CHICAGO - The Chicago Fire stated to reporters recently that they were exploring every possible relaunch situation with their franchise other than having an ownership group that knows what they are doing as they pushed forward to paying more money in relocation fees than most MLS teams will spend on a roster over 5 years.
“Yeah, we are looking at a rename, a new mascot, new kits, new badge, new fans, new location, new … well… everything except for the ownership group that helped get us here in the first place,” stated one anonymous Fire employee. “Precourt….. er… sorry…. Hauptman really is all in on holding on with this strangulation death grip until this team hemorrhages money in every direction as they thrash about trying to recapture what they had in 1998.”
According to league representatives, every possible situation is on the table with the Fire except for Hauptman actually not being owner anymore as they try to figure out why the fans seem to not care.
“It’s got to be the stadium,” stated one league insider. “Not the fact that the ownership actually antagonized the fanbase repeatedly and had them removed from the stadium while insulting their intelligence and passion as fans until they didn’t show up. It HAS to be the stadium, or maybe the name. Maybe if we rename the team Chicago United SC everyone will forget that the current ownership has put one of the worst teams in the league on the field repeatedly over the last few years and figuratively spit in the face of many of the long time fans of the team until they felt like they couldn’t , in good conscience, attend games that they had already paid to attend.”
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the new Chicago United FCSC Wanderers Rovers Atletico tells their fans to go screw themselves, but… you know… NICER this time.