MLS Confirms Preliminary Talks for Demotion of Colorado

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) confirmed that it is exploring the idea of demoting Colorado down to the USL in order to promote the Jacksonville Armada after a particularly great showing in terms of attendance.

"We are calling this measure 'enforced demotion' which, you will see, is drastically different from the idea of Promotion/Relegation. Primarily the main difference is that we have given up on the Colorado Rapids, and they just won't get a chance to come back up again", said Don Garber, commissioner of Major League Soccer.

"The only metric that we care about is money and asses in the seats. Colorado had 11,450 at their last game and Jacksonville had 16,164. By the metric of only one game they are clearly headed in opposite directions, and privately I'd really like to screw the NASL again by taking another one of their teams. Honestly, Stan Kroenke isn't really that bothered by this because being divested of the Rapids allows him to focus in on what he really wants, the capture and then slaughter of the Los Angeles National Football League market."

The Nutmeg News learned that this enforced demotion rule was created when Major League Soccer was having difficulties with Chivas USA. Though the partnership wasn't in place with the USL to allow it at that time, MLS front office staff confirmed that the league is just going to use this as a carrot and stick philosophy until a rich oil sheikh buys an NASL team. At that time, MLS can use the enforced demotion rule to reshape Major League Soccer according to their whims.

"There's always time for us to create some new rule exception that allows us to increase profitability across the board", said Garber "I just can't wait to welcome the additional 5 thousand wallets, er... people, that attended the Jacksonville game recently."

Kaka Releases Statement After Orlando City Loss At Home

Orlando, FL - Superstar Kaka released a statement after Orlando City's loss at home on Friday night against DC United. The midfielder was clearly frustrated after setting up a number of his teammates and used the opportunity to call them out.

Kaka's press manager issued the following statement to the press,

"Friends, it is with great distaste that I must tell you of my disappointment in my teammates from last nights game. I'm a great guy and a great player. If you don't believe that just read my press clippings. However, last night this son of God was about to be a right bastard if ONE MORE PLAYER missed a shot against DC United. Never mind that their keeper, Steve or whoever, saved a ton of shots. Emile Heskey could have finished one of those shots. Hell, Niklas Bendtner could finish one of those shots. If you, my teammates, miss one more shot I'm going to have one of my associates come to your house afterward and you two will settle this like sons of Canaan as indicated in Genesis . I will be asking Orlando City management to find me a player who can actually put the ball in the net. Thanks and please go score some goals now. Kaka."

Artists rendition of Kaka getting so mad that he facepalms and Brek Shea covering his eyes in disgust.

TNN reached out to Orlando City management for comment on the press release and received the following statement.

"Well......... He's not wrong."

OPINION: The Bro Report -- Handicapping Week 5 of MLS Action

The Nutmeg News prints opinion pieces from local contributors, at select times. Today's opinion piece comes from Ty Libby of Tampa, FL. The viewpoints and opinions of Mr. Libby do not necessarily reflect the viewpoints and opinions of The Nutmeg News.

Hey BRO, 

They told me that I'd get a whole section to write about soccer in this greatest nation ever built. So I'm going to start by saying PENIS. YEAH, whatchoo gonna do Mr Editor!  PEN [REDACTED - EDITORS NOTE -- Mr Libby wrote this word 43 times in large font before continuing his story]

Yeah, Bro! AMERICA.

Now, throwin bows at the MLS action for this week. If you are skeezin on the pickups this week, you should head out to the bookies and throw down some money.

First we got, DC United versus THE MIGHTY ORLANDO. Like I told my bro's before, It aint on fleek to hate on O-CITY just cause Bro's aint down with purple.  You know who is down with Purple? My man ABROham Lincoln. BAM! ABE-DOG GIVE ME A FIST BUMP!

Orlando City to win 5-1 

Next this weekend is a bunch of shit. So instead, get wasted on Friday night, pick up some ladies, get some axe body spray, hit the late morning breakfast, drink off the hangover and then tune in for Seattle versus Houston. Nobody cares about Houston, cause once I got thrown out of a strip club for trying to pay in money that I xeroxed. Bro's before strip club drama! HIGH FIVE.

I got my homies up in SEA-TOWN winning this thing by a touch down! SEA-HawksFoLyfe! HOLLA AT YOUR BOY, RUSSEL WILSON!

Seattle to win 7-0 

Then you should be on the buzzed tip, and you can get up for Sunday, which is the worst day... unless you are hanging at the Cha-Cha house with L-Dope and the beeskidz. Get that SJ and RSL match on, sit back with some mai-tais and just drink.

YEAH BRO

My bros with the SJ Ultras to take down those uptight kids from Salt Lake. Like I knew this chick from Salt Lake and she was [REDACTED - EDITORS NOTE -- Mr Libby rambles about a vulgar escapade here]

San Jose 5-2 

Now I gotta go because T-Pain is having an album release party and I'm going to rent a Ducati to drive over to my friend Olympus' house. 

Catch you next time around! HOLLA AT YOUR BRO!

Despite Weasels In Their Pants, NASL Executives Excited About The 2015 Kickoff

NEW YORK - Despite a growing problem with weasels in their pants, North American Soccer League (NASL) executives reported nothing but pure excitement over the 2015 kickoff this weekend. 

"We are looking forward to the start of the season after a very long off season" said New York Cosmos COO Erik Stover. "I mean, sure I've got a small creature running around the inside of my inseam, but we have first kick this weekend!"

Joe Robbie, president of the Fort Lauderdale Strikers, shared his excitement for the season, "We have the Cosmos first, we have some kind of bizarre association with Ronaldo (the original one) and we are ready to go. The fact that I have a weasel in my pants is only a benefit. I mean, have you ever seen Don Garber with a weasel in his pants? Or Andrew Hauptman? The NASL does it first."

Come to think of it, the weasel DOES look a lot like Andrew Hauptman

The Nutmeg News asked Major League Soccer (MLS) commissioner Don Garber about the NASL's new weasel acquisition and first kick weekend. "Well, we at Major League Soccer need to be cautious about weasel acquisition for our own executive's pants. We have implemented a 56 step secret platform that dictates whether teams can acquire a weasel for their pants. If the weasel is international and of a certain criteria, than teams that are pre-qualified for our ADVOCARE: WEASEL OF THE MONTH program will be allowed to place a weasel directly into their owners pants without too much league interference. As for the NASL first kick? You'll never succeed with free agency and transparency. Weasels for some, miniature american flags for everyone else. Major League Soccer: greatest league in the greatest country with the greatest players the world has ever known. Garber Out."

TNN will keep up with this trend of executive pants weasels as it continues.

Man Mistakenly Yells Slur At MLS Game

Seattle, WA - Robert Elliot Jones, a junior sales associate with Dmitri's Meat in Bremerton, Washington, was confronted and escorted from the recent Seattle Sounders game and then beaten in the parking lot after getting caught up in the moment and screaming the homophobic slur 'puto' in the supporters area of the Sounders stadium.

Jones, a native English speaker with exactly one year of high school Spanish, had the following to say. "Well, I'm not much of a drinker and my wife purchased the tickets for me as a boys night out type of thing since I've been taking care of our little Aiden, Kaiden and Jaiden at home for the last two months. When I got to the stadium I had a bit too much white wine before the game started. I'm usually a half glass drinker and I had a glass and a half. I knew it was going to be crazy."

Jones stated that he took his seat in the supporters section and the emotion of the crowd carried him away. "I honestly didn't mean to offend. I heard tons of fans yelling out the word during the World Cup so I thought that is what you are supposed to do. They'd always yell it as the keeper was kicking the ball so I thought it was Spanish for "punt." Look, I have tons of Hispanic friends. I mean I know a few that go to our church. At least I say hi to them from time to time when I see them in their cars as they are leaving their Spanish service. And by saying hi I mean I waive to them when they leave my parking spot. I would never say something in public that would offend them."

While Mr. Jones believed the word was Spanish for punt, the word is actually taken by North American fans to be a homophobic slur. This ignorance resulted in a major confrontation for Mr. Jones. "It was awful. People started screaming at me, someone dumped a beer on my head, another person pulled me out of my seat and started yelling at me and poking me in the face. At first I didn't even know what I did. When I finally heard someone yell 'You can't say that!' I asked, 'What can't I say? Puto?' At that point a woman screamed 'He said it again!' and I was then drug out of the supporters section and into the back parking lot."

Artists rendition of event

We spoke with one of the Sounders supporters to get their take on what happened next. "He was, like, a total Class A bigoted douchebag and needed to be served. While we waited for the King County Sheriffs to arrive we made sure he understood that we don't allow intolerance in our section by beating him." It was also reported that profanities about servicing Mr. Jones' mother were also hurled in his direction as a way to demonstrate that being offensive to others is not allowed at CenturyLink Field.

Mr. Jones was then forced to attend mandatory sensitivity training before being allowed back into another game. Mr. Jones has stated he learned a valuable lesson about swearing at soccer games and plans to keep any future swearing outbursts confined to the three swear words that his German grandfather taught him 26 years ago that he has no idea what they mean.

MIT And Opta Release Updated Statistics

Cambridge, MA - In an effort to further confuse and enrage fans everywhere, statistics analysts with Opta and the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) have released an updated spectrum of soccer statistics with the effort of really trying to still explain things that can't be explained.

"We needed to create statistics that show more individual and personalized items for players. These advanced statistics need to be able to be drilled down to their country, what they ate for breakfast and if their bowel movement was sufficient enough before they played. For example we need to explain the statistics that show statistics about why a player won't move his body 6 inches to the right or to the left while  he has possession of the ball in a vertical sense with a horizontal offense when the team is down 1 goal, on the road." said lead researcher David Foulks.

"It's important for us to clarify that someone had an expected wait time of .4 nanoseconds when considering passing options to eastern european midfielders and a .5 wait time of when considering passing options to Italian designated players to further correlate a bunch of bullshit into a general way of talking that serves only to confuse everyone further from the fact that some players and coaches aren't very good at their job."

Opta representative James Teddy said the following, "We just gotta get paid. If we keep up with providing the fans and coaching staff relatively meaningless statistics to argue about we will have done our job. I mean soccer isn't like Baseball. You can't just determine the better team or who should win by looking at possession numbers or passing numbers or whether a team completed more passes while in the opposition half. However, that doesn't stop us from trying to shoehorn in a metric for every possible play and player that allows us to really imbue the self-entitled know-it-all with a sense of righteous indignation that more people don't know about the .XGATRGERSVCDERDUDTWWADFC (expected goals allowed to rear German Slovakian center defenders expecting rapid defense under duress this week with accepted defensive frailties coefficient) percentage statistic. These statistics are enlightening and will allow you to berate other people that don't know the statistic into a comatose shell by your pure, howling rage as they fail to see how this explains .... like TOTALLY EVERYTHING."

TNN will continue to cover the statistical space race as it happens.

TNN Catalogs Soccer April Fools: @whatahowler and Howler Magazine

As Part of The Nutmeg News continuing coverage of attempted April Fools jokes online, we now turn to Howler Magazine, who actually at least put some effort into their attempted April Fools joke with their mock cover of a faux issue titled "The Denim Issue"  

The Nutmeg News will have more on the actual, factual  attempts of MLS, USL, NASL and all of North American soccer's day of pranking.

TNN Catalogs Soccer April Fools: Reddit MLS

Continuing with The Nutmeg News cataloging the attempts at April Fools jokes in soccer on the internet today, The Nutmeg News can report that the aggregation and social commentary site Reddit/MLS attempted to play an April Fools joke by pretending that the specific portion dedicated to Major League Soccer has traveled back in time before the first kick of Major League Soccer in 1996

Screenshot so you don't actually have to go there.

The site is filled with continuous in-jokes, references to long dead Major League Soccer items like shootouts, and terrible attempts to troll. Essentially, not much has changed.

The Nutmeg News will have more on the actual, factual  attempts of MLS, USL, NASL and all of North American soccer's day of pranking

TNN Catalogs Soccer April Fools: Orlando City

Orlando, FL -  In requirement with Major League Soccer's seeming mandate of running April Fools jokes, Orlando City Soccer Club attempted to play a practical joke on their fans, today.

OCSC made up a fake announcement that they installed purple turf at the Citrus Bowl before their next game, utilizing an article and a photoshopped picture of faux-purple turf to drive the emphasis of their joke home.

http://www.orlandocitysc.com/post/2015/04/01/orlando-citrus-bowl-installs-purple-pitch-ahead-friday%E2%80%99s-matchup-vs-dc-united

It's Purple

The club stated on their website, "TurfRite was able to perform the feat by modifying the DNA strands in regular bermuda grass with purple enzymes found in Lavender and Eggplant. "

The Nutmeg News will have more on the actual, factual  attempts of MLS, USL, NASL and all of North American soccer's day of pranking

TNN Catalogs Soccer Aprils Fools: New England Revolution

Foxborough, MA - In requirement with Major League Soccer's seeming mandate of running April Fools jokes, the New England Revolution attempted to play a practical joke on their fans, today. The club reported that they were docked 3 points for playing with a yellow ball during a snow game with San Jose.

http://www.revolutionsoccer.net/video/2015/03/31/revolution-docked-three-points-use-yellow-ball

The "Joke" was set up via a 1:58 second video interview and expose on the Revolution home page and was distributed over the internet via twitter.

The Nutmeg News will have more on the actual, factual  attempts of MLS, USL, NASL and all of North American soccer's day of pranking

USMNT to play Vietnam, AO organizes viewing parties

Omaha, NE - At the twin unveiling of their Alamo themed Mexico poster and the announcement of an upcoming international friendly soccer match between the United States and Vietnam, the American Outlaws have announced their plans to host a viewing party. TNN met with American Outlaws representative Bruce Ternasky at the Omaha Hooters so he could go over some of the ideas that they were working on to celebrate the event and to take advantage of the happy hour $1 Jello-shots and $8 pitchers of Bud Light.

"Remember the Alamo", said jingoistic people everywhere who forget that the nascent Republic of Texas lost that battle and lost the Alamo..... Or tend to forget things like Jim Bowie being a profiteering slave trader who had renounced his US Citizenship for Mexican citizenship. Or the issue that most historians consider it extremely likely that Crockett never actually wore a coonskin cap (essentially the image used is really more like Fess Parker during the Disney series than an actual depiction of Crockett). Or the fact that utilizing the idea of the imagery of the location of the death and injury of roughly 180 to 250 soldiers on the side of the Republic of Texas and 400 to 600 Mexican soldiers to make a point in soccer is pretty unsavory. Y'know.... Basic History.

“First off I just gotta say that we are going to really kick their asses again, just like my grandpa did back in ‘62. It’s going to be a slaughter, bro. So according to AO bylaws we have to not only have a party the day of the game but we need one the day before so we’re going to go out and just get wrecked and watch a bunch of old Vietnam movies like Platoon and Saving Private Ryan to really get our blood going.

The next day is going to be ultra-intense. Our catering plan for booze is to have one keg for every 4 people and to also have screwdrivers available. We’re mixing up vodka with, you ready for it? Agent Orange Juice. Sick, right? I know. So yeah that’s all the drinks down but then we also have to have a bunch of Vietnam themed food so we’re going to fry up a bunch of Hamburger Hill Hamburgers and instead of beer nuts we’re going to make ‘Ho Chi Minh Trail Mix.’ Get this, we’re going to get a bunch of that powdered alcohol to sprinkle all over the trail mix. Genius right? We’re going to get so wrecked.”

When asked about sanitation concerns with the amount of people expected at the event Ternasky replied with: “Nah nah nah nah nah. Don’t worry about that. We got it covered. We even came up with a theme for it. So we rented out a bunch of port-o-potties and we’re going to have them out back of the building. We’re calling it “The Tour of Doodie." Ternasky then began to laugh and foam from his Bud Light reportedly came out of his nose.

We then asked about the perception that many have of this event being highly offensive. “It’s all good, bro, the war happened like 60 years ago or something. It’s not like it was 14 years ago, which was 2001, by they way in case you had forgotten.” He then stared at our TNN reporter for fifteen seconds without speaking and then continued. “Our boys are going to be going on the Tet Offensive and it’s up to us to keep the home fires burning with lots of meat piled on them.”

MLS To Consider Philadelphia Expansion

Philadelphia, PA - After realizing the colossal mess up they made in handing a franchise with built in, passionate fans to an ownership group that hired Peter Nowak, John Hackworth and about 486 goal keepers in 6 months, Major League Soccer (MLS) has reportedly started eyeing a new Philadelphia team.

"Philadelphia is a great soccer market with 12,000 season tickets before the first season even began and the ownership there managed to get them to dead last in the league in just 5 years. It's quite an accomplishment", said commissioner of MLS Don Garber. "I mean, even Chivas USA had a resurgence for a couple years before going into the tank. These guys have just managed to find a new way to sink lower and lower in front of a loyal fan base that still manages to try to fill the building nearly every season."

"When you add in a Nowak double lawsuit that alleged both wrongful termination as well as financial improprieties on player transactions by the coach as well as unethical conduct, creating a culture of fear and a hostile work environment and the team acting as the rehabilitation location for Conor Casey's frequent dalliances with the injury list it's a wonder the Union had any fans out there at all." said Philadelphia Union beat reporter Harold Dubois. 

TNN asked Don Garber his opinion on how they would go about the situation with the Union and he had the following to say, "We are debating between rewarding horrible ownership via the Chivas Method (TM) by paying off current ownership with millions of dollars above their buy in price so that they leave and we can sell the Union to an insanely wealthy, homophobic, oil and gas ownership group from the Middle East; or just 'contracting' the team and starting a new team in Philadelphia called the Philadelphia Shmunion." said commissioner Garber. "I'm pretty sure that the fans won't notice the difference if we just do this without telling everyone with a backroom secret vote that isn't revealed until the team is disbanded and we are already working on branding the new team as being the right, responsible ownership in the league. Look what the fans don't know won't kill them and holy crap they don't know a lot."

TNN was able to verify through Mr. Garber that this new Shmunion team would make retired goalkeeper Kasey Keller their first signing, if this second option happens.

Number Of Available Excuses Relax Portland Timbers

Portland, OR - Portland Timbers ownership and Public Relations teams today admitted that the vast number of excuses that they have available for the 2015 season make it easy for them to relax.

"With Diego Valeri and Will Johnson out for the first few months we already had the excuse of 'missing our star players' available. Then when Ben Zemanski went down, we were able to add "embattled team pushes on' and then when we lost Michael Nanchoff we realized that we hit the absolutely perfect scenario" said owner Merritt Paulson. "We realized that no matter the result we now have an absolutely perfect excuse available.

All available scenarios are now covered for the rest of the year. If we win, it was a plucky win against the odds. If we lose, it was our shorthanded boys giving the maximum effort. If we draw, it was a great result that allows us to wait until our injured players come back. We basically could tie every game for the season, miss the playoffs and still be able to blame our performance on bad luck and missing key players."

Coming off a loss against the Vancouver Whitecaps, the Timbers public relations team was equally satisified with their level of excuses heading into week five. The head of public relations for the team, Dave Tern, stated, "Yeah, it's great. By doing virtually nothing with regard to replacing our missing players in the offseason, Merritt has allowed us to be able to excuse away the lack of wins in the first four weeks. Even the last three years have been a cakewalk despite the Timbers having more ties than fathers day."

TNN asked Mr Tern and Mr Paulson about their opinions on how the fans would take this new found wellspring of excuses and Mr Paulson answered the question with the following statement. "The fans? Who gives a shit. I'd like to replace them all with fans who would just shut up and spend more money on the club. They are replaceable, I am not."

1906 Ultras Hire Michael Vick As Rebranding Advisor

San Jose, CA - After the San Jose Earthquakes supporter group known as the “1906 Ultras” came under scrutiny by MLS teams and other supporters groups for misconduct, they decided to try and leave the past behind them by updating their group name and by working to rebrand their image. The group decided to spearhead this new PR campaign by enlisted the consulting services of Michael Vick, the NFL quarterback convicted of running a dogfighting operation out of his house.

TNN spoke to Michael Vick to gain some insight into his plans for improving the groups image. “I am absolutely confident that I can help the 1906 Ultras regain some respect in the league the same way in which I was able. First up we changed the name to San Jose Ultras. Second we’re going to start over-publicising some charity work to really make any of their critics look like tools. Even without any prior history of actual charity work being done by the 1906 Ultras, with enough over-inflated publicity we can whitewash public perception so that the public will forget what they did and this whole thing can be taken out to the yard and buried.”

TNN met with a member of the 1906 Ultras who agreed to speak to us on the condition of anonymity and on the condition that he could take a selfie of us and him wearing a scarf over his face that he could post on ultras-tifo.net. “Michael Vick ran a dogfighting operation where they would kill dogs by slamming them on the ground, electrocuting them, or hanging them, and this all after they were forced to fight to the death. After just serving a little bit of time in prison and doing some minor charity work he was able to come back into the NFL making millions. He has proven himself successful in being able to wash away metaphorical and literal blood off his own hands. We just want to get people to forget that we yelled shit a few times and ALLEGEDLY beat a few men and women up. Vick is totally the person to represent us and help us remake our image.”

Vick insists that patience is the key to changing the attitudes of their critics. “I keep telling them to never give up and that they’ve still got a dog in this fight. Sure that dog might be chained up and getting meaner and meaner but once we let that dog go he’s going to tear out the throat of negative public perception.”

Man Writes Glowing Profile of FC Edmonton Despite Having Never Been There

Edmonton, AB - American writer Jason Dryer wrote an expansive article praising FC Edmonton despite having never even stepped foot in the province of Alberta.

Dryer said, "It's hard out there as a blogger and writer to find unique viewpoints and locations for a new soccer story. However, when I heard about 'The Eddies' I realized that I had hit a home run. I had the distinct chance of covering a new Detroit City type story and I figured that the best way to do this would be from my couch in Los Angeles." 

Dryer used gross generalizations and facts from Wikipedia as well as repeat viewings of the John Candy movie "Canadian Bacon" to fill out his story while utilizing pictures from the web of players that are no longer with the team. 

"It doesn't matter whether I am factually right or whether I am wrong, they are small team so they will appreciate any coverage even if it is shit coverage. Also, their fans should thank me that I care enough to even write a profile about them in the first place. I mean honestly, I'm just doing this so that I can increase my twitter followers and get more access and information from MLS teams who are slowly starting to realize that I am reliable wellspring of ass kissing."

TNN was able to obtain a statement from FC Edmonton on the piece, "We truly enjoyed Mr Dryer's coverage of FC Edmonton and hope to host him at a game soon!"

When asked about this statement from FC Edmonton, Dryer said the following, "I'll write the most glowing review they have ever seen if they pay for me to come out there."

Rob Heineman: "Major League Soccer Really Offers Me The Chance To Be An Asshole"

Kansas City, KS - Caught in a web of stupidity, Rob Heineman (CEO) and Sporting Kansas City decided to firmly entrench themselves by using the press to insult the press after getting mad at the press.

"I've always wanted to be a megalomaniacal asshole", said Heineman "and being the CEO of a soccer club in Kansas City allows me the ability to really crank up the madness. Major League Soccer really offers me the chance to be an asshole."

Heineman, reportedly, has taken to telling everyone in his office what they can say and what they can't say by providing them with detailed scripts that they must use for all conversation during the day. As well, a new stadium policy requires all attendants to firmly declare their occupation before they enter Sporting Park into a two way radio that only Heineman hears after which Heineman himself (in conjunction with a partnership with LinkedIn) will determine if they can enter and watch Sporting Kansas City play.

"No journo's in my club. Snitches get stitches. I'm gonna go all thug on these journo's." said Heineman "They call me paranoid, they call me insane, but if they don't get on MY narrative they are going to be calling for a new job. I'll replace each and every reporter, if I get my way. Just like our shit players. Hell, I'll replace each one of the fans. I've talked to other owners, the best way to handle controversy is to act like a spoiled five year old child. 

Step 1: Insult the bloggers

Step 2: Insult the Journalists

Step 3: Insult the Fans

Step 4: Attempt to replace as many of the prior three as possible with people who are on your bandwagon.

It's simple really. No one gets to report on what I said, and you can  print that."

Heineman then picked up a bat, smashed a table and walked out of the room screaming, "I AM ABOVE THE LAW"

Artist Rendering of Heineman at work

TNN will report on this story as it continues.

Regional, Soccer Playing Argentinian Introduces North America To New K-Pop Sound

Barcelona, SP - Major League Soccer and New York Red Bull's superfan Lionel Messi introduced North America to the sounds of new Korea Pop (K-Pop) supergroup  X-TREME Man Deluxe on Sunday.

Messi, who has been known to wear a Chris Duvall kit to bed, plays for a poor, regional soccer club named Barcelona. Barcelona recently sent a delegation to Major League Soccer to learn the intricacies of pandering to the lowest common denominator via video and getting fans to love it. 

In a fit of cultural relations the commissioner of Major League Soccer, Don Garber, has reportedly been in conversation with X-TREME Man Deluxe to play the halftime show of the Major League Soccer All-Star game with now retired MLS Superstar and clearly reticent rapper Steve Zakuani.

"I'd literally do anything. ANYTHING. I MEAN FREAKING ANYTHING, including horrible sexual things that you can't even imagine to get Lionel Messi in an MLS Stadium", said Don Garber.

TNN will stay abreast of Garber's pandering as it happens.

Mediocre Man Offers Mediocre Opinions On Mediocre Season

Houston, Texas - With the first couple weeks of the 2015 MLS season underway most teams have three games behind them and Houston Dynamo analyst David Williams sat with TNN to discuss his take on the season so far and predictions for how the season will progress.

“We’ve had a win and a loss and a tie, “ David said as he stirred a pot of Hamburger Helper, “That’s pretty good I guess. I don’t really expect too much from the team at this point. Or ever really. If we win, we win. If we lose, we lose. It’s not really a big deal to me either way.”

As he reached into the refrigerator for a can of Coke Zero we asked him to give us his take on the dynamics of the teams playing style this year and if it provided more spectating excitement than in previous seasons. “I dunno. I can’t really tell the difference. I’ve heard that European soccer is pretty exciting but I’ve never bothered to watch a game so I can’t really compare it to anything. To me MLS seems just fine. I go to the games, have some hot dogs, maybe a beer, two if I’m feeling wild. I usually buy a new kit each year to support the team but I generally only wear them when I go to the gym, which is like once a month or something. What was the question? Oh, dynamics. Yeah, it’s pretty good. Seems like it anyway.”

We asked David how he goes about sharing this overflowing passion of the game that he has with his twelve year old son, Peter. “Peter sat and watched part of a game last year with me and I thought he might like to have a ball of his own so I picked one up from the church yard sale last year. It was like fifty cents and helped the high-school youth group get a new ping-pong table. Anyway, the ball is usually just laying out in the yard. If I’m out mowing the lawn and Peter is around I’ll kick it out of my way over towards him. Sometimes he tries to kick it back but usually it just stays where it lands after I kick it until next time I mow that spot.”

As we left David sat down on his Ikea couch to turn his keen analytical eye to the NYCFC vs New England Revolution game. He then turned on his picture-in-picture to TNT which was airing a rerun of Two And A Half Men. He then swapped pictures leaving the MLS match in the bottom right corner.   We can also report that he opened a bottle of Miller High Life, took a drink, and was quoted as saying: “Mmmmm. That's good.”

TNN will keep readers posted on further updates.

Man Who Watches MLS Saturday Games Slips Into Coma

Des Moines, IA - Local resident and Major League Soccer (MLS) aficionado Gerry Pulaski,  was found unresponsive by friends and family after attempting to watch a Saturday marathon of MLS games. TNN was able to speak with his wife Carlotta on the situation and why Gerry is now in intensive care.

"Well, Gerry is a huge soccer fan and was looking forward to some great games, but they were all just so horrible. He watched one after the other after the other and slowly his ability to reason was lost. He started babbling about how it isn't all about the goals, but I knew that he was just rationalizing. He lost the ability to tell basic time and perform general math during the Colorado versus NYCFC match. Then during the Sporting Kansas City versus Portland Timbers match, he voided his bowels and started raving incoherently. I just thought it was from the heavy amount of beer that he consumed in order to make the games interesting, or perhaps a mixed reaction from all the Cialis in his system, but during the first part of the Los Angeles Houston he seemed better. Unfortunately he then fell apart during the last 60 minutes of the game when it became apparent that he was about to watch his fourth draw of the day" said Carlotta Pulaski

Reports of other fans running the New England Revolution v Montreal Impact, Colorado v NYCFC, Sporting KC v Timbers, LA v Houston gauntlet with grim results surfaced early on Monday as emergency rooms were flooded with bored soccer patients.

"It was awful, just awful. I blacked out around the 30th minute of Colorado versus NYCFC, and that is what saved me from having a dullness caused aneurysm" said NYCFC fan Donald Brixton.

"Somewhere in between the first and second half of SKC versus Portland, my husband found me shaking uncontrollably on the couch muttering 'Twellman was right, won't someone actually try to win and score an actual game winning goal' It was awful." said Houston Dynamo fan Larry Teshino. "I almost didn't recover in enough time to watch Houston play"

TNN will try to continue to cover this wave of mediocre play and horrible finishing, if we don't fall asleep while watching all the games because they were so effortlessly dull.

The Nutmeg News Poll Of The Week Results - Week Of 3-16-2015

The Nutmeg News Poll Of The Week results are in for the business week of March 16th, 2015.

In response to "How many different songs will NYCFC supporters sing by the end of the season?" the message and mandate was clear.

UNBELIEVABLY, in a week filled with dour draws that underwhelmed  in Major League Soccer, this poll, as well, finished in a tie. With an underwhelming 40% of the vote the result was split between

0 songs - The club didn't pay 100 million dollars to hear people sing

AND

2 songs - Take Me Out To The Ballgame and 7 Nation Army 10000 times in one game.

May Peter Crouch in his infinite wisdom have mercy upon us all.

So say we all.