CHICAGO - It was announced today that the 100 million dollar US Soccer Federation surplus would be spent on a nationwide orange slice initiative to increase the number of orange slices for children playing the game.
"We are very concerned about the lack of orange slices out there," stated Sunil Gulati, President of the US Soccer Federation. "We understand that there is a severe orange slices shortage in the Simi Valley area as well the youth teams in the Santa Barbara area. There's also a reported shortage in San Diego. We need to address this. We need to fix this. That's why we are implementing this Orange Slice For Everyone initiative. We can really improve access to orange slices by ensuring that orange slices are offered at every single pay-to-play academy and horribly coached youth team across the United States."
The USSF stated that they would also use a portion of the surplus as a reservoir for bribes, in case FIFA gets touchy about the upcoming World Cup bid by North America.
"It's important for us to have a slush fund that we can use for brib...er.... incentives, just in case this whole thing goes pear shaped," stated Dan Flynn, CEO of US Soccer. "If that doesn't work we will likely renovate our headquarters because we need a new conference table and I want a new view. But yeah.... orange slices... that's the ticket."
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as USSF figures out a way to spend money on anything but a way to make the game of soccer more inclusive and less expensive to children across the United States.