"Scarves Will Be Currency During The Coming Global Thermonuclear War"

The Nutmeg News accepts letters to the editor, and will publish them when deemed appropriate. You may send correspondence, rebuttals or opinions to mail@thenutmegnews.com

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Today's letter comes from Darrell McClintock of Harrisburg, PA.

"Friends and Fellow Nutters,

I write to you today from my nuclear fallout shelter that was just completed in the ground below my 18th Century house in Harrisburg to talk to you about the end times and how we will cope, financially.

That's right, I'm encouraging you to buy scarves! 


Yes! At the end time, scarves will be THE preeminent currency during the coming global thermonuclear war.

Look at these smart financial investers.  PHOTO CREDIT: Vogue

Look at these smart financial investers.


In 2017 alone, famous clubs like Arsenal and Real Madrid have produced limited numbers of scarves that bet on hedge fund investing from football fans who are offering the financial infrastructure to support scarves and other tactile currency.

Gold is DEAD! Silver is DEAD! Scarves are the new currency! People thought it would be sneakers, but it will not be sneakers. The new currency for the decimated New Holy Christian Empire of the United States will be football scarves.

Yes, friends, as we sup upon the innards of the rotting, radiation sick animals in the fields of Danbury whilst looking over our shoulders for the ghouls incarnate who want to tear us limb from limb, we can wear our Atalanta scarf knowing that we can pay for some treated water that won't make us radiation sick.

Imagine understanding that you don't need to filter your pee and drink it, anymore, because you have a 1980's Millwall scarf that will provide for your family! No more pee drinking for THIS smart investor.

Oh for the coming times to arrive! Oh the Joy! Oh the passion! Oh the possibility of finding a can of beans!

Friends, I recommend that you diversify your portfolio into harder to obtain Eastern European scarves as the glut in the market in the Pacific Northwest will render MLS scarves into the Uzbekistani Som. You must trade in rare scarf fortunes before the market is flooded with pale imitations!

Yes, buy scarves and invest as the bubble continues to grow on bitcoin. When the EMP hits and the world shudders as 90% of human civilization and technology is destroyed, no one will have bitcoin, but you will still have your scarf collection and with that you will have class mobility. 

Onward and Upward, Friends! Invest in scarves! Save the commonwealth!"