The Nutmeg News prints opinion pieces from local contributors, at select times. Today's opinion piece comes from a Mr. Randall Watson of Perry, IA. The viewpoints and opinions of Mr. Watson do not necessarily reflect the viewpoints and opinions of The Nutmeg News.
You won't believe the truth "big soccer" isn't telling you, people...
I'm going to tell you this in as easy a way as possible.
THE BALL IS FLAT.
That's right. The object you think is a sphere or a globe? It's flat. It's been flat, it is flat, it's always been flat. You think the ball is round? Well, have you ever seen the other side? No. You can't see the other side because the ball is flat. The horizon is real, people, WAKE UP.
Here at the Flat Ball Institute (FBI) we have a bevy of scientists working on debunking the myth that the ball is a spheroid. True ball scientists at FBI call the shape a disc, to reference the fact that the object itself is flat.
Argentina v England Hand of God goal? The disc caught a breeze.
Torsten Frings World Cup hand ball? The disc flew into him like a frisbee.
These are all examples of your senses telling you that we do not watch a spherical playing ball sport.
The evidence for a flat disc is derived from many different facets of science and philosophy. This is not a religious movement, rather this is a zeal for exploring science in a natural state. The simplest method for proving Flat Ball Theory is by relying on ones own senses to discern the true nature of the world around us. The field is flat. The Red and Yellow cards are flat. The TV screen is flat. The sole of a soccer cleat is flat. Why would a soccer player have a flat cleat and a flat foot if the ball is round? They wouldn't. They would have a round foot and a round cleat to kick a round ball, and yet they don't. All of this is clearly pointing towards a disc shaped ball.
Big Soccer and the international Illuminati embedded at FIFA want you to believe that the ovoid shape of the "ball" came from rugby, but the truth is it that the shape of the disc came from disc golf and Ultimate Frisbee. FIFA can't sell the working class on that heritage. You cant sell the coal miners in England on a kid named Aiden with a pukka shell necklace and a community college minor in physical education who invented the worlds game while on a break from social studies to go slackline the American west.
"You can go to the game and look at the ball yourself," my detractors would say. However scientists with the naturapath division of FBI have evidence that photographers and cameramen use fisheye lenses to distort your field of vision. Everyone knows that photographs can't be trusted.
If you think I'm going to fall into an "appeal to authority" fallacy by just believing MLS players that have a stake in the game to keep it a secret, you don't know anything about logic. Check. mate.
In closing, keep your eyes open and watch the disc. You know it is true. It's as flat as this page, or your hand, or the phone on which you are reading this.
Thank you and good night,
FBI Director Randall Watson
PO Box 88324 Perry, IA - 50220