The Nutmeg News Poll Of The Week Results - Week Of 3-2-15

The Nutmeg News Poll Of The Week results are in for the business week of March 2nd, 2015.

In response to "Quien Es Mas Macho'" (a joke so obscure that we were forced to show youtube videos of the original skit to our intern staff) the message and mandate was clear.

With an overwhelming 60% of the vote, the majority of you said 

Diego Valeri In The Rain Reciting Poetry

As well, a tie between a Federico Higuain Youtube Video Set To Slowjams and Don Garber Hair Piece Made Out Of Shredded Bits Of SUM Financial Statements and Allocation Money of course only proves that no one in Major League Soccer loves Cubo Torres or Javier Morales.

Miniature Soccer Ball Aggressively Caught At Game Relegated To Dog Toy

Houston, TX - 42 year old Wade Tatum was one of twelve fans at the Houston Dynamo preseason match to catch a miniature replica of a Dynamo soccer ball. Upon returning home he presented it to his son who in turn presented it to the family dog.

“One of the players started walking in the direction of our section, “ Wade says, “but I can’t remember who it was or what section I was in as we got the tickets from some Groupon thing at my work and I don’t really follow soccer. Anyway, I could tell that this player was going to kick it our way so I said to my wife, ‘Caroline, hold my beers; I’m getting that ball.’ I’m five-eleven and weigh 310 pounds so when I decided that the ball was mine, that ball was mine.”

Witnesses at the game say that while Brad Davis, the Dynamo player kicking the ball into the fans, was facing the general direction of the Tatums, that Mr. Davis kicked the ball nearly 50 feet to the left of their seats. Wade, unperturbed by the distance, half-crawled and half-crab walked across peoples laps and the backs of the seats knocking over children, beers, and adults before finally reaching over the head of an eight year old girl wearing a Dynamo kit to snatch the ball one handed out of the air. Wade then made his way back to his seat where he held up the ball in victory before going on to drink 4 more beers and fall asleep in the 53rd minute.

Upon arriving home he presented the ball to his son Carter who was playing XBox and wearing a microphone headset at the time. “My dad came in and was talking about a ball or something,” Carter said, “but I was playing GTA Online and was in the middle of a heist so I couldn't really listen. My dad yelled about me not appreciating stuff or something and then kind of just threw the ball at me. I don’t even care about soccer so I just kicked it out into the hall.”

It was at this time that Apollo, the families pet Rottweiler, picked it up and carried it off behind the couch where it was quickly punctured and deflated. Apollo then went on to dismantle it bit by bit only to be discovered a week later by Caroline as she cleaned the house. Caroline Tatum then told TNN that she scolded the dog for making a mess and dispatched of the remains in the trash compactor.

TNN was unable to reach the eight year old girl for comment.

MLS Teams Invest In Advanced Analytics In Excuse Making

Five Major League Soccer (MLS) teams have signed on with statistical analysis company "Word Stats" to enhance their ability to make excuses for the 2015 season.

The Seattle Sounders, Portland Timbers, Toronto FC, Philadelphia Union, and Los Angeles Galaxy have all signed on with the professional word and phrase team to bring advanced analytics in excuse techniques to Major League Soccer.

"We felt like we needed to bring excuses into the 21st century, and the old way of just lobbing them from the back of the room when we felt like they were warranted is something we needed to change", said Portland Timbers director of communications Dan Laurant. "Instead of saying, 'the referee was poor' and getting a fine; advanced metrics show that saying 'the physical condition of the referee was sub-optimal' will result in a 10% gain in excuse performance."

The Seattle Sounders issued a press release on the matter, "Seattle is proud of being on the forefront of the technology revolution in soccer and we intend to do the same when it comes to excuses. Whether we blame the field, the conditions, the coach, the referee, the play of the other team, or the average humidity in the team van on the way to the game we will take our excuse generation to the absolute maximum with our new professional relationship."

Word Stats is based out of Baltimore and according to their mission statement the small, statistics based company has influenced the way in which professional coaches in Baseball, Football and Irish Lacrosse made excuses for poor play and losses.

Thousands Sign Up For Twellman Snapchat In Hope Of Nudes

After hearing the announcement that Taylor Twellman created a Snapchat account, thousands of MLS fans signed up in hope that he would follow Snapchat rules and post nudes. 

"I wanted to see that body", said 38 year old glamour shots professional Christina Smedett. "Isn't this what Snapchat is for? I mean all my boyfriend uses it for is surreptitious dick pics and the occasional picture of him dominating at World Of Warcraft."

Given the generally accepted usage for Snapchat is poorly thought out nudes while you are drunk and alone in the restroom of a dive bar and your boyfriend Zane or girlfriend Cassandra (or both) won't call you back, most people were shocked when former Major League Soccer star and current ESPN personality Taylor Twellman signed up for the service.

"I mean he has MY vote" said 26 year old vegetable supervisor and line cook Jeremy Brigan. "If Twellman wants to post nudes he should. Snapchat is for semi-nudes, nudes, dick pics and the occasional shot of a really nice sunset. SOME people use it for breaking up with another person, but the less said about that the better, LARRY."

The Nutmeg News reached out to soccer star Carlos Bocanegra and he had this to say, "Wait for ESPN the magazine, Taylor. They do the stylish nude pics. Also, get a good makeup artist, if you know what I mean."

TNN Official North American Soccer Power Rankings 3-6-15

The Nutmeg News is proud to debut their "Official North American Soccer Power Rankings" for first kick of Major League Soccer in 2015.

Today's Power Rankings have been studiously poured over by at least three drunk, unpaid interns who will be getting fired immediately after this column has been published. 

As well, we would like to announce our partnership with Castor Oil, who is a proud sponsor of The Nutmeg News since July 3rd 1885.

"Castor Oil, When you need to poop and only a remedy from the 1700's will do"

and now, without further ado.

The Nutmeg News Castor Oil North American Soccer Power Rankings

As not one single game has been played, these rankings have been sorted by a coefficient of "smug"

#1 - LA Galaxy - No club is more smug than that which just won the championship. 

#2 - Seattle Sounders - Second in the smug rankings, they think they invented smug in 2009. Clint Dempsey has a sponsorship with smug and "emaciated eye", a makeup that makes men look like they haven't eaten or slept in over 6 weeks.

#3 Montreal Impact - French Canadian? SMUG

#4 Portland Timbers - Timbers fans could also make the bottom of this list because they seem to vacillate between insanely extreme amounts of smug and insanely extreme amounts of self loathing.

#5 FC Dallas - Have you ever BEEN to Dallas? University Park? So much smug you can scrape it off the streets. Even if those people don't care about the team, it infects the ethos of their club with straight up smugnitactity.

#6 Orlando City SC - Kaka. Bros. Disney. Bros. "firms". There's more smug here than an AO convention at a gun show in South Carolina.

#7 New England Revolution - You make the final game of the season possible and you get smug. It is not necessarily an intense smug, but rather a locally sourced smug residual left over from the Red Sox who play 23 miles away.

#8 D.C. United - Theirs is an old smug, but still valid. Some of the preceding seasons have tamped down the smug considerably but it is still there to view.

#9 Real Salt Lake - This position for SLC is the upset of the entire smug  matrix. Religious smug far outweighs any other kind of smug, but due to a variety of reasons including TNN reporters being paid off (PAYOLA) and then dropping the ball on the rankings, SLC slipped to #9. Not COOL RSL. #SMUG.

#10 San Jose Earthquakes - The Earthquakes have no earthly reason to be smug, Their team has been terrible in recent times and they look to have a questionable season ahead. However, when you are one of the few teams that ended up with multiple fans in a violence based court date, your smug abilities no know bounds.

#11 Sporting Kansas City - They won MLS Cup and their food is pretty great. Small Smug. They also have a capo who dresses like Jesus. Big Smug. [guy fieri wrap up] all in all, this smug hits the spot if you are looking for a 2000 calorie meal, so come on down to Liverstrong, er.... Sporting Park and EAT EAT EAT.[/gfwu]

#12 Columbus Crew SC - Their smug comes from an age old battle between "The right way to support" "The wrong way to support" and winning an MLS cup with "Sigi Schmid (if that is his real name)" Strong Handed Anti-Capo, pro TifoSweat Smug

#13 New York City FC - They were going to be higher up on the list, but they tried to get their smug on loan from Barcelona and it signed a contract with Manchester City instead. 

#14 Houston Dynamo - Cubo Torres aside, this club hit on hard times last season struggling greatly. Their smug has been tampered by the Houston smog. Smug Smog as it were.

#15 Vancouver Whitecaps - Non majority French Canadians? Limited amount of smug. (except for the Canuck crossover in their crowd.) They are even polite in their tifo.

#16 Philadelphia Union - This team should be one of the club leaders in smug if it wasn't for their perpetually clownshoes ownership. Instead, they've put their smug into a 5 year bond in hopes that it will be twice the size when they stop signing goal keepers.

#17 Toronto FC - This organization is waiting to explode with smug. They've been on so many bad dates that it seems impossible that they will ever use their smug at this point. 

#18 Chicago Fire - A once proud club at the beginning, Andrew Hauptman has removed all the smug and sold it as diversified stock options on the market to make another $100,000 dollars.

#19 Colorado Rapids - It is hard to even consider being smug when your owner probably doesn't even know you exist. If Stan Kroenke suspected that this club had smug he would have his wife sell it in wal-mart for discounted prices and underpay all the people that did so by 50%

#20 Red Bull New York - Smug? Petke? Ali Curtis hoovered up the smug into his plan and is waiting to jam it back into the faces of the respective fan groups in Harrison, if and when the team starts winning of course. Is their smug coefficient higher than other teams on the list? YES. Is their smug, however, way... way, WAY too low for a team purportedly from New York? YES. Is asking and then answering questions a cheap way to write? ABSOLUTELY.

OPINION: To The Serial Farter In Section 122

The Nutmeg News prints opinion pieces from local contributors, at select times. Today's opinion piece comes from Daryl Jones of Issaquah, Washington. The viewpoints and opinions of Mr. Jones do not necessarily reflect the viewpoints and opinions of The Nutmeg News.

Daryl Jones - Issaquah, WA

TO THE SERIAL FARTER IN ECS (ED - Emerald City Supporters) SECTION 122

Yes, we know who you are. Yes, we know you are here for the boys. However, the noxious gasses that spew forth from your anus with malicious intent are causing near a near fatal arrhythmia among the Rave Green clad crowds that surround you.

There are times in which a man, any man, THIS man longs for the scent of the docks or the spray of a skunk or the scent of the Tacoma Dome over the unctuous and foul smelling scent that emanates from your corn hole. 

Yes, I hear you singing. Yes, I notice you are with the crowd, but my suggestion to you (dear sir) is to put a cork in the back end, not the front end. I would like to drink my beer un-fart flavored. I would like to smell the wafting scent of propane from our flamethrowers rather than your baked beans. 

In short, It is not he who smelt it dealt it, but rather he who dealt it getting belted... in the ear... if you do this again.

Sincerely yours,

Daryl Jones.

New Sporting Kansas City Kit Allows Fan Interaction

Kansas City, KS - The new Sporting Kansas City kit for the 2015 season allows fans to plot the season point total on the x and y axis says director of fan relations Timothy Belvedere.

"We thought that we would design a way for our fans to interact with each other by allowing them a way to draw on each other at the match. This way they can plot the points of the team, completely accurately, over the course of the season. While certainly there is a cause of concern for profane vandalism we maintain that this is something we are willing to suffer for our fans to interact with their kits in a new and novel way" 

While the team has admitted that this may lead to an improper usage, Kansas City anarchist fan group "The smoked meat pranksters" showed their version of schematically correct plotting. The modified "dickbutt" kit will be available on sale the season opener pre-game tailgate.

Fox Sports Adds Landon Donovan To Studio Team

LOS ANGELES - Desperate to put people to sleep before games, during half time, and after games, Fox Sports added Landon Donovan to the studio to comment on games.

"We know that MLS Legend Landon Donovan's ability to state plain facts in a wooden manner is unparalleled in American soccer, and we hope that we can combine his commentary with a sponsorship for Unisom to really help North American sleep problems" said Fox director of programming Julio Desansanza. 

"MLS Legend Landon Donovan's voice helps bridge the gap between the readily awake and the snoring heavily asleep. We count on this to make people fall asleep and leave their channel on Fox Sports for higher ratings."

The Nutmeg News reached out to Donovan for comment and he had the following to say, "I'm so happy about MLS Legend Landon Donovan's appointment. MLS Legend Landon Donovan is going to be fantastic talking about MLS Legend Landon Donovan and the horrifying reality that Major League Soccer no longer has MLS Legend Landon Donovan."

TNN spoke to man on the street Timothy Stephens, a 25 year old bank teller in Chula Vista, for his comment on the appointment and received the following, "Well, Goddammit."

God Blesses Hollingshead, Curses Santiago

Granite Bay, CA - With the announcement of Ryan Hollingshead being drafted into FC Dallas after taking a year off to build a church, God, the almighty ruler of the Universe is feeling frustrated and betrayed. God’s current plan is to take out his wrath on Pedro Santiago, an eight year old aspiring soccer player from Guerrero, Mexico who lives in a house made out of pallets.

More Old Testament, Less New Testament

“You know, I set Ryan up perfectly.” God says. “I had him born in Granite Bay, California, a city whose median family income is over $100,000 and whose demographics are over 90% white. I even got him into UCLA and saved him from countless car crashes and career ending injuries. I did all this so that he would get used to living a privileged life instead of holding down a normal food service, retail, or office job. That way he would be more inclined to join the ministry and go to work for me. The God industry needs the money that Ryan could raise. I showed him the possibilities of this by speaking to him and convincing him to take a year off his life to go build a church.”

Ryan took a year off of soccer and working to go and assist his brother Scott in building a church where Scott would be the head pastor.

“So he and Scott get done with the church,” God continues, “and I think that this is the time where he’s going to realize that ministry life is far easier than anything else and will go on to serve me. But no. What does he do as soon as the church is built? He goes right back to soccer. At this point there’s nothing I can do, I messed up and Ryan is now way too blessed by me to stop him so I’m going to have to make sure that this doesnt happen again with someone else. I’ve decided that I am going to punish Pedro Santiago, a kid who I was planning on blessing with some amazing soccer talent and would have hit the big time. I’m going to make sure that Pedro doesn’t throw away his life kicking a ball around like Ryan did.”

TNN was able to track down Pedro Santiago in the town of Guerrero, Mexico, a town with an average personal income of $5,000 a year. We found Pedro using his fingernails to scratch out pieces of recyclable glass out of garbage piles to earn a few cents to get a meager amount of food for the day. When we asked Pedro for a comment we were only offered Chiclets to purchase.

Despite Excitement Of Season Starting, MLS Players Disappoint Nearly Everyone

WASHINGTON - Major League Soccer (MLS) Players voting on the Collective Bargaining Agreement disappointed nearly everyone when they took the offered deal from MLS ownership on March 4th. 

"It was important to get something down on paper because ultimately we were terrified of striking and lacked the will power to do anything about it", said player representative Jack Jewsbury.  "We knew that once we decided to not strike and came back to negotiating on Wednesday we were utterly screwed, so we begged Major League Soccer for a deal and then decided to celebrate by having the rookies pick up an 18 pack of Miller Light."

Players Union representative Graham Zusi had the following to say, "It was important to get ours, even if that means ensuring that every young player coming into the league for the next five years will be held hostage by MLS Ownership's draconian single entity laws. I mean, I got mine and I'll be near retirement or over in Europe, hopefully, by the next time the CBA decision rolls around. Free agency for GZ in three, baby!"

Fans had an entirely different perspective and despite the enthusiasm of the season starting, they were very pointed.

"If they were going to cave for half cooked concessions than I don't know why they didn't just extend the current CBA and continue on the same path", said D.C. United fan Frank Vicenze. "I've developed a healthy dislike of the players because they toyed with everyone for so long before caving at the last minute."

MLS Ownership was buoyed by breaking the union's resolve at one of the only points in Major League Soccer history where the players union actually had an upper hand.  

"We had a ticking time bomb of two MLS expansion teams opening up, 60,000 people in Orlando, we were caught red handed with the Audi sponsorship notification, we managed to announce more sponsorship deals for our league and clubs during the players negotiation than in the previous 5 months combined, and yet they fell for our dog and pony show convincingly" said Clark Hunt.

"We will make sure that these players get nothing going forward because they broke like fine china when the heat was on. During the next CBA, we are going to limit free agency even more and hire a PR team to fix our devastating cock ups in the media".

MLS Players Union leader Bob Foose was succinct, "We held all the cards, the owners shot themselves in the foot with every possible bullet they had and we, the players, just fucked it up." 

Fans that supported Major League Soccer's ownership were especially disappointed with the players. TNN interviewed Eddie Haide, a 33 year old plumber from Brooklyn, who said,"It was a complete waste of time and energy and all the players union did was succeed in showing their impotence. They signed up for this MLS gig and they tried to ruin the season."

MLS Ownership toasted their success with champagne and yelled at unpaid interns to smash effigies of Union leadership in joyful celebration. They finished out the night by hoisting Don Garber onto their shoulders yelling "10 more years... 10 more years"

Sky Sports To Send Reporters To Cover CBA Deadline Day

WASHINGTON - Sky Sports will be sending three reporters to various cities across the United States to cover the Collective Bargaining Agreement deadline day.

Citing a recent lack of dildo antics and general background male on male sex acts in their broadcasts, Sky has reportedly embedded reporters in New York City, Washington DC, and Los Angeles in an effort to film fans reactions to the final collective bargaining agreement release.

“After the great internet response to our coverage of the Premier League deadline day, we decided that interviewing uneducated people in the United States about complex labor issues in their local soccer league would increase our daily viewership and make ourselves feel better about things”, said chairman of North American television rights William Darrowshire. "Plus, think about the kinds of dildos that can be shoved in our reporters ears in the United States! Great big ones with stars and stripes painted on them and fireworks exploding out the end! Glorious dildos that play the national anthem as they vibrate in tune with the crescendos!"

Las Vegas was reportedly one of the sites floated by Sky Sports as a potential target but was dropped because reportedly Sky Sports were afraid that they would be forced to cover Rupert Murdoch's alleged secret sexual dungeon underneath the strip that is filled with life size, anatomically correct wax sculptures of Margaret Thatcher.

Petty Man With Twitter Account Tells Everyone How It Is

Raleigh, NC - Part time soccer blogger and full time human resources assistant David Ramsey has some very specific opinions about life, the collective bargaining agreement and the fans of North American soccer.

"I'm right about so many things, and it angers me that more people don't know that", said Ramsey in an exclusive interview.

"It irritates me to no end when people get up in arms about things that I don't mind. For example, ownership is right most of the time, the coverage of the sport in the US is great, and the players in the collective bargaining agreement don't know how good they have it. Why, anyone anywhere can live on $37,00 per year. Not only that, but I know people who make far less money digging ditches and cleaning puke out of hedges. Shouldn't we think of all the atrocities in the world first before we think of soccer? I tend to think war, famine, poverty and global peace is more important than soccer. Players should be thinking of the hundreds of thousands of people dead of cholera in the 1800's and settle the Collective Bargaining Agreement. I deserve to see games, I deserve to be in the stadium, I don't care what the players get paid or what restrictions they have placed upon them. This is about my enjoyment, after all, and I deserve it"

Mr. Ramsey's twitter account, by his own admission, is used to inform people that are wrong how wrong they actually are.

"Groups of fans who get outraged about the things they are passionately interested in are the worst thing in North American soccer. It is important for me to be ahead of the curve and if someone is outraged about something I am against their outrage instantaneously. There is no room for sheeple in this game. I have to be against what they are against from the beginning. The only thing worse than fans who get outraged are fans who get outraged about fans that are outraged about things. If it happens that fans are outraged about other fans being outraged, I then ensure that I spend most of the day on twitter making snarky, pithy and dispassionate comments about the fans that are outraged and the fans who are outraged at their outrage."

TNN can confirm that friends of Mr Ramsey think he is a complete asshole, but they have been hanging out with him too long to just leave.

ESPN Takes Stand Against Players Union

Bristol, CT - North American Sports television station ESPN took a stand against the Major League Soccer (MLS) Players in solidarity with the MLS Owners on Tuesday issuing the following statement.

"While we like soccer money and soccer eyeballs (within reason this is America after all) we also like the owners and the billions of dollars they put into football, basketball and baseball even more. Let's be clear, 85% of our staff doesn't even care that North American Soccer exists outside of the US Men's National Team and the staff that does care like to either ritualistically trash the league against the perspective of American sports jingoism, frame a debate against the established European leagues, or is confined to a 30 minute show so that we can say we pander to the soccer crowd.

From this perspective we stand with the owners and we hope that they screw the players out of every possible  option that they could receive. Also, we will report very rarely on this Collective Bargaining Agreement confining it to small portions of our soccer specific show and minor blurbs of information about it here and there. Look, we have basketball drama and players thinking about Major League Baseball spring training on which to report."

In solidarity with ESPN, MLSSoccer.com has decided to not report anything at all, ever.

NYCFC Announce 50 Shades Of Grey Theme Night

NEW YORK CITY - New York City FC announce 50 Shades Of Grey Theme Night after requesting fan input on Theme Nights.

The NYCFC press release states that all participants in the 50 Shades Of Grey Theme Night will receive autographed Sheikh Mansour zip ties, a NYCFC branded flogger, and a set of ben-wa balls made with locally sourced stone from the Hudson river. Each set of ben-wa balls will be hand autographed by Derek Jeter and David Villa. The safe-word for the evening will be Lampard, and the club will have costumed servers available for drinks and paddling.

TNN has verified that in accordance with Sheikh Mansour's personal beliefs, no same sex BDSM mingling will be allowed at Yankee Stadium on 50 Shades Of Grey night.

Major League Soccer Announces Final Fantasy Soccer

NEW YORK CITY - Major League Soccer (MLS) today announced a radical new partnership with Square Enix Global which will change the way in which MLS Fantasy Soccer will be played.

Brek Shea, pictured here, will have an ability to summon a Chocobo, for added speed.

“Today, Major League Soccer is going to move into the next millennium in terms of our online entertainment division and we have partnered with the most iconic Japanese Role Playing Game developer, Square Enix Global, in order to facilitate that”, said MLS director of fantasy games Ronald Dupris.

In a detailed press release the front office announced,in conjunction with Square Enix, a complete reconfiguration of all the data points in fantasy soccer including revamped statistics, methodology and game play in a way that would please even the hardest gamer nerd fan boy.

“Major League Soccer games will no longer depend just on goals, assists, and defensive performances, but rather on Hit Points, Mana Points, PVP battles, spells, enchantments, thrown items and whether or not you cast the correct spell at the right time to reflect attacks back at your opponent.”

An example of this is at the CDM position where players like Jermaine Jones  will have an HP of 300 with a MP of 400 and the ability to cast “Wall” (where he reflects magical charges) as long as someone like Dom Dwyer doesn't cast a break spell, which will totally lead to Jones' wall being dropped before Dwyer casts Meteo and smashes the back line apart, that is until Gonsalves tries to cast Ultima which TOTALLY blows up in his face because Benny Feilhaber has actually been summoning Bahamut in the background which owns, OWNS, Ultima point blank and leads to a goal, which generates a ton of XP for your team and allows you to equip them with Celestriad (The Economizer) which makes any player cast spells for 1 mp.

MLS also announced that Final Fantasy Soccer will contain multiple stories lines, managed by the front office, hidden characters that may transfer into your squad, and completely insane player acquisition methodology that hinders your squad when you are about to go in and face a final boss. Also, all MLS emergency squad players will be renamed to Cid and everyone who plays Final Fantasy Soccer will finish the game with the 46 elixers, 100 shurikens, and a spare Jalil Anibaba that you thought you would need at some point.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as players debate whether or not they REALLY need to use a cabin during the All-Star break.

LA Galaxy Honor Sponsor, Herbalife, With New Kit

Carson, CA - LA Galaxy unveiled their new team kits this week with a photo shoot to honor their kit supporter Herbalife. Cindy Pinoz, the liaison for the LA Galaxy creative department, was on hand to give insight and answer reporters questions.

“With all the success the club has had over the past few years we felt it was time to give tribute to a company that has provided years of support and like our team has grown strong and stable and will endure for many years. I don’t think I am way out of line to say that Herbalife is truly the company that represents LA Galaxy.

To capture this image our marketing department envisioned our two enterprises as being pyramids standing firm in the sand. We initially had the idea of flying the whole team over to the great pyramid of Giza to have the players model the kits but with middle east politics such as they are this was not going to be feasible. In addition Bruce Arena and our fitness staff were very Mad off our request to take players away just before the season starts.

Our creative team refused to give up and continued to scheme on how best to tie in this image of the pyramids. They then presented the idea of having a shoot in the sand and letting the name itself “Herbalife” represent a pyramid.

The plan was to drive out to the California desert but gas prices have increased too much over the past couple weeks and there are no electric car charging stations on the way. We then brought in some our creative team interns to sit with our senior members so we could come together with some true multi-level marketing. In the end we just decided to go 20 minutes over to the beach and just throw the kit on the ground and kick some sand on it and take a few pictures of it.”

Liga MX, NWSL, NASL, USL, NPSL, PDL, MASL, USASA, PCSL, Ligue1, and PLSQ announce that they will be starting on time.

A joint press release from Liga BBVA Bancomer MX, Acenso MX, Segunda Division de Mexico, Tercera Division de Mexico, the National Women's Soccer League, the North American Soccer League, the United Soccer League, the National Premier Soccer League, the Premier Development League, Major Arena Soccer League, the United States Adult Soccer Association, the Pacific Coast Soccer League, League1 Ontario, and the Premiere Ligue de soccer du Quebec announced today that they will be starting their seasons on time.

"We formally would like to announce that we currently have no labor strife and that our leagues will be starting their respective 2015/16 seasons on time." said the press release. 

This announcement means that Major League Soccer (MLS) is the only North American league currently with the possibility of delaying their upcoming season due to the current impasse between management and the players union. 

The press release finished with the statement, "Additionally, to clarify further rumors, none of us will be employing Freddy Adu this season, as well."

60,000 People In Orlando To Watch Bargaining Agreement Death Match

Orlando, FL - Orlando City Soccer Club today announced that they sold out the entirety of their ticket stock at the Citrus Bowl, 60,000, for their first ever game in Major League Soccer (MLS) on March 8th, 2015. Given the current labor impasse with Major League Soccer and the MLS Players Union, Orlando City announced that instead of a game of soccer they will split the players and the MLS Front Office staff into two groups and have them fight to the death.

"The idea really came about when Brek Shea was stoned, watching gladiator and painting while on holiday in Stoke-on-Trent in England", said Orlando City director of gladiatorial pursuits and water park development Rambone Jamison. "We decided to give both sides the chance to decide the fate of Major League Soccer in a mine filled, trap engorged, arena of death with lions and bears ready to leap on any stragglers that attempt to escape."

Contestants will be given the opportunity to pair with each other and work as a team, as long as it doesn't involve crossing picket lines and working as a scab. Contestants who wish to increase the odds against the other team can take 4 doses of very high potency, locally sourced Orlando acid which will reduce the number of weapons that the other team has to use against them. The usage of lawyers will be strictly disallowed, as this may cause both teams to turn on their common enemy before settling their own labor disagreement.

If no winner can be decided after 90 minutes, then the two sides will settle their labor dispute with a game of extreme tiddlywinks.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this situation as it develops.

The Nutmeg News Poll Of The Week Results - Week Of 2-23-15

The Nutmeg News Poll Of The Week results are in for the business week of February 23rd, 2015.

In response to "Which Place Will Get An MLS Team Next?'", the message and mandate was clear.

With an overwhelming 48% of the vote, the majority of you said Somewhere 20 Miles Away From Miami.

he Nutmeg News can report that it received, oddly enough, a mail in ballot from a D. Beckham that was a vote for, and we quote, "New Jersey because those assholes wont let me build a stadium that has live dolphins underneath a glass floor as a playing surface".

Also, much like Stan Kroenke's attention, "Actually In Denver" received limited attention with a scant 3% of the vote. Most of those voting for that option were from Denver themselves.

Drag Superstar Latrice Royale Called To Help Orlando City Soccer Club

Orlando, FL - Drag superstar Latrice Royale was called to Orlando, Florida after the mascot for Orlando City Soccer Club, Kingston, failed in an attempt to do his own makeup.

"We knew something went wrong when Kingston walked out of the bathroom and the whole office gasped. This wasn't good by any standard and there was only one person who could fix the problem", said director of mascot relations Heather Appleby. "We immediately called in the professional talent of makeup expert and drag superstar Latrice Royale."

BEFORE/AFTER

The Nutmeg News found out that when Ms Royale was approached she was originally going to turn down the job. "When I first saw that makeup I thought to myself of the five G's. GOOD GOD GET A GRIP GIRL. That is just some busted drag makeup right there. There's blending and shading, and then there is falling face down into a vat of foundation and concealer. But I figured that Kingston was a sexy cat that could use my help."

Orlando City released a notification saying that Kingston, with Ms. Royale's help, will attempt to blend the features of his costume into something not so horrifying by first kick.