MLS To Consider Philadelphia Expansion

Philadelphia, PA - After realizing the colossal mess up they made in handing a franchise with built in, passionate fans to an ownership group that hired Peter Nowak, John Hackworth and about 486 goal keepers in 6 months, Major League Soccer (MLS) has reportedly started eyeing a new Philadelphia team.

"Philadelphia is a great soccer market with 12,000 season tickets before the first season even began and the ownership there managed to get them to dead last in the league in just 5 years. It's quite an accomplishment", said commissioner of MLS Don Garber. "I mean, even Chivas USA had a resurgence for a couple years before going into the tank. These guys have just managed to find a new way to sink lower and lower in front of a loyal fan base that still manages to try to fill the building nearly every season."

"When you add in a Nowak double lawsuit that alleged both wrongful termination as well as financial improprieties on player transactions by the coach as well as unethical conduct, creating a culture of fear and a hostile work environment and the team acting as the rehabilitation location for Conor Casey's frequent dalliances with the injury list it's a wonder the Union had any fans out there at all." said Philadelphia Union beat reporter Harold Dubois. 

TNN asked Don Garber his opinion on how they would go about the situation with the Union and he had the following to say, "We are debating between rewarding horrible ownership via the Chivas Method (TM) by paying off current ownership with millions of dollars above their buy in price so that they leave and we can sell the Union to an insanely wealthy, homophobic, oil and gas ownership group from the Middle East; or just 'contracting' the team and starting a new team in Philadelphia called the Philadelphia Shmunion." said commissioner Garber. "I'm pretty sure that the fans won't notice the difference if we just do this without telling everyone with a backroom secret vote that isn't revealed until the team is disbanded and we are already working on branding the new team as being the right, responsible ownership in the league. Look what the fans don't know won't kill them and holy crap they don't know a lot."

TNN was able to verify through Mr. Garber that this new Shmunion team would make retired goalkeeper Kasey Keller their first signing, if this second option happens.