NEW YORK - Despite a growing problem with weasels in their pants, North American Soccer League (NASL) executives reported nothing but pure excitement over the 2015 kickoff this weekend.
"We are looking forward to the start of the season after a very long off season" said New York Cosmos COO Erik Stover. "I mean, sure I've got a small creature running around the inside of my inseam, but we have first kick this weekend!"
Joe Robbie, president of the Fort Lauderdale Strikers, shared his excitement for the season, "We have the Cosmos first, we have some kind of bizarre association with Ronaldo (the original one) and we are ready to go. The fact that I have a weasel in my pants is only a benefit. I mean, have you ever seen Don Garber with a weasel in his pants? Or Andrew Hauptman? The NASL does it first."
The Nutmeg News asked Major League Soccer (MLS) commissioner Don Garber about the NASL's new weasel acquisition and first kick weekend. "Well, we at Major League Soccer need to be cautious about weasel acquisition for our own executive's pants. We have implemented a 56 step secret platform that dictates whether teams can acquire a weasel for their pants. If the weasel is international and of a certain criteria, than teams that are pre-qualified for our ADVOCARE: WEASEL OF THE MONTH program will be allowed to place a weasel directly into their owners pants without too much league interference. As for the NASL first kick? You'll never succeed with free agency and transparency. Weasels for some, miniature american flags for everyone else. Major League Soccer: greatest league in the greatest country with the greatest players the world has ever known. Garber Out."
TNN will keep up with this trend of executive pants weasels as it continues.