Rob Heineman: "Major League Soccer Really Offers Me The Chance To Be An Asshole"

Kansas City, KS - Caught in a web of stupidity, Rob Heineman (CEO) and Sporting Kansas City decided to firmly entrench themselves by using the press to insult the press after getting mad at the press.

"I've always wanted to be a megalomaniacal asshole", said Heineman "and being the CEO of a soccer club in Kansas City allows me the ability to really crank up the madness. Major League Soccer really offers me the chance to be an asshole."

Heineman, reportedly, has taken to telling everyone in his office what they can say and what they can't say by providing them with detailed scripts that they must use for all conversation during the day. As well, a new stadium policy requires all attendants to firmly declare their occupation before they enter Sporting Park into a two way radio that only Heineman hears after which Heineman himself (in conjunction with a partnership with LinkedIn) will determine if they can enter and watch Sporting Kansas City play.

"No journo's in my club. Snitches get stitches. I'm gonna go all thug on these journo's." said Heineman "They call me paranoid, they call me insane, but if they don't get on MY narrative they are going to be calling for a new job. I'll replace each and every reporter, if I get my way. Just like our shit players. Hell, I'll replace each one of the fans. I've talked to other owners, the best way to handle controversy is to act like a spoiled five year old child. 

Step 1: Insult the bloggers

Step 2: Insult the Journalists

Step 3: Insult the Fans

Step 4: Attempt to replace as many of the prior three as possible with people who are on your bandwagon.

It's simple really. No one gets to report on what I said, and you can  print that."

Heineman then picked up a bat, smashed a table and walked out of the room screaming, "I AM ABOVE THE LAW"

Artist Rendering of Heineman at work

Artist Rendering of Heineman at work

TNN will report on this story as it continues.