"Please Apply For The Team You Already Have," States Major League Soccer To Columbus

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer, today, told the city of Columbus that they would need to apply, financially, for the soccer team they already have as the league attempts to figure out more way to extort money from a city that isn't budging.

MORE BIDS! MOOOORE BIDS!

MORE BIDS! MOOOORE BIDS!

"We want more expansion fees and we got screwed on this whole Austin thing," stated Mark Abbbot, president of Major League Soccer. "So we are going to need Columbus to reapply for the team they already have when we rip it away from them in a year."

Sources within the league state that there is absolutely zero chance that Columbus would actually get a second soccer team, but that the league sees this as a way to try to get some good publicity back on their side and make some money while doing it.

"There's no way Don is going to let Columbus back in the league when he has the option of picking between them and Miami," stated one anonymous MLS staffer. "But the optics on this are really great."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it is revealed that the bid process is a sealed envelope with cash delivered directly to the suit pocket of the members of the MLS Governing Board.