Timbers Fan Still Pretending Like Early Results Matter

Portland, OR - Timbers fan Eddie Guzman is, reportedly, still pretending like early results in the Major League Soccer (MLS) season matter as he was still incensed about the loss to Sporting Kansas City, three days later.

DOOOOOOOMED! DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMED!

"This is really going to hurt our chances at lifting MLS cup," stated Guzman who willfully ignored the Galaxy late run to MLS Cup in 2014, the Timbers late run to MLS Cup in 2015, and the Seattle Sounders late run to MLS Cup in 2016.

Friends and family say that Guzman had a minor meltdown in the stands after the loss as he repeatedly screamed curse words while yelling, "this will doom our MLS Cup campaign," despite the Timbers still being in first place in the Western Conference.

"I don't believe that he really is that upset about this loss," stated good friend Jessica Barnette. "He just needs something to pour his frustration into after getting laid off from his job."

"We need to be getting points early and ensuring that we qualify for the playoffs," stated Guzman as he willfully ignored that 12 of the 22 teams in the league make the playoffs.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Guzman calms down just enough to freak out about next weekends game.

Soccer Podcast Sets Record As It Reaches Tens Of People

Denver, CO - Rapids podcast Burgundy Blues reportedly set a new milestone for downloads as they admitted to reaching tens of people for their weekly rants and diatribes about the boys in burgundy playing north east of Denver.

"Welcome to the most popular Rapids podcast on the internet! A quick shout out to our regular listeners in the Denver area..... Jeff, Larry, Larry's cousin Ralph, Dave, my wife Carla, Steve, Billy, Greg, Hector, and Jim."

"It's a really fantastic feeling after spending way too much money on equipment, microphones, and a new computer to finally have an audience," stated host of Burgundy Blues, Ron Johnson. "I kept telling all my friends that I used as co-hosts over the past 5 years that if we just kept at the podcasting game that eventually we would break through to double digits."

With Major League Soccer in an upswing, or something, Johnson felt that persistence was the key to finally getting to 11 or 12 listeners.

"We worked very hard at this. Our twitter account has nearly 700 followers, so we are delighted on the return at our time investment over the past 5 years."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Johnson begins to dream about selling ad-space on his podcast.

Honeymoon Period Over, As Four Home Games Gives Orlando City Fan Enough Time To Start Disliking People Around Him

Orlando, FL - Soccer fan David Thibault admitted that, after four home games, the honeymoon period of going to the new Orlando City stadium has finally worn off leaving him free to start disliking the people in the stands around him, again.

It is still really, really pretty, though.

Matt Stamey-USA TODAY Sports

"I was entranced with the view and the amenities and just walking around the park," stated Thibault to The Nutmeg News. "I forgot all about the guy that is always taking selfies, or the woman that gets really drunk, or the people who constantly sell their season tickets to the opposing fans, or the employees who tell you to go to the wrong exit. Those first few games were really my salad days of enjoyment, in the park, as I was able to experience the games as though a naked baby wandering through the woods filled with the wonder of life and full of the vim and vigor that curiosity can entail. I was rudely brought back to earth by the guy who just repeatedly constantly yells, 'fuck you, you fucking dickhead,' every five seconds into my ear at some random player."

Thibault  started down this dark path again when Ramon Acosta, an Orlando City fan who sits one row behind him, accidentally spilled two full beers sending a cascading surge of dark liquid down underneath Thibault's seat and soaking his newly purchased scarf in pungent liquid.

"Yep, I'm officially over that part of going to the stadium again. I just want to show up, sing, do some fun chants, drink beer and go home like we did at the start. Now I have some drunk idiot next to me trying to get me to sing along with his Battle For Evermore Chant he wrote for Kaka. Can't beat the results though."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Thibault continues to go and complain while simultaneously enjoying the games and the camaraderie.

NWSL Broadcasting Deal Allows Woman To Focus On Other Things Than Soccer

Kansas City, KC - FC Kansas City fan Ruth Young stated that the new National Women's Soccer League (NWSL) broadcasting deal with Go90 will allow her to focus on other things than soccer during the upcoming 2017 season.

Brace yourself... inconvenience is coming!

"Not being able to watch the games in an easy way is going to offer me the chance to really explore my other interests in life," stated Young to The Nutmeg News on Friday.

"I'll still be attending my FCKC games, but since I won't really have an easy way to watch any other NWSL games I'm just going to schedule a Crossfit class and really focus on my Spanish language immersion classes for my upcoming vacation to Costa Rica."

Young indicated that she would typically sit down and watch other games in the league on her television via Youtube, but the broken broadcasting deal with Go90 that restricts her to only mobile use means that she will have more time on her hands to chase after other futile things than soccer.

"I might even take up a jiu jitsu class," exclaimed Young. "I will be watching dramatically less soccer games because of the difficulty of all this, but I'm determined to make the best of it."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Young attempts to stream a game before giving up and just going to futsal.

United States Announce That Mexico Will Pay For Joint CONCACAF World Cup Bid

CHICAGO - The US Soccer Federation (USSF) announced, today, that a clause in their joint CONCACAF World Cup bid indicates that Mexico will foot the bill for all costs of the bid and the tournament infrastructure for the World Cup as the countries gathered together, along with Canada, to attempt to win the tournament typically given to the biggest briber.

Diplomatic Relations

"We will be issuing a joint bid, and Mexico will pay for it," stated Sunil Gulati. "It's important to understand that the United States, according to mandate from the federal government, must blame Mexico for nearly everything related to social and political evils. The only way for Mexico to continue to have a relationship with the United States going forward is for them to pay for every hair brained idea that we, as a country, have."

A statement from Gerónimo Gutiérrez, the Mexican Ambassador to the United States, indicate that the country will be doing no such thing and that there is currently, "No plan in place for paying for any of the United States infrastructure or CONCACAF bid."

However, this denial reportedly just stiffened the resolve of Gulati and the USSF as they stated, "Mexico will pay for this tournament, one way or another... mostly because we can't currently afford the bribes necessary to get it here."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the US Soccer Federation issues a bill to the Federación Mexicana de Fútbol Asociación for renovations to the Rose Bowl in 2017.

Newsroom Debates "Curtains For Curtin" Headline

Philadelphia, PA - Highly placed sources within the newsroom for the Philadelphia Spectator indicate that editors and writers at the newspaper are debating the usage of a "Curtains For Curtin" headline if the current winless head coach of the Union is relieved of his duties.

(ISI Photos/Brad Smith)

"I think it's too on the nose," stated Union beat reporter Davis Livingston. "We have standards to uphold and I dread the idea of using this headline to indicate that Jim Curtin lost his position."

Social media expert Heather Brooking stated, "This will get shared everywhere by Union fans when the inevitable happens. It isn't making light of the situation, it's a necessary evil to get the story out there with some punch."

Reportedly, the newsroom is more split on this headline issue than they were on utilizing Adieu Adu as a headline after Freddy Adu was released.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as "Curtains For Curtin" is saved in the draft format as... you know.. a placeholder... you know... just in case.

Major League Soccer Announces Possible Expansion Into Jeff's Living Room If Stadium Bond Passes

Jarbidge, NV - Major League Soccer (MLS), today, announced possible expansion into Jeff Larson's living room if the stadium bond for the tiny town of Jarbidge passes.

The downtown of Jarbidge is begging for the economic revival a soccer specific stadium can bring.

"I'm going to build the stadium here," stated Larson as his gesticulated with a large sweeping motion at his coffee table and couch. "This is going to be a community project so I feel like the community should pay for it. The economic benefit for Jarbrige will be huge."

Reportedly, the robust population of 111 people grew by a staggering 126.5% since 2000 with the median age of 36.7 fitting a target demographic that MLS covets for their ability to have and spend disposable income.

"We don't know what Jeff is thinking, but we strenuously want to advocate for a better cleanup of the roads from the winter and more money for our school. Maybe even a dry goods option, for the area," stated Jefferson Ramapo, mayor of Jarbidge. "The community isn't certain that this whole MLS thing is a good idea and we think there are far better ways to spend $70 million dollars."

Despite the reservations of the Mayor and the city council, Larson continues ahead stating to our reporters that, "there is nothing like a 21,000 seat stadium to drive interest locally in soccer. Don Garber stated that Jarbidge is #MLSReady that he was very interested in doing business with my ownership group of one once I told him that I might have the votes."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Larson lays out the location of Jarbidge United's training facility with caution tape he picked up from the open windows of a Forest Service vehicle.

Soccer Fans Already Not Attending St. Louis FC Games Can't Wait To Become "Best Fans In Soccer"

St. Louis, MO - Soccer fans already not attending St. Louis FC games reportedly can't wait to become, "The Best Fans In Soccer," as they build upon their resume as the, "Best Fans In Baseball (tm)".

Support your local team

"We already know the legends of Tony La Russa, Stan Musial, Bob Gibson, Charles Comiskey, and the fact that we have over 10,000 wins," stated Cardinals superfan Deryk Franklin. "But that's not even the start of it. The real deal is that we are the Best Fans In Baseball and we will become the Best Fans In Soccer just as soon as we have a soccer team worth supporting."

Franklin proceeded to then wax rhapsodic about the knowledgeable St. Louis Cardinals and Soccer fan stating, "We clap when players make a correct shift in the outfield. We negotiate the treacherous conversations about the bunt. We always show up for our team in large numbers. Being the Best Fans In Baseball is just a natural part of our existence, just like winning a World Series and being against the Designated Hitter. We just can't wait to show everyone our historic love of soccer in the city for all the teams currently not playing and the one that may or may not come based upon a stadium that currently isn't built. We are talking about over 100 years of history from the St. Louis Soccer league and the St. Leo's to the Stars, the Steamers, the Storm and those other clubs that might be running right now in a league that isn't MLS."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we attempt to quickly spin up a "Best Fans In Soccer" twitter account only find out it is involved in a pitch battle between Atlanta United and Seattle Sounders fans.

Caleb Porter Announces That Substitutions For Yesterdays Revolution Game Will Be Made Against Philadelphia Union

Portland, OR - Caleb Porter, glacially slow to react head coach of the Portland Timbers, announced on Monday morning that substitutions for yesterdays game against the New England Revolution would be made during the upcoming Philadelphia Union road game.

(AP File Photo/Don Ryan

"We have a deep squad. We have a confident squad. We feel very comfortable with the options off the bench," stated Porter to the collected masses of press and bloggers. 

Reportedly, immediately after the whistle blows to start the game against the Union, Porter will make a double substitution of Darren Mattocks for Darlington Nagbe and Dairon Asprilla for Sebastian Blanco.

Porter then stated, "We will play the rest of 89:59 minutes of the Union game without making a substitution so that we can make our subs for the Union game against Sporting Kansas City."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Porter schedules a two week period to think about whether this is a good option and write a thesis that supports this position.

Meet The Nutmeg News Staff Writers

The Nutmeg News staff directory for Major League Soccer stories in 2017:

Atlanta United: Rob Usry

Chicago Fire: Nicole Hack

Colorado Rapids: Abbie Mood

Columbus Crew: Morgan Hughes

DC United: Srdan Bastaic

FC Dallas: Drew Epperly

Houston Dynamo: Stuart Holden

Los Angeles FC: Alicia Rodriguez

Los Angeles Galaxy: Cozmo

Miami FC: Open Grave

Minnesota United: Kate Sophia

Montreal Impact: North Star Bell

New England Revolution: Gene Anderson

New York Red Bull: Mark Fishkin

New York City FC: Sam Dunn

Orlando City: Gavin Ewbank

Philadelphia Union: Jonathan Tannenwald

Portland Timbers: Todd Diskin

Real Salt Lake: Matt Montgomery

San Jose Earthquakes: Dave Kaval

Seattle Sounders: Tom Biro

Sporting Kansas City: Ben Gartland

Toronto FC: Kurt Larsun

Vancouver Whitecaps: Paul Sabourin-Hertzog

We wanted to let you all know that we've been having a lot of fun over the past couple years and wanted to say that it's been great to set aside our differences and rivalries and take a minute to poke fun at each other, as well as ourselves. Join us for the first annual TNN Con in Las Vegas this summer. Details to come. 

As well, please note that our writers are trying to keep The Nutmeg News and their private Twitter accounts separate so none of our writers or editors will acknowledge their involvement and will, in fact, deny any involvement with TNN if asked. Thank you for all your patronage and we hope to keep you entertained for years to come or sell out as fast as Audi can convince us with a million dollar check.

From all of us here at TNN, "Let's go Chelsea! UP THE MEN IN RED! Dance on, Peter Crouch!"

Rec League Roundup: Players Commitment To Offense Only Surpassed By Complete Disregard For Defense

Denver, CO - On FC Aurora, teammates of midfielder Jeff Coogins remarked that his remarkable commitment to offense is only surpassed by his complete disregard for defense as the bulldozing midfielder again abandoned his position to push forward for a chance at goal.

DAMMIT JEFF! GET BACK IN POSITION!

"He's a maniac in the midfield," stated Suaib Hassan, the central defender who has to cover for Coogins marauding runs. "He is fully committed to offense, I'll give him that, but I'm incredibly tired from having to cover him running up-field every chance he gets."

According to sources, Coogins stated, "I'm not tracking back for that shit," as FC Aurora gave up another counter attack goal. Coogins also stated, "I'm OPEN.... I'M OPEN," as he proceeded to abandon his position in an effortless attempt to copy the total football sides of the Netherlands that he read about just recently in Brilliant Orange.

Reports from the field indicate that the game finished with FC Aurora losing 8-4, however Coogins scored 2 of the 4 goals.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Coogins debates changing teams to one where everyone is, "just more chill about this stuff. It's rec-league, man."

Still No Canadian Teams As Discrimination Continues In The 104th US Open Cup

Soccer teams from Canada were, reportedly, outraged as the rampant discrimination in the US Open Cup tournament continued for the 104th year with the announcement that not one single Canadian team made the tournament.

Now this is a proper crest.

Halifax men's soccer teams Athens Too and Metro Mariners FC stated that they complied with every necessary requirement to enter the tournament only to grievously be overlooked for the United States championship.

"We are a strong Canadian team from Halifax. We aren't going to be afraid of some MLS team with their money," stated Mariners player John Jorgenson. "Just wait til they have to come here to play a game, then we will show them how to play."

Calls to US Soccer were not answered as The Nutmeg News searched for reasons as to why there is such a discrimination against Canadian teams.

"We don't know why this keeps happening," stated director of Timbit procurement for Athens Too Stephen Harper. "We just know that one day a Canadian team will have a chance to play for the US Open Cup if we just keep working at it."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we chase down an answer from US Scocer on their rampant discrimination.

Schweinsteiger Refusal To Commit To The Chicago Fire Winning The World Cup Shows Distinct Lack Of Desire

CHICAGO - As #BastianWatch nears its inevitable nadir, most experts agree that the refusal of Bastian Schweinsteiger to commit to the Chicago Fire winning the World Cup shows his distinct lack of desire that likely lead to his commitment to this league in the first place.

"I'm an expert, and I agree."

"I'd say that this shows exactly why he is in Major League Soccer," stated director of Footballing for his sons U-8 rec league team and advocate for Promotion/Relegation in Major League Soccer James Whitworth. 

"This is some idiocy," stated Issac Burdow, reporter for the Chicago Sun Tribune and man who just finished the first chapter of Inverting the Pyramid. "If Schweinsteiger won't commit to the Fire winning the World Cup, then why is he here? For the paycheck? Get out."

Meanwhile, owner Andrew Hauptman insisted that the Fire were ready to compete with Mexico and Paraguay during the qualification stages stating that the Fire were just one DP away from being able to, "effectively challenge against teams on an international level if our fans don't get in our way."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this retirement league when they decide to commit to a 10 year plan towards winning the World Cup.

Chicago Fans Arrested For Repeatedly Chanting FIRE FIRE FIRE At O'Hare Airport

CHICAGO - Reports swirled that numerous Chicago Fire fans were arrested at Chicago O'Hare airport after repeatedly singing the stalwart Chicago Fire supporters terrace favorite FIRE FIRE FIRE chant.

Time to break out those Bayern Munich and Manchester United kits!

Fans were warned by Airport security that repeatedly singing the song, which only contains the word fire, would not be allowed.

"They threatened us with arrest," stated Chicago Fire fan Dale Gordon. "This is bullshit!"

The Nutmeg News spoke to security at O'Hare airport who stated that the warning wasn't for the usage of the word Fire in an airport, but rather that the one word chant is just really fucking annoying.

"We just couldn't stand hearing it over and over and over and over again," stated director of Terminal Security James Verploeg. "At least they could include another word, right?"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans continue to yell FIRE in an airport.

OUR Psychic Can Tell Who The Sideline Reporter Is From This Simple Picture... Can YOU?!

Beat The Nutmeg News psychic! Who is the sideline reporter for this broadcast team? NO GOOGLING and vote below

Riverhounds Fan Misses Hertzog Goal While Staring At Placid Serenity Of Monongahela River

Pittsburgh, PA - Pittsburgh Riverhounds fan Tom Campbell admitted that he missed the season opening Riverhounds goal by Corey Hertzog as Campbell was blankly staring at the placid serenity of the Monongahela River.

Look over at the play, Tom! COME ON, MAN!

"New York scored and I was staring at the river thinking about riverboat captains and how people used to travel during the 1800s," stated Campbell to The Nutmeg News. "I didn't know that Hertzog was going to score such a great goal. I had to wait until someone uploaded a gif to actually see it."

Campbell states that with his seats in section 108, that he sometimes just daydreams about travelling down the river towards the distant frontier as he stares at the passing boats.

"It was a tough day for me, to be honest. Prior to the game I consumed a burrito and the contents were weighing upon my constitution. I just stared out at the river and was thinking about old steamships when everyone started celebrating."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Campbell attempts to not be distracted by the paddle wheel boat cruising up and down the river... and .... what if we all went back to that simple time when people dressed up to get on boats and.... oh shit... is that another goal?

While Having A Serious Look In The Mirror, Minnesota United Defenders Give Up Additional Goal

Minneapolis, MN - At the behest of head coach and cannon fodder Adrian Heath, the Minnesota United defense took a serious look in the mirror at themselves and proceeded to give up another crushing goal just two days after their debacle against the New England Revolution.

 Chris Christo - Boston Herald

"Coach said that we needed to take a look at ourselves in the mirror," stated defender Vadim Demidov. "So we did, and we let in another goal. It was terrible. We asked the coach for better instructions on how to stop letting in goals but he just kept screaming at us to seriously look in the mirror and that this honest self reflection that stop them from scoring."

Apparently, while the back four of Minnesota United stared at themselves in the mirror intently, Juan Agudelo ran through the bewildered back line and struck home another goal putting the tally at 6 goals on the weekend.

"I didn't know there would be enough space out there, but it was easy," stated Agudelo. "They just kept talking about needing to stare at themselves in a mirror and really figure out why this is happening. I thought they would have actual instructions to do things like play compact, stay in front of the ball, prevent crosses into the box and stop the leaks, but they kept shouting at each other to look in the mirror."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Minnesota United defense switches to hand mirrors to aid mobility.

NPSL Supporters Group Experiences Massive Membership Growth

Mishawaka, IN - The Fozzie Bears, an NPSL Supporters Group, stated that a membership drive and reach out program for the upcoming season succeeded as they experienced massive growth for the 2017 season with a 100% increase of supporters to bring their membership to a bulging group of four.

Scintilating Action! THUNDEROUS support!

"Well, Jerry talked to Sam," stated Director of Membership, President, Treasurer and T.I.F.O designer for the Bears, Larry Esterhaus. "Sam talked to his wife Kym and they both bought some tickets. This year we are going to be a force to be reckoned with, in the stands."

Reportedly, with their supporters section doubled to four, the Bears are planning some new elaborate displays and chants for the 2017 season.

"We are already planning on really getting involved making T.I.F.O for the season," stated Esterhaus. "I'm planning on bringing some fabric over to Jerry's house for our poker and beer night and we are going to see what we can make with a bunch of sharpies. It's going to be amazing. I've also got a bunch Kenny Loggins chants for this year. Nothing says topical chants like digging up a song that will guarantee everyone knows how old you as you sing it to a bunch of unpaid amateurs who weren't even born when Kenny Loggins was at his peak. As we say, MishaWAKA-WAKA-WAKA! Go Fozzie Bears! We are the best supporters group in the land!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Fozzie Bears dissolve into disagreement over Capo Jerry's insistence of using a megaphone to direct the other three members in chants.

Jeff Plush Replaced By An Inanimate Pot Of Geraniums

CHICAGO - According to reports from the National Women's Soccer League (NWSL), Jeff Plush was finally replaced as NWSL Commissioner, after stepping down, by an inanimate pot of geraniums which immediately gave a terse, "no comment," on the North Carolina HB2 law, any further league expansion, and the transfers of Carli Lloyd, Crystal Dunn and Alex Morgan.

"I have no comment."

The pot of geraniums did indicate that it took on the role as commissioner until a suitable long term replacement could be found for Plush as it truly loves the game of soccer and really needs to have fertilizer every two weeks to encourage growth.

"We feel that the pot of geraniums can lead us to a bright future," stated the Deputy Commissioner of the NWSL, a half buttered slice of toast. "With the season about to begin, it was incumbent upon us to ensure that we had a commissioner in place and a plan for growth. There is no better representative of the US Soccer commitment to the NWSL than this pot of geraniums and we feel like it will be a great representative going forward."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Geraniums makes another "no comment" statement on the Houston Dash and the new Texas bathroom bill.

New Study Proves That A Drunken Idiot Will Be The Fan From Your Team Interviewed On Television

A new study by the Hollbrook Society, in conjunction with the RAND corporation, proved conclusively that a drunken idiot will be the fan interviewed by local and international news when they come to your town, soon.

"That fan that sits near you that everyone hates? Coming up on sports after the break!"

"We studied set up fan interviews, fan on the street interviews and anything that was set up ad-hoc for a pre/post game interview," stated Director of Statistics and Broomball theory Theresa Spande. "Our data proved, conclusively, that the fan that the international and local news will interview is nearly 100% guaranteed to be a drunken idiot incapable of forming any kind of complete or coherent sentence."

Researchers say that the demographic, in the United States and Canada, of the fan interviewed is likely to be Male from 20 to 35 years old with a blood alcohol level of .08 or higher with a 50% chance of wearing a national team kit or English team kit to a club game with a front office scarf.

"We noticed that they typically appear highly intoxicated, and have a 60% chance of resorting to some kind of patronizing speech patterns. There is also a 75% chance of a 'woo' statement in place of some kind of meaningful information, as well as a decent chance of the fan referring to the interviewer by their first name, if the interviewer is an attractive woman."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we look closer at the data that proves that the guy you know that spent most of the morning downing tequila in the parking lot is the one now talking to the British reporter about the upcoming game and fan culture in North America.