stated Kliewer to The Nutmeg News. "Honestly, I'm tired of the commute to Carson and the apathetic crowds and I'm just wondering if we are going to have a whole Chivas USA thing going on in a few years, so I might as well bolt before anyone knows who I am."

A huge LA Lakers, then Clippers, then Lakers, then Golden State Warriors fan, Kliewer stated that he started following the Galaxy during the hey-day of the Bruce Arena era when the Galaxy were repeat champions of Major League Soccer.

"Oh the glory days, when we had rings and championships and good players and Robbie Keane. It's not like that anymore, and there's this new sexy thing coming into the league so I'm trying to figure out if anyone knows who I am in the stands and whether there are any pictures out there that mean I can't move. Look, I'm just saying that if I don't show up on anyone's instagram as a random Galaxy fan that this likely means I can move on to LAFC when they start."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this Kliewer waits to see if the Galaxy get any better before jumping ship.

26 Year Old English Veteran Can't Wait To Become Promising Youth In MLS

Derby, Derbyshire, GB - 26 year old English veteran of the Championship, forward Jerome Williams, stated that he is excited over his pending move to Major League Soccer (MLS) as he transitions from being a grizzled veteran to a promising youth within a few months span.

We just like this picture.

"I've been playing professionally since I was about 16/17 years old," stated Williams to The Nutmeg News. "However, I'm really excited to be considered a youth again in a new league."

Williams started with the youth academy at Sheffield United before moving and getting his break with the u-16 Fulham academy team. There he got a chance to play for the Fulham first team during an FA Cup game as well as a various number of first team games before making his mark with consistent performances for Derby County in the Championship. Over the past 7 years, Williams was a vital cog for Derby County but now he states, "It's going to be great to have a new fanbase consider me full of potential and a young player. It's been nearly 9 years since I was considered that."

"We are excited to bring over a player that is still developing," stated Don Garber, Commissioner of Major League Soccer. "Jerome is a promising youth that played in some of the biggest academies and teams in England."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams shows his solid pedigree of mediocre performances.

Top 10 Tips From Professionals For Up And Coming Soccer Photographers

Here at The Nutmeg News we work with a variety of photojournalists who gave us their top tips for aspiring photojournalists on starting the journey to being a professional soccer photographer.

photo: Natacha Pisarenko, Associated Press

#1 Purchase The Most Expensive Camera Possible

You know that you aren't going to make it as a professional with that Canon Elph that you got as a gift for working as a Server Administrator at that COLO for 5 years, so go hog wild.

The more you spend, the better your pictures are going to be. SPEND SPEND SPEND. You better not cheap out on that busted-ass 5D, friendo. If you are going to shoot sports we recommend the Nikon D5. The body will set you back about $6,500. 

We can also suggest the Canon EOS 1DX II, but despite it having a faster frames per second rate than the Nikon and likely being a better action camera, it's cheaper by $500 which means it isn't as good and everyone lugging around a Nikon will know that you are just a scrub in this game.

#2 Purchase Every Lens Available For Your Camera

Ok, so you dropped $6,500 on the camera body, right? Well you are only PART way there. You can't show up to a gun fight with an empty gun, right? You need bullets! Your lens for your camera is your ammunition. Hey Man, Nice Shot (Filter reference for you 90s kids)

IT'S A STEAL AT $2,396.95!!

So yes, start buying zoom lenses, portrait lenses, super telephoto zoom lens, a macro lens, and just about anything else that you might think you need. Remember, you can't have enough of a lens collection. Other photographers are going to judge you if you don't have the right lens for the conditions. 

#3 Don't Accept That You Are A Peon 

Look, you are a big deal. You spent nearly $15,000 on camera equipment with a bachelors degree in Finance. You need to work and by that we don't mean taking candid shots of supporters in the bleachers (although that is going to happen, see #5) Apply, first and foremost, for press credentials to literally every single soccer and sports event. Expect them to pay you for your work and fly you out there. C'mon guys!

#4 Create A Blog To Get Your Press Credentials

When tip #3 doesn't work, go to tip #4.

Soccer in the Untied States and Canada desperately needs people covering it, and with your blog www.topsoccernewsbyjames.com you will be able to get access to nearly anything even if your monthly coverage is just screenshots of the current results. 

#5 Leverage The Fans To Generate Exposure To Your Work

People are incredibly narcissistic. If you want to make a name, start by shooting all your fellow fans who will share your work because they are displayed passionately in those same pictures. Use this to build a following, sell some prints, get a more stable press credential situation and eventually you will be one step closer to raking in the big money.

#6 Stop Shooting The Stands When You Make It On The Field

Professional photographers don't make their money by selling 8x10s of face painted fans. They make their money by catching an action shot from the right angle at the right time. Don't let the professional photographers know that you used to be up in the stands by continuing to shoot the stands when you get to the field. Just because they got you on the field doesn't mean you need to keep taking pictures of them once you get there.

#7 SOCIAL MEDIA -- ALL FORMS -- IMMEDIATELY

Instagram, snapchat, twitter, facebook, myspace, linkedin, reddit, deviant art, google groups, pintrest.... everything. Have an account everywhere. Make certain you are updating it all the time. There's no such thing as having too many photos out on the web.

#8 It's Making A Picture, Not Taking A Picture

See tip #7 and blast this mantra out to everyone. Remember that if you aren't having conversations about making a picture utilizing exposure, grain, noise, and composition that you likely are going to be taking pictures for the annual hayride and not the world cup.

#9 Filter Early, No Filter Late

Remember to use filters, sunbursts, contrast manipulation and photo manipulation early before you phase it out as you become interested in composition (see tip #8). You'll start out editing photos to your faux avant-garde standard with tweaks and do less and less of that as you move on in your career ensuring that you tell everyone about your new minimalist art style of shooting and displaying raw photos.

#10 MAKE THAT MONEY

Remember, you are a photographer, you make money. Go ahead and purchase that Ducati because the dollar bills are going to be rolling in.

Man Finally Convinced To Stop Supporting MLS "Franchise"

Dallas, TX - FC Dallas fan Romeo Thurgood admitted that he was finally convinced to stop supporting a, "franchise under the control of a secret cabal of elites," as he gave up on soccer in the United States and in general.

"None of this is real! You are all puppets of the landed gentry!"

"Well, It's back to Baseball for me," stated Thurgood to The Nutmeg News. "It took a few hundred people telling me that I was supporting a tool for the advancement of the wealth of a small controlling few, but after the last comment of, 'Fuck your team. You don't support a club, it's a franchise,' I finally saw the light. I'm going to leave this franchise situation and stop giving my money to Don Garber and go back to giving my money to Ray Davis and Bob Simpson."

Thurgood stated that he was going to go back to his original love of the Texas Rangers and try to catch a few Major Arena Soccer League games with the Dallas Sidekicks in the Allen Event Center.

"The Rangers have been historically mismanaged with only a recent history of amazing success and a large contingent of bandwagon fans, but at least people will stop telling me to go fuck myself for supporting my local team."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Thurgood tries to get the wave started in the bleachers. 

Forgetful Robert Kraft FaceTimes New England Revolution From White House Party To Wish Them Good Night

WASHINGTON - A forgetful and apologetic Robert Kraft FaceTimed the New England Revolution from a White House party celebration with the New England Patriots to wish the Revs good night and promise, again, that, if they were good, they would all go get ice cream on Sunday.

TURN IT UP!

TURN. IT UP!

I want to hear some of that new Chainsmokers!

"Daddy is sorry," stated Kraft to the assembled group of Revolution players at half time of the 0-0 draw with the San Jose Earthquakes. "It's late and I didn't have cell service til now, but I promise that if everyone behaves.... we can go out to Toscanini's on Sunday!"

Kraft then began yelling off screen for some bottle service and to have someone grab Rob Gronkowski to come read One Fish Red Fish to the boys before they were put to bed when his signal cut out again.

Inside sources say that Jay Heaps kicked the floor after the screen went quiet and mumbled something about how, "We are never going to be a family again."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Kraft forgets to take the Revolution out for Ice Cream when he test drives a new yacht to Ibiza on Sunday.

FC Edmonton Prepare Zamboni For Upcoming Game Against Puerto Rico

Edmonton, AB - FC Edmonton are reportedly preparing the official FC Edmonton Zamboni for their upcoming home game at Clarke Stadium against Puerto Rico FC as temperatures are currently projected to be around -2 in the evening with the possibility of snow/rain on Saturday.

The FC Edmonton Zamboni in hover mode.... apparently.... c'mon people.... is this the best we can do?

"We are excited to have the conditions in our favour," stated head coach Colin Miller. "IF the weather turns out as forecast, the official Zamboni is going to really clean up the prevailing layer of ice that typically will not leave our surface alone allowing us a clean skating...er...running path towards the goal."

Reportedly, Puerto Rico FC has no idea what they are about to get themselves into as players are bringing every bit of clothing they can wear for the potentially frigid temperatures.

However, local reports indicate that likely any snow will not stick resulting in a wasted opportunity to use the zamboni in game action as Paul McKenzie stated, "We will see what happens with the weather, but c'mon... game six is on Saturday."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the snow showers never develop.

Seattle Sounders Waiting Til July 26, 2017 To Fire Brian Schmetzer

Seattle, WA - The Seattle Sounders stated today that they will be waiting til July 26, 2017 to fire Brian Schmetzer, regardless of the results leading up to the date, as they unveil their strategy to get back to the 2017 MLS Cup finals.

Someone brought the cup!

(AP Photo/Elaine Thompson, File)

"We have a clear blueprint of what worked for us in 2016," stated Sounders owner Adrian Hanauer. "We plan on letting these result go on til July 26. At this point, we expect to be near the bottom of the league. On July 26th we will fire Brian Schmetzer, promote Ezra Hendrickson to head coach and ride the wave of optimism to MLS Cup 2017."

Sources within the front office indicate that this new plan is called "Sigi-Ex Machina" and that the Sounders brass are very excited for another Cup victory.

"What we proved last year is that the impossible is possible if you fire your head coach at the appropriate time in the season," stated minority owner and Guatemalan cocaine expert Joe Roth. "We are preparing space in the trophy room for MLS Cup 2017 and preparing a generous severance package for our soon to be fired friend Brian."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Sounders players do their part.