USL Player's Third Touch Is World Class

USL Player Mark Brandonovich stated, on Wednesday morning, that his long time quest to improve his game finally paid dividends as his third touch on the ball is now, reportedly, world class.



"My first touch? It's garbage," stated Brandonovich to The Nutmeg News. "My second touch? It's a bit like trying to kick a ball with a side of roast beef, but my THIRD touch is absolutely, bang on, unbelievable to see world class."

Brandonovich has long been regarded as having the first touch of a drunk rhinoceros attempting to perform colon surgery with his horn, but Brandonovich worked on his game over the 2016 offseason and now is reaping the plaudits from the coaching staff and fellow players.

"Mark's third touch is out of this world," stated head coach Tommy Jackson. "It's just insane to see, honestly. His third touch is better than any player I've ever seen and I watched Cristiano Ronaldo play in training. Of course, due to his first and second touch, Mark is really not worth playing at any time where we need to protect the lead, nor does he need to start, but when we need a player to play roughly 10 minutes at the end of the game and take pot shots at the opposition goal without passing to an open man, he's our guy."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Brandonovich develops a cult following with his fanbase for his exploits on the field.