Scholars from across the world announced today that literally everything about soccer fans in the United States is the worst as they released the results of a 10 year study.
“We spent 10 years looking at the traditions, habits, songs, chants, associations, coaches, players, kits, stadiums, T.I.F.O, choreography, supporters groups and teams in the United States,” stated German researcher Klaus Schmidt. “What we were able to determine unequivocally is that literally everything about soccer fans in the United States is the worst, regardless of which team they support (internationally or locally) or how a fan chooses to participate.”
The data from the team at the International Football Research Society (IFRS) in Zurich showed that even if you remove the judgment of rivals, haters and trolls, that the base American soccer fan is filled with 200% more cringe inducing moments than even the worst soccer fan in Europe.
“We were able to find hard data about the various songs your so-called supporters sing and they are all rated as the worst thing any fan in England, Germany, Spain, Italy, France, or the Netherlands has ever heard” stated Mr. Schmidt. “By every single European, English, or Balkan metric, no fan in the United States should ever sing, much less attend or care, about soccer. Literally everything Americans do around the game is 100% full of what you call cringe.”
Schmidt indicated that the research didn’t differ on whether fans were supportive of Major League Soccer or an overseas league.
“We thought there would be a different variable based upon the kind of fan that supports a franchise in Major League Soccer versus a fan that supports a team in La Liga,” stated Schmidt. “Instead, what we found is that while we acknowledge the utter terrible nature of the league, there is absolutely no difference in our metrics. The amount of sanctimonious bullshit expelled by fans of European or far-flung leagues weighs statistically as much as the amount of sanctimonious bullshit expelled by fans of their local franchise. As the numbers prove, there literally is no way for an American to support any team in the United States or abroad correctly.”
For his part, Schmidt stated that he feels for soccer fans in the United States, but indicates that if you are a soccer fan there, you need to acknowledge that the whole country is built around Cultural Assimilation and Appropriation of other peoples work into a new-money, cringe inducing display of faux-bravado.
The Nutmeg News will have more as soccer fans in the United States label the entire report as, “TOTAL BOLLOCKS, MATE.”