"Scarves Will Be Currency During The Coming Global Thermonuclear War"

The Nutmeg News accepts letters to the editor, and will publish them when deemed appropriate. You may send correspondence, rebuttals or opinions to mail@thenutmegnews.com

The information within does not necessarily reflect the viewpoint of The Nutmeg News or its affiliates.

Today's letter comes from Darrell McClintock of Harrisburg, PA.

"Friends and Fellow Nutters,

I write to you today from my nuclear fallout shelter that was just completed in the ground below my 18th Century house in Harrisburg to talk to you about the end times and how we will cope, financially.

That's right, I'm encouraging you to buy scarves! 

What?

Yes! At the end time, scarves will be THE preeminent currency during the coming global thermonuclear war.

Look at these smart financial investers.

PHOTO CREDIT: Vogue

In 2017 alone, famous clubs like Arsenal and Real Madrid have produced limited numbers of scarves that bet on hedge fund investing from football fans who are offering the financial infrastructure to support scarves and other tactile currency.

Gold is DEAD! Silver is DEAD! Scarves are the new currency! People thought it would be sneakers, but it will not be sneakers. The new currency for the decimated New Holy Christian Empire of the United States will be football scarves.

Yes, friends, as we sup upon the innards of the rotting, radiation sick animals in the fields of Danbury whilst looking over our shoulders for the ghouls incarnate who want to tear us limb from limb, we can wear our Atalanta scarf knowing that we can pay for some treated water that won't make us radiation sick.

Imagine understanding that you don't need to filter your pee and drink it, anymore, because you have a 1980's Millwall scarf that will provide for your family! No more pee drinking for THIS smart investor.

Oh for the coming times to arrive! Oh the Joy! Oh the passion! Oh the possibility of finding a can of beans!

Friends, I recommend that you diversify your portfolio into harder to obtain Eastern European scarves as the glut in the market in the Pacific Northwest will render MLS scarves into the Uzbekistani Som. You must trade in rare scarf fortunes before the market is flooded with pale imitations!

Yes, buy scarves and invest as the bubble continues to grow on bitcoin. When the EMP hits and the world shudders as 90% of human civilization and technology is destroyed, no one will have bitcoin, but you will still have your scarf collection and with that you will have class mobility. 

Onward and Upward, Friends! Invest in scarves! Save the commonwealth!"

Optimistic Toronto Ultra Considers Waxing Chest For MLS Cup

TORONTO - Aware of the fact that national television in both Canada and the United States would be broadcasting MLS Cup, optimistic Toronto Football Club ultra Aiden "scout" Pfeffer stated that he was considering waxing his chest for his typical shirtless goal celebration.

 USA Today Sports Images

"My nipples are resplendent and deserve to be seen away from my verdant and vibrant thatch of chest hair," stated Pfeffer to The Nutmeg News. 

"It's going to be freezing and I know that some people consider it bad luck, but I'm thinking of going for a good clean wax for this upcoming game so when Giovinco scores in the 64th minute I can just rip off my shirt without worrying about my current manscaping."

Pfeffer and his friends have long made it a tradition to rip their shirts off in celebration, defiance and drunkeness for TFC and this game is no different, despite the cold.

"If anything, the cold will really enhance the vibrancy of my nipples," stated Pfeffer. "We plan on getting shirtless early and often if the team provides it. This shirtless Canadian man isn't afraid of some cold weather."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Pfeffer begins a debate about the natural fur movement and whether he should mousse his chest hair in stead.

US Soccer Fan Ready To Be Against Whoever Wins The USSF Presidency

BOSTON - US Soccer Fan Jerrod Van Hatten stated that he was ready to be against whoever wins the USSF Presidency as the simple fact that they COULD win indicates that they are part of the global conspiracy to keep soccer down in the United States.

"They all have problems," stated Mr. Van Hatten to The Nutmeg News. "I don't like any of them and no matter who wins, we are likely all going to lose."

With his naievete destroyed after finding out that the Iron Chef secret ingredient is actually not a secret to the chefs involved, Van Hatten lost all ability to argue positively for politics at any level.

"I've positioned myself to be against everything US Soccer because all I have is disgust, these days. I'm pretty certain that no matter what happens we are all going to lose, so bring on the candidates still affiliated with SUM who want to keep the status quo going. Let's ride that train to hell."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Van Hatten tries to nickname each of the USSF Presidential candidates before realizing he really doesn't care about all 8 enough to come up with ones beyond The Deep State, Big Hair and the Egomaniac.

Lack Of Supporters Group Recognition Upsets Supporter Who Doesn't Take Any Credit For His Work

Seattle, WA - Despite ensuring that he takes absolutely zero credit for any of the banners, two-poles, T.I.F.O, and merchandise that he creates, Sounders fan Zach Quisenberry was reportedly very upset that no one knows what he does in the Emerald City Supporters (ECS).

PHOTO: @ECSTifo

Friends state that Quisenberry overheard a conversation between two fans at the recent Sounders v Houston playoff game regarding their disappointment in the available merchandise this year for the ECS.

"I don't want any of the glory for what I do, but you should know that I'm singularly responsible for what you enjoy on matchday and the t-shirts that you are currently wearing were designed by me and my friends," stated Quisenberry to a group of new Sounders fans. "You need to understand the history of this supporters group to understand what the older fans had to go through in order to create the atmosphere that you so casually enjoy without a lick of effort."

According to surrounding fans, Quisenberry was asked, "Who are you?" and, "What are you talking about?"

The long time Sounders fan stated, "You should know," before storming off without giving an explanation.

The Nutmeg News caught up with Quisenberry today to ask him about the scenario and he stated, "I don't want any credit for what I do. I'm not in this for the fame and recognition. It seems like the new fans don't understand what we had to go through to get where we are today. They don't know our legacy. It's not our responsibility to explain that, though. They should just learn, somehow."

When asked whether he would explain to new supporters what he and his friends did for the ECS or what new fans should know about the people that contributed to the supporters group, Quisenberry stated, "Good fans don't take credit for things in the supporters group and we don't document what we do with journos." Quisenberry then stormed out of our interview and logged onto twitter to complain about the interview that he scheduled with our journalist.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Quisenberry is still very upset about the lack of recognition for his work

Toronto Staff Start Defrosting Frozen Reporter From 2016 MLS Cup

TORONTO - Staff from Toronto Football Club (TFC) began defrosting on-field soccer reporter Carla Overbeek who remained in a state of suspended animation within a 2 foot ice block after 2016 MLS Cup.

"So......... who scored?"

"We thought that since it was going to be Toronto v Seattle again that this would be the perfect time to wake her up," stated groundskeeper Tommy Maclavay. "The ice has slowly been melting over the last year, but when she comes out of it we are just going to slowly acclimate her to the fact that it is 2017."

Overbeek was frozen in a solid block of ice while attempting to obtain Greg Vanney's opinion on the first half of the 2016 MLS Cup game. Friends and family expressed concern about her condition but admitted they didn't know a better way to defrost Overbeek than to just let it happen. Officials with BMO Field stated that they finally put a heater on the reporter in order to get her out before another cold snap hits.

"We are almost there," stated wife Susan Overbeek. "Only one more week and she'll be ready to get back at it. Hopefully we can get her free before she gets trapped in another glacier like condition."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Overbeek finds out that she didn't miss much from the first game.

Desperate Fan Turns To NCAA Soccer To Stave Off Tremors

Fort Wayne, IN - Desperate soccer fan Ed Tyler sunk to a new low, Friday, as he planned to turn to NCAA Soccer in order to stave off the the Tremors that started happening after the soccer flushed out of his system Friday morning.

"I just need a taste, a fix... something to get me to the weekend when NBC shows up with some clean and uncut Premier League," stated Tyler to The Nutmeg News as he demanded more blankets from his recalcitrant cat Cristiano. "I'll just crush up some NCAA soccer and free base that tonight alongside some pizza rolls. I'll be fine."

According to friends, Mr Tyler increased his soccer usage over the last six months until he was using once per day. Over the past few weeks he started using twice or even three times a day as he went from MLS games to second division Argentinian league games streamed over Youtube live.

"He hasn't been the same since he discovered he could just get soccer all the time online," stated former friend Thomas Zubaj. "I had to kick him out of the house. He kept on stealing the laptop and would go off to a room or a closet to use soccer. It was getting so bad that he was even using at work."

For his part, Mr. Tyler stated that he sees no problem with using NCAA soccer to get to the weekend as he states, "I don't have a problem. I don't see why more people aren't concerned with Indiana v Michigan State. I tried to use synthetics to get off soccer, but it wouldn't take. I just don't get the warmth from FIFA 2018 that I get when I can ingest a Bolivian soccer match in 240p."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as friends discover Tyler passed out in his own bed after a 24 hour binge of soccer.

US Fan Unable To Pledge Support To World Cup Team Until 23 And Me Kit Arrives

BOSTON - Every-four-year soccer supporter Dale Smith stated that he was unable to pledge his undying patriotic love to any current world cup team until his 23 And Me kit arrives that he ordered on Cyber Monday.

Am I a Denmark fan? German? This box will tell me everything!

"My mom told me that her side of the family is Scandinavian, so I might be rooting for Iceland or Sweden," stated Smith to The Nutmeg News. "However, on my dad's side of the family it is all a mess. English immigrants who had branches of the family from France and I have one great, great, great Grandmother who is Russian, supposedly."

Smith is a steadfast watcher of the important games for the United States Men's Team and was forced to find a new team when the United States bombed out of the qualification for the World Cup.

"Fortunately, like nearly every single person in the United States, I'm a composite of immigrants from other countries. That way I can root for nearly any country in the world and use the 23 And Me results to confirm that this is ok."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as his DNA testing kit shows that Smith is 16% African.

Columbus, Ohio Officially Out Of This Round Of Major League Soccer Expansion

It was announced, today, that Columbus, Ohio will not get a Major League Soccer expansion team at this time.

Custom built stadium for soccer in Columbus.

Four cities — Cincinnati, Detroit, Nashville and Sacramento — are finalists for the next two expansion teams, the league announced Wednesday.

The four teams will present expansion and stadium plans on Dec. 6. The MLS Board of Governors will meet on Dec. 14 in New York City to discuss expansion teams with ownership representatives from existing clubs.

Columbus, Ohio mayor Andrew Ginther has been pushing to bring MLS to Columbus with a stadium plan in place at the Ohio Expo Center and State Fairgrounds called MAPFRE Stadium. Its expanded capacity, about 21,289, is less than other MLS clubs. 

“On behalf of the Columbus organization, I am very proud of what we have accomplished on and off the pitch. We had an increase in attendance in 2013, 2014, and 2016 for our local soccer team which was more than some teams already in Major League Soccer," Ginther said. "I continue to have a vested interest in refining our stadium plan and other elements of our bid to make it as strong and competitive as possible, and remain in communication with Commissioner Garber and MLS. I firmly believe that this MLS expansion will come to pass. We do not believe that having two teams in Ohio is mutually exclusive and see our potential rivalry with Cincinnati as something that would be great for the growth of the sport.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Columbus, Ohio revises their expansion bid.

Robert Kraft States That He's, "Optimistic About A Revolution Stadium," For Record 26th Year

Boston, MA - Robert Kraft, owner of the New England Revolution, stated that he is, "Optimistic about a Revolution stadium," for a record 26th year as the quest to continue stringing along the fans of the local soccer team continued unabated.

THIS time it's true! I GUARANTEE it.

"I'm absolutely optimistic about a Revolution stadium," stated Kraft as he continued to ensure that the team has zero advertising and operating budget. "I looked at some dirt, recently. I liked that dirt. It reminded me that I should be optimistic about a stadium."

Reportedly, Kraft became optimistic about a New England Revolution stadium when he was working on some business for his one true love, the New England Patriots, and realized that he hadn't made a statement in some months about a stadium project that seems unlikely to ever manifest.

"It's been some time since I hinted at something that hasn't happened, and I needed to set the record for the 26th year in a row."

Research shows that Kraft has been optimistic about a Revolution stadium since the team was founded back in 1994 and that his ability to promise and not deliver is somehow reflective of the way in which he runs the Revolution as some kind of absentee father who realizes that his child has good grades and promises to spend more time with them before heading down to the bar to drink with the Patriots fans.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Kraft remembers to be optimistic about a Revolution stadium in 2021, 2022, 2023, and 2024, as well.

FourFourTwo USA Reassures Fans That Listicles Will Only Last A Short While Until They Pivot To Video Hot Takes

Online soccer publication FourFourTwo USA, today, reassured fans that their pivot away from in-depth written content towards listicles will only last a short while until they pivot to cat memes, video hot takes and personality driven 90 second take downs of global soccer events.

BEHOLD THE LISTICLE!

"THE WRITTEN WORD IS DEAD," claimed FourFourTwo editor in chief Richard Withers. "It's time for us to transition to irreverent cat memes and poorly constructed video where talking heads yell at each other about some stupid bullshit. That's what the kids want these days."

A number of fans of the online magazine were reportedly disturbed by these claims as they vociferously decried barrel scraping listicles about the "Top 20 most interesting East German defenders you never saw because you were born in the 90s" and 3 minute videos recapping absolutely nothing.

"I want content and the ability to read well researched pieces about the game," stated soccer fan Heather Wilson. "I don't need idiots yelling at each other and a website ranking the biggest idiots in soccer. If I wanted that I'd just listen to my idiot cousin Jeff."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as FourFourTwo fires more journalists to make from for the Jeff Wilson 5 Minute Hot Take video series.

"Please Apply For The Team You Already Have," States Major League Soccer To Columbus

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer, today, told the city of Columbus that they would need to apply, financially, for the soccer team they already have as the league attempts to figure out more way to extort money from a city that isn't budging.

MORE BIDS! MOOOORE BIDS!

"We want more expansion fees and we got screwed on this whole Austin thing," stated Mark Abbbot, president of Major League Soccer. "So we are going to need Columbus to reapply for the team they already have when we rip it away from them in a year."

Sources within the league state that there is absolutely zero chance that Columbus would actually get a second soccer team, but that the league sees this as a way to try to get some good publicity back on their side and make some money while doing it.

"There's no way Don is going to let Columbus back in the league when he has the option of picking between them and Miami," stated one anonymous MLS staffer. "But the optics on this are really great."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it is revealed that the bid process is a sealed envelope with cash delivered directly to the suit pocket of the members of the MLS Governing Board.

The Nutmeg News Presents: 2017’s Best Cities For Soccer Fans

Around the latter half of 2017, Americans and Canadians realized that they like soccer in some capacity. However, they also realized that they, more than anything, like to remain cool. How then, to combine the both and which location is the best for doing so?

In this piece we detail the best cities for soccer fans in North America.

All ideas available from http://warisanlighting.com/soccer-ceiling-fan.html

#10 - Gainsville, FL

During the month of June, the daily high is around 89°F in Gainsville. Imagine what a soccer fan could do for your air quality at this time.

#9 - Atlanta, GA

This is a great location for a soccer fan. Almost everyone is running air conditioning, but imagine having a soccer fan gently buffeting that cool air around you as you relax and wait for the Premier League to kick off.

#8 - Dallas, TX

Again with the air conditioning, but there are some locations in the older parts of University Park that needed a window unit. This would be a great location for a soccer fan

#7 - Nashville, TN

Soccer fans unite! Because that larger apartment needs some air circulation and you are staying in this summer to eat some ribs before you head out to the Bluebird for writers night.

This is more the classy fan option with a reduced blade presence.

#6 - San Jose, CA

A surprise entry on this list, but there's a few high vaulted ceilings that make this location one of the best cities for a soccer fan. Having one at this location will really keep your summers cool.

#5 - Houston, TX

That Houston made this list isn't surprising, but that Dynamo fan Darla Hendricks apartment could use a soccer fan is surprising. She recently realized that it would class up her second bedroom.

#4 - Montgomery, AL

Even in a football stronghold state, Montgomery shows up as an outlier location that would be perfect for a soccer fan. The humidity, heat, and inclination to stay inside makes this a fantastic place for a soccer fan and propels "The Gump" up to #4 on our 2017's Best Cities For Soccer Fans

#3 - Providence, RI

The only location in the north east that qualifies for The Nutmeg News best cities for soccer fans makes the list because of a request sent from Providence mayor Jorge Elorza to make the list. Congratulations Jorge, and congratulations Providence!

#2 - Phoenix, AZ

There's hot and then there is Phoenix hot. Literally anything that gets air moving around you and possibly cools you down is good in Phoenix. That makes the Arizona city beat out the competition to land the #2 best location for soccer fans.

#1 - Guadalajara, MX

Best city for soccer fans. Enough Said. The United States and Canada won't be true soccer nations until they are able to seize the crown, but right now the available heat, climate and passion that the locals have for soccer fans has Guadalajara seize the crown.

Death Of Five Professional Teams A New Modern Day November Record

UPDATED - 11-30-2017

Analysts say that the death of five professional teams during the month of November is a new modern day record as the health of the game in North America was announced to be at an, "All time high," by the US and Canadian Soccer Federations.

HALLELUJAH! 

FC Kansas City in the National Women's Soccer League, FC Edmonton and the San Francisco Deltas in the NASL, Whitecaps 2 and the Rochester Rhinos in the USL all folded during the month showing how Canada and the United States are the leading soccer countries in the world.

"I never believed that we could make it to the point where five teams failed during one month," stated the President of the US Soccer Federation, Sunil Gulati. "All I know is that it shows the health of this nation that we can have four teams fail and just keep chugging along like everything is just fine."

Reportedly, US Soccer was disappointed that the Crew weren't killed, as well, during the month of November as the death of five teams during the month would really show the standings of US Soccer on the world level.

"We had high hopes for the Crew, but we are going to be a bit delayed on that," stated Steve Reed, president of the Canadian Soccer Association. "We did get close to five when Dayton Dynamo suspended their 2018 season, but it looks like they are going to be playing in 2019. We also may get Rochester by the end of the month.  So, theoretically we are still in play for five. We have a $1 bet on the over/under of the situation."

UPDATE - The Rhinos, today, announced that they would be going on hiatus for the 2018 season. We are going ahead with counting them because we are petty, horrible people.

We reached out to the commissioner of the National Women's Soccer League and received no response.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when the death of the NASL, as a whole, happens.

Podcast Host Maintains That The Best Soccer Content Comes In The Fourth Hour Of Six Hour Show

Houston, TX - Dynamo podcast host Jeremy Munoz continued to state that the best content on his 14 man call-in podcast on the Houston Dynamo comes in the fourth hour of the irreverent show that blends an attempt at humor with endless conversations about the minutia of his soccer club.

"ANYONE REMEMBER COMPACT DISCS?"

"Trust me when I say that you really need to make it to the fourth hour to get our podcast," stated Munoz to The Nutmeg News. "All the content from the fourth hour on is really just amazing, thought provoking, and educational. You really need to give it a go."

Friends of Munoz say that their ability to listen to a six hour podcast is impossible, despite giving frequent assurance to Munoz that they are listening.

"Yeah, I try to listen to about 30 minutes in order to get some of the inside jokes so I can reference them, but I have shit to do. I'm not listening to a 6 hour soccer podcast," stated friend Dave Van Hatten. 

Munoz, none the less, continued to press friends into the idea that they needed to listen to the first 3 hours in order to "get" the fourth hour on of "Dynamo Dealings FM."

"The last episode we got into a long form discussion of the first three hours of the show in the fourth hour of the show and then we talked about the fifth hour of the show so that when we got to the sixth hour of the podcast we were just ready to throw out all our inside jokes," stated Munoz. "You should give it a try. I recommend our 8 hour show from three weeks ago. It was very good after about the 5th hour, but there were some great periods in the 2nd hour."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Munoz continues to archive his posts so that everyone can get the inside jokes from hour 5 of show 43 of year 3.

Black Friday Supporters' Group Forms To Cheer For Rampant Capitalist Consumption

NEW YORK - In an ode to soccer fans the world over, a new supporters' group formed on Black Friday to cheer for rampant capitalist consumption and the ways in which they would win the gift giving season.

Sporting scarves, two-sticks/two-poles and T.I.F.O, the Rockefeller Ultras showed up to their local Wal-Mart to support themselves as they attempted to make a complete ass of themselves on Friday morning for discounted deals on moderately shit televisions, computers without enough memory, and children's toys that will be discarded for the box in which it came.

"This whole thing started out of our love of scarves, designing scarves and singing things about ourselves," stated Rockefeller Ultras capo Davis Dillon. "We are here to support the boys, and by the boys I mean myself who wants some cool stuff I don't really need that I can’t afford and that will be instantaneously disposable in an effort to forget the overwhelming depression that this society rams home into your cell phone and computer."

Singing songs such as

"Weeeeeeeeee out spend you.. weeeeee out spend you...
you're shit at buy-ing gifts. "

and

"We've got bigger income-to-debt ratios than you......."

The Ultras began to ready their newly activated credit cards with the optional cash advance for the big day.

Last season, The Rockefeller Ultras displayed a T.I.F.O with the statement, "Here To Win - Here to Spend - Here to Dominate," with a picture of Rich Uncle Pennybags in Laurels from the Monopoly game.

"This is capitalism, not socialism. We are here to spend money we don't have on things we don't need to make people we hate (ourselves) unhappy about our choices at a later time. We plan on dominating the credit card signup game and pushing all the responsibility off to a later time so that we don't even have to think about it," stated Ultras member Sandy Tamver.

"This season is about giving so I plan on giving more than every other person out there. I'm going to give so much that everyone will recognize me for my giving. I'm going to Instagram, Twitter and Facebook my giving so that everyone knows how great a person I am. I'm going to give, give, give on every social media feed until people know that I'm the best giver, and the best at this gift getting thing. I’m going to give so much to myself that it’s going to take weeks of showing all the gifts I got myself on my Instagram page.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Rockefeller Ultras open charter membership in Los Angeles, Chicago, Portland, Seattle, Dallas, and every city in every state in the US.

F.C.C. Plans Net Neutrality Repeal In Confusing Move For Soccer Team

Cincinnati, OH - In a confusing move for a soccer team, Football Club Cincinnati (F.C.C.) took aim at a signature Obama-era regulation Tuesday, unveiling a plan that would give Internet providers broad powers to determine what websites and online services their customers see and use.

F-C-C!

F-C-C!

F-C-.... wait... what are they doing now?

Under the soccer teams proposal, companies like Comcast and Verizon would have the ability to restrict traffic to specific websites, block websites they do not like and charge higher fees for specific services like streaming.

Football Club Cincinnati's effort would roll back net neutrality regulation which was passed by F.C.C. in 2015 in an effort to secure a spot in Major League Soccer.

"We were told that the only way to prepare for a spot in Major League Soccer was to start acting as evil as possible as soon as possible," stated owner Carl Lindner III. "In this effort are spearheading an effort at terminating net neutrality laws, stopping all online streaming of games other than our own sources and ensuring that anyone wanting to view an F.C.C. game will pay an additional fee per game of $25 per hour." 

Lindner stated that this was in line with a memo sent out by Don Garber to, "Squeeze those fans for every dollar they are worth."

The Nutmeg News will have more as fans rebel against the F.C.C. for their overreaching attempt at ruining any semblance of a free and open internet.  

"And That's My Long Form Piece On The Enganche Position In Lower Division Argentina Football," Says Writer Applying For Subway Sandwich Artist Position

BOSTON - Unemployed soccer writer Isaac Seward was reportedly having difficulty shopping around his talents to local businesses in the Boston area by utilizing his long form piece on the Enganche position in South America.

"Would like cheese? Would you like a story about the tarnished legacy of Brazilian superstar Garrincha?"

"I've applied with Dunken Donuts, Downtown Convenience, and Subway without success," stated the long time SB Nation writer and sometime contributor to Four Four Two magazine. "I don't understand how they can't see that my talents lend themselves to their company."

Subway manager Dana O'leary stated that she thought Mr Seward probably could do the job, but that she was concerned that his ability to go on and on and on about trivial and esoteric items in world soccer would lend itself to him not properly cleaning out the bread machine at the end of the evening shift.

"It's great that he has been writing for 4 years for what appears to be some blog company, but if he wants to write he shouldn't be applying at subway. Maybe he should be applying to Sports Illustrated or something. He is presenting himself as being overqualified for this job, but his only qualification is, apparently, remembering obscure facts from a sport that isn't very popular here."

For his part, Mr. Seward appeared to not be bothered by his rejection from Subway as he stated, "I'm going to apply to ESPN for a long form journalism piece. I'm guessing after they finish firing everyone, they are going to need to hire someone. It makes complete sense. And then my resume of writing for free will come into play."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as, in the mean time, Mr. Seward applies to Roxy's Gourmet Grilled Cheese food cart.

Columbus Crew Announce Attendance For Tomorrows Game As 9,563

Columbus, OH - The Columbus Crew, today, announced the attendance for tomorrow's game against Toronto FC as 9,563 despite the game having not been played, yet.

See! Crew fans just don't show up for games!

Commissioner Don Garber stated that he was disappointed with the attendance for such a vital game, but that it just showed why it was so vital for the Crew to move to Austin.

"A community that won't show up for their team doesn't deserve a team," stated Garber as he cackled maniacally. "We must deploy the Crew to Austin in order to diversify our brand portfolio and allow us to fudge attendance numbers in three Texas cities. Look, if people see a sold out stadium and passionate fans they might start asking why a team should move. We can't have that."

Crew owner Anthony Precourt stated, "This just shows how awful the fans in Columbus are really. I hope that everyone knows the truth now. They can't even show up for a future game that hasn't been played. That's exactly why I screwed them over with the worst television deal in the league a couple years ago and intentionally understaffed the security clearance teams for the last playoff game."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans claim foul on the improvised attendance numbers.

NWSL Thanks Thousands Of Suckers Who Thought They Were Getting A Team In Kansas City

The National Women's Soccer League (NWSL) sent out a press-release on Monday thanking the thousands of suckers who thought they were getting a team in Kansas City.

L.O.L.

You thought you were going to get to keep this team? Nah.

"We would like to thank all the people in Kansas City who came out and supported the team with more effort and vigor than we put into finding a way to keep the team in Kansas City," stated Amanda Duffy, the managing director of operations. "We would like to thank all the fans who bought gear, cheered, supported and were evangelicals for a league that abandoned them for another city. And I like to thank all the players that played for free for FC Kansas City because we, as a league, love our amateur unpaid players."

League officials stated that fans in Kansas City could be proud of their two NWSL championships and the possibility of being an odd trivia question roughly 15 or 20 years down the road.

"We are building this league off the sweat equity of our fans, so it behooves us to ensure that we disenfranchise them just as much as any other league in the United States. It's not that we hate FC Kansas City fans, we just can't believe they dumped money into our league for so long. Everyone in the league owes them a huge debt for propping up other portions of the league and we won't remember any of that when it comes time for us to start praising the Salt Lake franchise."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Salt Lake fans are assured this isn't going to happen to them.

22nd Season Of MLS Close To Cancellation After Extending Plot Points Too Long

Known for taxing the patience of fans, Major League Soccer (MLS) is reportedly close to cancellation after fans rebelled against the drama extending plot points too long.

"Look, I like a long season with varying storylines, but at some point I need some closure," stated soccer fan Damien Plaf. "This is starting to drag on like Nashville and that didn't make it past season 6 on CMT."

The 22nd season of MLS had 34 episodes for each team, up from 32 in 1996, with a varying number of plot points, most of which wrapped up over a month ago leaving fans wondering why the show was still running.

"We've had a baby, closed on a mortgage and almost completed our move since the last time Major League Soccer was on TV," stated television fan Carl Edwards. "I'm going to need a recap just to remind myself what is going on. Are the twins on the show still? Was that Project Runway? I'm pretty certain even THAT wrapped up, by now."

According to TV Series Finale, as of today, there is still no word on the future of Major League Soccer. While some fans will be disappointed if there isn't a renewal, most fans actually forgot the league was still running.

"If I wanted long, drawn out plot points with a decent amount of grunting and thrusting, I'd just turn on an episode of Outlander," stated Stacy Conroy. "Can we just get to the games please and close this season out?"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the 2017 season continues into the year 2123.