Philadelphia Union Cap Space Reduced After Master Spreadsheet Is Finally Updated From Forgotten 2-12-19_Union_Cap_Mod3.xlsx Document

Philadelphia, PA - The Philadelphia Union cap space was reduced by $500,000 after an IT professional found out that the master spreadsheet hadn’t been updated correctly since financial analyst Kyle Schroeder created a separate spreadsheet called 2-12-19_Union_Cap_Mod3.xlsx on his old, recently replaced laptop.

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Sighing deeply and muttering, “Goddammit,” IT manager Dave Treadwell finally figured out why the current numbers didn’t match the expected budget as he connected the laptop to the network after reading back through his emails to confirm that he asked Mr. Schroeder multiple times if he copied everything off it to his new machine.

“You are lucky we didn’t erase this yet, because we were supposed to wipe everything off this and send the laptop out for recycling,” stated Treadwell to a clueless Schroeder who looked past him with the eyes of a man still fixated on his last Candy Crush level.

After comparing the expected budget charge to the master spreadsheet and realizing the numbers didn’t add up, the financial division of the Union reportedly reached out to the league office only find out they couldn’t help them because they didn’t have any record of what the contracts currently were with the Union. It was then that they reached out to Treadwell in order to see if he could resolve what was clearly an IT issue.

“This is just like when they magically lost the Freddy Adu contract,” stated Treadwell to The Nutmeg News. “You know they asked me to check the JAZZ drive? THE JAZZ DRIVE. God … I… look… I…um…” stated Treadwell as he broke down while holding his head in his hands. “This is why we should use SharePoint. For collaboration and versioning. This could all be avoided with a simple approval workflow and check in/check out enabled.“

According to the Union, everything is fine, now, after a small technical detail that caused a momentary disruption in their core processes. They blamed the issue on an IT issue that was resolved.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Treadwell looks at LinkedIN for 30 minutes while he tries to figure out how to use his 15 years of technical expertise to fill out a resume form on a job website.

Prideraiser To Offer Financing Terms For USWNT Fans

Prideraiser, the international coalition of independent soccer supporters that raise money for local LGBTQ+ charities every June, stated that in light of the recent 13 goal output by the United States Women’s National Team in the World Cup that they would offer generous financing terms for fans looking to fulfill their financial obligation.

Donate if you can:  www.prideraiser.org

Donate if you can: www.prideraiser.org

“We are going to offer a generous option of 5 and 10 year financing terms with zero money down and only 23% interest,” stated Prideraiser volunteer Kasia van Helm. “It’s important for us to acknowledge the severe financial hardship that will befall USWNT fans during this period of time.”

With many Prideraiser contributors already reporting worry at their financial future over the number of goals scored in the 1st game of the World Cup, many are looking at the fact that the tournament extends beyond June as their salvation.

“If I was having to cover the goals scored over the whole tournament I’d be fucked,” stated Elizabeth Barrett. “I’m still looking at a Prideraiser/Chase Line Of Credit in order to cover the next game against Chile.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Prideraiser bankrupts supporters across the United States for a good cause.


Players Transition From Amateur To Professional Exhibited By Changing Twitter Handle

Colorado Springs, CO - Colorado Switchbacks player Efren Cousino stated that you could really see his transition from an amateur to professional soccer player by the changing of his Twitter handle as the second year player traded in @ButtzButtzButtz24 for the more professional looking @EfrenCousino12

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“Yeah, it was time, man,” stated Cousino to The Nutmeg News on Thursday. “I had that account for the last two or three years, but man…yeah, I can’t keep that around anymore.”

Cousino indicated that his former account included such tweets as, “Drake is a no talent clown,” and, “Let that woman come to you k,” and, “BURGER KING, BRO,” and ,”CR7 clownin on fools,” most of which were erased before he was taken in the fourth round of the MLS draft in 2018.

“I guess I’m just a bit older and I don’t need that stuff coming back on me anymore,” stated Cousino as he surfed Instagram from a locked account. “I learned the hard way that everyone is going to be looking for something.”

For their part, Cousino’s fans indicate they miss his nuanced take on pizza toppings, late night comedy and the legacy of Lil Uzi Vert as they mourned the loss of @ButtzButtzButtz24

“It’s sad to watch the league force players to change their style,” stated former academy teammate Kyle Laughlin. “But I still get to talk to E regularly so I get my updates that way.”

Cousino indicated that he has no plans to bring back @ButtzButtzButtz24 but he stated that if you want to follow he has a curated and professionally run Facebook Athlete page where he is giving out training tips and early access to local soccer skills workshops.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as someone Cousino forgot was following him on his Instagram account screencaps pictures and comments from 4 years ago.


Colorado Rapids Fan Stems Open Cup Hangover By Cancelling Free Trial Of ESPN+

Pittsburgh, PA - Jeremy Valverde, a remote Rapids fan living in Pittsburgh, admitted that he stemmed the US Open Cup hangover that he had this morning by cancelling his free trial of ESPN + that he hoped would take him through the advancement of the Rapids in the tournament.

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“I created my account a few hours before the game started,” stated Valverde to The Nutmeg News. “I also set a reminder for six days from now to check on the status of the trial. So it was really, really great to have to go delete that shit first thing.”

Valverde compared the experience to ripping of the band aid as he complained about the extra beers that he drank last night for the Colorado Rapids and New Mexico United game that went to penalties.

“Look, one and done. I freaking hate penalty kicks. I freaking hate them. And my freaking head is screaming at me from breaking into my stash of Avery Beer. Goddammit. Anyway, at least I’m going to save $4.99 over the next month.”

With Valverde cancelling his subscription out of spite, he stated that he wouldn’t have any reason to watch any more US Open Cup games for the rest of the year as he exclaimed, “I don’t care, I just don’t care. Look I care too much and now I don’t care. YOU DONT HAVE TO UNDERSTAND IT. JEEZE. LET ME JUST WALLOW IN OUR CRAPULANCE.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Valverde tries and immediately fails to not log on to his Twitter account for the next few days in order to decompress.

US Open Cup Games Allow Fans Of MLS Teams To Be Nostalgic About Former Player They Didn't Know Was Playing For USL Side

Stating, “Oh, that’s what happened to Devon Sandoval,” Real Salt Lake fan Samantha Hughes admitted that she enjoyed catching up on the career of the former RSL player as she watched the match-up of the Colorado Rapids versus New Mexico United during the US Open Cup.

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“He played like three years for RSL and then he was loaned out and I kinda didn’t pay attention to what happened to him after that,” stated Hughes to The Nutmeg News. “It was kinda nice to watch him and Justin Schmidt running around on the field. I always wondered what happened to Schmidt too, because he just… you know… disappeared at one point. Or maybe I didn’t pay attention, anyway…. thanks boys for knocking out the Rapids!”

Timbers fan Ron Simpson stated the same thing as he exclaimed, “Wait, Taylor Peay plays for Louisville City,” as he scrolled through the streams on ESPN while waiting for the Timbers US Open Cup matchup against the Seattle Sounders. “I remember when I thought he had a chance at helping out the Timbers. Huh. I hadn’t thought about him in a few years.”

Dynamo fan Ashley Evans was equally surprised to find that Brian Ownby was playing for Louisville City. “I blocked out most of the 2014 season, but I remember Ownby playing for us around then. I guess I just didn’t really think about what happened to him after he left the team.”

With two USL teams advancing in the US Open Cup, more opportunities await for fans of MLS teams to discover that the player they thought had a chance at helping out their team is now starting for a team in the USL.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans fail to understand the insane journey a player must go on to try to make it in the sport in the United States and Canada.



USWNT Hot Takes Used To Power French City

Reims, FR - Scientists with the Syndicat des énergies renouvelables announced that they harnessed the power of the hot takes surrounding the USWNT 13-0 victory over Thailand to power the entire city of Reims.

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“We are proud to announce that due to the excess amount of hot air surrounding the game that we are now able to provide clean energy for the entire city and surrounding area,” stated Gaspard Therenve, director of SER. “Between the American reactions to the game alone we were able to store enough power to power our city for over 6 months.”

Scientists indicate that a long standing quest for renewable energy was celebrated at SER as they finally capitalized on all the experts, pundits and armchair quarterbacks who took to social media to proclaim their expertise.

“It is miraculous,” stated Mr. Therenve. “We could possibly harness enough anger over the USWNT to power the entire world if they played enough games against teams from South East Asia.”

Our reporters asked the US Department of Energy about this breakthrough and they stated that they were also working on a new form of Energy harnessed from a new mineral called coal that they would brand, “FREEDOM DUST.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the upcoming USWNT game against Chile is supposed to generate 1.21 jigawatts of energy.

Wage Slave Focuses Energy On Fighting The System In Team's Front Office

San Jose, CA - Earthquakes fan and persistent wage slave Derryk Franklin admitted that he is firmly against whatever is going on in the front office of the club as he finds something to rage against in order to exert some kind of control over his life that is spiraling out of control into debt, addiction and endless amounts of work.

Down with the corporate system except the one that is wringing me out until I’m an empty husk.

Down with the corporate system except the one that is wringing me out until I’m an empty husk.

"Its hard for me to make it to games now that I'm implicitly expected to work at least 16 hours on the weekends, but as a fan of the Earthquakes I expect the team to treat their players to a fair wage, a standard working schedule, and an aggressive attitude towards engaging the fans and the city,” stated Franklin to The Nutmeg News.

“I find that between my town hall meetings, my manager meetings, my personal scrum group meetings, my daily stand-up meetings, my one-on-one meetings, and my weekend on-call work that seems to be happening with frightening regularity that I’m expected to hold myself to a certain employable standard that will keep me at my work and not be laid off. So you can expect that I will rage against the status quo in the Earthquakes front office to show that somehow I haven’t slipped into an eternal hell space that will dominate my days until I burn out, drink to much and realize that I can’t actually afford to go to rehab.”

According to his soccer friends, Franklin is persistently talking about the Earthquakes front office inability to spend on players and advertising as he pours over the salary numbers of the team with a focused intensity that directly reflects his inability to speak to other team members at his work about their salaries.

“I don’t understand how the Quakes are paying Luis Felipe $71,625 per year for the amount of work and effort they expect out of him in a city where rent is stupidly expensive,” stated Franklin as he applied to drive for Uber and Lyft in order to keep his San Francisco adjacent one bedroom apartment. “It’s not possible to imagine that anyone could live with these conditions and I expect the front office to start paying these players what they are worth. Barely anyone can make it here, and I don’t understand how they think that players can find any free time to enjoy themselves or have any money left on the weekends. It’s just going to drive them completely crazy all the time when they think about it. They can’t even buy a house. Just imagine being a person who makes six figures, much less five figures, and getting to the next paycheck and realizing there’s nothing there because it was taking by your rent, car, student loans, medical expenses and utilities. We have to do something to help out all these players.”

According to his blog www.drowninginfireandburningindebt.blogspot.com, Franklin is attempting to organize an effort at protesting the front office of the Earthquakes until they become more aggressive in the local market as he also details his efforts at fighting back depression by microdosing LSD and finding the joy in a 72 hour work week.

“It’s important to stand up against bullies,” stated Franklin from his anonymous Online persona of David Anyman. “We must band together and end this wage slavery for the players and fight back against the hegemonic interests of Silicon Valley in our sport. I’ll update more after I finish my unscheduled shift in the data center this weekend.. Maybe voting in a new MLS President will change things for the better.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Derryk begins to project his marital issues onto the coaching staff saying that they never listen to him and that’s the cause of all their problems

League Celebrates 13 Years Of MLSPU Salary Numbers And 13 Years Of Owners Denying Them

The semi-annual release of the Major League Soccer Player Union salary numbers for each player in the league has now coincided with the desperate attempt by league ownership and investment groups to dispel the numbers and re-frame the information as wholly inaccurate for 13 years now. 

T.R.E.A.M. - Tam Rules Everything Around Me, Garber Dolla Bill YA'LL!

T.R.E.A.M. - Tam Rules Everything Around Me, Garber Dolla Bill YA'LL!

"We just want people to know, again, that despite our desire to not actually release any of the numbers themselves that the only numbers you see every year, twice a year since 2007 are completely false," said a collection of owners at a high top mountain chalet conference in Patagonia for Bentley Ownership in North America.

"Categorically we are here to tell you that the only data that you ever have had for salaries in our league is false. Also, we will not give you any of the correct data because fuck you. You, the fan, don't deserve to know anything about what we pay for anything. I mean we leak incorrect numbers in regards to compensation for transfer fees, acquisitions, stadium expansion, and franchise expansion all the time. This is nothing new. In summation, pay us our money and stop asking questions."

Journalists celebrated the 13 year milestone by saying, "oh great, not this time of year again" with some admitting that they just reflexively put "numbers aren't correct and just an idea of what is going on" so that they don't get yelled at by owner operators of the MLS franchises that they cover.

"It just isn't worth the time to argue about them anymore. I mean, they are likely very accurate, but the owners say they aren't and the fans are supposed to be completely stupid and in the dark about anything financial with this league, so really we, the journalists, don't have anything to go on." said Dave Tedway of the Chicago Trumpet.

The Nutmeg News talked to several players on the league minimum, to verify this side of the story.

"I don't know what they are on, the number is absolutely true. I mean, I'm not counting stealing breakfast from the training room and getting a per-diem when we visit Orlando City as a benefit to my salary" said one anonymous player of the Chicago Fire.

"Yes, compared to Carlos Vela, or your regular mid level accountant, I'm broke. But I guess at least I get all the free advocare that I can stomach. I mean $50,000 goes a long way in the New York/New Jersey metroplex" said Connor Brandt

While the players, fans and media are all tired of the constant stupidity that happens every year around this time, the owners remain steadfast in their ability to shrug off the criticism.

The Nutmeg News sent an request to the front office of Major League Soccer in regards to the published numbers and received the following response.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it happens for the next 13 years.




Atlanta United Insist That All Lives Matter At Their Unity Night

Atlanta, GA - Atlanta United today struck back against online critics of their Unity Night promotions on Twitter and Facebook as they insist that, “All Lives Matter at Unity Night.”

Hey, where did all the Unity jerseys go!

Hey, where did all the Unity jerseys go!

Atlanta United spokesman David Rawlins stated that the criticism was way off base as the Twitter account, Website and Facebook account of the team showed where they stood.

“Here we do things differently. Where other teams may celebrate their fanbase in ways that would… um… fracture the fanbase, here we try to unite the fanbase. That was the genesis of Unity Night. We are going to Unite the fanbase under Unity night showing that Atlanta United isn’t just for one loud group or another, but all groups. All lives matter during Unity Night”

Oh, there we go! Unity flag’s for everyone!

Oh, there we go! Unity flag’s for everyone!

Critics of the promotion indicate that it appears that Atlanta United is doing just about everything in their power to reference their promotional Pride merchandise as anything but Pride merchandise as on all their platforms, save for the Major League Soccer run webshop, the Pride merchandise is referred to as Unity merchandise.

“If we just reach out to people of a … hmm… different lifestyle that might anger some of our long term fans of a … um…. different lifestyle to the people of a different lifestyle and … um… certain sponsors,” stated one anonymous employee. “It’s important for us to come together, in these days, and have a Unity Night for everyone because WHO DOESN’T LOVE A RAINBOW PRi… ER… UNITY JERSEY PRICED FOR THE LOW LOW COST OF $59.99!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we receive our upgraded Chick-Fil-A sponsored seats and eat at the Chick-Fil-A restaurant on the Mercedes Benz stadium concourse.

Online Troll Farms Hiring As World Cup Begins

INTERNET - Online troll farms targeting fans who enjoy women’s sports announced that they were hiring as the World Cup begins June 7th.

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“We MUST tell these people how stupid women’s sports is," stated troll farm director Vladamir Stepnovich. “Everyone knows that Women shouldn’t play sports except for Foxy Boxing and jello wrestling.”

According to the advertisements, Troll Farms are looking for angry men between the age of 12 and 99 who hate women, want to make people feel awful and feel the need to anger as many people as possible by shitting on their interests. “Come join the troll army dedicated to making other people as miserable as you are in your day-to-day life,” stated one advertisement on a White Supremacist Facebook group.

For their part, fans of the World Cup and women’s sports say this is all part of the package.

“Every single time the world cup comes around there’s an increase in idiots online,” stated writer Kym Blanchard. “My World Cup experience wouldn’t be complete without men in my dms telling me that I’m worthless, asking for nudes, telling me to delete my account, telling me to kill myself and telling me that no one cares.”

The troll farms admit that it’s an easy recruitment process as they stated, “many men in the United States and abroad are very angry for no good reason. What better thing to do than to load them up with hatred towards women as a way to tell the world to fuck itself in some kind of nhilistic and impotent rage. We also do recruitment for people that want more of an alt-right presence online. Generally if someone is fine spending the good portion of their day telling people that women’s sports sucks, they are only one youtube video away from ranting online about Muslims invading their country.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as desperate and angry men continue to embarrass everyone, repeatedly.

Woman Left Behind In Seattle Still Planning On Following World Cup

Seattle, WA - Soccer fan Gloria Wright stated that she was still planning on following the upcoming World Cup despite being the only person among her friends who hasn’t ascended to France for the next month.

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“It’s fine. I’m fine. Yes, I’m still planning on watching the World Cup,” stated Ms Wright to The Nutmeg News. “My friends have gone to a better place. They believed. They prayed. They sacrificed. They were chosen for a low interest rate credit card offer. In France they will eat and drink and be merry. Everyone will be dressed in the finest of polyester robes and personalized kits. They who are alive will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet Janice at the top of the Eiffel Tower. I’m fine. Seriously.”

According to herself as she stated it 26 times during our interview, Ms Wright was, “totally fine, seriously. Not jealous at all,” as she cat sit for 3 different friends heading overseas.

“There will be 22 women on the pitch, 11 will be taken and 11 will be left. Praise be to Ertz and Sauerbrunn for they know not what they do, but they do what they do anyway. I’m really going to enjoy the watch party that I’m having with Commander Thundershits.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a penitent Wright prostrates herself before the website of CapitalOne before realizing… oh right…. she definitely couldn’t afford to go.

Man With Too Much Money Buys NPSL Team

Hoover, AL - Reclusive billionaire James Edward Stanfield announced that he was purchasing an NPSL team in an to utilize the net operating losses of Hoover Atletico United SC against his taxes in the future.

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“I need a guaranteed financial loss generator,” stated Stanfield to The Nutmeg News. “And nothing is more guaranteed to lose money than lower league American soccer.”

Stanfield reportedly engineered the purchase of Hoover Atletico United SC after sending over a pizza to the shared apartment of former owner Roger McGraw.

According to friends on site at the shared residence, McGraw did a jig and screamed, “Someone wants to buy this? SOLD. SOLD. SOLD. SOLD.”

Publicly, McGraw stated that he would miss the shared development and participation with the community that he treasured and fostered despite the insane debt that he ran up on a total of 3 credit cards and a personal business loan over the past 4 years.

“Thank you for everything, Hoover,” penned McGraw on his way to his new job as a programmer for Amazon.

For his part, Stanfield stated that he planned on heavily investing into the structure of the team as he stated that they would have a new and very costly rebrand of their uniform and badge.

“This process may take YEARS to develop, but I’m very confident that eventually I’ll be able to claim all these losses, soon,” stated Stanfield.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Stanfield forgets about this purchase until his accountant asks his assistant about it next year.

Tampa Man Thanks Liverpool FC For Last 2 Years As European Champion Fan Moves Support To Chelsea

Tampa, FL - Tampa man Howard Norman thanked Liverpool FC and their fans for the last two years as the European Champion fan announced his permanent transfer to Chelsea FC in order to follow the career of Christian Pulisic.

“These last few years with Liverpool have been fantastic,” stated Norman in his letter to the fans on his Twitter account. “However, it is time for me to make a move that I feel will be better for my fan career.”

In an interview with himself via a bunch of questions and answers posted to his Facebook page, Norman indicated that he felt like his time with Liverpool was at an end as the team won the Champions League this season.

“It’s been a tough but successful last two years,” stated Norman. “I feel that with the Champions League victory that now is the time for me to really explore my love for Christian Pulisic and all things Pulisic as a blue for 2019/2020. It’s going to be hard to say goodbye to Liverpool so I plan on giving away all of my fan gear on my e-bay page at 5% off if you purchase two items.”

For their part, the Liverpool fans world wide are handling the departure of Norman with great aplomb as they repeatedly asked, “who,” when we interviewed them for this article.

“I’m proud to be a blue this year and I’m proud to be on the Chelsea bandwagon! Up the mighty fightin Pulisics!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Norman is instantaneously an expert on the transfer restrictions that Chelsea has in place.

Team Loses Despite Supporters Best Attempt At Singing All Game

Portland, OR - Despite Timbers supporter Bethany Sharp’s best attempt at singing all game,, the Portland Timbers still lost on Saturday to Los Angeles Football Club (LAFC) 3-2.

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“I thought that I would have more of an impact on the game,” stated a vocally hoarse Sharp to The Nutmeg News. “Hell, I thought that WE would have more of an impact on the game.”

Sharp stated that she watched as the Timbers gave up two goals in the first half of the game despite her shredding her vocal chords after a season of inactivity.

“I encouraged everyone around me to sing,” stated Sharp. “I spent almost the whole match singing. I waved a flag. I’m not certain there is anything more that I could do. I spent most of the game trying to figure out what else I could do, and I don’t think there’s anything else.”

For comparisons sake, TNN reporters spoke to LAFC fan Sandra Flores who stated that she was ecstatic that her singing all game brought LAFC to victory as she exclaimed, “There was a moment where I was worried, but they clearly heard us and me specifically on the field. If it wasn’t for us, the team would’ve lost..”

For her part, Sharp stated that she would just try to be more vigorous in her flag waving and singing during the next game.

“Clearly we just need to go 1% more in order to get a victory. I might even sacrifice an animal like they used to do in the Old Testament.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Sharp places a craigslist ad for a live goat and Flores celebrates the victory by proclaiming on Twitter that, “WE WON IN PORTLAND. AND SHOWED THEM WHAT’S UP”.

Unable To Win CONCACAF Champions League, MLS Teams Look To Leagues Cup

Unable to win the CONCACAF Champions League, many Major League Soccer (MLS) teams admit they are looking to the newly formed Leagues Cup as a bid towards international relevancy.

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“Winning the Leagues Cup will really ensure that people know that our best teams can take on individually selected teams from Mexico playing away from home with a weakened roster in a single elimination knock out round competition,” stated one MLS executive.

“Just imagine if Cruz Azul had to play in front of 20,000 people at 4,500 feet of elevation,” stated on Real Salt Lake insider. “They are lucky they were drawn on the other side of the bracket. Teams like Cruz Azul and Tigres are just going to be out of their comfort zone playing in these types of environments.

Nutmeg News reporters spoke to MLS Commissioner Don Garber who stated, “This eventual Leagues Cup victory will show the world that teams from the United States can stand shoulder to shoulder with the giants of the game like Barcelona or Real Madrid or Tigres. This victory will really show which league is the Champion of the CONCACAF region without being the CONCACAF Champion because we know that tournament is rigged. We expect that the Leagues Cup will become the Leagues Cup Of Choice in just a matter of six months and with the eventual victory we will see an uptick of interest in the league in the United States and that other country that has teams in this league.”

Sources with the Independent Supporters Council (ISC) indicated their level of excitement with the upcoming tournament when asked about the newly created tournament.

“We’ve been asking for clarity with the fan conduct rules, advocating for a fair treatment for away and home supporters, trying to fight against the incursion of hate groups into the league, lobbying for increased transparency as it relates to the league structure and rules, and looking into the escalating price for supporters at games so we are entirely THRILLED to have another redundant, expensive mid-season tournament created from thin air that will require the participation of the paper thin squads in Major League Soccer.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the final features two Mexican teams.

Soccer Fan With Collection Of Supporters Group Stickers Still Waiting For Perfect Place To Use Them

LOS ANGELES - Galaxy fan and Angel City Brigade member Javier Gutierrez admitted that despite his extensive collection of supporters group stickers that he is still waiting for the perfect place to use them as his collection grows with each passing week.

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“I’ve been getting stickers for five or six years,” stated Gutierrez to The Nutmeg News. “I haven’t found the right place to use them, yet. Every spot looks great, but then… if I think about it… I’m not sure I want to use a sticker there.”

Gutierrez indicated that he thought about using some on his car, but he wanted to avoid getting it vandalized by opposition fans. He then indicated he thought about putting them on his computer, but no one would ever see that and it does get dirty there on the floor.

“I thought about putting some on my girlfriends car, but she doesn’t really care about ACB. I thought I’d use them when I traveled for a game, but I just can’t afford to go anywhere right now. I thought about putting some on my thermos, but I don’t know…. I just didn’t want to cover it up.”

Gutierrez stated that since he hasn’t used any of the stickers he’s received recently that his collection has started to pile up.

“Yeah, I got a whole drawer full, now. It’s crazy. Nearly every time someone is handing one to me or I’m buying one, or I just come home with some stickers. One of these days I’m going to find something that deserves to be tagged with all these stickers. My big problem is some of the stickers I thought were slick a few years ago are now something I wouldn’t put anywhere so I have these stickers that I used to like that I don’t like, but that I don’t want to use because I can’t get them again.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Gutierrez places one sticker on a notebook he has and feels immediately regretful about using that one there.


"Only A Billionaire I Know Nothing About Can Fix The Problems With Our Team This Other Billionaire Created," States Soccer Fan

LOS ANGELES - Newcastle United fan Sam Dewalt stated that he was simply fed up with the ownership of Mike Ashley as he exclaimed, “Only a billionaire I know nothing about can fix the problems with our team this other billionaire created.”

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Dewalt, like most Americans, glorifies the acquisition of money over any other valuable in life as he stated, “You don’t end up being a billionaire without being smart and a good businessman, except for Mike Ashley.”

According to fellow Newcastle fans, Dewalt spent most of his week looking up other worldwide billionaires that expressed interest in English soccer teams as he attempted to ferret out who could fix the problems with the team that Ashely created.

“All it will take is someone with vast sums of money to purchase the team and for the new ownership to completely wipe out the debt and buy a boatload of great players” stated Dewalt. “We just need to find a really cash flush billionaire who can fix all our problems with one fell swoop.”

According to his Facebook page, Dewalt spent the last two months deriding Manchester City for purchasing the title while also advocating for the removal of Ashley and the appointment of literally anyone with any vast sum of money that would be interested in “Making Newcastle Great Again.”

“I said it once before during the 2016 elections and I’ll say it now. You can really trust a businessman who successfully runs a business and makes billions of dollars to altruistically look out for everyone else. All I’m asking is for some trickle down economics to pull Newcastle United up by their bootstraps.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Dewalt continues to be an idiot.

Chicago Fire Desperately Exploring Every Possible Relaunch Situation Other Than Having An Ownership Group That Knows What It Is Doing

CHICAGO - The Chicago Fire stated to reporters recently that they were exploring every possible relaunch situation with their franchise other than having an ownership group that knows what they are doing as they pushed forward to paying more money in relocation fees than most MLS teams will spend on a roster over 5 years.

“It’s gotta be the name and the stadium, not  the fact that the General Manager and the Owner of the team seem to regard the fans as a nuisance.”

“It’s gotta be the name and the stadium, not the fact that the General Manager and the Owner of the team seem to regard the fans as a nuisance.”

“Yeah, we are looking at a rename, a new mascot, new kits, new badge, new fans, new location, new … well… everything except for the ownership group that helped get us here in the first place,” stated one anonymous Fire employee. “Precourt….. er… sorry…. Hauptman really is all in on holding on with this strangulation death grip until this team hemorrhages money in every direction as they thrash about trying to recapture what they had in 1998.”

According to league representatives, every possible situation is on the table with the Fire except for Hauptman actually not being owner anymore as they try to figure out why the fans seem to not care.

“It’s got to be the stadium,” stated one league insider. “Not the fact that the ownership actually antagonized the fanbase repeatedly and had them removed from the stadium while insulting their intelligence and passion as fans until they didn’t show up. It HAS to be the stadium, or maybe the name. Maybe if we rename the team Chicago United SC everyone will forget that the current ownership has put one of the worst teams in the league on the field repeatedly over the last few years and figuratively spit in the face of many of the long time fans of the team until they felt like they couldn’t , in good conscience, attend games that they had already paid to attend.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the new Chicago United FCSC Wanderers Rovers Atletico tells their fans to go screw themselves, but… you know… NICER this time.

Worldwide Scholars Announce That Literally Everything About Soccer Fans In The United States Is The Worst

Scholars from across the world announced today that literally everything about soccer fans in the United States is the worst as they released the results of a 10 year study.

Here a scientist tests whether organized groups of fans in the United States can even call themselves supporters.

Here a scientist tests whether organized groups of fans in the United States can even call themselves supporters.

“We spent 10 years looking at the traditions, habits, songs, chants, associations, coaches, players, kits, stadiums, T.I.F.O, choreography, supporters groups and teams in the United States,” stated German researcher Klaus Schmidt. “What we were able to determine unequivocally is that literally everything about soccer fans in the United States is the worst, regardless of which team they support (internationally or locally) or how a fan chooses to participate.”

The data from the team at the International Football Research Society (IFRS) in Zurich showed that even if you remove the judgment of rivals, haters and trolls, that the base American soccer fan is filled with 200% more cringe inducing moments than even the worst soccer fan in Europe.

“We were able to find hard data about the various songs your so-called supporters sing and they are all rated as the worst thing any fan in England, Germany, Spain, Italy, France, or the Netherlands has ever heard” stated Mr. Schmidt. “By every single European, English, or Balkan metric, no fan in the United States should ever sing, much less attend or care, about soccer. Literally everything Americans do around the game is 100% full of what you call cringe.”

Schmidt indicated that the research didn’t differ on whether fans were supportive of Major League Soccer or an overseas league.

“We thought there would be a different variable based upon the kind of fan that supports a franchise in Major League Soccer versus a fan that supports a team in La Liga,” stated Schmidt. “Instead, what we found is that while we acknowledge the utter terrible nature of the league, there is absolutely no difference in our metrics. The amount of sanctimonious bullshit expelled by fans of European or far-flung leagues weighs statistically as much as the amount of sanctimonious bullshit expelled by fans of their local franchise. As the numbers prove, there literally is no way for an American to support any team in the United States or abroad correctly.”

For his part, Schmidt stated that he feels for soccer fans in the United States, but indicates that if you are a soccer fan there, you need to acknowledge that the whole country is built around Cultural Assimilation and Appropriation of other peoples work into a new-money, cringe inducing display of faux-bravado.

The Nutmeg News will have more as soccer fans in the United States label the entire report as, “TOTAL BOLLOCKS, MATE.”