Investigation Shows That One Nation Has More Than One Team

An in depth investigation into the United States shows that, in fact, the United States has more than one team that the residents within that nation cheer on during international tournaments.

One Nation - One Team

Our reporters found shocking details by utilizing the specialized and secret web browser GOOGLE that during the year not only do some residents within the United States cheer for the United States Men's soccer team, but they also cheer for the United States Women's soccer team. This already shows that there is One Nation, Two Teams. Not only this, but some people even have a rooting interest in the United States Men's and Women's Deaf Soccer teams. Those shocking details would indicate One Nation Four Teams. There is also the United States Power Soccer Association as well as the United States Paralympic soccer 5 a side and 7 a side teams which represent the United States internationally.

With that count, our reporters were able to verify that indeed there is One Nation and at least Seven other Teams, but likely there are more than this as well.

Research into the history of the United States by Nutmeg News reporters turned up absolutely shocking and unreported details which showed that over the course of the history of the country there have been several waves of immigration. Details show that there was even a mass immigration of English and Spanish individuals.

Many of the individuals that immigrated to North America retained a fondness for their original national team sides. As well, with the internet age and ability to watch games anywhere at any time, many new and old immigrants to the United States are able to keep touch with their roots by pulling for their old and their new national teams.

In fact, Nutmeg News reporters showed a true coagulation of disparate nations that are pulled for at any one time during the year belying the One Nation One Team mantra. TNN Reporters spoke with immigrants from Brazil, Chile, Mexico, Canada, Sweden, England, Australia, Iraq, Afghanistan, Croatia, Scotland, Ireland, Japan, Finland, Iceland, Italy, Sicily, Greece, Russia, Mongolia, Germany, France, Korea, and China. Shockingly, there may even be MORE nationalities currently living in the United States that may be pulling for their national team side or multiple national team sides.

The Nutmeg News will continue our investigation into the details of One Nation One Team as we investigate whether the One Nation, One Team ethos extends to lacrosse.

MLS Rumor Account Celebrates 6 Years Without A Successful Pick

A twitter account focused on MLS acquisition rumors celebrated it's sixth year without a successful tweet as the forecast of Ibrahimovic to LA Galaxy died in the waning hours of this week.

SOME OF THESE GUYS, BUT THEY ARENT ALL GOING TO PLAY WELL, AND SOME WOULD JUST RATHER RETIRE.

"We created this with the intention of always being wrong," stated MLS Rumor Twitter handler Jimmy Godot. "It was always our idea to just be relentlessly, recklessly, empahtically wrong about every transfer rumor that we put out there and we made it SIX years without ever being right."

While thousands of people follow their MLS Rumors twitter account, many have switched over from thinking they would get a glimmer of information to just following the account for the hilarity of what they suggest.

"Man, I remember thinking it was possible that Philadelphia were going to obtain Grafite. Those were the days," stated Union fan David Thornberry. 

"Wow, I remember thinking it was possible that Vancouver were going to obtain Grafite. You guys remember that?" stated Whitecaps fan Steven Boord.

"Do you guys remember those Grafite rumors?" stated Sporting Kansas City fan Edgar Davis.

"Oh god, yeah, I followed them when they said Grafite was coming to the Sounders," stated Seattle Sounders fan Hannah Westing.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Grafite is rumored to play for LAFC in 2019.

Rec League Roundup: Manager Won't Stop Löw-ing On The Sideline

Dear Rec League Roundup,

Ever since my manager watched Joachim Löw scratch and sniff his gentleman's area during Euro 2016, he has repeatedly started doing so on the sidelines.

We will be rushing up the field on a counter attack and I'll look over as he frenetically scratches at his peaches and then inhales with the vigor of a Victorian man of stature consuming laudanum for the first time. 

We will be tracking back on defense and he will be juggling his berry salad like Marcel Marceau. At some point we all need to band together to stop him from making such a public spectacle.

Except.

There's one problem. 

We started winning since he has started doing this. Two games in a row.

What do we do?

Thanks,

Harry Hardwood In Des Moines.

The Smell Of Victory.

DEAR HARRY HARDWOOD IN DES MOINES,

When winning, there is only one suggestion from Rec League Roundup.

That is, double down on the matter. Everyone on your team should adjust their tackle including the women. You will, with deep intent and grave serious nature, reach down for your undercarriage, your man satchel and give it a scratch and sniff test until your team starts to lose. 

At the time when you start losing (and not before), you should then confront your manager and all parties should stop.

Until that time, everyone...... time to get sniffing..... because down there? It smells like victory.

Rec League Roundup

Winner Of Chicago Fire - Indy 11 Game To Take Home Bronzed Peter Wilt

CHICAGO - Chicago Fire and Indy 11 fans announced that the supporters groups of both teams have pitched together to create a memorable trophy for the winners of the Peter Wilt US Open Cup derby. That is, that the winner of the game will take home a freshly coiffed and bronzed Peter Wilt for one year.

So fresh and so clean!

Reportedly, Fire and Indy 11 fans are eager to have the stakes ratched up in the Wilt Derby as they both have a chance to take home the beloved and fan friendly exective.

"We ensured that Peter worked on a nice base to give a good color to his face," stated Hollywood Tan team coordinator Holly Brasso. "Then we worked with some spray tanner to ensure that we wouldn't run the risk of any long term UV exposure. In this way, Peter is going to have a nice, ruddy, summer glow to allow him to be the prize that both Section 8 and the Brickyard Battallion crave."

The Nutmeg News spoke with Andrew Hauptman's receptionist who informed us that Andrew was not available to talk about, "the Spark or whatever that thing is that we keep calling about."

However the Fire executives respond, fans are reportedly agog over the chance to have Peter Wilt interface with them again in a positive manner.

"I can't wait!" stated Fire fan Jeremy Touchaine "I'm going to take my bronzed Wilt home and show it off to my wife!"

As well, Indy 11 fans are highly protective of Peter Wilt as fan Dennis Delome stated to The Nutmeg News, "You can't have the man who was there at the beginning, who helped kick this off! This is our Wilt, our golden god! I'm planning on putting him up on the mantle for the time I have him. I'm just going to let him sit there giving me advice about starting an NASL squad."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans wait with baited breath for their chance to touch the bronzed Wilt.

D.C. United Stadium Renderings Change Again

WASHINGTON - D.C. United, today, released an updated rendering of the new Buzzard Point stadium plan.

Look, the field is at least going to have a bleacher on ONE side.

Reportedly, shifting finances in the D.C. United ownership have mandated that the club revise its original extravagent stadium renderings to something that it can afford. The new field will have mostly grass, some sand, some turf, a slight downhill slope, and stadium bleachers on one side of the field, with player lean-to's on the other side of the field to allow respite from the sun.

"This is going to be the first fully non-contained professional soccer experience in North America," stated D.C. United president Tom Hunt. "This new field will allow our supporters intimate access to the field in a way that makes them seem part of the game. Our lack of seats and stands will be a new marketing feature showing that no one is above the game or the players. This kind of synergy will show that we are the brand of the people."

Reportedly, D.C. United co-owner Jason Levien considered adding more features to the new stadium, but decided to buy Swansea City instead as it offered a, "more vertical integration of profits to my wallet."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as D.C. United tries to figure out if they can afford corner flags or not at the new locaion.

Bassett Hound Struggles With Duality Of Being A Soccer Ultra And His Job As a Flare Sniffing Dog

Long Island, NY - Max, a pyro sniffing dog that lives with his trainer David Browning in Red Hook, has admitted that he has been struggling with the duality being an advocate for pyrotechnics in soccer and avowed soccer ultra as well as being a flare sniffing dog at the upcoming Cosmos and NYCFC US Open Cup game.

NO PYRO, NO PARTY

"I'm against modern football," stated Max as he dutifully pushed around a snausage on the floor with his nose. "However, I also need to make a living. This job has been good to me for the most part. I mean, it pays me on time, I get belly rubs and I'm mostly recovered now after that time I got hooked on prescription antihistimine and pure, uncut Peruvian cocaine at JFK. Now THAT was a crazy few months."

Max has been a fan of the game of soccer and supporters groups after befriending a Hungarian Vizsla named Otto during his first year of behavioural school. Otto introduced him to Ultras around the world.

"I am fully sympathetic with the movement of fan power in the stands and pyrotechnics, but I have a skill and a use and if I don't find flares on people.... well... it sends me into such a depression that I start freebasing bowls of peanut butter and I'm determined not to let my own convictions lead me down that road again. 12 months sober," stated Max as he tapped an amulet around his neck.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Max decides to let some of the people with flares go and catch some of them based upon what they also have in their pockets in the way of food.

Atlanta Silverbacks To Employ 1 To 1 Security Presence For Fan Comfort

Atlanta, GA - The Atlanta Silverbacks ownership have announced that they will be employing a 1 to 1 security presence for fan comfort in the supporters group section at their upcoming games in light of the criticism they received about sending security into the stands to search for contraband alcohol.

"I'm just going to reach into your personal belongings here, and... oh... would you look at that... I found some Funyuns as well... I'm going to take those too."  photo: @ASFCTrust

"We decided that our few fans that show up in the supporters sections should be inconvenienced for their opinions on our policy and bringing in contraband beer," stated FD Dolleh, general manager of the Silverbacks. "We implemented a new policy that allows all of our supporters that attend Silverbacks games with their own personal security chapparone in order to cut down on shenanigans, beer drinking, ballyhoo and inappropriate behaviour in the stands."

Reportedly, this whole situation started when a Silverbacks fan snuck in a Redd's Apple Beer to the recent game and wouldn't share that beer with Mr Dolleh who stated, "It was then that I realized that they were undercutting the tiny margins that exist with running an NPSL side in the first place. And I'm not sure but I think we sell this stuff at the stadium," he paused at this point in the interview, pulled out his cell phone and called the front office to ask whether they sold beer at the stadium.

Our reporter spoke with Dick Everly, a Silverbacks fan, about this situation and he had the following to say, "They should just be happy they have any fans attending their games. It isn't like it's been easy to follow the team over the past few years."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as both sides come to an understanding that if you bring contraband beer to the game, the least you could do is share one with the general manager.

USOC Kicks Off Again As Fans Attempt To Remember Which Team Their Team Is Playing

With the United States Open Cup kicking off again on Tuesday night, fans of teams in the competition attempted to remember which team their team is playing

The 1999 Rochester Rhinos (Photo: TheCup.us)

As Major League Soccer teams begin entering the competition on this date, many fans are just now pulling themselves out of an international stupor to find that their club is now playing some club from the lower division just salivating at the chance to knock them out of the competition.

"Honestly, I'm not even certain if my club actually remembers they are playing tonight... wait..... is it tonight or tomorrow....," stated Revolution fan Isaac Presley. "I had to check around to see that we were playing the Railhawks, otherwise I wouldn't even know."

"We are playing the Wilmington Hammerheads?" stated Carla Estepor from Sandy, UT. "Are they any good this year? Do I know any of their players? What time is the game?"

Administrators state that hits to the 2016 bracket on TheCup.US spiked in the attempt of fans trying to learn which team their team is playing at what time and on which day.

"I'm hoping to ease myself back into actually caring about soccer like a kid gently dipping their toe into a pool," stated Seattle Sounders fan Joe Williams who is attending the Kitsap Pumas versus Sounders game. "At least this way I'll be ready for the next league game. I don't think my muscles have atrophied too much from not really doing anything for the past two weeks."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as some lower division team upsets an upper division team in front of a few thousand people.

High Copa America Ticket Prices Officially The Fault Of San Francisco Man

San Francisco, CA - When Hector Gomez started getting his friends into soccer he never realized that he single handedly would be to blame for allowing the US Soccer Federation to set absolutely absurd prices for the Copa America.

Hey look, a soccer fan.

"Frankly, It's absolutely sickening to think that all the hard work I did of getting my friends and neighbors into soccer has been repayed by $225 upper deck pricing for the United States game," stated Mr Gomez to The Nutmeg News on Monday.

Reportedly, Mr Gomez spent 30 years turning his friends and family onto soccer by carefully educating them and showing them games, tournaments and leagues. He attended as many games as he could that came to his state including his beloved Mexico and United States. He even cheered for the San Jose Earthquakes alongside his beloved Cruz Azul in Liga MX and had plans to attend the United States game in Seattle.

"To see all the hard work that we, as fans, have done building this sport squandered by a greed soaked US Soccer Federation and Copa America is something I didn't think I would live to see. The fact that tickets have become so expensive in such a short amount of time just shows that Americans running soccer only know how to over commercialize something and then price it to death."

Reportedly, Mr Gomez has been turned off more and more by this customer fleecing at the international level, but his joy for the game itself, remains.

"I still love futbol and I will always love futbol. I just don't have to love the people that run futbol. And I'm not about to start arguing in favor of what makes the most money for them at the detriment of fans around the rest of the continent."

American Outlaws Start Gym And Fight Club For Russia 2018 Prep

Lincoln, NE - The American Outlaws have reportedly started a gym and fight club in preperation for the upcoming 2018 World Cup in Russia.

USA! USA! USA!

"It's our goal to show the Russians that we can fight with the best of them," stated 18 year old server administrator John Mikowski from Staten Island who spoke with an American Flag bandanna covering his face. "I've got two years to put on 100 pounds and learn how to fight on the street. It seems like a completely reasonable proposal."

Reportedly, the Outlaws are working not only on their physical fitness and fighting acumen, but as well their ability to take threatening photos as they have a photography school graduate from the Madison Media Institute heading up their new "How to look tough" classes which will help them compete with the Russian Hooligan firms recently pictured with their bloodied trophies from Euro 2016.

The Nutmeg News spoke with American Outlaws media handler Davis Navan about this new program and he had the following to say.

"We understand the expectation that we are the best because we come from the best country and we have outlaw in our name. We plan on defending our constitution and the declaration of Independence, which the commie Russians have yet to acknowledge."

According to Mr Navan, the Outlaws have developed their own technique of martial arts that has levels renamed from descriptors like Crane Style to patriotic standards appropriate to the Outlaws mystique.

"We developed a new martial arts methodology that we call REGIME CHANGE. Our levels are as follows

Level 1: Rocky 1: First Blood

Level 2: WOLVERINES!

Level 3: The Bay Of Pigs

Level 4: The Alamo

Level 5: Viet-Fucking-Nam

That's RIGHT! REGIME CHANGE!!! STRIKE FIRST! STRIKE HARD! NO MERCY, SIR!! The Outlaws will win the fight like General Lee won Antietam with Generals Bo and Luke Duke."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as The American Outlaws prepare to bring their World Cup Allocation of drunken fans in flag capes with Back-To-Back World War Champ t-shirts to the streets of Moscow in 2018.

Fan There To Support Regardless Of The Style Or Results Really Tired Of The Results And Style

Jacksonville, FL - Despite stating multiple times that he will continue going to Jacksonville Armada games regardless of the style of play or results, Armada fan Brandon Farver has publicly stated, "I'm getting really, really, really tired of these losses and this style of play."

I can't NOT go to the games... Look... they are hanging sold signs on the seats! WHO KNOWS WHAT THAT MEANS.

Reportedly, the conflict with his previously stated ethos came when the Armada lost their 5th game of the 10 game spring season to the Ottawa Fury by a score of 1-0. 

Mr. Farver was found in front of his television shaking his head and repeatedly stating, "Someone... ANYONE... This is getting really exhausting. It almost makes someone not want to even go out to the freaking stadium to watch this crap. WILL SOMEONE ON THIS FREAKING TEAM SCORE A FREAKING GOAL."

The disconnect to his previously unshakable, "I positively support the team no matter what happens" ethos came as no surprise to Mr. Farver's friend Joyce Kenniworth of Fruit Cove. 

"I told him that he needed to be flexible. That sometimes teams play well and sometimes they play poorly and that when they play poorly... he might not want to actually go watch them play. He was bound and determined to be all blustery about showing up to every game and cheering on the Armada, though."

Reportedly, Mr. Farver made a deal with himself after the 1-1 draw against Tampa Bay that he wouldn't let the Armada hurt him again, but that he would go to games with a renewed cynicism that allows him to simultaneously support his club while expecting their failure at every level.

The Nutmeg News will have more on Mr. Farver at the end of the Fall season.

Missed Handball Direct Sign Of Lack Of Promotion And Relegation In United States

Experts around the country, today, agreed that the missed handball call in the recent Peru versus Brazil game was a direct sign of the lack of promotion and relegation in the United States.

Photo: AP

"This is a travesty," stated Sloan Kimberly, director of the Promotion and Relegation Is The Cause or Result or Sympton of Everything Foundation. "If Promotion and Relegation was in place, the handball would have been called, Brazil would advance, the stadiums in the United States would have been full, Canada would have made the Copa America and we would see a better standard of refereeing. Of this there is no doubt."

The Nutmeg News spoke to Harry Hannover, a Brookins Institute fellow, about this issue and he had the following to say.

"It is absolutely without a shadow of a doubt the symptom of a lack of promotion and relegation that we continue to have these problems. The anthem difficulties, the advertising kerfuffle with Adidas, these are all symptoms from the same rotten fruit. That is, a lack of promotion and relegation. If this is put in place, the tournament would nestle warm in the bosom of the United States and suckle upon the teat of royalty and all of man and woman alike would frolic in the endearing embrace of the Copa America."

While many self-fashioned experts conclude on this, others are doubtful as a random man at the Goddard Space Flight Center stated, "You are all clinically insane and I have to ask you to leave."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the ills of society fall squarely upon the shoulders of a lack of promotion and relegation.

Not Content With Just MLS, Pro Referees Decide To Ruin International Tournament

Foxboro, MA - Not content with ruining Major League Soccer games and the CONCACAF Champions League, Pro Referees, today, attempted to ruin an international tournament, for fun.

I'm here.... TO SCREW THINGS UP!

"Fuck it," stated Jair Marrufo as he handed Chile the win late in the game. "I stopped caring years ago."

Reportedly, Pro Referees decided that they would officiate the Copa America to the same horrible standards that they referee Major League Soccer games in order to show that while they are utterly awful at refereeing, that at least they are consistent.

"Look, if we were better at our job we wouldn't be in the United States," stated Marrufo as he live tweeted the end of the game. "Don't care about the result #yolo #NotEvenWatchingAnymore."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Marrufo gives no statement to the press and forgets the game even happened.

Man Absolutely Certain That Player He Didn't Know About Til 5 Minutes Ago Is Future USMNT Star

LOS ANGELES - After seeing news that USMNT U-23 winger Jerome Kiesewetter has joined Fortuna Dusseldorf, US Soccer fan Mark Thomas boldly declared Kiesewetter the future of the US Men's National Team.

Picture From Here: http://www.empireofsoccer.com/usmnt-winger-jerome-kiesewetter-joins-fortuna-dusseldorf-49376/

"He is absolutely the future!" stated Mr Thomas to The Nutmeg News. "I've never seen him play and don't know anything about him at all but I predict that he is the next Darlington Nagbe or Christian Pulisic."

Reportedly, Mr Thomas is already planning a campaign of hyping up the youngsters talents and has started shopping for his kit to add to his collection of future international stars which includes his Bolton kit for Stuart Holden, his Freddy Adu Benfica kit, and his Landon Donovan Bayer Leverkusen throwback.

"I can't wait to see him holding the World Cup up in 2018. This is going to be great," proclaimed Thomas on Facebook.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Thomas forgets he made this purchase and wonders who the hell ordered a Kiesewetter Dusseldorf kit.

Proper Hooligan Plans MLS Firm Punch Up After He Finishes Updating Nginx Server To 1.10.1

Denver, CO - Proper hooligan, Dale Jeffers, has stated that he plans on planning a scheduled fight between Major League Soccer firms just as soon as he finishes updating his Nginx server to the current release of 1.10.1.

"This is for my club and my city!"

"We are going to have a right proper punch up!" stated Jeffers to The Nutmeg News on Friday. "Just as soon as I document all these "CreateFile() failed" errors that were generated when I started creating temporary files on Windows. Fortunately, according to the Nginx change log, when I update all the way to 1.10.1 that will fix all these bugs and then we are GOING TO HAVE A RIGHT SCRUM IN THE STREETS IN OUR BEST SHELL SUITS AND TRAINERS!"

Jeffers and fellow administrators that coordinate Sharepoint and Salesforce implementations belong to a Rapids firm by the name of "The Hard Boyz Of IT" which have it out for any firms coming into the Rapids territory that think they can take over their city and appropriately configure a scaled server in a cloud environment without client downtime.

"Motherfuckers be TRIPPING if they think they can come into the Rapids territory with their gnu distros," stated Salesforce admin specialist Yancey Harbottle. "I'll straight tell them to shut down their servers and then we will have a broken bottle fight up and DOWN Commerce City about the differences of our soccer teams."

According to sources within the underground MLS fight scene, the Hard Boyz Of IT have challenged the Pepe Meme Ultras of San Jose to a server load times rumble and bats only match in the parking lot next to the rec soccer fields next to Dick Sporting Goods Park.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the meet up is cancelled due to a lack of grounded power outlets in the area.

Soccer Fan Uncomfortable With How Much They Miss Their Team Playing

Salt Lake City, UT - "I never thought I would miss seeing my team this much," stated Real Salt Lake fan Stephanie Halmon. "Just the fact that I'll get to go to a game soon is the most exciting thing that's happened in the last two weeks."

"When do I get to go home? I don't care about Klinsmann, Dempsey or Panama. I just need RSL." - Stephanie Halmon

Reportedly, Ms. Halmon used to care about all the international tournaments and her world would stop when the USA would play. However, recently she noticed a distinct amount of apathy around the international game that started happening when she became more invested in Real Salt Lake.

"I don't particularly like the league, I don't watch the other teams in it very much, and I never watch the eastern conference, but I miss my club something fierce," stated Ms. Halmon to The Nutmeg News on Friday.

"I miss seeing my friends. I miss the way the stadium feels when RSL scores a goal. I miss hearing the drums and seeing the field and smelling the concessions. Suddenly, I'm distinctly missing finding out that Didier Drogba won't play on turf, or that Major League Soccer came up with some new rule for LA to sign Pele to a development contract. I just don't find myself caring the same way about the US team or the Copa America or any of the silly stuff that goes along with international tournaments. I just want Beckerman back, and Yura putting goals back in the net."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Halmon admits that she is looking forward to the United States being knocked out so that Beckerman will get home safe.

5 Click Bait Photos With A Click Bait Title That Indicates Something About Soccer!

5 Click Bait Photos as we write a click bait title that indicates something about soccer reflective of some hot button topic currently raging on twitter.

All photos will be on their own individual page requiring you to click from one to the next so that you never make it to #5 because by the time you make it to #3 the site has basically stopped working due to all the ads.

#1 Some terrible summation about Cascadia

We start with Cascadia because this way we will get more views. The Timbers fans will claim we ignored them, and the Sounders fans will use this as a way to feel superior to their counterparts and we will ignore the Whitecaps because most publications simply don't have time to write about Canada. The copyright for the photo is in the lower right but since we got this on wikipedia we will just skip that whole deal because no one is getting paid from this piece that contributed to it, just like the SB Nation blogs that intentionally utilize unpaid amateurs for content without giving anything to them but some slight publicity and a way to spew out the things that bother them.

-- ADVERTISEMENT FEATURING SKIMPY MODELS SELLING SOMETHING --

#2 NWSL

 (ANDREW YATES/AFP/GETTY IMAGES)

We now post a picture and some blurb about the growth of the NWSL, but featuring Alex Morgan in a USWNT kit because that allows our website to feel like it is catering to equality while appealing for all the followers of Morgan's cult of celebrity and the weird people who over sexualize her to click on the link. It's important for this picture and description to follow the aforementioned skimpy model advertisement as a perfect show of the hypocrisy of our website. We will defray this controversy by claiming, "WE DON'T HAVE CONTROL OVER THE CONTENT OF OUR ADVERTISEMENTS," even though we obviously do.

-- ADVERTISEMENT FOR PYRAMID SCHEME -

#3 AO!

You love them, you hate them! We make a comment about them! We generalize! Flag Cape Bros spouting racial slurs! Either Way! CLICK CLICK CLICK!

-- ADVERTISEMENT FOR OUR OWN CLOTHING LINE --

-- DOUBLE ADVERTISEMENT FOR CLOTHING LINE ON SEPARATE PAGE REQUIRING YOU TO CLICK TWICE PAST IT --

#4 NASL

Here is where we talk about the NASL for five seconds even though we never really consistently cover them outside of this click bait article. We also incorrectly use a graphic featuring teams that are no longer in existence. This, in and of itself, generates traffic from outraged fans that tell us "YOU HAVE THE WRONG GRAPHIC". 

We leave the graphic up for that simple reason alone.

-- ADVERTISEMENT FOR TERRIBLE BEER --

#5 PRO/REL FOR USA CONSPIRACY THEORY

We use a picture from England and the Wimbledon situation because it is more authentic and it evokes a culture desperate to be aped in North America. We throw out controversial statements and pitch a conspiracy theory that isn't in any way true but sounds comforting. Without directly stating that we support Promotion and Relegation we frame an argument theoretically supporting both having it and not so that we don't get in trouble. This simple thing alone drives traffic to tell us how wrong we are from both sides of the argument.

We also use the word Football only on this particular photo.

-- ADVERTISEMENT FOR OUR CLOTHING LINE AGAIN --

ABRUPT ENDING LEAVING YOU FEELING DEEP LEVELS OF DISSATISFACTION

Date Clears Hurdle Of Meeting Soccer Family

Tampa Bay, FL - Tampa Bay Rowdies fan Charlotte Gideon admitted that her date cleared the hurdle of meeting her soccer family and that the possibility of a second date at a game is likely after a successful outing at the recent Tampa Bay - Ottawa Fury game on June 4th.

Photo: COLIN O'HARA

"He did ok," stated Ms. Gideon to The Nutmeg News. "He even managed to sing a bit, although he awkwardly messed up the lyrics."

Reportedly, Mr Thomas Kurtz of St. Petersburg was unsure what Ms. Gideon meant when she stated, "I'd like you to meet my family," before heading to the soccer game, but he had a decent time despite not being a soccer fan.

"I didn't really know she was into soccer THAT much," stated Mr Kurtz. "It was really surprising. I met all these people and Charlotte really seemed to know, well, everyone. It was pretty intimidating. There were these guys that were ultra protective of her and everyone around me was singing and yelling and chanting. They had all these rituals and superstitions. It felt like I was getting indoctrinated or something. Hell, I thought I was meeting her mom and dad. "

Mr Kurtz was spotted having a good time around the 77th minute, but friends of Ms Gideon aren't convinced.

"He didn't buy a scarf, he wasn't drinking in the second half and I caught him texting while the boys were attacking. This relationship is absolutely doomed, mark my words," stated Armando Gueverra, friend of Ms Gideon for the past three years. "I predict three months before he gets dumped because he asks her if they have to go to every game or if they can do something different for once."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Gideon sets her relationship status on Facebook to "It's complicated."

American Outlaws Suggest Changes To American Flag

CHICAGO - The American Outlaws unveiled a political T.I.F.O display suggesting that the current United States flag needs to change, on Tuesday, during the United States - Costa Rica Copa America game.

It's the famous Red, Red, White, Red, ending on white combination! Even Canadians know that how the flag looks!

Oh. Right.

"Bro, the flag is like old shit now. We need new shit," stated American Outlaws Public Relations officer Dudebro LeBucknaked, clearly an alias given to our reporter on the scene. 

"It's been the same for like... um... a thousand years or something? I mean, like we need to give a shout out to our bros who like double red. It's, like, double awesome! And if you don't like double red, you can get the hell out!"

When asked whether the basic premise for creating a T.I.F.O display of a flag would be getting it right, the AO representative said, "Hell no! Just because you are showing your flag that literally thousands of people have draped around their shoulders as reference doesn't mean you have to get it right! DID COLUMBUS HAVE TO GET IT RIGHT? Hell no. He just showed up and did shit. Let's all get behind the mighty blue white red, red and lift them to victory. Fuck Klinsmann though, bro."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as people modify their flag capes to include the double red bars.