OPINION: The Bro Report -- Handicapping Week 5 of MLS Action

The Nutmeg News prints opinion pieces from local contributors, at select times. Today's opinion piece comes from Ty Libby of Tampa, FL. The viewpoints and opinions of Mr. Libby do not necessarily reflect the viewpoints and opinions of The Nutmeg News.

Hey BRO, 

They told me that I'd get a whole section to write about soccer in this greatest nation ever built. So I'm going to start by saying PENIS. YEAH, whatchoo gonna do Mr Editor!  PEN [REDACTED - EDITORS NOTE -- Mr Libby wrote this word 43 times in large font before continuing his story]

Yeah, Bro! AMERICA.

Now, throwin bows at the MLS action for this week. If you are skeezin on the pickups this week, you should head out to the bookies and throw down some money.

First we got, DC United versus THE MIGHTY ORLANDO. Like I told my bro's before, It aint on fleek to hate on O-CITY just cause Bro's aint down with purple.  You know who is down with Purple? My man ABROham Lincoln. BAM! ABE-DOG GIVE ME A FIST BUMP!

Orlando City to win 5-1 

Next this weekend is a bunch of shit. So instead, get wasted on Friday night, pick up some ladies, get some axe body spray, hit the late morning breakfast, drink off the hangover and then tune in for Seattle versus Houston. Nobody cares about Houston, cause once I got thrown out of a strip club for trying to pay in money that I xeroxed. Bro's before strip club drama! HIGH FIVE.

I got my homies up in SEA-TOWN winning this thing by a touch down! SEA-HawksFoLyfe! HOLLA AT YOUR BOY, RUSSEL WILSON!

Seattle to win 7-0 

Then you should be on the buzzed tip, and you can get up for Sunday, which is the worst day... unless you are hanging at the Cha-Cha house with L-Dope and the beeskidz. Get that SJ and RSL match on, sit back with some mai-tais and just drink.


My bros with the SJ Ultras to take down those uptight kids from Salt Lake. Like I knew this chick from Salt Lake and she was [REDACTED - EDITORS NOTE -- Mr Libby rambles about a vulgar escapade here]

San Jose 5-2 

Now I gotta go because T-Pain is having an album release party and I'm going to rent a Ducati to drive over to my friend Olympus' house. 

Catch you next time around! HOLLA AT YOUR BRO!