"All New Expansion Teams Must Utilize A Viking Clap," States Major League Soccer

NEW YORK - Releasing a new document detailing requirements for expansion, Major League Soccer (MLS) stated that, "All new expansion teams must utilize a viking clap."

That sweet sweet Viking Clap

"It is a requirement in a league for new teams and new supporters groups," stated president of Major League Soccer Mark Abbot. "A viking clap is imperative not only for atmosphere but for consideration of expansion. LAFC have already agreed to implement a viking clap, Atlanta United have a viking clap. Seattle Sounders have a viking clap. You cannot be a successful team without a viking clap."

Sources within the league state that the modified FCC Viking clap for FC Cincinnati has increased the bid possibility of Cincinnati from possible to probable as the team showed the initiative to get on trend with Major League Soccer.

"Cincinatti went from a nice story to a shoe-in with the viking clap," stated our insider with Major League Soccer. "The league loves a good viking clap so it was only a matter of time."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the trend shifts back to vuvuzelas and Seven Nation Army.

OP/ED: Anyone Know Who Won The MLS?

Editor's note: Views and opinions expressed by the author do not necessarily reflect those of The Nutmeg News. Today's letter is from Jerry Earles of Memphis, TN.

Anyone know who won the MLS?

Does anyone know? I asked my grandson Kaiden when he came over to fix the Facebooks, but he didn't know. There aren't any games on ESPN and it seems like the end of the season. Someone had to win.

I remember back when the Diplomats were playing, we knew who won and we knew who lost. These days I can't figure out if anyone has won anything. You'd think that I could just ask my phone for the news, but she doesn't know anything either.

So if the league still isn't playing, there aren't any games on TV, someone had to win.

Ok, well.... nevermind. Look, Linda is here now and she wants to make some stew. It's delicious. You should come over some time and try it. Barbara and the kids were over last week for some stew and we sang some delightful old songs while she played at the piano. It was a reminder of old times with the kids all gathered around and Bill playing the squeezebox.... er... I'm rambling on, but still did anyone win the MLS?

Thanks,

Jerry Earles

Not Enough Room In Twitter Profile For Man To Express His Commitment To Saving NASL/MLS/NPSL Teams

Oklahoma City, OK - Soccer supporter Jeffrey Anderson admitted that the 170 characters available in his Twitter profile were not enough to allow him to type in all the teams that he thinks needs to be saved in order to accurately reflect his opinions on US and Canadian soccer.

"I don't want to leave anyone out, as I spend about 20 minutes every morning tweeting about all the teams in North America that need to be saved," stated Anderson to The Nutmeg News. "I have to cover all my bases, because it isn't just the Crew, but all the teams in the NASL, some teams in the USL, some teams in the NPSL, the Canadian Premier League, and the MASL."

Anderson reportedly spent the weekend giving his assurances to fans of multiple teams throughout the two countries that he was, "In support of them," thus ensuring that all of his followers would now sit through bold declarations of support for those teams and against their leagues/federations until Anderson just gets tired of keeping up with everything.

"This is what I'm passionate about, and it's the offseason since Energy got knocked out of the playoffs. I feel for those fans, just like I know they feel for me and my team if we were in trouble."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Anderson's followers list continues to hemorrhage people.

INJURY REPORT: Supporter Out 1 Year Due To Child

Minneapolis, MN - Minnesota United supporter Lisa Hendricks ruptured her season tickets in the fourth quarter of 2017 not only ending her 2018 season but leaving the Dark Clouds without one of their most visible and vocal leaders in support. 

"You're not going to replace Lisa with another Lisa. That's not what happens," stated Dark Clouds manager Erik Smith. "The guys know that Lisa would be disappointed if they left off supporting the Loons. I think we'll be OK there."

Lisa was ruled out for the season while covering her husband David with a blanket on an afternoon romp. She hobbled at the end of the play into the hospital and promptly sat on the bed where the doctors and nurses began examining her. Hendricks did not appear to be in obvious discomfort but reported some light flatulence.

The Dark Clouds have dealt with a rash of season ending Pregnancy in recent years, including two sustained by Stephanie Portney. The star supporter's latest occurred late last season, but she managed to return to the field by Summer games and was a full participant in the run at the end of the season.

Hendricks also has a history of overcoming serious hurdles in her career

She missed most of the 2011 season after having to move to Madison for training, only to start 10 games the following season. She also missed the final 4 games of the 2013 regular season while undergoing treatment for vitamin D deficiency at the holistic spa in Cabo San Luca, only to return for pre-season games and again attend all games the following season.

Hendricks was coming off arguably her best year in 2016 when she made $43,000, changed her haircut, re-organized her closet space, and finally returned that library book she had in her possession from 2015. She almost single-handedly won a trivia night at Keegan's Pub, and was a big reason why her kickball team went 12-4 and won their first regular season title since 2012.

"She had an opportunity to talk to the supporters group yesterday after the positive test," Smith said, "and I know she would be very disappointed if anyone hung their head or let her birth plan be an issue. And I thought that everyone handled it very well. Our guys were able to kind of muster it up and keep the emotional soccer part in focus without resorting to mucus plug jokes."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hendricks pushes hard to recover in enough time for first kick in 2018.

Supporter Now Has An Additional 140 Characters To Utilize In Embarrassing Fanbase

Boston, MA - Fans of the Revolution were reportedly aghast that the Twitter account of Soccer supporter Jermaine Pearson (@NEsoccertruths) was upgraded to the new Twitter standard of 280 characters giving him an additional 140 characters to utilize in embarrassing the entirety of the Revolution fanbase as well as fans of the United States Men's and Women's national team.

More Characters? Hell yes.

"I am now unshackled to tell the truth about how terrible the Mexican national team is on a global level, re-tweet long form racist jokes about my neighbors, tweet xenophobic viewpoints about dual national players, explode the global SUM conspiracy dedicated towards the downfall of the United States Men's Team, and all other salacious rumors about US Soccer. I'm going to start by crafting an essay towards individual US players to tell them how being more patriotic would help their play 1/64," stated @NEsoccertruths as he launched his 280 character domination in full swing.

"I also plan on tweeting at supporters that I dislike starting with the following list of people who had statements contrary to mine in the stands roughly 4 years ago who are very clearly assholes."

Pearson then started on a 280 character enhanced rant that reportedly ended with him tweeting directly at national soccer reporters with insane personal convictions until he was blocked by nearly every reporter for rampant abuse.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Pearson expands his 280 character rants with screen shots of his verbal diarrhea from Windows Notepad.

"EVENTUALLY There's Going To Be A Good Western Conference Playoff Game," States Soccer Fan At Slot Machine

Reno, NV - Soccer fan and degenerate gambler Terry "Fuzer" Huser stated, "EVENTUALLY there's going to be a good western conference playoff game," as he continued to hit spin on his Kitty Glitter slot machine.

YOU ALWAYS DOUBLE DOWN.

Huser was adamant in his belief that eventually, if he kept watching, there would be a Western Conference Playoff game that wasn't hot garbage as he continued to be one of the 24 people nationwide to watch the Houston/Portland and Seattle/Vancouver series to the final kick.

"They can't all be terrible games. Eventually somethings gotta give," stated Huser as he took a long drag from his vape and looked wistfully at a pack of American Spirits to his left. "The east? Great games. Even the worst game from the east is better than every game from the western conference combined. But I know that watching them is going to pay off. Eventually it is going to come up my number. I'm going to win, because I'm a winner. It's going to happen, right? Right."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Huser spends his final $200 on Kitty Glitter and moves over to the Blazing 7s machine because that one has all the luck.

Moyes Appointment To West Ham Excites American Who Can't Locate West Ham On Map

Topeka, KS - "It has to be west of East Ham," stated new Hammers fan and David Moyes advocate Jim Watson who attempted to place the location of the London club somewhere in the north of England for some reason. 

"I'm very excited for Moyes. I think he will get the best out of Chicharito," stated Watson to The Nutmeg News. "He was a Manchester manager. I think he is going to be great. It's going to take us to the top of the league again. Now, I just need you to tell me. Is there a North Ham on this map?"

Watson spent 30 minutes agonizing over the various locations in the Devon area before settling on the fact that West Ham is definitely not Devon, or vice versa. However, he remained upbeat about the chances of the Hammers with Moyes at the helm as he boldly predicted, "I think we will be making it into the playoffs with Moyes."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Watson gingerly circles a push pin around Berwick-upon-Tweed.

Cardboard Cutout Of Precourt Only Has Three Pieces Of Clothing Left

Columbus, OH - The cardboard cutout of Crew owner Anthony Precourt only has three pieces of clothing left upon it as the Crew continue to use the disgraced owner as fodder for their playoff run.

It's only a matter of time.

"We needed something to galvanize this team and the fact that Precourt is trying to move all of the players and the staff and abandon Columbus was a pretty strong motivator," stated team insider Bragg Gerhelter. "We decided to rip off Major League because it's essentially the same thing, at this point. Every time we win a game and get closer to MLS cup, we remove a piece of clothing."

Gerhelter stated that he isn't certain why this is a motivator for the players but that the prospect of winning MLS Cup as a final thank you to Columbus is something that continues to be relevant.

"We don't have to have a reason why this makes sense, we just need to keep winning. Because the only thing that is keeping soccer in Columbus is the Crew winning and the fans supporting."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Tom Berenger asks if the Crew could use a midfielder.

Kyle Martino's Hair Yet To Announce If It Will Also Run For USSF President

NEW YORK - After Kyle Martino announced his bid for US Soccer Federation (USSF) President, his glorious hair stated that it was yet to make a decision on a run for the vaunted position.

"How do you feel about the recent USSF/NASL news?"

"I've got a lot of things on my plate," stated Martino's Hair. "What with trips to get softly caressed to maintain my bounce, appointments to ensure that my locks are bathed in only the finest cleansers, styling mousse and wax consultancy with Loreal, and opportunities to speak on the Syrian refugee crisis... It's a busy time."

Often the highlight of the commentary and pundit team on NBC Sports, Martino's hair carries considerable weight while still looking fresh, upright, bouncy and verdant.

"Of course I want to see the best for the soccer nation, but I have legacy of great hair to follow," stated Martino's Hair. "We must work together to ensure that people don't forget how great hair can make great men, and we must work to end the food crisis in Venezuela. If Kyle want's to go off to the USSF fight, I understand that.... but with great hair, comes great power."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Martino's Hair announces a new autobiography titled "My Roots."

Supporter Claims He Absolutely Can Quit The Cosmos Any Time He Wants

NEW YORK - Claiming, "I can absolutely quit the Cosmos any time I want," supporter Derrin Gutiérrez continued to lie to himself as he finished his 7th year of finding a way to always support the NASL side.

We just like this picture.

"I'm absolutely capable of immediately stopping any time I want," lied Gutiérrez to concerned friends who attempted to convince him to just support Club America. "It would be easy. I could just walk out and throw out all my merchandise, stop watching the team and never go see another game again," lied Gutiérrez who had no intention of doing of what he just stated.

"How could you let this happen," stated friend Dominic Wilson who attempted to convince Gutiérrez that it wasn't worth his time to support the NASL side. "If you go back to them again in 2018, I'm done. I just can't support you continuing with this team."

Despite the ultimatum, Gutiérrez continues to enjoy the Cosmos experience despite not knowing what is going to happen in 2018 as he claimed, "I have to spend time with the Cosmos in order to be social. I'm not addicted. It's my release. It's my church. It's where my family and friends are every weekend."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Gutierrez stashes a little Cosmos merchandise behind his nightstand, just so he can have a taste... just in case.... y'know... if he needs a reminder of Raul before he goes to sleep.

Soccer Reporter Temporarily Forgets He Is About To Lose His Job While Filing Post Game Report

Seattle, WA - Soccer reporter Bryce Harper admitted that he temporarily forgot about the fact that he is about to lose his job while in the act of filing his game report after the Vancouver Whitecaps - Seattle Sounders playoff game finished.

"I actually forgot that I'm participating in a dead industry that is quickly turning into ashes while my career options dwindle," stated Harper to The Nutmeg News on Friday. "I managed to get caught up with finishing my story about the Sounders progressing in the playoffs and totally forgot the fact that in the next three months, or so, I'm going to actually have to figure out if I need to move out of my apartment because I can't find any writing jobs and my application with the Shell gas station on Broadway was rejected for having too much experience."

Harper stated that when he was racking up student debt going through journalism school he didn't anticipate a time when the career choice that he passionately pursued was going to whither and die in front of his eyes.

"Most of my friends have already been let go from their positions, moved to other departments or left the city in an attempt to find more opportunities elsewhere," stated Harper. "I just don't even know, anymore, if sports writing exists except for a few people on the league payrolls. I don't even know why I like soccer anymore. I find myself hating the games I have to attend, the leagues that won't give you any quotes, the grind of publishing and the long hours with the possibility of being fired randomly on a Thursday."

The Nutmeg News will have more as Harper tries to figure out if he can transition into grant writing or if he should just go to nursing school.

Son Of Crew Cat Holds Resurrection Seance For Father Killed By Precourt Sports

Columbus, OH - Before the NYCFC - Columbus Crew playoff game, the Son Of Crew Cat held a resurrection seance in the MAPFRE Stadium parking lot in an attempt to summon the zombie body of his father, Crew Cat, to exact revenge for his death over 2 years ago.

"And I will strike down upon thee with GREAT VENGEANCE and FURIOUS ANGER those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Son Of Crew Cat when I lay my vengeance upon thee!"

Original Photo - Adam Cairns - Columbus Dispatch

"BLOOD MUST FLOW BEFORE MY ANGER WILL BE QUENCHED," stated Son Of Crew Cat. "My fathers will be done and his legacy will be restored. Vengeance will be mine!"

Son Of Crew Cat only knows that his father disappeared in 2015 due to the orders of Precourt Sports Venture, a venture capitalist firm specializing in pimping.

"Precourt is the one responsible. He must take the blame. He will give me the answers," stated a belligerent Son Of Crew Cat to The Nutmeg News. "I will be the fist of revenge, boldly speaking out for my dead father. Long may Crew Cat Live!"

The Nutmeg News will have more when Son Of Crew Cat has fun storming the castle.

Disappointed Columbus Crew Ownership Bemoans Playoff Win

Columbus, OH - The owner of the Columbus Crew, Anthony Precourt, stated that he was disappointed in the 4-1 victory over NYCFC and disappointed in the referees who clearly were biased against NYCFC.

"This game was rigged against NYCFC and I intend on voicing my protest against the Columbus Crew win," stated the owner of the Crew. "NYCFC were the better team and that red card was just a love tap. I don't even see how you can toss someone out for an elbow. What is an elbow? It's like complaining about an arm, or a leg."

Precourt was reportedly not worried about angry fans chanting against his ownership as he stated, "Fuck those guys, their team and their town," and called down to the field to tell Gregg Berhalter to pull half the team away from their defensive responsibilities for a talk about wonderful condominiums available around Lake Travis.

"This game was a farce. Columbus deserved nothing. I'm having my team collect the tapes and show them back at the commissioners office to examine how Columbus was always offside on their goals, and that at least 5 players should have red cards on their team. Don will understand.... he always does."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as an irate Precourt demands that the Crew lose game 2 in New York.

Neutral Now Convinced Of The Benefit Of A Single Knockout Playoff System

Tampa, FL - Soccer fan and neutral observer Jaime Hendrickson stated that he was now convinced on the benefit of a single knockout playoff system after falling asleep watching the slugfest of the Vancouver Whitecaps and the Seattle Sounders.

"Is it over? Can I go back to watching Stranger Things 2, now?" asked Hendrickson to his cat Leeroy. "Ugh, I can't wait for the Premiership to come back next weekend. This sucks."

Reportedly, Hendrickson long advoctated for the home and away two-legged system of playoffs until the Seattle/Vancouver drudgery at which point he realized he didn't need another 90 minutes of watching this game. 

"Yeah, just no. I don't need another 90 minutes of this. As a matter of fact, if the other games are anything like this than I understand EXACTLY why television ratings for this league are poop."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the next Vancouver/Seattle game is terrible as well.

"Oh God.... Not Another 30 Minutes Of This," States Everyone Watching This Game

The entirety of soccer fans watching the Houston Dynamo play Sporting Kansas City sighed deeply and stated, "Oh god.... not another 30 minutes of this," as they wondered if they could just get to the penalty kicks this game deserves.

"I have things to do, why the hell am I watching this," stated 30% of soccer fans watching the game.

"Ok, screw this," stated another 10% of the soccer fans watching the game.

"DEAR GOD MAKE IT END," stated another 20% of soccer fans watching the game.

The Nutmeg News will have less on this because..........ugh............ look.... It won't rain all the time, see that's a quote from The Crow. Let's talk about that. You folks remember The Crow? There's been a discussion among the writers here about whether the movie holds up. Not that the production values are bad, but what does it say about us a society that we've just accepted this goth industrial phase happened and then stopped happening but for a select few.

Everyone loves Kung Fu, though. EVERYONE. WHO DOESN'T?

Anyway, another really bad tackle. Oh great. There's more of this shit? DEAR SWEET DEITY ABOVE JUST END THIS. 

Wait, Houston doesn't have any subs left until extra time? Bet this makes a difference...........and it doesn't.................. sigh.

Chicago Fire To Move To Austin, Texas

Insider sources within the league state that the ownership group of the Chicago Fire, Andell Holdings, alongside the commissioner of Major League Soccer, Don Garber, filed a motion to move the Chicago Fire to Austin, Texas in 2019.

"We didn't have the turnout we expected at the last playoff game," stated owner Andrew Hauptman. "So I've decided to exercise a clause that I had in my Fire ownership contract that states that I can move the Fire to Austin, Texas if we have a playoff game with less than 15,000 people."

Averaging only 2,000 more people a game in 2017 than Austin Crew United, the Austin Fire admitted that they were disappointed with their season and eager to move.

"This is all the fans fault," stated Hauptman. "We blame them. If the fans were better, this wouldn't be a big issue."

When asked for a comment on Hauptman's statement, Don Garber stated, "Andrew is correct. This is all the fans fault and if the Fire wants to move to Austin, we will let them. We could use 2 teams in Texas. It's a big state without any soccer, currently."

10's of local Austin soccer fans turned out on the internet in response to the news that the Fire were moving to Austin as they claimed the city could absolutely support two MLS clubs.

"Despite losing our club, twice," stated Austin soccer fan Yancey Thiggins. "We are absolutely ready for two Major League Soccer clubs."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Andell Holdings looks to see if this is even possible.

MLS Confirms That Houston/KC Game Will Be A Tables, Ladders And Chairs Match

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS), today, confirmed that the Houston Dynamo/Sporting Kansas City game will be a tables, ladders, and chairs match as the battle for supremacy in the Western Conference gets real.

It's Feilhaber..... HE'S AT THE TOP.... WHATS HE GOING TO DO........ Oh..... MAH.... GOD.....

"We felt like a game like this deserved a main event, and there's no main event bigger than our Tables, Ladders and Chairs matchup," stated President of Major League Soccer, Mark Abbot.

"Fans are coming out for the spectacle, so anything goes. We want to see that high flying action and we hope that SKC v Dynamo will bring in people who want to see high octane and punishing soccer."

Abbot stated that the league has been expanding it's reach into previously forbidden territory after the success of their, "Hell In A Cell," mid-season matchup of RBNY v NYCFC.

"It's in our best interest to be on the cutting edge of soccer, and Tables, Ladders, and Chairs allows us to innovate in a way that hasn't been seen before, except the last time we did  it."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ike Opara scores a scorpion kick goal while swan diving off the top of a ladder.

Chicago Fire Eliminated From 2017 World Cup

CHICAGO - Giving up 4 goals to the New York Red Bulls, the Chicago Fire were knocked out of the 2017 World Cup being unable to claim the trophy in the first year of the career of promising youth player Bastian Schweinsteiger.

40 is the new 15

"We are disappointed in the way the season ended," stated head coach Veljko Paunović. "However, we hope that we can come back next season and try to win the World Cup in Russia."

With the Fire eliminated from World Cup 2017, local fans are exploring their heritage to see if there are other teams they can root for, in good conscience.

"My grandfathers first wife was from Vancouver, originally, so I guess I can go for them," stated Fire fan David Hastings. "I don't know, I might just take the rest of the tournament off and wait for England to lose on penalties next year."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this next season as the Fire, once again, attempt to claim world football's greatest prize.

"There's Still Time For Them To Screw This Up," States Red Bull Fan

NEW YORK - At a friends watch party five seconds ago, New York Red Bull fan Sylvia Hearst stated, "There's still time for them to screw this up," as the Red Bulls took a 3-0 lead over the Chicago Fire.

"I've been around. I've seen things. I'm not celebrating until the day AFTER the game," stated Hearst to her friends. "This is Metro we are talking about here. METRO. Please stop talking to me until after the game."

The Nutmeg News will have more from Hearst as she prepares for the loss as Red Bull cruise to a first round win.

Amateur Team's USOC Strategy Is To Win First Game And Forfeit Due To Travel Costs

Biloxi, MS - Amateur soccer team Mullet Lake United FC, stated that their preferred US Open Cup (USOC) strategy was to host and win their first game in the tournament, and forfeit the next game due to travel costs as they are unable to make a trip to North Carolina for their next game.

Don't break these cones! These are the only ones we have!

"Are you kidding me?" stated director, head coach, massage therapist, public relations manager, owner, goalkeeper and second foward Elliot Nelson. "We were missing a midfielder for the first game we played because he couldn't get the night shift off at Beau Rivage. There's no WAY we can afford to play in North Carolina."

Mullet Lake United reportedly thought about submitting a gofundme but their request was refused by the website due to an overwhelming number of US Open Cup teams already requesting funds for their early qualifiers.

"We were just too late to the party, but at least we had a historic victory," stated Nelson. "We are happy with our result and we gladly forfeit our right to the next team in hopes that we will have two home games next tournament."

The Nutmeg News will have more as this happens over and over, every year.