Columbus Crew Announce Attendance For Tomorrows Game As 9,563

Columbus, OH - The Columbus Crew, today, announced the attendance for tomorrow's game against Toronto FC as 9,563 despite the game having not been played, yet.

See! Crew fans just don't show up for games!

See! Crew fans just don't show up for games!

Commissioner Don Garber stated that he was disappointed with the attendance for such a vital game, but that it just showed why it was so vital for the Crew to move to Austin.

"A community that won't show up for their team doesn't deserve a team," stated Garber as he cackled maniacally. "We must deploy the Crew to Austin in order to diversify our brand portfolio and allow us to fudge attendance numbers in three Texas cities. Look, if people see a sold out stadium and passionate fans they might start asking why a team should move. We can't have that."

Crew owner Anthony Precourt stated, "This just shows how awful the fans in Columbus are really. I hope that everyone knows the truth now. They can't even show up for a future game that hasn't been played. That's exactly why I screwed them over with the worst television deal in the league a couple years ago and intentionally understaffed the security clearance teams for the last playoff game."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans claim foul on the improvised attendance numbers.