Rube Spends Morning Actually Voting His Favorite Players To The All-Star Game

Pleasant Valley, MO - Sporting Kansas City fan and complete rube Harmon Unfert admitted that he already spent most of Tuesday morning actually voting his favorite players to the All-Star game.

"Playing more games is a good idea. Especially ones that have no essential meaning other than allowing media members the chance to talk to other media members in a club while dub-step blares in the background."

"I want to see them play the Arsenal team from England," stated Unfert to The Nutmeg News on Tuesday. "I'm always thinking about them and their finances and I'm afraid that the guys who are making 3 times my salary aren't going to hit their bonus quotas for the year."

Reportedly, the fact that Sporting Kansas City are in three competitions this season did nothing to sway the vote of Unfert who stated, "They can always just buy more players."

"I don't see why it's a big deal to vote more of our star players into a meaningless friendly. So what if we are playing an actual league game against the Seattle Sounders 4 days before the All-Star Game. So what if we are playing an actual league game against the Portland Timbers 3 days after the All-Star Game. Trust me, the number one thing we want to do is expose our team to more time running around and more of a chance for them to make money on a meaningless friendly mid-season that allows them to hit their targeted bonus clause. I know that is why I'm in this game, to ensure that our players hit their bonus. It's all about the finances."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Unfert repeatedly votes to cancel out all the "Negative Nellys"

"Actually It's A Really Difficult Job," States Fan Previously Screaming Obscenities At Referee

Orlando, FL - Orlando City fan Deryk Thompson turned to friend Steven Blazykowski and stated, "Actually it's a really difficult job" just after screaming, "GO FUCK YOURSELF AND DIE, ELFATH!" during the Orlando City game against Toronto FC on the 25th of June.

"ALL IS FORGIVEN AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I HAD AGAINST THE REFEREE!"

Reportedly, Thompson was made unbelievably angry by referee Ismael Elfath regarding a decision made by the referee during the game against Toronto to not award a free kick. This decision was deemed so egregious that Thompson routinely screamed profanities, heard only by the six rows that surround the area where he stands, at Elfath.

"I mean, it's an incredibly tough position to be in and you can't expect a referee to get everything correct," stated Thompson as he attempted to get a chant going of, "FUCK YOU, REF!"

The Nutmeg News interviewed friend Anita West about Mr. Thompson's outbursts and she stated the following, "Well, Deryk is always tough but fair. He yells belligerently at the people around him about the referee, but he also admits that it is a tough job to perform. We all feel that his gentle asides about the referee excuses his verbal assault on him at maximum decibel levels."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Thompson prepares for another week in the dichotomy of being a sensible and infuriatingly avid fan.

Fan Hospitalized After Attempt To Drink Til Team Looks Good

Seattle, WA - Seattle Sounders fan Jeremy Wilson admitted that his attempt to drink until the Sounders looked good did not go well as he was hospitalized after consuming too many alcoholic beverages during the Sounders recent 2-0 loss to New York City FC.

He needs three points! Can anyone find three points in this hospital! SOMEONE FIND THREE POINTS, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

"Did they win?" asked Mr Wilson as he woke up in the emergency room of Northwest Hospital. "I don't remember anything after minute 55."

Reportedly, Mr Wilson attempted this new technique to blunt the effects of watching the Sounders frenetically faff their way around the midfield in the futile attempt at the act of scoring a goal.

"I thought, well... if I'm going to have to watch this, then I might as well drink until it looks good," stated Wilson to The Nutmeg News. "It turns out that it worked for about 5 minutes as I tried to carefully balance the too drunk and the not drunk enough fugue states and then I don't really know what happened."

Wilson was pulled from the Emerald City Supporters section in Century Link field as he attempted to drink a bottle of sunscreen while shouting, "I AM OBAFEMI MARTINS! PUT ME IN THE GAME!" Mr. Wilson was also purportedly stripping his shirt, shorts, and shoes off as he belligerently sang the wrong lyrics at the wrong time to "Roll On Columbia"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Wilson considers whether it was the quantity or perhaps the quality of the beer that caused the Sounders to lose.

Intervention Staged For Woman Binge Watching Soccer

NEW YORK - "We just want you to know, that we care for you and we love you and we miss you," stated the friends and family of 29 year old Carla Rast of the Bed-Stuy neighborhood in Brooklyn.

"This is because we love you and we are concerned and you haven't been by the bar recently. Have you tried drinking? That's a more socially acceptable habit."

Ms. Rast admitted that she has been binge watching the Copa America, Euro 2016, NWSL, MLS, and US Open Cup from her couch for the past month but claimed that it wasn't an addiction as her family finally staged an intervention to keep her from slipping further down the rabbit hole of feckless debauchery.

"CAN'T YOU SEE THAT YOU ARE KILLING YOUR FATHER?!" stated Paula Rast, "You can't just lie here watching soccer for a month! You have a job, you have bills, you need to leave the couch and this apartment and start living again!"

"Your nephew just wants to see your face again," stated sister Denise to Ms. Rast as she mindlessly clicked on a replay of the recent Western New York Flash v Boston Breakers game on YouTube. 

"MY GOD, CARLA, can't you go five minutes without a FIX!" stated brother Brian as he stormed out of the room.

Reportedly, Ms Rast stated that she is going to give up the habit, just as soon as the Euro's are over and the US Open Cup next round is finished.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Rast relapses and ends up in rehab when the Olympic soccer tournament starts.

Disheveled David Beckham Emerges From Brexit Coma By Panhandling On Side Of Miami Thoroughfare

Miami, FL - A disheveled David Beckham has emerged from a Brexit coma after being spotted panhandling on the side of a Miami thoroughfare for the cash to build a stadium for his nascent MLS side.

"Money for a stadium... money for a stadium...."

Beckham attempted multiple different methods to get a stadium built in the Miami area for his MLS franchise, but the new devaluation of the British pound combined with the business instability there have cause even more problems with the fortunes of the non-existent MLS to Miami product.

"Please, anyone with a spare million who can help. Anyone with land who is willing to donate, I'm willing to bend kicks in from a corner or you can have your wife meet my wife. Anything that will help," stated Beckham as people walking by attempted to avoid eye contact.

"Someone, dear god... I'm trying to avoid Broward County, here. Please, no Pounds.... I need currency, I'll take Euro's, gold, Dollars, someone for the love of god give me a clear roadmap to a stadium so that I can start building something," stated Beckham as a man walking an English Bulldog offered him an Egg McMuffin and a half empty coffee to tide him over.

The Nutmeg News will have more on MLS to Miami as it happens.

"I Still See United States Mutant Ninja Turtles," States Boston Man

Boston, MA - Dan Bletchly, a sports fan and every-four-years soccer fan, admitted that he still reads the United States Men's National Team acronym of USMNT to read United States Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Honestly, people, the shit you can find on the internet. 

"Yeah, I still see United States Mutant Ninja Turtles," stated Bletchly to The Nutmeg News on Friday morning. "I can't help myself. I think the acronym is stupid, and all I can do is imagine Donatello having a chance on goal."

Reportedly, Mr. Bletchly has admitted to giggling every time he reads a newspaper report of the USMNT due to his predilection for seeing Mutant Ninja Turtles. He has also gone so far as to construct a lineup of the best usage of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in the midfield.

"It's gotta be Michelangelo at regista. Um... that's it right?" stated Mr Bletchly as he pulled out a copy of Inverting the Pyramid from his backpack. "Yeah, that's it. Anyway, I think that we all know Rafael is a sweeper or a center-half. Either way, it's still the only way I read USMNT and I can't make myself stop."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Bletchly's heroes in the half shell play on Sunday.

North American Journalist Rushes To Turn Out "What Brexit Means For MLS" Column

NEW YORK - Soccer journalist Dave Edinger admitted that he woke up early, today, and quickly put the finishing touches on a rush job piece regarding what the referendum of the United Kingdom to leave the European Union means for Major League Soccer.

HURRY! SOMEONE is going to beat us to the punch! DEADLINES, DAVE!

"This kind of decision is going to have a major impact on the way in which we talk about our own league," stated Edinger to himself as he fetched another cup of coffee. "At the very least it is a new take, and a new thing to talk about. With the All-Star Game coming up and the United States out of the Copa America we need something else that we can utilize to grab air time."

Reportedly, the column is very rushed and filled with theoretical ideas and half-baked assumptions on what exactly this thing means for the United States and Canada from the perspective of a domestic soccer league.

"Facts are only important if you are actually trying to win over nerds," stated Mr Edinger. "What we need these days is speed. Speed is of the essence. Being right is something we can craft later in the year, if it is really necessary at all. It's all about speed."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Edinger debates between, "Brexit to Brek Shea" or "Brexit by Beckham" for the column title.

Man In Supporters Group Can't Remember The Last Time He Talked About Soccer

NEW YORK - Dwayne Gregory, member of the Third Rail, admitted that he couldn't remember the last time he actually had a real in-depth conversation about soccer, as the all consuming drama of being in a supporters group swirled about his head at all times.

"WHAT ARE WE HERE FOR?" 

To argue amongst ourselves as to whether or not another supporters group is starting fights in the stadium!

"Between the fights, the USOC atmosphere, the chants, the people leaving for one group and then coming back, the neo-nazi idiots that pop up once every six months, the cops, the stadium edicts, the security lines, the arguments about T.I.F.O, the arguments about smoke, the arguments about flares, the arguments about language, the arguments about people arguing on reddit about stopping people from fighting, the people talking shit against other groups, the people who are jerks in other groups who give those groups bad names that enable other people to talk shit, the people who are against the other people being against a small minority of fans acting like dicks..... It is just absolutely exhausting."

Reportedly, Gregory realized all of his time was being consumed with petty supporters group business and interpersonal relationships in the stands rather than the play on the field, which was the real reason he signed up for season tickets in the first place.

"Admittedly, NYCFC haven't been great recently, and winning fixes everything. But, honestly... I just wish some of my fellow fan would shut the hell up for 30 minutes and watch the game. I mean. That IS why we are all here, right? Too watch a game of soccer? For the love of all that is holy, stop fighting, stop arguing, stop being jerks, stop singing, stop everything and just watch the game so I can talk to someone about whether Lampard is finally showing up and Villa's amazing work rate."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as an internet fight breaks out over Mr. Gregory's dedication to the game as fans accuse him of not supporting the supporters group.

With Many Variables At Play, Sounders Fan Decides To Blame Sigi Schmid

Seattle, WA - With many variables at play regarding how the season has gone for the Seattle Sounders, fan Oscar Davids admitted that after not much thought at all he has decided to blame head coach Sigi Schmid for all the faults of the team this season.

Photo: Associated Press

"It's only natural," stated Davids to The Nutmeg News on Wednesday. "It's Sigi's fault and I will brook no other conversation regarding the matter."

Reportedly, after deciding this as the cause of all problems with the Sounders in 2016, Davids took to the Internet to loudly proclaim that the issue is Schmid.

"This is the kind of tough talk that we aren't used to in Seattle," began Davids on his multi-part tweet designed to castigate the head coach for 2016. "But I'm going to say what you must know, what you don't know, and what you should know."

Fans of the Seattle Sounders were reportedly agog at this new information that many hadn't even begun to consider.

"Schmid? SCHMID? I hadn't even thought about that. What a novel and new approach to understanding the difficulties of 2016," stated Paul Westerbrook of Enumclaw. 

"Wow, Sigi. Wow. I just. Wow. Wow. Wow. I mean, this is just all unknown information. Completely unknown. Unlike all the other reasons this one hasn't been beaten to death. This all makes SENSE! HOW HAVE I NEVER HEARD OF THIS THEORY BEFORE," stated Linda Evans of Tacoma.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Davids spreads his theory to the blogs.

Pundit's Week Long Metamorphosis Into Whinging Gasbag Finally Complete

Dallas, TX - Tom Sanderson, soccer talking head and frequent pundit on the United States Men's Team, finally completed his week long metamorphosis into a whinging gasbag after the United States lost to Argentina last night in the Copa America.

Like this, but aimed at a twitter keyboard.

Reportedly, Mr Sanderson's twitter feed turned into nothing but hot takes on the current loss to the best player in the world on one of the best teams in the world.

"KLINSMANN IS TO BLAME FOR PLAYER CHOICES" 

was followed up with

"THE TEAM CAN'T COPE WITH THE SETUP, THEIR LEVEL OF RESPECT SHOWS A DIRECT LACK OF RESPECT FOR THEIR HEAD COACH"

before his twitter feed devolved into nothing but poop emojis, conspiracy theories about the head coach and Sunil Gulati, and attempted tactical changes should be used that Sanderson recently attempted on FIFA 2015.

"WE MUST ALL STOP THE MENACE OF CREEPING MEDIOCRITY" stated Mr Sanderson as his ability to type anything but all-caps for his twitter feed slowly faded.

Reportedly, friends were concerned when Sanderson became obsessed with Klinsmann and the United States over the past few years, but it wasn't until he couldn't even have a normal conversation without inserting his dislike for the head coach that they knew he was having a problem.

"I just stopped talking to him about soccer, but now his anger seems to surface in any conversation. I just asked how he was doing, this morning," stated Sandra Dumont.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Sanderson's twitter feed takes a small break from hot takes between 11:30 and 11:35 as he forces down a scone from Starbucks before starting back in on Klinsmann enablers.

Alamo Remembered As United States Loses

Houston, TX - The United States Men's team announced that they Remembered the Alamo as they were ritualistically taken apart by Argentina in a fashion that called to mind the plucky band of Republic of Texas fighters that lost the battle against Santa Ana and Mexico in 1836.

Geoff Cameron stated that he would like The Nutmeg News to (in his words), "remind you sheeple about the Benghazi conspiracy."

"This was our best effort to recreate the eventual total capitulation of the defenders of the Alamo as we totally capitualted in this game after holding out for roughly three minutes," stated defender Geoff Cameron. "We felt that we gave it the old college try and accurately portrayed the difficult odds that were against the Texans, at that time, as we allowed Lionel Messi to slalom through our defence with the vibrancy of an exacto knife through melted butter."

Reportedly, many of the United States players stated that they thought long and hard about the odds that faced the brave men and racist slave holders that encompassed the Alamo defense as Chris Wondolowski stated, "Wouldn't it be great if we could hold out for some time before sickness, a lack of formidable defense, and an inability to overcome overwhelming odds takes its toll on our ranks and we capitulate completely?"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Lionel Messi finds a way to score another goal after the game is over.

US Invasion Force Nears Argentina Coast Line

San Clemente del Tuyú, AR - Spotters for the coastline activity assocation of San Clemente del Tuyu reported that the US Invasion force destined for Argentina neared ever closer to the shores of Argentina as the United States slumped to defeat on Tuesday evening in the Copa America.

Number 20 at Soccer, Number one at C-130s.

TNN war correspondent Harry Goodfellow reported from the Pentagon that tensions between the countries reached a boiling point after Sunil Gulati called Joseph Dunford, chairman of the Joint Chiefs Of Staff, to state that Argentina was toying with the United States international respectability and needed to be tought a lesson about freedom.

"These commie punks don't even know what they don't have," stated Dunford to The Nutmeg News on Tuesday. "We will storm their beaches and teach Argentina what freedom is like by invading their country and establishing as many military bases as we can to allow our soldiers full use of the country. In about 14 to 18 years we expect a brand new crop of American soldiers ready to join our national teams fight for soccer surpremacy."

While the expedition forces expect some opposition they are reportedly counting on being able to overwhelm the Argentinian forces.

"We use our HANDS here in God's country," stated Dunford. "This isn't going to just be a fight for kicking."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as "Operation Germany Part 2" kicks off.

Carefully Curated Soccer Twitter Feed Now Just Hated Personas And Cat Pictures

Indianapolis, IN - Indy 11 fan Hannah Stone admitted that her carefully curated twitter feed of soccer personas and interesting international news has now turned into a collection of hated soccer personas and cat pictures.

The example of a soccer dickhead.

"It's sad but true," stated Ms. Stone to The Nutmeg News. "My original purpose on twitter was to talk soccer with friends and find more information about teams that I like. Now it seems that twitter has just turned into a place where I keep tabs on all the dickheads that surround my team, sport and country."

Despite her pure intentions and having met a number of soccer supporters through the medium, the overall arc of twitter has been a negative one for Ms. Stone as she admitted, "I constantly think about just deactivating my account, deleting my facebook and doing something meaningful with my life other than signing up for social media where I'm informed on a daily basis about the awful realities of our world and sport."

Reportedly, this is why Ms. Stone signed up for the Kitten-A-Day twitter account as she stated, "I needed something to break through the constant bullshit and outrage that perpetually hits my account." Sadly for Ms. Stone, the Kitten-A-Day twitter account has experienced a delay in content as it continues to work on its sister site, "Gun Violence Victim-A-Day."

The Nutmeg News will have more on Ms. Stone as she gets into a delightful arugment about gun control and immigrant status in international football before being told to, "get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich" by a 13 year old boy from San Luis Obispo.

132nd Supporters Group Forms For FC Cincinnati

Cincinnati, OH - The 132nd supporters group for FC Cincinnati formed, on Tuesday, as members of the Royal Queen Armada Firm Ultras announced their participation in the 2016 via Facebook white smoke release.

"We are here, we are proud, we are pat of the Cin natn," stated the mispelled press release indicative of a group that formed after 20 minutes of drunk conversation in the stands.

With typical tweets cobbled together with photos taken by the official FC Cincinnati twitter account, the group also announced its arrival on Twitter as well.

"We are a group of likeminded fans who want to cheer the right way," stated the press release that was worded vaguely enough to allow the group of fans to continue lobbing profanity while simultaneously telling everyone around them to, "keep it classy."

Reportedly, the new supporters group had a schism with the Queen Ultras Firm City Royales over the usage of a goal kick, that has connotations to do with Pete Rose, on the 3rd kick of the night from the away keeper when he has his back to the Bailey.

"We are here to fight, cheer and drink together to create a great environment in section 134 along with the Queen Royal City Ultras, the Queen Ultras Royal, The Ultras Royale With Cheese, the Cheese Queen City Ultras, The Baily Queen City Ultras Royale, and the Queen City Modality."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the group attendance numbers peak at five.

Feilhaber And Melano Called Up For Olympic Teams

Benny Feilhaber (USA) and Lucas Melano (ARG) have reportedly been called up by their respective national swimming and iving teams for the 2016 Olympics after their display of theatrical diving, over the weekend.

Penalty Kicks.

"We had a good long look at Benny's magnificent dive against Dallas and thought that his ability would work well in the pools in Rio," stated William Walker, chair of the USA Diving Foundation. "We thought that his technique was excellent, and that he really managed to earn himself a place diving for our team."

As well, Lucas Melano was reportedly called in for the struggling Argentina diving team as originally Argentina were not scheduled to have any representatives in the pool during the 2016 games.

"It is in this way that Melano will represent our country on the spring board," stated Javier Moquina, director of Argentina Diving for 2022. "His front flip on the field shows that he has the technique to master the qualifying dives and his form was nearly perfect to convince the judges."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as both players debate the pros and cons of skipping the heat of the summer to go do what they would naturally do on the field anyway.

Man's Blubbering Face Is Fodder Of Dreams For Sadistic Camera Man

Lens, FRA - Sadistic camera man David Samuels admitted, in hindsight, that the sad, blubbering face of Welsh fans during the recent England v Wales Euro 2016 game was the fodder of dreams for his business as he joyfully searched out the crowd for over emotional fools.

I'LL LICK YOUR TEARS FROM THE MOIST PARTS OF MY PAYCHECK!

"CRY PIGGY, CRY," muttered Samuels into his viewfinder as he panned across the sweep of enthusiatic fans just trying to watch their team win a game against their rivals. 

"I enjoy watching them weep, the fools," stated Samuels to The Nutmeg News. "It's the best thing about being a camera man working a match. I just love finding people who are being very emotional. Especially those having a private moment in a public space. Then it's just the simple matter of taking that private moment and broadcasting that image to millions of people around the world so that the world can beligerantly mock them and turn that weeping fan into a meme."

Reportedly, Samuels remembers a time when he actually cared about fans but slowly the deadly thrum of his job has eroded the morality that used to exist in his soul so that he now enjoys the decimation of the indisposed.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Samuels follows the emotional fans home in order to further document their misery.

MLS Cosplay Hooligan Longs For Time When He Can Cause Team To Implode Like Croatian Fans

San Jose, CA - Earthquakes fan and cosplay hooligan, Stephen Brandice Jr, admitted that he watched the Croatia - Czech Republic game in Euro 2016 with absolute longing as he prayed for the day when he could cause his own team to implode and throw a flare on the field.

Real lads wear New Jersey Nets kits in the stands.

"God, if we were just serious enough this could be US," stated Mr Brandice to a collection of anonymous people on the Ultras-Tifo forum where he posts his political rants and greivances against corporate culture in the stands. "Instead we just sit around as tools of a conglomeration while true hooligan culture simmers below the surface."

Reportedly, Mr Brandice has often thought about bringing flares to an Earthquakes game but realizes that he just doesn't want to lose his stadium privileges. However, this miniscule amount of rational thought doesn't prevent him from ordering balaclavas and dreaming of a time where a shirtless Brandice will run onto the field with a smoke bomb and a flare to confront Chris Wondolowski after he misses a sure fire goal.

"It's our game, we must take it back! It's the game of the working class!" stated Mr Brandice before he got ready at his shift at 365 Data Centers as a server administrator. "If we don't bring hooligan and ultra culture to the United States, other international countries will not respect us."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Stephen posts a 200 word screed about snitches in Ultras groups while downloading his new linux distro and shopping on Amazon.

Atlanta United Fan Frustated With Lack Of Wins

Atlanta, GA - Atlanta United fan Jeremy Smith admitted that the lack of winning this season for Atlanta United has started to grind against his patience.

At least we are winning OFF the field.

"This is bullshit!" stated Smith to our reporters on Friday. "It's what... JUNE? and we still don't have a win yet? I didn't pay all this money for season tickets to have to wait til seemingly 2017 for a win. I know that is hyperbole, but I'm just frustrated with the performances this season."

While Atlanta United have had some early victories this season off the field (and just signed homegrown player Andrew Carleton) Mr Smith admits that the lack of home wins this season makes him impatient.

"Look, the season is a grind and I understand that we have to be patient, but honestly I'd love to see a result on the field. Hell, I'd just love to see some tough two way play and players who want to be on the field. At this rate, I'd just like to see a field."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Smith creates a kickstarter to fly a banner over Atlanta that states, "BLANK OUT! NO MORE YEARS WITHOUT A WIN! ATLANTA DIVIDED!"

Jort Cannon Leads To Competing Promotions

Acknowledging the success of the Detroit City FC Jort Cannon, competing NPSL sides in the area have started offering other ideas for a promotional giveaway

Photo from Detroit City FC twitter and Jon Deboer Photography - http://jondeboer.com/

The Nutmeg News spoke to Lansing United ownership who showed TNN Reporters their prototype for their new "Elephant Ear" cannon they plan on using to distribute fried goods to the stands.

"We hope that this will enter our team into a new epoch of fried good delivery service directly to your face from the field," stated Lansing United owner Jeremy Sampson. "All you need to do is raise your hand and you will have a freshly fired and fresh fried piping hot elephant ear in your mouth via compressed air. We feel that everyone loves the Elephant Ear and it reflects the storied history of Lansing."

As well, Grand Rapids FC announced their new delivery service for Yesterdogs as they greased up the tube of their new Yesterdog delivery system and relish canon.

"We plan on making certain that anyone who wants a Yesterdog at a Grand Rapids game will be able to get one regardless of their location in the crowd. We will also have our Relish canon which is retrofitted to produce relish in an orgiastic spray that douses the entire stands with satistfying goodness. It can also be used for ketchup. It's going to be like Family Double Dare in the stands."

Grand Rapids FC stadium staff preparing for the upcoming debut of the Relish Canon.

AFC Ann Arbor also announced a jello shot cannon and student loan mortar in an effort to attract more of the University of Michigan fans that mill around outside the stadium.

"We felt that we could attract Michigan students to create a more energetic atmosphere while also providing a community service to those in need by firing vouchers for student loans out of a specialty constructed mortar," stated Cora Essenmacher, director of Soccer Operations. "The jello shot canon starts first, to bring in the fraternities and then the student loan mortar fires at the half after they have a bit of a buzz. This way they aren't entire certain what happens, but at least they will be able to pay for their $1500 poly-sci book."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Relish canon misfires creating an unsightly slip n slide on the field.

Inebriatti Still Theoretically Banned For Some Game Somewhere Some Time In The Future

TORONTO - Representatives from Inebriatti, a supporters group for Toronto FC, announced that they received an email from Major League Soccer stating that they are still theoretically banned for some game somewhere some time in the future for an infraction yet to be determined.

"There's got to be something we can use to ban them that is going on in this photo here."

"We received an email stating the loose outline of the theoretical ban for an infraction that the league and/or front office of one of the league teams (which may or may not be our own team) or sponsors haven't fully figured out, yet," stated Inebriatti spokesman Thomas Sorenson.

"They seem pretty intent upon keeping this as confusing and vague as possible so we can only guess that they are scrolling through our Twitter feed to see what they can use to ban us in the future for games that already occured in the past."

The Nutmeg News spoke to the Montreal Impact but they referred our reporters to Major League Soccer as all teams are a subsidiary of the league.

"We believe in our fans, and we believe that we have reached a point in our league timeline where we as a league or the teams under our single-entity ownership can start abitrarily banning fans for games that aren't even in our league without actually giving reasons. We are big enough and dammit, we can do it! We can ban the fan," stated Mark Abbot, president of Major League Soccer.

Reportedly, the Inebriatti have also received notification that they had also been banned from An Sibín Pub by the Impact and MLS two years ago on a Tuesday in May.

"We certainly explored why The Inebriatti were banned from travelling to Montreal before they were notified about it," stated Abbot to TNN Reporters, "It appears that the reason why isn't important, nor the time frame in which they were notified, nor is it important that some bans they have on travelling occured during games which we, as a league, don't control. What's important here is that we and the teams operating under our control ban fans without any level of appeal and stop them from congregating and wearing t-shirts and whatever else they like to do."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Major League Soccer notifies the Inebriatti tomorrow that they were banned from attending the US Men's National Team game against Ecuador today.