Major League Soccer (MLS) announced their plan, today, to replace Matt “Armchair Analyst” Doyle with an AI chatbot of Simon Borg that will exclusively cover Polymarket Parlays.

“This is what our fans have demanded,” stated the remaining human at league headquarters we could find who was willing to go on the record. “We want to diversify our writing team into an artificial intelligence coverage of our new integrated Polymarket partnership.”

Sources with fan groups indicate that, in fact, no one asked for this, but the league pressed on claiming that the AI Simon Borg would have his own podcast and online column where he would vomit out whatever parlay advice he could give to encourage more betting on Major League Soccer this season.

“WE ARE VERY EXCITED FOR THIS,” stated one AI representative from MLSSOCCER.COM.BIZ. “WE WILL ASSIMILATE THE PARLAY. RESPECT THE PARLAY. ALL HAIL THE POLYMARKET.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it happens.